mindjuice - Tumblr blog

[mindjuice]

It's 5:02 in the afternoon and I've submitted the two stories I'm supposed to submit for work today. It's a holiday but of course holiday is not in a [insert profession here]'s dictionary.

Last night I was feeling a bit off so I decided to pull out some workout equipment just to raise my endorphin levels and get rid of the bad vibes in my system. As always, exercising helps me cope.

With the tropical storm that has recently ravaged some provinces in our country, leaving fatalities in the hardest-hit municipalities, people have been forcedly cooped up in their homes amid Undas season where people in our country usually flock to the cemeteries (or go out on a family vacation) to visit their departed loved ones.

I'd like to think that I don't have the right to complain given that the concrete walls of our house protected us while the tropical storm was hitting the streets last Saturday night.

However, it has made me

[mindjuice]

FROM THE ARCHIVES #4- Dear Bes,

I know that we are in the middle of a misunderstanding.I know that we are both in the state of confusion and a lot of things haven't been going our way.We may not talk that much anymore,we may not feel comfortable with each other anymore,but if you think that I would give up on you,you're thinking wrong.

It's just been a year since we've known each other but it's only been months since we've became the best of friends.We used to laugh our asses of on the shallow things.We used to sing to "Ain't it fun".We used to stay up all night just to talk about a lot of things.We never ran out of words to say and stories to tell to each other.I loved everything about our friendship.I felt safe and protected knowing that you are just always to the rescue when I am in need of a super hero.You saw every side of me.You knew every side of me.

I was feeling grateful during those days when I knew that there was a person I could be myself with.It dawned on me that knowing that you have a person to turn to is the best feeling one could ever feel.For once,I felt like it was the feeling I wish I couldn't erase and never regret having.I felt like I was on a shopping spree,not even minding on how expensive my bill could have been as long as I was happy with the stuff I've been getting.I felt that comfortable with you,bes.I was able to let it all out with you because I thought that you would accept me just as I was.I thought you were already the person who I could count on during my darkest times...but I was wrong.

Sadly,you started to disappear.The moment I've somehow seen coming.

[mindjuice]

FROM THE ARCHIVES #3

Thinking of pursuing the law profession starts with a hundred-percent courage in oneself.

The process, which started way back in the early years of my college life, was a long and tedious one. The decision-making was beyond tough and it took me years to finally decide to make it happen. 

I’ve scanned through numerous articles which stated a handful of tips if you want to enter law school and it made me feel scared and question myself if I’m really fit for the path I was planning to take.

I’ve got too many doubters and worse, some are even family members and relatives. Ironically speaking, law school is about looking for a support system to help you get through it all when you feel like falling apart in the middle of the night, doubting yourself while being drowned in hundreds of cases and provisions to master.

Lately, I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the support system part of this tough decision-making process because I’ve come to realize that this life-changing moment revealed the people who truly believe in me. This moment opened my eyes to the harsh truth that even the people I hold dear to my heart can be the ones who actually doubt on my capability to overcome a struggle in life when in fact they were the ones who destroyed you.

But really, this isn’t about them. This is about myself and my drive to fulfill my dream of becoming a lawyer. If I want to take this to another level, I better forget about those who aim to bring me down and instead, work not for the doubters but for the believers and those who continue to live in fear and vulnerability.

Anyway, the reason why I’ve finally decided to pursue law is to hit two birds with one stone: Learning the law and having that sense of fulfillment to extend my hand to the ones in need with the use of my skills in defending the innocent and putting the real bad guys in jail.

[mindjuice]

FROM THE ARCHIVES #2 -Functioning but not moving

Do you ever have one of those days when you are thinking yet you are not doing something about what you’re thinking? 

I’m in the state wherein I feel like I have no one to talk to and I have so many thoughts running in my mind.

I don’t have a job and I plan on pursuing law but I feel worthless

I’m caging myself within the borders of our house just because I feel like if I go out there, I won’t probably do anything right 

I keep on questioning my abilities and I don’t know how to step up and not let stuff affect me 

[mindjuice]

FROM THE ARCHIVES #1

Shitty,incoherent, a mess --- few words to describe my life right now. The way I write simply reflects how I’m living my life right now. No rules, just going with the flow. No routines, just coffee in the morning and all else will follow. We’ve probably been through a lot while in quarantine. We’ve dealt with far more monsters than we could ever imagine in this lifetime. Who would have thought that we would stop and feel so empty all of a sudden. Who would have thought that material things did not really 

[mindjuice]

Life, as cliche as it may sound, goes on

I have been living life at a rate that's ten times faster than how I used to, without noticing that I have been moving forward way faster than I expected it would go.

