minervaamadon

[minervaamadon]

Am I getting a good grade in tumblr mutual?

[minervaamadon]

does anyone wanna hold hands until we feel a little braver

[minervaamadon]

conceptualizing a story about a school delinquent named Peachi-Keen who has to keep up a reputation as a Tough Guy while also trying to secretly grapple with the fact that he's a genius player at a game called "Cool Chess"

[minervaamadon]

Greil

[minervaamadon]

Vulnerability and Growth

Five months ago, I posted a comic about how I wanted to change. How I wanted to be braver, and interact with more people.

I failed. And I've put together tonight the reason why. (personal story and such under the cut)

Almost every time I tried to reach out to someone on here, I failed, retreated into my shell. People that seemed cool, seemed nice, seemed inviting- I told myself that what I was going to say wasn't going to contribute.

As Therian HRT blew up, I was awestruck by the art shown on display. So many different stories that tread different grounds, different artstyles that evoked their arts.

And I had a pencil, paper, and a phone camera. I felt like I had little to say, and that it wouldn't be worth the effort of "saying" so poorly. Of course, everyone's experience is unique, and meaningful, but would anyone hear? Was I vulnerable enough to say it? Was I vulnerable enough to say it badly? Would anyone hear it? Would anyone want to hear it?

And I've been ruminating for months. I know that to become good, you have to be bad. Perfection is the enemy of good.

But I've also realized, tonight, why exactly I struggle with art- why I struggle with many things- I so rarely trust myself.

I have the least faith in myself of anyone I know; I phrase almost everything as "I'll see what I can do", "I'll give it my best shot" when asked to do something, to the point where one of my first bosses called me out on it, and said to "just say you'll do it". But I couldn't comfortably do that- I didn't trust myself to follow through. I didn't think I could reliably succeed. There would always be a risk of factors out of my control, and so I could have failed the task, and failed the person I promised success to. What if the machine broke because someone left it set up wrong when they last used it? What if it turns out I'm not strong enough to keep holding it up? What if I'm not good enough?

Whether they were understanding, whether there was a reasonable reason or not, it didn't matter. I was so afraid of failure, of not having perfect control of a situation, that I would not commit to almost any task or fact that I could not personally without fail ensure the certainty of.

And this extended to information- if I knew it could change, I would answer with less than 100% confidence. If I were asked what color the sky was when sitting inside without windows, I'd say "Probably blue". Because maybe it's not. Maybe the weather outside is so stormy and cloudy that the lightest color is gray in the sky. Maybe the sun was setting at that point- I was never sure when the sunset was- and so it was more purple. I give the best answer I can with the info I have, but I do not do cash-back guarantees.

As I ramble here, I think "no one's really gonna want to hear this". As I debated where to put the "read more" earlier, I thought "well, I should put it early, so that I waste less people's time"; plan for the least reception. Which, if you're still reading, thank you- I'm getting to the point now.

The lack of trust in myself means that I rely on trust in everything else- verifying info with cross-checking, and testing when reasonable. And if I can't trust it, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Sometime within the last couple days I saw a post saying something along the lines of "if you're being mean to yourself to try and prevent people being mean to you, you still have someone being mean to you all the time."

And I saw myself in it. Saw every interaction I stopped before it started by intimidating myself away from the other person, and from public perception. Remembered that you have to be vulnerable to grow, that interactions happen from having a connection with someone or something. By preparing for the worst- a bad judgment by the outside world I trusted more than myself- I prevented the best- growing. A lobster has to molt and leave the protection of its carapace or suffocate.

Will this post, this grand sweeping gesture, ensure that I succeed? No. I've made plenty of first steps and stops.

But I can't start again without another first step.

And if this post doesn't help me, then maybe my experience will matter to someone else. That they might see themselves in me and decide to start moving.

[minervaamadon]

"Ahhhh this must be the one who's been skipping school due to the horrible shock of losing his father to the mysterious explosion of a space station!" -some kid

This one quote from Megaman Star Force has a chokehold on me, idk what it is about it. I can't stop replaying it.

[minervaamadon]

does someone want to save me

[minervaamadon]

I know you all like Magic and so saw this and thought of you three

@virtualgirladvance @goqmir @devilcat3d

I wonder if they would make one for MtG cards

i want to go im mad ancrying

[minervaamadon]

I've become too hungry to keep wearing my pants. Unfortunately, the solution to this is to eat my pants.

