midwestdiscontent24

[midwestdiscontent24]

say crack again

i cracked last night. literally seconds after writing my last post i went though and found jordans snap and added him again. did i message him at all? no. but you know what i did do? went though and unsaved every single selfie he had sent me that i felt the need to save. i had completely forgotten about most of them to be honest. and looking at them i didnt even feel a spark of adoration. which good. i shouldnt.

shortly after i added him back i went to bed and when i woke up this morning i had a notification from 2:30 in the morning that said "jordan burke is typing" bitch thats my stunt! my move is to start typing so they get the notification and think of me. what a little bitch.

he does have his location on and i guess he got a new job. either that or hes just hanging out in a new factory. he is still living with his dad, so theres some justice in the universe still.

i dont plan on saying anything to him. i truly dont. its more a way to test my will power i guess. i dont know. maybe i will. its none of your fucking business what i do on the phone i pay for. fuck off.

truthfully right now im just killing time before i have to get ready for work. i really dont want to go today. the only thing im looking forward to is doing the crossword puzzle in the news paper and working with tatum. i always have fun working with her.

we're supposed to have a coworker game night on friday and i can already feel it going downhill. abby and tatum have both said that if josellen brings up jaxon theyre going to make an excuse and leave. which i dont really blame them. she either needs to break up with him or stop talking about how shitty he makes her feel. cause truth be told i am sick and tired of hearing about him. we hung out on saturday and every five seconds (while she was driving) she had to grab her phone to see what jaxon sent her. and to make it even more annoying she had her fucking ringer on. so every five seconds it was "ding ding ding ding ding" i wanted to throw her phone out the window. then she'd start sighing or making whatever noise, like she was just begging me to ask what he said. I DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR UGLY BUMMY BOYFRIEND!!!

she can do so much better than him. like, heres a pro tip for everyone out there, dont move in to a new place with your boyfriend of 6 months when youre 18. it never ever ends well. like ever. hes so annoying and ugly and stupid and i hate him. like genuinely hate him so much.

[midwestdiscontent24]

so this is it

i havent talked to jordan since the end of december. thats a lie, ive sent him two messages on facebook that he never responded to but i feel like those dont really count. one was just me sending him a reel trying to get his attention and the other was me saying nice mug shot because he went to jail again for failure to appear. god i really know how to pick them dont i?

the thing is is that even if he did come back and apologize, i truly could never see him the same after what he did. Hes known how i felt about him for years and he finally gave me the satisfaction of having it all pay off and seeing the supposed love in his eyes when he asked me out. to my credit though, i did tell him to ask me again when he was sober, and he said he would always feel the same about me. apparently though the feeling he was talking about was hatred.

how do you ask someone out one night, sleep in their bed all fucking day, accept their bus money, leave their apartment with all the lights on, then never ever talk to them again. i just dont fucking get it. and it eats me up inside that im just never going to have an answer.

the truth of the matter is is that he is a fucking loser. he isnt deserving of my time or effort and the longer i go without talking to him the more concrete that idea is in my head. i hate that i spent literal years of my life with him always in the back of my head. and no matter how long i go without him playing an active role in my life i know that there will still be times that he will pop into my head even if i dont want him to. i honestly wish i had never met him in the first place. its sort of ironic, because he was the one to dm me first.

hes gotten his karma though, and i didnt even have to lift a finger because he fucking did it to himself. he lost his job because he had to ditch work to show up to court. his roommate left and moved to a different state when he wasnt even home (and his roommate is a 29 year old virgin with a pony tail and mutton chops) he lost his car and apartment because he lost his job. so now hes an unemployed drug addict alcoholic who lives with his dad. and if you ask me, starting over at square one at almost 30 is such a good punishment.

i guess i just hate men in general. for a while there i thought i could potentially have something with this guy dalton but all he wanted to do was fuck. i know that because ever since we did fuck he has not talked to me....so yeah, pretty clear cut message. and its so disappointing because his brother is such a little sweetie pie. and dont get me wrong, it wasnt a bad hookup, but it was....average. idk, he didnt even eat me out.

i honestly think im at a point in my life where i dont need or want a boyfriend. like i'll be laying in bed at night scrolling on tiktok and just think "god a man being here would completely ruin the vibe". its not like im asexual or aromantic, i just dont want a man disrupting my life with unnecessary complications.