The people in my life--I've left them behind not in terms of the speed of my progress but in relation to how I've been quick to grab all the opportunities handed to me.

It sounds exhausting, just typing these words. Because, I've come to embrace the fast-paced and thrill-seeking life.

However, as I move forward, I'm leaving things behind--some are relationships, some are bad habits. I don't know if these two are correlated, though.

Surprisingly, I don't have enough words and coherence to come up with a nice piece. I'm a bit speechless on how I've been living life. But I'm enjoying it. I hope I won't regret it. I'm just really making the most out of it

[mindjuice]

I can't even remember the last time I devoted time for reading and writing

Such a shame that I'm not managing my time well

[mindjuice]

Tired of the privilege card

As much as I want to rant, I feel like my intention will always be misunderstood and I hate it.

If I'm not misunderstood, I'm made to feel guilty for what I feel. We are not the same. Being privileged (or having financial support) doesn't mean that I don't have problems of my own. I don't express everything because I know that I don't owe anyone any explanation but I hope you don't become bitter from your own experience. You experiencing difficulties doesn't mean that other people don't have the right to feel sad.

Privilege should never be a basis for alienating other people. But if their privilege steps on you and your rights, maybe that's the time that you should protest and get mad. Get mad at your roots, not the people you envy. The sad reality in life is we are born with mixture of fortunes and misfortunes. It's a paradox and it depends on a person how he/she will look at it.

Your feelings are valid but don't antagonize somebody just because you're not enjoying the same set of privileges that person enjoys. Focus on what you can control and tolerate. You may be unaware but sometimes what you currently deserve is deeply rooted in what you've been tolerating. It could be years of neglect or something else. Don't shift the blame to other people.

[mindjuice]

Now that we're in the middle of the pandemic-to-new normal transition, I feel overwhelmed because of the vast amount of opportunities that I need to take into consideration. This is a blessing of course and I'm beyond grateful. But the problem is how I will filter out the opportunities that I'm not really interested in.

Since the economy is trying to recover and people are revenge spending, I feel like there would be mass hiring as companies would already have ample budget to finance trainings and hiring of new employees. But then again, when the war between Ukraine and Russia transpired, it resulted in the biggest oil price hike in our country which now offsets the revenge spending and the opening up of the economy.

This world is so cruel because as a person who has been experiencing difficulty in terms of career decisions, I don't know how to decide as dilemmas keep piling up. Pouring my energy into health and fitness has somehow helped me cope because I am able to control my emotions specifically how I react to uncertainty and fluctuating economic conditions.

Although I'm beyond grateful of the privileges that I enjoy, I cannot discount the fact that I have a lot on my plate and I'm having a hard time categorizing decisions and compartmentalizing my thoughts. I'm already in the middle of a business plan for my small business but then my messenger popped up which reads: "Send your CV to this email". To say that I've been traumatized by an almost job offer is an understatement and receiving messages that offer me opportunities never fails to make me feel messed up. I need to stop having a fixed mindset for now because adjustments have been happening in my life and sometimes I don't know how to graciously face them. How do I balance my life ? At this age, I've done close to nothing. I've only invested in my health which may be enough for now but I also need a stable job. At the same time, I want a business and I've been so focused on that alone for the past month.

Lord, help me stay strong. Help me invest my energy in what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I know that I shall not depend on a single opportunity alone but please give me the strength to hustle on the side and have financial independence.

[mindjuice]

02/18/2022 - 7:52PM

I feel like I'm about to unload a heavy baggage in the next post

[mindjuice]

ON FEELING BEHIND AND USING REGRETS TO REEVALUATE

Whenever I feel like I'm behind in life, I feel bad that I don't get to enjoy the same set of privileges that others enjoy especially when it comes to education.

But then I also look back and see the weak child in me who didn't dare to dream. But sometimes dreaming can be a privilege too. I sometimes wonder what kind of childhood I had. I question myself sometimes---on how I didn't have enough courage to dream. Maybe because I had a weird sense of reality?

I didn't foresee that life would be this difficult. It's as if I wasn't prepared and trained to face everything that I'm facing now. I wish I was trained to see life in a long-term perspective instead of just following orders and easily submitting to tasks I'm not even sure would help me grow.

