midyear-resolution

[midyear-resolution]

I forgot about this

11:56 PM 10/13/2017

I forgot about this side hoe blog (as Cole would say) as well as my tumblr in general for a while.

I just got to thinking about something and wanted to write it down...or type it out, I guess.

As you get older, these fantasies you create from seeing movies and hearing fairytales growing up slowly being to fade. You don’t want the attention of as many people as possible anymore. You just want the attention of the people who matter. Maybe I am still a bit of a dreamer because I don’t want to network and be fake and do that stuff...ideally, someday it will all happen naturally.

More so, cheating is not cute and taboo if it is with the right person. I hate ever thinking it was at all okay in the slightest. You have to be fair to people and treat them with the respect that you want to be treated. Figure out your shit before dragging other people into it. I remember the dainty little stories I used to make when I hated my life and just wanted to fall into someone else’s.

I was thinking about it a bit ago...I have friends now. I have people that really care about me, I think. Maybe...it isn’t weird not to make super close connections in high school. You learn that every hardship you faced is unremarkable. I remember always thinking as a kid, wow, I wonder how many other people in the world are...rubbing their tongue against the front of their teeth while typing a self reflective tumblr post to themselves right now...then I’d think probably at least 10. Then I think I’d imagine what other people would do that, where they are, and how the world isn’t that big after all.

Anyway, I digress. I thought about how I am involved and have friends and money that we didn’t have growing up...but now...I have to come to terms with the fact that I really don’t like myself. I have to figure out how to fix the inside of me. I am not depressed anymore, at least. Instead of not feeling anything much with the exception of occasional despair really...and a pleasant distraction through reading, I feel so much.

I feel hurt easily or offended easily. I laugh before thinking about what was funny in the first place. I feel so much. It’s scary.

Panic attacks are scary.

But...at least I’m living.

At least I have reasons to feel so strongly now. I care about so many people and so many things so much...it’s hard. It’s definitely harder now...but it’s also so much better.

12:06 10/14

[midyear-resolution]

I think about it often

6/18 Sunday (I may have been wrong about yesterday’s date)

10:12 AM

I recall when I was younger, after my spurt of fun whimsical fan fiction of short stories, some author I loved said “write the story you want to read”, or something along those lines. I now understand that this is a common saying and common advice...but it was inspiring and I came back to that often when I wrote.

I don’t know how to write. The words just flow out of me without me knowing where they’re going, or what will happen next in the story. I still just write short stories. I just use the same characters to pretend there is some greater story going on.

I wrote this post to think about what I want from a story. What do I want to write about?

I want to write about how mental illness should not be romanticized. I want to write about how upset I am at myself for wasting so much time in high school being so close minded and never wanting to connect with people. I want to go back and change that...but I can’t.

I want to write something to inspire other people to not give into the comfortable lifestyle they might be living right now if they want more. I want to write something that will inspire me to be better than I am. I want to write something that is greater than just me. I want to address something big. I want to be the person I wanted when I felt so impossibly alone.

I want to write about how terrified I was to even consider myself depressed. I want to share that it is okay to feel confused and it is only natural to repress, but it isn’t good.

If life isn’t going how you want it, then change it. It sounds like I am trying to simplify the negatives pressing into you every day. I acknowledge that and do not mean to belittle anyone because what the heck do I know? Very little still.

If we don’t have that drive to change things though, then they won’t get better. It sucks to blame yourself for everything, I know. It can be hard to stop that thought process in its tracks, but it is imperative to move forward. I made that Pinterest board “Bravery”, and immediately felt like I should change it to “Courage” because it sounded better...and because I wanted to sound just a little bit smarter. I just worried what people would think. What people?

Why should I feel pressured to buy the book just because I keep going in? If anyone judged me, then that was their grievance, but I made it mine.

So, I kept the board as “Bravery” as my first tiny act of bravery.

I just don’t want anyone to feel alone. Books made me not feel alone. They helped me so much. They both saved me and pulled me farther from people. I felt like I didn’t need attachments to the outside world because I was doing fine by myself, right? Wrong, but at least I did not have to come to terms with that when I was reading.

I felt like I found some great loophole. What sort of parent would tell her child to stop reading? I stand by my belief that reading made me more perceptive and empathetic than I would be without reading, but I know I have used books as a crutch before. I just felt so comfortable.

Every three months I need to evaluate my life. I’ll take a breather day. I’ll recount my quarter and what I liked and didn’t like, how I feel comfortable, how I should push myself, everything I am grateful for, everything I resent, and let go. I really should try that.

[midyear-resolution]

Lemme Just Check

I wanted to write a story here every day. I can't think of anything. I just finished It Ends With Us today a few hours ago. I’m in Neah. Things are great. I don’t know what to write, so I checked with pinterest and found a few writing challenges. I kind of want to do the letters...

I kind of want to do them on paper though...I”m making a separate blog for all of that. It needs to be a secret.

I’ll just do a song pic like I used to for KND. I’ll just do those when I’m illing for better material. It is basically retelling a story that has already been told, but I’m down for that if that’s all I have.

To commemorate TSwizz coming back to Streaming, I closed my eyes and let the mouse roll (trackpad, I guess) to a song. It was All Too Well.

Songfics just gave me leading that I had to adapt into a prompt for each line. They were so easy.

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,

I really didn’t want to go back to that place. It had been months since I saw him, since I saw any of them, really. I feel like that family used to be my life, my livelihood.

And I missed them.

They used to come into work all of the time just to catch a glimpse of the working girl. Either Faith or Austin would usually drive me back once work finished.

Neither of them had stepped foot into the restaurant for weeks though. For the first few days after the break up, I looked up nearly every time the door opened, hoping to meet a familiar face only to be constantly disappointed.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t like this. When I can’t write, I try to edit my stuff that now ranges from 3 to 1 year old. I just wish I could write again. I love writing. I love when I get into writing stints.

Anyway, here’s wonder wall... But something 'bout it felt like home somehow. And I left my scarf there at your sister's house, And you've still got it in your drawer even now.

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze. We're singing in the car, getting lost Upstate. Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place, And I can picture it after all these days.

And I know it's long gone, And that magic's not here no more, And I might be okay, But I'm not fine at all.

'Cause there we are again on that little town street. You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me. Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red. You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin sized bed And your mother's telling stories about you on a tee ball team You taught me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me.

And I know it's long gone And there was nothing else I could do And I forget about you long enough To forget why I needed to...

'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night. We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.

Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up. Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise. So casually cruel in the name of being honest. I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here 'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week 'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me You can't get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well