[midwestdiscontent24]

oh my god i remember that

lately ive been heavily giving into my need for childhood/teenage nostalgia. Its definitely a comfort thing. Just yesterday i got an amazon package containing a copy of one of my favorite childhood books "the mysterious benedict society". When i was in 4th grade, my friend madison got me a copy of that book for my birthday, along with a taylor swift cd. I loved both of them, but my love for reading has stuck around longer than my love for taylor swift.

about a month ago i ordered a handful of sarah dessen books off amazon. I was obsessed with her books when i was in high school and i now own all the ones i used to read back then. I might try to crack into one of them today since i have the day off.

I feel like a common problem i have is that when i have the day off work i never know what to do with my time. usually the only thing i do is lay in bed and play on my phone and maybe do my dishes. Its a very boring life. I have been on a cross stitch kick the past couple weeks, but im taking a break from it right now. I know if i force myself to keep going im going to lose steam quickly and wont pick it back up for months.

So my goal for today is to do my dishes and read a book. Great. Shouldnt be hard at all.

[midwestdiscontent24]

please dont come back

Last night i did something really stupid. Theres one of my customers that i really like and he posted something on his story about wanting anonymous confessions and posted a link to one of those sites that lets you get submissions anonymously. Well, i was feeling bored at work and decided to send one in that said "i think ur cute ngl, but im too shy to ask you out" which is the truth but i still shouldnt have said it. Well he posted that on his story with the caption "slide up" and i fucking did, like the moronic idiot i am. And big surprise, he doesnt like me like that. he said i was "a homie" which like fuck off, im not your friend. I sell you crown menthols and 5 hour energy shots. I just thought you were cute.

And i mean i dont even really want to date him. Hes got alot of emotional baggage right now. He hasnt even been seperated from his ex wife for a year yet. i guess i would have fucked him, maybe. I feel like he at least has an average sized dick, if not a little bigger. But now when he comes in its gonna be weird. Cause if i hide in the back when i see him pull up im gonna look like a lil bitch and if i stay behind the counter and help him im gonna look like a freak. But the funny thing is i know he tried to match with one of my coworkers on facebook dating, so...

Im honestly over working weekends. Its 8 hours of mind numbing boredom. Half my shift the registers havent been used in so long that they go to sleep and have black screens for an hour. But my boss will yell at me if im on my phone?? Even though the girl im working with is on her phone 7 out of the 8 hours we work together?? Yesterday she was literally watching a movie on her phone. but im the one whose a problem?? Ok. Sure. Whatever. Maybe if i had something to do i wouldnt be so fucking bored.

[midwestdiscontent24]

The great depression

I think im depressed. Yesterday i had the day off and what did i do with my time? I had my breakfast and coffee, wrote an entry on here, masturbated to fill time, then spent the rest of the day in bed, on my phone, playing crossy roads. The only reason i even walked out my front door yesterday was to walk a block and a half up the street to buy a painting from facebook marketplace. Its a section from the painting "birth of venus" and it looks really nice hanging over my desk.

I honestly do think i might need to get back on anti depressants. Or anti anxiety meds. Something to make me feel more normal. Maybe i should start smoking weed, that might chill me out. Theres a dispensary one town over and a weed bakery. I might try those. They can really put weed into anything these days. ive even thought about asking my mom if she wants to get stuff from the bakery and eat them together; i honestly dont think shes ever been high.

I cracked last night and snapped jordan. It was a moment of depressive weakness but i dont really regret it. We snapped back and forth for about 3 hours. Im glad he was at work, otherwise i would have cracked even more and asked him to come over. I shouldnt even be messaging him. He rips my heart out every single time i get my hopes up. I want to be with him so bad and he just wants to fuck. I want to be loved and cherished and seen.

Sometimes i miss my last ex, because it was just easy being with him. I never had doubts about him cheating on me or breaking up with me (at least not until the very very end) It was like a fairy tale. I even drove 3,000 miles to meet his entire extended family. Then he broke up with me a week later to "see what else was out there." I still think that reason is complete bullshit and just a cover up for something else. But dating him was 4 months of bliss. I was happy and i want to feel that kind of love again. I deserve to have that kind of love again.

Sometimes i feel like im meant to be alone. Theres a certain level of comfort i feel in lonliness, i wont deny that. But when im 90 years old and i look back on my life, i dont want to remember endless days where i sat inside and did nothing but go on my phone and watch tv. A house full of my friends is literally a mile down the road and i have yet to call any of them. Granted, its summer so its still miserable being outside, so maybe i'll wait until fall. Plus walking down the main road gives me anxiety. I really do miss them though. For the brief time i was homeless in 2022, i stayed in that house. Theyre nice people, and i love them all so much. I feel bad for not calling them sooner, but i cant fix the past. I dont even know if Kayla is still in town. She likes to travel.

