miladymiss

[miladymiss]

#if you ask I will write a whole goddamn essay on Boromir #and why his death means more to us as we get older *whispers* babe I want the essay

Why must you always enable me I love it never stop. So. Wow. Where to even start. I rant through my tears about how much I love Boromir every time I watch Lord of the Rings, which I do about once a year with @captainofthefallen. Every time I watch it, his death means more to me, hits me harder, and I think that’s because the older we get, the more we identify with Boromir.

Here’s the thing. In all honesty, as a kid (I first read LotR when I was eleven, first watched the films at that age as well), I wasn’t too fond of Boromir. Oh I liked him all right, he was fine I suppose, but I didn’t connect with him. I was angry when he tried to take the One Ring from Frodo, and I cried a little at his death because death is sad and I was a kid, but it didn’t devastate me.

Because as a kid? I wanted to be Aragorn. The reluctant king who rises up and does the right thing, always. The guy who gets the amazing (be still my bi heart) Arwen, the Evenstar, fairest of the elves. The guy who literally kicks ass. The man who is noble, honorable, thoughtful, good with his words, humble, knows the burdens of leadership, who stands up and says there will be a day when the courage of men fails, but this is not that day.

I wanted to be the hero.

I noticed this trend among my peers growing up. We all loved Aragorn and wanted to be him. Boromir was sort of dismissed.

But then a funny thing happened, called getting older.

I got older, and I fucked up.

I got older, and depression hit.

I got older, and the weight of societal expectations, of being an older sibling, of adult responsibilities, of legacy, of family secrets, of family history, all settled on my shoulders.

I got older, and I learned that men are not always honorable, or kind, or humble, or the leaders they should be. And I learned how hard and desperate it is to continue to believe in the strength of men.

I got older, and I learned how temptation comes for us all, in different forms, and how we hurt people without meaning to, and how sometimes for all our regret and tears and apologies, we cannot mend what we broke.

I got older, and I leaned what it is to be forced into a role I didn’t want, to feel I’d hit a dead end, to struggle against those who had different views, to feel like people could look into my heart and see the anger and fear that I tried so hard to hide.

I got older, and I realized: I’m Boromir.

We’re all Boromir.

Tolkien was very deliberate with his characters. They aren’t just characters, flawed and wonderful though they might be. They also each represent something very specific. Aragorn represents the Ideal. The hero that we all can be, the hero that we should strive to be, the vision of mankind as we are supposed to be, if only we can let ourselves shed our hubris and our doubts. Aragorn represents who we should be.

Boromir represents who we are.

Flawed, frustrated, burdened, tempted, struggling, setback, good intentioned, afraid, angry, kindhearted, noble, loyal, and painfully, beautifully human.

Boromir went to the Council of Elrond reluctantly. He shouldn’t have gone. Boromir is a war leader, as we learn after his death. He successfully fought for and defended Gondor from Mordor for years. That’s where he belongs. Faramir is the quiet one, the diplomat, the “wizard’s pupil,” the soft-spoken and patient one. Note that even in the film version, which shows a differently characterized Faramir than in the books (Tolkien heavily based Faramir on himself), Faramir only wants the One Ring in order to give it to his father and win his father’s pride and affection–he doesn’t want it for himself.

If Faramir had been at the Council and Boromir had stayed in Gondor, everything would have gone differently, and possibly for the better.

But the Steward of Fuckwits aka Boromir and Faramir’s father decides he wants Boromir to go, to represent their family, because Boromir is the son he values and is the “face” of Gondor. So Boromir sets aside what he wants, and he goes. And the whole time he feels out of place, feels like a fish out of water, feels second to Aragorn, feels lost, feels terrified his city will fall while he is gone, feels like the race of Men is being mocked and looked down on as weak.