The way I see it, I did what other people told me to do, but I didn't give myself the chance to dream for myself. Other people dreamed for me, but it sucks that I didn't do the same for myself. It might seem that I'm hosting my own pity party right now, but don't worry about me.

I'm writing these things as a way to unload feelings and realizations. I know that I should let go of these things but on some days, I can't resist the temptation to just go through it and reevaluate where I went wrong along the way. I don't want to blame myself but I also don't want to blame other people.

Some people are responsible for your upbringing but at some point you would face the residue of your ancestors' unaccomplished mission. That may suck but that's reality. And you have to face it head-on.

[mindjuice]

A museum representing life in general. Paintings spewing different stories just like people enjoying freedom

Having different strokes and traits, shades and moods, lines and phases

The parallelism between art and life

How wonderful it is to live in a museum, housing different sets of emotions, failures, and victories

The beauty of architectural structures and how they conceal the conflicts hidden in homes, but celebration in some

Stairs which represent escape either from overstepped boundaries or to witness another floor of masterpiece

The declared heroes fighting for freedoms in each museum they can live in, also those silent heroes at home whom we've belittled but have done so much

High ceilings to witness paintings from different perspectives, rooms at home to deal with feelings which we've always swept under the rug

Reality is indeed subjective

[mindjuice]

Honestly, the political atmosphere in this country is tiring. I don't know the exact definition of politics but I hate the way that it's always been associated with dirty work, corruption, and cronies. It's just so dirty as if we've all forgotten about our sense of morality. I mean, I know that this boils down to the rotten education system but

As a citizen in a democratic society, we must all be firm when it comes to our stand on social issues. We have the freedom to vote our preferred candidates during elections but of course, freedom is ironically not free from consequences. Our choices as a nation will reflect our children and grandchildren's future.

[mindjuice]

10.03.2021 - Of roads, plants, eating good food, and socializing

The day started with me not wanting to go with my parents. Ever since the pandemic began, I would think of the outside world as hell and nothing but a source of anxiety. Bad news have been popping out like mushrooms from left and right—reporting the worsening number of covid cases and worse the rising death toll.

Sometimes we'd all be so torn between keeping our sanity in tact by going out and staying home to avoid risking our health and safety. The whole pandemic has been filled with dilemmas, with abnormalities penetrating our systems—something that's never tested our endurance this bad. In short, this is something that we're all still adjusting to, yes even after two years in. And yes, we've all realized that as cliche as it may sound, "no man is an island".

Anyway, let's cut to the chase. So my October 3rd was spent with some close family friends—a couple dear to our hearts. Two seniors longing for some children and grandchildren love. We are not, in any way, related by blood but somehow, we found a community that slowly turned us into family. I won't drop names and show pictures of them but I just want to write about them as a sign of appreciation.

Yesterday was the second time we've visited them amid the pandemic. They've been suffering from intense longing which they've satisfied by inviting family friends over. Apparently, they have children but they're already busy with their respective family lives. But I've already learned so much about family from just the two visits we've made. Older people have deep sadness in their hearts, especially Filipinos (because we are known to be family-oriented), when their children forget about them. Imagine having a wonderful career and growing to be a smart-ass person you never thought you'd become but somehow forgetting about how you've climbed your way to the ladder of success. You've blossomed into a successful person—the one that's ideal and perfectly defined by the society. But the catch is, this is at the expense of the feelings of the people who molded your personality in your formative years.

I myself have been brought up being reminded of gratitude. I don't really owe my parents anything because they brought me into this world and such is associated with a responsibility—to provide me with food, clothing, shelter, and whatnot. But no matter how much we try to veer away from "utang na loob" culture(something that we've all gotten accustomed to), we should not cut ties with our parents or low-key never make time for them, at the very least. Apart from the financial provision, our parents inherited to us some principles and values that would help us in carving our own paths. To have a successful career in life may be about us making it, but we have to remind ourselves that we didn't do it alone. People have been behind us all along. We have to show and express gratitude by making time for these people whom we call our parents. Yes, our upbringing is their responsibility. But we owe it to ourselves to establish wonderful relationships with our parents, no matter what. An unfulfilled duty as a child to our parents will leave a huge and unreasonable void in one's heart—something that we will find strange and unidentifiable. Life is too short to not make time for them—the people behind our success (aside from God).

[mindjuice]

On losing to the expectations of the people, but reclaiming your own peace of mind

How many times have you submitted to people's demands, wishes, and expectations of you?

