mimigodiva

[mimigodiva]

most days, i still wish it was easy to die. to just go and leave everything, everyone behind. to leave without thinking where your soul (if there is one) will end up after. to die without the burden of conscience.

i do not feel significant. that i am not needed anymore, anywhere. or maybe i really am not that important, i know everyone will just continue on living even without me (which they should). that my death will not really affect anyone. i hope that would be the case. everyone will just move on and forget about everything - which, again, they should do. nobody deserves the heartbreak, i hope nobody gets their heart shattered.

if i die, please just move on and be happy. i dont want to be the cause of someone's tears or heartbreak or mourning.

[mimigodiva]

I've made peace with a lot of things throughout my entire life.

I was okay being the youngest of 5 (albeit not having any other choice) even if my siblings and I has a gap of 10+ years. I've learned how to figure out and deal with things on my own. I was fine even if I wasn't an achiever in college. I'm still fine even if I was hurting while loving these men romantically. I've felt and welcomed my sexuality at a young age.

But this acceptance and self-love also came with the realization that someone like me will always have it hard. That it's much more probable for me to grow old alone than find a man who will love me unconditionally, or even just someone who could give back what I can offer. That I am fated to be alone because I am like this. That in my lifetime, I will never get to experience this kind of happiness that only comes with love.

It's fucked up, I know. That's why I've always held onto my fantasies, to my what ifs, my reverie. Even if they've already altered my brain's physical structure and chemistry. Even if they've filled my mind with such destructive and intrusive thoughts, I've held them dearly. They're the only thing that could get me close to having this life that I desire.

I may feel that without some recognizability I cannot live. But I may also feel that the terms by which I am recognized make life unlivable.

I have no regrets, but I'm getting tired too. I wish it was that easy to let go.

[mimigodiva]

almost 2 years later, heto na naman tayo sa walang katapusang anxiety and sadness na may bonus na suicidal ideations. pls lang takot na takot na ko for myself.

[mimigodiva]

Good fucking lord will there be ever a day na hindi ako malulungkot

[mimigodiva]

its kind of sad when i think ill never be able to love someone else as intense as i have loved you before

[mimigodiva]

im so pathetic putangina.

[mimigodiva]

haha tangek okay lang, sino ba naman ako para pag-adjustan nila ng plans.

[mimigodiva]

I just realized, that after all the joy and pain all throughout the years that we've known each other, I never got to say "I love you"

[mimigodiva]

Haha tangina oo na sige na great person pero hindi niyo naman kayang mahalin.

[mimigodiva]

210509 9:22PM

I just realized, lahat ng relationships ko - may label man o wala, unrequited or not - lahat walang proper closure na nangyari.

My very first one, walang official break up. One day I just knew that rthey were cheating on me, then we just stopped there. Ni hindi niya ko hinabol to ask what the problem was, or kung may nagawa ba siya. We both acted as if nothing happened, but I do remember crying myself to sleep that night while talking to a friend. Literal na 11 years na lumipas, but we never talked about it.

The second one, although there was a clear ending, I never knew the reason why he went back to Cebu. I never knew why he left me, or why did things didn’t work out for them afterwards. It has been years too, but I can’t recall kung may nasabi ba siya kung bakit kasi one day nawala na lang siya, then next thing I know he’s back there. I can’t remember if he said anything afterwards.

This one, wala namang reciprocation. Ako lang naman may feelings, but I never got a reply. I mean, oo actions speak louder than words and I already know what he meant, pero bakit? I just never had the courage to ask since alam ko na rin naman yung sagot, but sometimes I wonder, would it hurt less if I asked for an explanation?

But this latest one really dug up all of my years of issues with relationships. He just said that someone came back, and he doesn’t know what to feel. He just said sorry, then good night. That was the last time we talked. And it hurts so much because I could see him doing better than me, as if he didn’t invest anything in our weeks of non-stop landian and sweet whatnots. Did I read the cards wrong na naman ba? Ako lang na naman ba yung may feelings? Or did I do something wrong? Kasi I really don’t understand why I am feeling this way. I feel so dumbh for feeling this way towards something na wala namang label. I didn’t get to know how he felt, or if he felt anything at all. I didn’t get to know if his reason was clear or if he just needed a way out of it. Sobrang labo, and I’m the only one here thinking about it - just like how I was in those previous relationships. Sobrang nakakapagod na.

[mimigodiva]

210315 7:11AM

Surprisingly, I felt nothing.

I mean, it’s impossible to feel nothing - there’s always something - but I think what I wanted to say was I felt different or my feelings were different than before.

I was supposed to meet someone form Grindr last Saturday. I’m not panicking, not even anxious even though I felt super fugly before leaving the house - I felt okay. But that’s maybe because I know that there’s only a little chance that this meet up will happen, and I was right.