How many of us as we grow up are stuck like that? We can’t fix our family (although we try), we can’t fix our broken country (although we try), we can’t get rid of the doubts and fears that whisper to us (although we try), and we can’t stop feeling like we’re constantly second best, constantly failing, looked down on, especially the millennial generation.

(Given what’s happening in the world right now, I wouldn’t be surprised if Tolkien found himself surprisingly similar in outlook and feeling to our generation. But that’s another topic.)

And of course that’s the key. Boromir–darling, frustrated, stuck, fatally flawed Boromir–is so very relatable because he tries. He tries to teach Merry and Pippin to protect themselves and then tries to save them and dies for it. He tries to convince Aragorn (who at that point is more elf than man in his outlook) that there is no reason to give up on his people, their people–and he succeeds in that, although he dies before he gets to see it. He tries to make his father proud. He tries to apologize when he fucks up. He tries and he fails, and he tries and he succeeds. And the most important things he does, the biggest seeds he plants, he never sees them flower.

Like my God, the man’s last words are I failed. I failed you, I failed Frodo, I tried to take the Ring. I’m sorry, I failed. That hits me so goddamn hard in my mid20s and it’ll hit me even harder when I’m older, I’m sure. How many times have we said that to people? “I tried to help him.” “I tried to reach out.” “I tried to apologize.” “I tried to stop them.” “I tried so hard.” I tried, I tried, I tried. For the job, for the friend, for everything, I tried.

And I failed.

I have a laundry list of things I tried and failed at, and God, do they hurt. Sometimes it was something out of my control, sometimes it was my own behavior. And that scene with Boromir, the flawed man, staring up at Aragorn, the ideal hero, and begging him, begging him, “save them, they took the little ones, find Frodo,” begging him for forgiveness, apologizing for his failures?

Talk about a fucking metaphor.

We make our ideals in literature so that we have something to look up to and strive for, for others to strive for. Boromir falls prey to the ring, but Aragorn does not. You did what I could not. Of course Aragorn did. He’s the ideal. And we beg our ideals to be better so they can show us the way and hopefully, maybe, someday, we can be like them.

I had so many heroes growing up, real and literary. Sara from A Little Princess. Aragorn. Lucy from Narnia. Nancy Drew. Harry Potter. And so many times I would look at myself in the mirror and cry because I knew, I knew if I stood in front of them they would be disappointed in me. I knew I wasn’t being the person I could be. I tried, I failed, I tried, I failed, but my God I swear, I tried.

As a kid or even a teenager, we still see mainly who we want to be. Our ideal. And I hope that we never lose sight of that. I love Aragorn and my God am I going to keep trying to be like him, and like all of my other literary heroes. We need those heroes, we need them so badly, and the darker the world gets the brighter we have to make them shine.

As an adult, though–as an adult, we start to see not only who we want to be, but who we are, and who we could’ve been, and how we failed to be, and the paths not taken and the paths that were lost. And that’s important too. Because Boromir died convinced he was a failure. Convinced he was, truly, the weakness we find in men.

And he was… but he wasn’t.

Without Boromir, Aragorn wouldn’t know what happened to Merry and Pippin or where they went. Without Boromir, Aragorn would’ve had no hope in the race of men. Without Boromir, who would have carried the hobbits up the cold mountain, or taught them how to fight, or said give them a moment, for pity’s sake! Who would have defended Gondor for so long, or loved his brother with a ferocity that Denethor’s abuse couldn’t knock loose, and inspired that brother to keep fighting even as the light faded and the night grew cold and long?

Aragorn carries Boromir’s bracers throughout the rest of the trilogy, right up to his coronation, where he is still wearing them as he is made King. Because Boromir might not have seen it–we might not see it–but we tried and we failed but we didn’t fail at everything. Lives are made brighter for our presence. The world is better for our gifts and our convictions. And no fight, even a fight lost, is done in vain.