The last time i lived on this side of town i got super depressed too. I talked about it a little bit when i talked about rosy views of the past. I would sit in the shower with the water running for hours, just curled up in a ball or standing away from the shower head, just letting the warm water wash over me.

One time at my last apartment, i was so depressed and unhappy i would watch the same movie twice in a row after work every night before going to bed.

I wish i could just stay curled up in bed all night and not have to go to work or get up to use the bathroom or get up to eat and drink water. I just want to stay in bed with the fan pointed on me while im wrapped up in my comforter.

[midwestdiscontent24]

Thats methed up man

Breaking news on my facebook feed today: my old middle school sceince teacher got arrested for possession of meth! Thats actually fucking crazy. And from what ive been hearing from other people, i guess he was a pedo creep to guys and girls. Apparently married a former student then got divorced when she realized she was preyed upon and propositioned a 14 year old boy in the bathroom at school.

The school district i was in was very small. My graduating class was around 70 kids and the middle and high school were in the same building. So something like this coming out is fucking nuts. Its not a stretch though, that something like this happened at that school. I could name five teachers right now that i feel like would have done some shady shit like that. My high school science teacher literally got left at the alter because he beat his girlfriend up all the time.

All of this shit coming to light makes me wonder what kind of stuff got swept under the rug and covered up or just straight up ignored. And the thing about it is that that school has a reputation for being some sort of innocent little school system thats some kind of heaven on earth and its like, yeah if youre a cis white person who lives on a farm.

Another thing im curious about is how he even got started with meth. Like youre a 70 year old retiree, how the fuck do you find meth? Things like that boggle my mind man.

[midwestdiscontent24]

Can i get $10 on 2?

I usually try and write in the morning but i didnt have time today. I just got off work and it was a half way decent day. I didnt have to see my boss which was a huge plus. He just annoys be, but i think very few people actually like their boss so im not too worried about it.

Last night i went through a bunch of my old journals from high school and it was equal parts depressing and cringy. I forgot how awful it was before i was put on anti depressants. Most of the time i look back on my life at that time and think i was just being dramatic but reading some of those entries made me realize i was deep in a depressive episode. And yeah, it eventually evened itself out, but god for awhile there i should have been on suicide risk.

Speaking of suicide, reading the entries right after my cousin killed herself were especially chilling. In multiple entries, i mentioned feeling alone even when i was surrounded by people. I was writing about how i wanted to quit the extracurriculars i was in, and i did end up quitting one of them because it was too much to even do that. But god, i really had forgotten how awful of a time it was.

I shouldnt really be that surprised though. I think ive mentioned befofre how i have a big issue with viewing the past through rose colored glasses. One of the worst transitions in my life, moving out of my parents into an apartment with a guy i was only acquaintances with, is my most rosy. I was living in a mouse infested apartment with a guy i didnt really know working a job i really really hated and ended up quitting, and overdrafting my card every weekend by going out and getting drunk. It was a really awful time in my life, but looking back on it now im like "god i wish i could do that again" and i'll just get so nostalgic for that feeling.

I guess part of it is that i was meeting new people all the time and really spreading my wings into adulthood. I met a guy who ended up being my roommate a few years later and whose still one of my closest friends now, but at the time we were hooking up and i was in love with him. Through him i met a crazy amount of crazy cool people and i was really living the high life. I would pick up my best friend every friday night and bring her home monday morning before i had to go to work. I was hooking up with randos from tinder all the time. I hated my roommate. It was great. Until i was given the boot and ended up living in my aunts basement for awhile, but thats an entirely different story.

Anyways, back to what i was talking about before. I forgot how depressed and angsty and cringy i was. I wish i had all my journals from back then. Im missing about 4 or 5 of them and theyve probably been thrown away at this point.

[midwestdiscontent24]

the horvath of it all part 2

so i know my last post was less than 12 hours ago, but i still want to write so im going it because whose going to tell me i cant?

I think i want to write a book of personal essays. It feels like that would be easier than writing fiction, because all the things have actually happened to me already. Granted, im probably way underestimating how hard and labor intensive writing a book is, but i have things to say that i want people to read. Thats why im writing on here instead of my physical journal or a google doc.

Last october i read all of samantha irbys essay books so of course i wanted to write my own and i actually started to try and do it but of course i gave up and moved on to something else, but i really do want to pick it up again. Granted, im not going to do cocaine just for an interesting writing piece, a la hannah horvath, but i might consider it if im hard up for material.

