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It’s the first time in a while that I’ve had time to self reflect. I’m not feeling so great these days, I wonder a lot if I’m really in control of my life. I don’t feel it recently, I really want to believe that I am but when I’m alone with my thoughts or when I’m zoning out, I feel like my heart is heavy and my mind is burdened. I almost feel guilty about it. What have I got to be troubled by? I am picking up the pieces of my life, sure it’s slow but I’m doing it. I think I’m still finding it hard to open up fully, I am so scared of it being a burden to people. Last time I did that fully, it made me so dependent and vulnerable, I hated it…

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I was thinking about my ex recently, but not in the way you might expect me to. I was thinking a lot about how he felt knowing I was in a relationship so quickly after we broke up. Would it cast doubt in his mind that I was unfaithful to him, just like how my ex moving on so quickly casted doubt in my mind? Would it ruin him just like how my ex ruined me? I felt some kind of guilt, and I know it shouldn’t be something that I had to explain to him since I didn’t do anything wrong, but maybe the timing of it made everyone think/feel that way about my new relationship. I am quite tired of having to explain myself to people about how “rushed” it looks from the outside. I’m starting to think now though... if everyone is saying this maybe I am just becoming oblivious to it because I am having fun/have feelings for him. I just hope the past doesn’t repeat itself.

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I’ve never felt more alone in life than I do now. I feel so distant from everyone, my family, my friends, even my boyfriend. But in a way, I like it. I like being alone with my thoughts and I feel like my head is clearer. I feel alone but I feel content with it. I think I like the feeling of not needing anyone. I told myself that I wouldn’t prioritise my relationship over work or friends after my relationship with R. I won’t rely on someone so much again, and if it means I hit a few hurdles alone, then so be it.

I think right now, I’m slipping back into that phase where everything revolves around them. Since seeing C, I’ve not had time to do the things that I truly wanted to do and focus on. I’ve not met up with friends as much, I’ve not done aerial hoop or yoga, I’ve not really found myself yet. I guess it’s because most of my free time is occupied by him. It’s nice and comforting but I want to be able to socialise more with friends or just be by myself. It makes me feel like I’m not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was. It’s always been a small doubt in my mind from the beginning and I know I said I would try and see how it would turn out, but the thought still lingers there. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been mostly great, but every hiccup makes me retreat further into that thought, little by little. I start questioning whether I really am capable of putting my everything into a relationship, whether I’m strong enough to overcome any problems we might have. I don’t want to be unfair to him and he definitely deserves someone who puts in more time and effort to understand him and compromise. I’m not sure if I’m the right person to give him that, or more so if I’m ready or capable of giving him that right now.

I think I’m giving myself a headache thinking about it again. I guess all I can do is try and strive for the relationship to work. It seems strange to me though, if you really like/love someone, would you need to work for it? It should come to you naturally and it wouldn’t feel antagonising. God, I miss the feeling of loving someone. I miss saying it out loud, confident and unwaivering. I miss finding myself in them and them in me. I miss the feeling of my heart feeling so full. I miss it so much. 

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My fondness for him is growing, I feel it in every look, every embrace and every act of genuine kindness. My shortcomings have no bearing on his affection for me. I guess this is both a good and bad thing. Whilst it’s comforting to know that he does not care for my weaknesses, his willingness to accept them so easily doesn’t sit well in my head. I refuse that someone could so easily cherish me when I struggle to accept myself. I often question whether I deserve this affection, oftentimes I pity myself over my downfalls; I think “who could ever love me?”. I’m messy, I’m selfish and I have no regard for those who don’t resonate with me. I’m a bit of a heartbreaker and act carelessly. These thoughts circulate in my head whilst he holds me, whilst he compliments me, whilst he tells me he’s so lucky. Is he lucky? Does he only think he’s lucky because I’ve created a version of myself that, to him, is perfect? I’ve realised this now, I tend to mould myself to fit the image of their ideal person. I tailor myself to them. That’s not to say that I’m faking my personality, I’m very much myself, I just draw attention to our similarities and interests. Maybe I just try to relate to a lot of people, is this why many people find me attractive? Who knows, I can’t say for sure. All I know is, I’m starting to settle in his heart and he’s starting to settle in mine, and the longer we share our time together, the more comfortable I feel with myself; with my shortcomings; and most importantly, with our future together.

