milanee

[milanee]

Rib some fat cloudz Angela 👉🏻👈🏻🥺

[milanee]

*My roommate is eating a plain piece of toast and staring out of the window*

Me: what are you thinking about?

Her: How hard it is to chew toast with my Botox you know

[milanee]

If he is your guaband you can benj on all the haters with the guki onecycles he is gonna get you

[milanee]

“In case you haven’t noticed, people get hard-hearted against the people they hurt. Because they can’t stand it. Literally. To think we did that to someone. I did that. So we think of all the reasons why it’s okay we did whatever we did.”

— Elizabeth Strout, The Burgess Boys

[milanee]

“There was nothing more pressing to do all day, every day, except think about the question that his whole life had failed to answer: How did music trick the body into thinking it had a soul?”

— Richard Powers, Orfeo

[milanee]

“More and more, it feels like I’m doing a really bad impersonation of myself.”

— Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

[milanee]

Adaption...

... it’s necessary to survive. You always need to adapt and continue changing to be a functioning part of society. But I think I have lost myself. There are so many different personalities, that I created for myself, that I don’t know where I actually left “me”. It’s like I’m looking into the mirror, but I can’t recognize my own face. It’s all blurry. Sometimes I think it clears up, maybe I can see a familiar touch, but then it’s gone again and the mist, fogging up my vision, only seems to be getting thicker and thicker.

[milanee]

I feel terrible...

...for not loving you the same way, that you love me. Believe me I have been there, it hurts so much to be constantly cast aside, to always be the second choice, the rebound, only good enough until they find something better. It hurts to see them look at someone with the same compassion, that you always look for, but never find, when they are talking to you. So believe me when I say, I hate myself, I hate myself so much for not loving you the way you deserve it and I hate myself for also being so selfish, that I can’t let you go. Maybe it’s my fear of being abandoned, or my fear of being lonely again, that’s why I rather stay hurting you than letting go. I hope that one day you can forgive me for loving you not the way you deserve it, but the only way I’m capable of. I’m so sorry for breaking you and hurting you in the same way, that I have been hurt. Just know that I really hate myself for causing you this pain, but if you leave I’ll probably fall apart. There is nothing of me left, just some poisonous love and a lot of hatred and pain.

[milanee]

There are a few things I’d really like to change and a few people I’d really like to apologize to even if it is too late.

[milanee]

Identity

What’s mine?

Somehow I’m always a little bit different with every person that I meet. It’s like I create a version of myself that will get along with them the best. It’s not like I don’t have principles and values and I don’t change my believes that easily. But nonetheless I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way. It’s like I have so many personalities waiting for their five minutes of stage time that at the end of the day when I’m alone I don’t know which of them is me. Are they all me? Were they ever really me? I’m scared and I feel like I lost something really important. I lost myself.

[milanee]

Some thoughts about love

What is love?

Recently I haven been doubting the type of love that I have/give to people. I just choose people who I find aesthetically pleasing and that I’m comfortable around. It’s like I’m just holding onto them because I don’t want to be left alone. I talked to my friend about that and she said that you have to grow to love people and that there is no love at first sight but I feel like that just can’t be it. I can’t just pick someone random that I think is attractive and easy to be around and date them with the concept that I’ll eventually fall in love with them. I think maybe I have never been in love maybe I just got used to their presence.