Or maybe i just want to write online. i mean, thats a thing now. I could start writing a blog and get super popular online. I wish magazines were still a thing. i guess i could make a zine, but thats alot of work and ive done that before and only ended up making one. But to be fair it did look really cool when it was done.

I feel like i have all this creative talent that i just never really do anything with. I can write and create art in a non traditional way; like i cant really draw all that well but i can make a good collage and im relatively good at cross stitch and im good at matching colors.

Part of me feels like im atrophied. not just creatively, but in life in general. Which really should be the opposite of how i feel. In april i moved into my first solo apartment and as much as i love living alone, yeah its kinda lonely. My old roommate moved to wisconsin to be with his girlfriend so now i have this wonderful big one bedroom and i adore it and being able to be the master of my space but i get lonely sometimes and end up rotting in bed for hours on end. I think it would help if i had more friends, but meeting and liking new people has never been my thing. At least not in my adult life.

not to switch up topics so quickly, but i think i want to start reading again. At least i like the notion and idea of reading. I have an almost full book shelf in my living room and more than half of the books on it are ones i havent read yet. And my problem is i just keep buying more. Its not like im having people over all the time that i want to impress with my massive literary collection so i dont know why i keep buying them other than its an aspirational thing, like if i have them it might motivate me to actually read them rather than letting them sit and collect dust while i rewatch the devil wears prada for the millionth time. my other problem is that i keep rereading the same books over and over instead of reading the brand new ones that i have. I do the same thing with tv shows and movies and music. Its like i can only live in the past.

That may just be like, a life problem that i have. Im a huge sucker for nostalgia and remembering old times in a rosy light. The other day i was nostalgic for 2021. Thats fucking pathetic, especially considering that i was living in my aunts basement and working at subway during that time. But i always sugar coat the past, thats why i can never move on. Half of the conversations i have with my mother start with me saying "do you remember when". The other day i booted up my old ipod and found a bootleg of a 5sos song thats not on streaming and i literally cried listening to it and remembering what it was like to listen to that same song when i was in high school.

[midwestdiscontent24]

the horvath of it all

So theres this show on hbo called girls. Im not sure if youve ever heard of it, but its a pretty solid 6 season run of television. On my first rewatch i hated it and hated the characters but i felt drawn to rewatch it and now its one of my favorite shows.

That being said, i still think Marnie is a terrible selfish person and not a very good friend. She paints herself as this independent, smart, confident woman, but the second she loses her job, she spirals out and it eventually leads to her downfall. She could have gotten a new job anywhere, even outside the art world, but instead she let it drag her down to being a hostess and eventually to her attempt to be a singer. In summation- if marnie michaels has no haters, im dead.

Jessa on the other hand is someone that i wish i could be. Well, parts of her, definitely not all of her. I guess really just jessa pre adam, because thats an entirely different discussion. But pre adam (and i guess pre rehab) she was this whimsical traveler who played by her own rules and i mean come on, she had beautiful hair. But like marnie, she could also be incredibly selfish. All four of the girls could be for that fact.

And i feel like even though i dont have any strong/solid opinions on her, i cant leave out shoshana. She really found her footing throughout the series and honestly i loved the episodes where she was with ray (who is my darling baby angel next to laird) I feel like im alone in saying the episodes where she was in japan were not my favorite. I thought they felt out of place and sort of like she was having an early life crisis.

And of course, theres miss hannah horvath. my 2010s queen. In season one, i saw so much of myself in her, specifically in her situationship with adam, and situationship wasnt even a word back then. Im sure you can surmise by my last post, but im going to say that i saw a great deal of me and jordan in hannah and adam. How could i not? In season one its a real will they/wont they but only to hannah. The audience watching can see that adam doesnt want to settle down, but hannah stays hopeful (and that eventually does change but not until season 2/3) I loved hannahs whimsical and charming nature and the fact that she was the age i am now and shes still trying to figure out what to do with her life.

I think if i had watched this show when i was 18/19 it would have been my favorite right off the bat and i would have felt very differently about it; being fresh out of high school and watching these people that i perceive to be very grown up and mature. It definitely would have altered by brain chemistry, as they say. Watching it now with my 24 year old eyes and brain i feel like i have an easier time seeing the negative aspects of the characters rather than just idolizing them.

Anyways, back to what i meant to say in the beginning. Hannah is what got me writing again. Well, blogging i guess but same thing. Her whole thing is that shes a writer, a so called "voice of her generation". Im not saying im that voice, but im sure i could be the voice of something. My problem is that when it gets hard, i just stop, instead of having a mental breakdown, shoving a q-tip into my ear drum, and then having my situationship burst into my apartment when i have a mental breakdown. I wish i could go that route, but alas, i dont have an adam, so the latter part would be out, and im running out of q-tips.