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Recently, one of my friends summoned the courage to confess his love and fondness for me through dinner and a show of gifts. I’ve always been aware that I attract a lot of attention, usually this is by way of a DM through instagram or friends trying to get to know me better. Their intentions of what they want from me always seem clear, and I keep it in the foreground of all our conversations. It hinges on every conversation and every compliment and their affections do not phase me if I do not feel the same. However, I stand there reading his message to me and the meaning of his words and each individual gift touched me. I started crying because I was so overwhelmed with his emotion; the emotion I felt through his messages and the burden that I had in responding to them. I had never experienced this situation before where the guy, who I had no romantic interest in, had gone to such lengths to showcase his admiration for me. His hopeless love was desperate for me. He clung onto whatever chance there was to be with me, I could feel it in his hug and his words. He was hurting, and all I could do at that time was let him hurt. We sat there reading poetry from one of the books he had gotten me. When he read out poetry of unrequited love and pain, he would pause when he finished reading. It felt like my presence was exacerbating his already great suffering. His display of affection had me reminiscing about how my ex and I were romanticists ourselves. Head over heels in love and encompassing each other in our lives with every fibre of our being. I listen to the songs now that remind me of those moments, it’s the only thing left of our memories. They’re slowly fading, but the songs bring back feelings of hurt and sacrifice. No memories now, just feeling. Sometimes I just listen to them randomly just to convince myself that I’m still capable of loving fiercly with passion. I don’t want to believe that I could never love again. Maybe my expectations of a loving relationship have now become too high, maybe unrealistic.

I still have drafts saved on this blog of the time where we were preparing to move in together and where I had vented out my frustrations and hurt. I depended on him to relieve my mental troubles and although we were both suffering, he managed to bring me back to sanity most times; always putting me first. We treated each other as equals, with respect and supported each other whilst battling the same demons. I spent a lot of time blaming him for leaving me for another woman, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised the time had to come. We had grown into two completely different people. We loved each other, but the chapters in our relationship were slowly inching towards an inevitable ending. I’m becoming more hopeful that I can find love, it’s just been a slow journey, and I’ve had to go through a few bad apples, but I’m not scared of being loved anymore. The task at hand now is to find someone I can love head on, fully, with unwaivering confidence.

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I’m feeling a bit awkward right now, like I don’t know what to do with my feelings. After professing my fondness for someone close to me, it’s dawned on me that maybe we’re not right for each other after all. Our approaches to a potential relationship are completely different. I see it as a risk and if, like me, you see a good chance that it will work out, you take the risk, life is too short. However, he has already fixated in his mind the risk of failure and heartbreak. He insists that he lets bygones be bygones but let’s my past weigh heavy in his mind. He lists my downfalls as a reason for not pursuing it. Although he’s never said explicitly, I guess he doesn’t like me. If you really liked someone and wanted to be with them, these differences will be overlooked and pushed to the side. No one is going to match you exactly, it’s called compromise. And if he isn’t willing to compromise and has already thought of this as a failure, then it will be. It seems he thinks it’s not worth pursuing; because he already thinks it won’t work and because he isn’t willing to compromise and take risk. He’s ruled by his emotions more than I thought he would be, I guess much like me. I don’t blame him for feeling this way, I’ve accepted it and I will try to move on. I’m not bitter because if we stay on this route as friends, I’ll at least know for sure I won’t lose him as a friend. The problem at large now is trying to push my romantic feelings for him aside, keep my distance a bit more and focus on things that make me better. There will be someone out there who will take me as I am, despite my past, despite my downfalls, despite the risk.

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Fast romance

I’ve been thinking a lot about other people’s perception of me, not necessarily bad things, but just their opinion of me and my actions. I usually don’t feel obliged to justify my actions, but when people get hurt, I definitely feel the need to. I think people pin me down as a strong-minded, friendly down-to-earth girl, maybe even a bit of a flirt. I’ve been lingering more onto this last point more than the others because I’ve realised that it’s not that I’m playing guys around by seeing a lot of different guys at once. It’s not that I’m trying to mislead them or hurt their feelings intentionally, I just want to get to know them organically to figure out whether they are right for me and, if not, whether we will remain as friends. And if nothing comes out of it, so be it, I will have still valued their company above anything, and I would hope that they feel the same. I think in most (sad) cases, many guys have gotten the wrong idea of my intentions and have gotten ahead of themselves; they take my actions and apply them to their own fanciful ideas. It’s sad and it encourages a lot of self-blame on both parts which isn’t healthy for anyone’s friendship. I’m just a woman in her almost mid-20′s who’s just trying to connect to more people, to build more friendships and to explore people’s lives and opinions on the world/life. And if it so happens that there’s a guy that resonates with me and we both understand each other’s emotions/wants/needs, then I’ll be putting in 110% effort to chase him. Life is too short to wait around for guys to ask you out or for guys to make the first moves. Sometimes if you wait too long, they won’t have the patience to hang around, I guess I’ve learned the hard way. But as it stands now, I’m being patient with the process. It was the case before that I would rush into something because I wanted to satisfy my short-term desires with something that I knew wouldn’t be long term. I was fixated on the “romantic” thrill of it all and was careless about the consequences it would bring. Every year, I’m having a stronger sense of what I’m looking for, what I’d settle for and what I won’t compromise for. I do feel upset sometimes because I miss being close to someone, so close that you feel one in the same, but I remind myself that in the long term, it’ll be worth everything to feel content and at ease.