The remains of the Fellowship ride to Gondor not just because it’s the Right Thing to Do, but because it is the city of their fallen brother, it’s Boromir’s home, the home that above all he gave everything to defend. Boromir doesn’t want the Ring for power, he wants it so his home will be safe, his family will be safe, and God who can’t relate to that, as we grow older and we see our families and friends attacked and scarred, as we have children and want them out of harm’s way. Who wouldn’t be tempted to seize the chance to keep them safe?

I see so much of myself in Boromir. And I take hope. I take inspiration. I cheer through my tears as he is hit again and again with arrows and each time he gets back up on his feet and grits his teeth and you can see him thinking not today. As a child I thought Boromir was selfish but as an adult I hear him use his last breath to apologize to Aragorn and call him his brother and his king and I see he’s more selfless than he ever gave himself credit for being. Boromir sees only his faults, but we can see what he doesn’t, we see his positive impact and we see his virtues, too.

Because as an adult I’ve failed, and I want to believe that like Boromir, I’ve also succeeded, I’ve also been more than just my faults–even if I can’t see that yet.

Aragorn is who we should be. But Boromir is who we are.

And my God, we should be proud of that. Because Boromir is a damn good person to be.

[miladymiss]

Another little thing in FOTR that Gets me every time–

In Lothlorien, Boromir asks Aragorn if he’s ever “been called home by the clear ringing of silver trumpets,” and promises to return to the White City with him one day….. as if he believes Minas Tirith is Aragorn’s home too. But Aragorn is clearly hesitant.

Later, Boromir tries to convince Aragorn to take the Fellowship to Minas Tirith. He asks: “why do you have so little faith in your own people?”

 Aragorn snaps and responds “I would not lead the ring within a hundred leagues of your city.” 

Aragorn is flat-out saying: “they’re not my people— they’re yours. Minas Tirith is not my home– it’s yours.”

And Aragorn’s refusal to help Gondor is what drives Boromir to desperation. Aragorn was his last hope, and when he refuses to help….Boromir feels like taking the Ring is his only choice.

As Boromir is dying, he tells Aragorn: “All will come to darkness…and my city to ruin!”

Boromir no longer refers to Minas Tirith as “your city” or “our city.” Because he’s finally lost all hope that Aragorn will ever see Minas Tirith as his home. He’s stopped trying to convince him.

But then Aragorn responds:

“I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the White City fall– nor our people fail.”

And just….. the shock, then the utter relief in Boromir’s voice as he quietly repeats “our people...our people…..” 

[miladymiss]

the reason Tolkien pulls off “magic is leaving the world” without it being depressing or disappointing is that the whole story is about how this loss is sad, yes, but also right for the time, and moreover that the magic—the elves, the dragons, the dark lords with magic rings and returned kings with legendary swords—were never the important thing. “Returned king with legendary sword” is literally a ploy the heroes use to hide the real hero, Frodo Baggins of the Shire. The end of the story isn’t the ship leaving for the West, it’s Sam coming home to Bag End. The wonderful thing in Middle Earth isn’t what is lost, it’s what remains, what is saved.

[miladymiss]

A bit of an art dump for the end of the year. I've slowly been getting better at this whole drawing thing and it makes me so happy. Younger!Me had always dreamed of being able to translate images from my head to the page and I'm slowly reaching the point where oh my gosh. They're actually starting to look pretty ok.

TINY BLURBS FOR EACH BELOW THE CUT BC WHY NOT

1) Another Vanya in my portfolio. She takes up most of my character brainspace and thus most of my drawing efforts. I might make a post later showing my progression entirely in drawings of her because that's legit where you can see 90% of the evolution this year came from. This one is the latest I made and also isn't finished, but it is the best so far so. //Ta-Da Motion//

This is my first experiment with half-body in a While. I've always been semi-terrified of drawing the human figure because I'm Really Bad At It. But I figured, if I never start then how will I get anywhere?