Ive been bitten by the writing bug more than a few times in my life. When i was a kid that was like my whole thing. Everyone told me i would grow up to be a writer, but looking back i never really spent much time writing, i just read alot. Maybe they thought that those two things went hand in hand but in my experience, they dont really happen at the same time. I really only read as a kid because thats all i had to entertain myself with. I wasnt allowed to spent much time on the computer, i didnt have my own phone until i was 18, and i wasnt allowed to watch much tv until i was a teenager. So as a kid i read anything and everything. Im sure in the beginning i really enjoyed it, but towards the end of my teenage years, reading was just a place holder for stuff i would rather have been doing.

I feel like getting a phone ruined my brain though. Because i have like zero attention span now. I spent like 10 hours a day on my phone and what am i even doing? switching between tiktok and twitter over and over again? Sometimes i close out of an app only to reopen it again immediately. Like thats pathetic. And i dont even know how to fix that without like, some kind of therapy. Which doesnt seem fun at all and sounds really expensive.

[midwestdiscontent24]

So im back

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you know you should like but you just cant bring yourself to fall in love with them, even though they love you in a way nobody else ever has? Thats the nightmare im currently living.

Im sure i sound like a real bitch for saying this, but i dont love my boyfriend. Not even a little bit. Its a combination of his looks and every single story hes told me about his life. And also the way his house is.

He lives in what could be a very nice house but unfortunately he shares it with 2 of his friends who live the exact same way he does, which i guess is the same way most men in their twenties live. All three of them stay in their rooms and play video games. All day. They only leave their rooms to go to work, get food, or use the bathroom; and honestly i wouldnt put it past any of them to keep an empty 2 liter next to their desk to piss in. One of them (not my boyfriend) keeps his pocket pussy in the communal bathroom. WHYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?! Thats literally one of the nastiest things ive ever heard. Theres a tub of sour cream in the bottom of the fridge from the previous owners. Theyve been in that house for almost 3 years, know its there, and yet they just toss it back in the fridge and say theyll deal with it later. I cant make this shit up.

My boyfriend though, is a fucking freak weirdo. To begin with, it took us dating for 6 months to even have any sort of intimate contact. And when we finally did, big shock, it was awful. I literally went dry while he was inside of me and had to pretend i was drunk to cover up the fact that im so repulsed by him that i cant stay wet. That has been the only time we've fucked. Its 2 months later.

It drives me fucking crazy. My last relationship lasted 4 months and i felt more in love then than i ever have now. And thats depressing as fuck. It just really is. I need someone i have passion with. One of my favorite things is just making out with someone. And i feel like my chances to do that with people is just fleeting as im getting older. And i mean im not really that old yet, but it feels like i am. I just have no passion, lust, love, anything with this guy.

Ive been wanting to break up with him for awhile and i was finally gonna do it after putting it off for a few months and his fucking grandma died today. Because of course thats how it would go. I swear to god sometimes it feels like im being cosmically punished by some higher being.

Aside from my boring awful relationship, ive got some rebound prospects on the horizon. Four of them, to be more specific. Well, i guess 3, could be 4 if one of them got their head out of their ass. And i shouldnt even say relationship, its definitely more situationship/hookup. All guys from my past, obviously. And of course theres one that i want more than any of them and that would be my friend jordan.

I cannot even begin to tell you how long ive liked him and wanted to date him. I want him in a way that makes me feel the longing of a thousand lifetimes and whenever he gets a girlfriend next im gonna kill her, him, and then myself. It goes beyond lust with him, because for the longest time i told myself thats all it was. But about a month ago, he was over at my apartment and he cried in front of me. Multiple times. If any other guy did that, i would immediately get the ick. But i didnt with him. I sat there and comforted him and held him and told him it would all be ok.

And whats been my thanks for that? Being left on read for like 4 weeks. Its like, ok fuck me, cool got it.

God i need to talk about something else. I need to stop talking about him and thinking about him all the time. Its literally pathetic. Ive asked him so many times to just point blank tell me he just wants to fuck; that way i can let go of any notion that we could end up dating and i can remove myself from him in that way. But he wont. And i dont know why. it hurts so much that he cant even do that for me. Despite it all, if he were to mesage me right now and ask if he could come over i would let him. I would let him gut me like a fish and eat my liver and kidneys and other organs if he said he was that hungry. I really would.