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I’ve not been compliant with my anti-depressant medication for a while now, at least two months. At first I felt quite empowered, I was motivated at bettering myself and felt genuine happiness being with friends and family. But now, I’ve realised I can’t control my emotions, I feel depressed; every time I go back home I go straight to my room and don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t interact with my mum/sister anymore and if I do it’s out of necessity and it’s hostile. I’ve become more impatient and intolerant of my friends and their behaviours when they should be overlooked. I’ve indulged in doing things I know are wrong just to satisfy my own needs and wants without thinking about the consequences. At least before I had a conscience, now whenever I realise I’m doing something bad, I don’t care. I didn’t even realise all of this before until a colleague of mine pulled me to one side and asked if I was OK, because I was being very quiet at work. I was surprised that she could see through me and pick me apart. For so long, I was trying to hide my sadness when I was with friends and family, that I forgot to do it at work. I guess all of the upset and apathy leaked out at work, makes sense since it doesn’t have anywhere else to go. I really shouldn’t be deciding on my own terms whether I should take my medication or not, but my mind is in a bad place right now and I’m grateful I can see that. I know I want to help myself but I don’t want other people to help me, is that bad? I want to control my own emotions without relying on anyone else. I’ll start taking my medication again I think.

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some goals, dreams and wishes i have

learn korean / learn cantonese / get into graphic design / pursue photography more as a hobby / earn extra money by having a part time job / gym for at least twice a week / buy a flat or house / travel the world (bali, turkey, hk, korea, italy, america) / read more using my kindle / make more friends / learn how to drive / take pottery classes / take art classes / fall in love //.

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It’s one of those days. A long day at work and rubbish weather. I guess I also feel a bit down because of my love life (what’s new?), I’ve been trying to get closer to someone but when my girlfriend teased me about how fruitless my efforts were, it made me re-think. What am I doing here? There’s been no indication that he likes me, for all I know, everything he’s been doing has been as a really good friend and nothing more. I realise I’ve been kind of hyping myself up about the thought of us two together and that I just need to let it go. If you’re unsure if someone likes you, they probably don’t. Half of my mind is telling me to pursure it 100% and to give it my all, the other half is telling me to forget it and just carry on trying to meet new people. I’ve been dancing around the two halves constantly and I think maybe it’s time to give up on the idea that anything could happen between us two. Maybe it’s for the best that nothing happens, I’ll always have a soft spot for him but for now, I guess I’m putting the idea to rest.

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— via my Pinterest http://bit.ly/2lpUO8i

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It's amazing how music can resurrect memories you didnt know you had. I've been curating a playlist of disgustingly cheesy love songs, out of boredom mostly. But they seem to bring about memories of my first love and the intensity of our relationship. We loved with everything we had, no problem seemed too big for us and we would do anything to make each other happy and content. It really is true, you know when you feel true love, it comes with no judgement, with compromise and with understanding. I guess my string of unsuccessful relationships and flings contrasted with that and made me long for that kind of love again. It created an expectation in my head that no-one could fulfill and it frustrated me. I dont believe it raised the bar too high, I believe it made me realise what love was meant to be all about. It offered me a kind of clarity on what I wanted in life and although it didn’t work out, I still carry the fond memories with me in the hope I can create more.

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I haven’t often experienced unrequited love, and when I thought I did experience it, I couldn’t really class it as such because they often turned out to be infatuations. I’ve been fighting with my emotions recently, am I really in a position to have genuine feelings for someone? Or am I craving some kind of validation? After my recent break up, I realised that the I feelings I have for someone will probably never be acknowledged or returned. I’d often scratch my head over it, whether to let him know, or whether to keep it bottled inside to avoid ruining our friendship. I’d profusely refute anyone who would try and say we would be a good couple, in the process trying to convince myself the same. I’d actively try and find him suitable dates to throw him off my scent and to force myself to get over him. I’d set up tinder and talk to many guys to try and move on... but all this was proving futile. We had been closer recently and it made it hard to brush him off my shoulder like I did in the past. I don’t want to play games with other people, it’s unfair and I’m honestly quite tired of it. I want to throw myself into someone. I want to spend hours binge watching TV shows and eating what we like. I want to experience new things and have fun together. I was walking home from my part time work yesterday, it was raining hard and the streets were dotted with couples under umbrellas, it was as though the umbrella offered their own kind of privacy and intimacy. It pained me to see them and I realised that I had a long way to go to achieve any of that intimacy, if I was being true to myself. I’m done with rushing things that’s for sure, but until I meet someone worthy of my time, I’m slowly spiralling down a path of reckless lust fuelled by unresolved sexual desire and continue to long for someone who wants me for the long term.