2) This snazzy man is an NPC by our dear DM @intensesargasm. He goes by the name of Velmier. I (and by extension Vanya) am notorious for forgetting names and so it's partly a miracle and partly thanks to the fact that I have a soft spot for suave, pretty elf bois that I remembered his. Another half body and a very very sincere attempt at drawing clothes with Folds and Creases and all the other things that make clothes a pain to draw. I'm still stupidly happy with how his hand turned out.

3) This is Sorrel, Vanya's missing bff. Are they more that just friends? Who knows; Vanya certainly doesn't! I gave the girl a smidge too much denseness. He's a sun elf paladin who serves Vandria Gilmadrith and if I told you the first half of this sentence was made up on the spot in-game I would not be lying but also I doubt you'd believe me because:

1) Sun elves are apparently one of the few elven races who lean toward taking up the mantle of paladin; the others are more prone to chaotic alignments and thus are not drawn to the lifestyle/dogma of most paladins.

2) Vandria Gilmadrith is one of the few elven gods who isn't in fact of chaotic alignment. She's known as an elven goddess with few elven followers because of their freespirited natures. I chose her because she was the first elven war god I saw on the wiki.

And 3) Vandria is described as a goddess with white wings and white hair that she often wears as a braid doES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?? (She's also part(?) drow so they aren't exactly alike but considering all this was coincidental is crazy.)

ANYWAY BACK TO THE DRAWING. Drawing just the head again after agonizing over half for forever was absolutely delightful, and it took me way less time than I expected. I'm pretty sure I went from rough sketch to whatever state this is in less than four hours, which is short for me. I played with a new technique here where I just blotched colors over the lineart and adjusted accordingly instead of painstakingly following my lineart to the letter and correcting when something went wrong. It gave a lot of freedom for editing.

Yea that's prettymuch all I got haha. Sorry for the long ramble, but I like talking and I figured as long as everything was below the cut people wouldn't get too mad. Have a good day, folks!

I'M SORRY I SAID TINY BLURBS AND THESE AREN'T TINY 😭

[miladymiss]

Zak: I DONT THINK I EVER HAD A VERY LUCKY TEN PULL Also Zak, months ago, about 3 days into Genshin and 7 pulls into the character banner:

1, 3, 4, 9, 17, 22, 29 and 29 if you want :3

1. Who is your main?

i used to main bennett and razor (and i do still love them DEARLY and theyre both still on my main team) but i gave kaeya my only 5 star weapon, i gave him my best atk and crit artifacts, i got him at c1, i level up his talents the most, i just. ONLY THE BEST FOR U KAEYA ALBERICH!!!!!

3. When did you start playing Genshin Impact

early april 2021!!!!

4. How did you come across Genshin Impact

this is all my dearest friend kathleen @miladymiss's fault. she brought it up enough times for me to be curious and then i caved and downloaded it to my phone. sadly, i dont have a screencap of my first first first genshin experience reaction because i think i did that on voice call, but here is the first text message between kathleen and i managed to dig up

9. My favorite ship/s is/are?

//DEEP INHALE

i ship so so so many genshin ships it is embarassing so my metric for what i consider my Favorite will be "ships i check on ao3 and twitter for every damn day like the morning newspaper"

kaeya/childe, zhongli/childe, jean/diluc, signora/childe, bennett/razor

i feel like so many things can be gleamed from my personality with this set of ships i have listed......

17. Your current party composition

BEHOLD!!! MY TEAM!!!!

xingqui is my only character who i think? counts as support? his main job is to make things wet so everybody else's elemental reactions can hit sexy.

razor, kaeya, and bennett are All my main dps. my Trifecta Of Pain. i built all three of them with a focus on either atk or crit rate/dmg or both, because the only stat i care about is making enemies be dead faster.

bennett is also my healer though and i owe him my life for it, i would have been long dead by now if it werent for his healing

the funny thing about having 3/4ths dps team is that xingqui is benched once he's done his job at inflicting hydro. so while my damage dealers are off getting themselves beat to hell and back and then healed and then pummeled again, xingqui is just.....sitting at the side reading his book

xingqui: having the time of my life :') paimon: YOUR TEAMMATES ARE DYING xingqui: this isnt about them