I was standing at that 7/Eleven branch along Pureza (the one near CEA) for a good 45 minutes, just waiting for a message on my Telegram. I hate waiting, especially if you’re the one who set the time. But I stopped myself from being angry, irritated because I don’t want to spoil my mood which could affect our meet up.

I decided to just go when it has been an hour already. I didn’t want to go home yet though. Being the dumb bitch that I am, I just thought of getting sisig from that Sizzling House in 2nd floor. I was too shy to ride a pedicab or trike so I just walked.

What amazed me during that walk was that I wasn’t angry. Irritated, maybe. On normal days, I would be so mad since I was stood up. Of course I started questioning myself - did he see me and thought that I was too ugly for his liking? Did I say something wrong? Am I the only one interested? Is this really worth it?

But weeks of helping people parse and do cognitive restructuring taught me how to help myself too. I realized I didn’t do anything wrong. I tried to be rational, and just thought that maybe something came up, or this isn’t the right time for this.

What’s funny was I was walking along Anonas that time - the same street that me and Gela used to take whenever we wanted to just walk and talk. It was different now since I am alone with my thoughts, just with the memories of me and my friends walking, reminiscing what we used to talk about when taking this road.

But just like what I said, I feel different now. Roughly 3 years later after college, I feel different now - far from being broken, sad, and dramatic all the time. Have I moved on? Maybe. Have I already let go of what I was holding onto for years? I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, my feelings have changed over the years since then, but I haven’t really had any closure, got no reply for nearly 4 years, so you can’t really blame me if I’m choosing to unearth all of these now.

Feelings change, but I will always remember how I didn’t get any reply that one night in 2017, how I was stood up last Saturday, and everything that was said in on this street.

[mimigodiva]

210308 12:26AM

i’m not really sure if this is the best idea to go about this, but i’m starting a journal. and i’m not really sure as well if this is the best platform to go to. should i really do this? i mean, it has been months/years since i’ve wrote something other than suicide, i’m not really sure if i could commit to doing this.

but i think it’s time to really face whatever that’s buried inside me. don’t mind me, this is just part of self-awareness thing for work, but let’s see - this might help me as well in the process. expect more kadramahan from me on a daily basis or at least from time to time - don’t mind me as i regurgitate shitty emotions and thoughts that i should’ve processed a few years back.

~

[mimigodiva]

ah there it is again - the choking sensation, the suffocation, the overthinking. please i just want this to end.

[mimigodiva]

TW: Suicide

In case I cave in to my suicidal ideations this week, please remember that I love you.

I cannot see a future in me anymore, I have nowhere to go. Everyday's full of anxiety and exhaustion, of withdrawal and isolation, of ideations and near attempts. If I'm not thinking too much, I would've sealed my head in a plastic bag already, or overdosed with medicine, or hanged myself.

But there's too much that's holding me back.

[mimigodiva]

I've been catching myself lately, always looking up when I'm in my room, or in the shower. Looking for a hook, maybe? A strong post? Anything where I could hang a noose and could carry my weight.

When going out, I always look sideways, looking out for incoming cars. No, not to avoid them, but to be ran over and hopefully die in the process.

I always look down, whenever I'm crossing the footbridge to Metro East. Is this bridge high enough? Am I going to die on impact? Are there any incoming trucks?

I always watch my back whenever I'm still outside, late at night. No, I'm not being careful nor vigilant. I want to know if someone's following me. A rapist? Snatcher? Murderer? I would beg to be killed.

I am just really tired. I don't want to wake up anymore. I should've pulled the rope tighter last April.

[mimigodiva]

art. and here is my last piece a pastiche of everything i still have for you my panacea to this never-ending unrequited love Didn't know I'll be attending a witchcraft/occult ceremony instead of book signing lol. Thank you so much, Nico Tortorella! This book is an exploratory for all of the beautiful things unknown in life. Thank you for being so engaging, for being so fun in the event, and for appreciating what I wrote in "art"! Thank you for making my first book signing experience memorable, and my first ever poetry book worth it. I love youuuuuuuu! 💕 (at Smx Convention Center, Mall Of Asia Manila, Philippines) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn0NP5rFh81/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=lzpbab974fcd

[mimigodiva]

syndrome

Ain't it cute and ironic? It feels like I am having identity confusion (in Erikson's terms) despite being, somehow, fully aware of "who am I." Like, "divided self-image, inability to establish intimacy, sense of time urgency, lack of concentration on required tasks, and a rejection of family or community standard." Except the latter, I THINK I have, in some degrees, those remaining problems. And it totally bugs me because the next psychosocial stage, young adulthood, has intimacy vs isolation. And if I am not able to resolve my shits in a few years time, I'll be bound to lack the capacity to take chances with one's identity by sharing true intimacy! I might be taking this too seriously lol but of course, you cannot help but think and relate yourself to what you're reading to understand it further. And it seems like I have high chances of being doomed.