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So, I haven’t been compliant with my anti-depressants for more than a week now, and the difference is definitely noticeable. I’m not sure whether the exacerbated effect is down to the withdrawal symptoms or not but the change in my mood and my thought processes are drastic, irrational and exhausting. The smallest problems are becoming my biggest concerns and over-thinking has tired my brain out. You’re probably shouting at your screen “then take your bloody meds!” but it’s quite hard once you stop taking them the first time, you end up in a vicious cycle of defiance, compliance, defiance, compliance and you become completely unstable. One of the most noticeable effects of anti-depressant withdrawal, apart from the obvious, is my increase in sex drive. Voila, I am capable of feeling sexual desire again! Although, to my disappointment, there is no man in my life right now that I can unleash myself onto, how sad. I guess I noticed this when one of the guys I’m interested in was sexting(?) me, I suddenly realised woah, I’m actually turned on, what is this feeling?! And all of a sudden, I’m thinking about sex all the time ;sweat;. But anyway, this kind of got me thinking about my own sexual behaviour. I liken myself to a guy sometimes when it comes to these matters, I’m not afraid of people knowing I’m sexually active. People will judge you for “sleeping around”, especially as an Asian woman, these judgemental attitudes seem to be heightened for me. I’m not saying it’s admirable to go around shouting on the rooftops how many guys you’ve slept with, but rather satisfying your own wants and need as it comes and modestly (well, as modest as you can be). If people want to know, so be it, I won’t be ashamed, but I also won’t go out of my way to sleep with anyone and everyone and let it be known. That aside, these feelings will be irrelevant once I start taking my medication again. A very interesting trade off indeed...

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My mother hears about my sudden low mood and comes into my room to comfort me, to reassure me that whatever happens she will always be by my side. She often tries to convey her love for us by bringing up stories of her own childhood, miserable ones. She has told this story more than once but she begins to tell it again. When she was 4 years old, my grandmother had left her in charge of looking after their livestock. My grandmother relied on selling livestock at the market and often told my mother to trek miles to sell for her. Being the oldest child, she obliged. One day, she had lost one of the pigs, and was scolded by my grandmother. She was hit and kicked out of the house without food to eat for a whole night. Imagine, a 4 year old roaming around at night starving because of careless behaviour that would only be expected from a toddler. As she tells this story, tears well up in her eyes from the pain and it makes my chest tight. Her memory of this night did not leave her and the hurt she felt from her own mother made a massive impact on how she chose to nurture her own children. She chose to fill our lives with love, laughter and silliness. She wanted to be our friends, to have lunch dates with us and to lay around in bed with us all. She works ridiculously hard to make sure we're living to our fullest and cherishes us more than anything and anyone. The life that she's led and the struggles that she's been through weighs heavy in her heart but even our mere presence seems to make her shine. And that's enough for me to keep on going.

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4am. Any of my close friends will say that I’m notorious for rushing into relationships and flings, and as I think about it, I realise it myself. It can be confusing because I’m not sure whether I’m rebounding onto the next guy I see or whether I’m just in need of attention to validate my own self worth. I feel like after a break up, I can’t trust my own feelings anymore. My brain is telling me to get over it and be independent, but my heart and body wants something to ease the ache and fill the void. Strangely enough, after every break up, I’ve managed to find someone who I’d never have expected to end up with... who knows, maybe it’ll be the same this time round...

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I haven’t been at home for a few days and it’s nice, it feels like I’m living in Manchester again. Sometimes living at home can feel lonely, all my friends are in Manchester and although I work there, I don’t have much time to fully relax with them at home or spend quality time together. I’m always thinking about the journey back, what I’m going to eat, if I’ll have time to prepare for work the next day. People told me commuting was hard, but I thought it was solely due to the journey into work and the general inconvenience of it. I didn’t think it would limit a lot of things in my life and I didn’t think my independence would start to fade. I’m starting to pack my bag full of necessities in case I was to stay over which is super helpful since I’m not the one to really stick to my plans. It’s been the case this weekend, I packed a bag thinking I would only stay for a night and ended up staying in Manchester for the whole bank holiday weekend. I’ve probably been more lazy this bank holiday weekend in Manchester than I would have been at home, binge watching Chernobyl and playing games... oh the joys of feeling exhausted