A lot of tabletop RPGs in the OSR sphere have become infatuated with the idea of a slot-based inventory which doubles as an injury tracker, such that each wound literally occupies some number of inventory slots based on its severity, potentially forcing you to abandon loot and even equipment if you get hurt badly enough, and I'm thinking: why stop there? Use the same slot-based inventory for everything. Skills. Relationships. Emotional burdens. Get punched so hard you forget how to cast fireball. An orc calls you a nasty name and it bothers you so much, you have to unequip your sense of humour until you recover.

[minervaamadon]

What to do if you suddenly find yourself homeless

FOOD

Find your nearest food bank or mission, for food

grocery stores with free samples, bakeries + stores with day-old bread

different fast food outlets have cheaper food and will generally let you hang out for a while.

some dollar stores carry food like cans of beans or fruit

SHELTER

Sleeping at beaches during the day is a good way to avoid suspicion and harassment

sleep with your bag strapped to you, so someone can’t steal it

Some churches offer short term residence

Find your nearest homeless shelter

Look for places that are open to the public

A large dumpster near a wall can often be moved so that flipping up the lids creates an angled shelter to stay dry

HYGIENE

A membership to the YMCA is usually only 10$, which has a shower, and sometimes laundry machines and lockers.

Public libraries have bathrooms you can use

Dollar stores carry low-end soaps and deodorant etc.

Wet wipes are all purpose and a life saver

Local beaches, go for a quick swim

Some truck stops have showers you can pay for

Staying clean is the best way to prevent disease, and potentially get a job to get back on your feet

Pack 7 pairs of socks/undies, 2 outfits, and one hooded rain jacket

OTHER

first aid kit

 sunscreen

 a travel alarm clock or watch

 mylar emergency blanket

 a backpack is a must

 downgrade your cellphone to a pay as you go with top-up cards

 sleeping bag

 travel kit of toothbrush, hair brush/comb, mirror

 swiss army knife

 can opener

[minervaamadon]

go get your DQVC exclusive Dragon Quest IX birthday cakes and party poppers. it is that day

[minervaamadon]

Plurality

[minervaamadon]

The person I reblogged this from deserves to be happy.

[minervaamadon]

Oh shoot

Did this just come out in 2023 or is it a reprint?

(I know how to play Magic but have not dedicated a lot of time or knowledge getting past a basic level)

Most hated mtg card and why

mgmmmmm...,,, this effect is really the classic of fucking me over LOL im the all-time Big Board Builder and this card is my hell

i always see the blue deck and i smugly adjust my glasses and say nyeheheh this fucking fool cant do anything to me once my cards are already in play !!!! attack !!!! and then i eat shit and lose

[minervaamadon]

Finally drawing someone else from SPM that isn’t mr L

Lmao

[minervaamadon]

Going to be a bit of a long text dump, so I'm going to put it below a "read more". I haven't really posted to Tumblr much myself and so I don't know if that's in line with the culture, but it seems polite.

You always hear the phrase "a picture is worth a thousand words". But I never put in the work to learn to draw. I much preferred writing for communicating via shapes, and with my handwriting, it was really better for everyone if I could just type, anyways. I know how to shape words to get my message across. But even stick figures were pushing my artistic limits, and so I gravitated towards the medium I was more comfortable with.

But I've always admired artists. Jealousy, honestly, but also in awe of what others can create with a brush stroke and their mind, while my current pfp is a mashup of recolored GBA Fire Emblem sprites.

I've recently started reading a comic artist, @welldrawnfish, who inspired me to try to learn again. Her voice spoke to me in a way other transfem comics I've seen, while amazing, didn't hit in the same way- as a system. I felt seen, and I decided (with a little encouragement) to write comics myself so that maybe someone can read what I've written and find something they resonate with.

This might fizzle out after a few comics, if we even get that far. I've accepted that. I'm tired of holding back from doing things because I'm afraid of failure.

Going to throw all of these I remember to under #amadon comics

Thank you for reading. :)

[minervaamadon]

fun fact: Luck also improves hit rate!

You're absolutely right! But only at a 1 luck = 1 hit ratio instead of 1 skill = 2 hit rate. Even hitting luck every level guaranteed and then some, you would never stop feeling that dark magic accuracy pain.