22. Who are you pulling next?

well aside from collecting more constellations for my main team above, call me a basic bitch, but i want tohma. i most probably wont use him, i just want to look at him. im not playing this game to be a good gamer, im playing this game to collect hot anime men like stuffed toys on my bed.

also i would really like if diluc came home just so i can put him in my teapot next to jean, who i do have. come on, diluc. i have your wife. come to me pls. PLS.

29. What is your luckiest roll?

I DONT THINK I EVER HAD A VERY LUCKY TEN PULL AKJBFKJSFKAS. im terrible at saving up primos, the moment i have enough for a single pull, i spend them immediately......

thank u for the asks!!! :DDDD

[miladymiss]

I figured I might as well share this little lady here too. This is Candy. Candy is an alien.

When @intensesargasm‘s modern-day superhero D&D campaign kicked off and I was told the rule was to make a human “or convince [him] otherwise” I basically begged to be allowed an alien because she was jumping up and down in my head wavin her arms about like no one’s business. She’s a young Changeling, according to the official stat blocks.

Candy’s trying to fit in at a modern day high school while maintaining a streaming and YouTube channel for SCIENCE and the betterment of her alien race (think a less murdery borg). She basically plays the algorithms like a fiddle, hence her.... her-ness. Then all sortsa crazy things start happening in the calm city of Brechester and long story short she ended up with superpowers wooo~

TLDR; I made an egirl alien oc and I love her

[miladymiss]

Just a little comic.

[miladymiss]

Vanya died a couple sessions ago and had to be Revivified

She's not taking it too well poor thing

[miladymiss]

Vanya loves the stars and stargazing but I'm hoping she she'll come to love who she's staring at more 😂

[miladymiss]

My lovely Aasimar sourcerer Vanya has helped get me back into art 💕

[miladymiss]

My little haven from reality 💝

[miladymiss]

Brilliant 💖

discussion in the ac channel in my server this morning

[miladymiss]

Aisha is a Very Good Writer and I'm very proud of them!! Check their work out! 💝

notes from the autopsy by aisha rallonza | now available for purchase on gumroad! (early access for my tumblr followers :D)

what is this

“notes from the autopsy” is a nonfiction chapbook written by Aisha Rallonza.  This book is a part of the Chapbook Series from the theses of students of Creative Writing in the Department of Fine Arts of the Ateneo de Manila University. 

The official chapbook launch is going to occur later this week, but I have decided to unofficially (i.e. on my personal blog and not my writing blog) release my chapbook tonight as a kind of early access hehe. 

contents of the book

A cemetery of the rich and a cemetery of the poor, the act of peeling the skin off of a dead animal, the relationship of mother and child put under the lens of aging, the experience of wanting to throw one’s self off a building. How does death shape life? This collection slices open the body of mortality, peers into it, and attempts to make answers from the viscera.

This chapbook contains four essays: Resting Places, To Keep Safe, Growing Pains, and Are You Telling The Truth? Essays that have previously been posted have been expanded or revised. The approximate wordcount of this chapbook is 19k words.

beneficiaries

All proceeds from the chapbooks sales will be donated to the Bakwit School in Metro Manila, who are feeding around 100 displaced Lumad youth. The proceeds will also be used to replenish their medical supplies in order to remain safe during the time of the pandemic.

click here to purchase the chapbook on Gumroad. price minimum is set at $2, but you have the option to pay more if you wish. 

i hope you enjoy!!! reblogs are much appreciated :D

[miladymiss]

Muffy was wondering why everyone assumed she didn't like flowers and it broke my heart 💔

[miladymiss]

Who knew pandas could be so well-camouflaged?

[miladymiss]

Happy release week!