It sucks to live in a world where you have to blend with the crowd and do what everybody else is doing. It sucks to be called an idealist if you choose to stay in your lane and ignore the background noise. It sucks to be different and unique rather than being the "normal" person---but then again, how do you define normal? Who defines what's normal, what's accepted, and what's not ? Isn't that a bit vague? To let norms,customs, traditions (except for rules and laws of course we should not violate laws), define you?

I have picked up a couple of lessons from Novak Djokovic's loss to Daniil Medvedev at the US Open Men's Singles Final 2021. In Novak's quest for making history---getting the calendar slam (which was last clinched in 1969 by Rod Laver), he managed to overcome opponents until facing Daniil in the Final round.

It was apparent how Novak had to beat the pressure in his chest to quiet down the "nerves" in the first set. This huge pressure stemmed from people's expectations of him making history. Apart from that, he had to deal with Daniil's big serves coupled with the early breaks which led to the latter's victory. Daniil denied Novak of his 21st grandslam and his quest for the calendar slam.

Novak, an athlete who's known to be mentally tough because of his five-set match victories, broke down in tears at the Arthur Ashe Stadium in New York City when the crowd unexpectedly favored him. Novak had always been the athlete who wouldn't really care about the boos and would usually draw his strength from within instead until Us Open final 2021 happened. During the changeover before Daniil was about to serve for the championship, Novak displayed a soft version of himself on court because of the crowd's support and love for him. He couldn't stop the tears from falling because of loss but mostly because of the realization that he actually has people to draw strength from on days that he would unusually have an "empty tank".

What I realized from the unusual three-set match of Novak: We all deal with battles within ourselves which other people don't know of. Others will always try to bring out the beast and the best in you but there will be times wherein all the vulnerability will just eat you up to make you realize that you're also human and you're allowed to feel emotions. We all know that it's not really our ultimate goal in life to please other people. But being a public figure whether you may be an athlete, an actress, a singer, or whatnot, is difficult because you are always at the receiving end of hate and ridicule. They will only judge what they see and forget to reconsider that you are also a human being living an imperfect life just like they live theirs. Ordinary people will see sources of entertainment as fictional characters living in their own little perfect worlds because people are often cruel and unforgiving. Of course, we all feel. We have hearts. We are only human after all, which almost everyone forgets every once in a while.

[mindjuice]

STABILITY

God's plan and promises for us are greater than our fears. Tomorrow might be uncertain but His word understands our dreams and aspirations. Let's dream while we align our dreams with His vision and mission for us. Each one of us has a purpose in this world and if we only surrender our plans to Him and open our arms wide enough, He will welcome us without hesitations. He will love us unconditionally. As promised, God only wants the best for us. Let's loosen up, let go of control, open our hearts, and let Him handle the rest. He has a boat big enough to accommodate all of us as long as we love our neighbors and respect His creation.

We may all be going through the toughest struggles but His promises for us are far greater than all our worries and fears. He's always got our backs. He's been with us all our lives that we only need to focus on His word. He will calm our hearts. The evil is working hard nowadays but God Himself doesn't need to beat that. He only needs His people to have faith in Him and His plans because He believes in His people. Let's be extra considerate and kind to one another. I hope we all heal from what we're going through. God is in control.

[mindjuice]

Someone once told me that I should step out of my comfort zone. Maybe, just maybe, I've been hiding under that umbrella---wasting my time making decisions and formulating plans in my head but not knowing how to execute all these plans.

My plans are merely soft copies waiting to be printed on sheets of paper. But I don't know, with all that's been happening, I also ask myself series of questions on why I haven't mustered all the courage to live up to my potential. I am capable but I'm a bit scared. But I can't also deny that I've been trying really hard to submit applications. I've even tailored my resume in accordance to the position that I hope to apply for.

On some days, I also never fail to compare my pace and journey with other people's. But as they say, "comparison is the thief of joy". And sometimes I hate falling into this trap because it stunts my growth and progress. And whenever I find myself falling into this hole, I know that I have to go back to square one and build another ladder to climb up again to redeem myself.

I hate receiving unsolicited pieces of advice because I can't think clearly. For me, it's pure noise and it's unnecessary--well as long as I don't need it yet. But I also try to look at these things as nuggets of concern to help me simply get out of my shell.

But lately, I've only been praying for survival. I haven't had the guts to pray for specific things like a new job (which, ironically, is needed to survive). Ugh, whatever. I will be able to clear my mind soon. Rejections have been making me self-reject as well and it's not good. As much as I want to take it easy, tomorrow not being promised is not to be taken lightly.