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[minidots]

OFF THE TABLE.

is love completеly off the table?  kwon haeun and shin jiyong @tearingdiamonds​

in general, love was difficult for a person like haeun to grasp. it was something close enough for her to see but never close enough for her to feel for herself. parents who could care less for their daughter and instead indulged in their love for each other. it was admirable to a point, but the lack of room for their offspring and the absence of nurture left a lot of voids in the girl’s heart. she spent her whole life chasing the desire to be loved by someone at all costs. this led to her first serious relationship. the want for experience outweighed her logic as the dynamics quickly shifted. haeun developed a complete dependency on her partner, bending at will to anything she was asked of, even if it wasn’t something she particularly liked. it was toxic. they called all the shots while haeun was wholly docile and submissive to them. through this partnership, she found herself falling down the same path as her parents, trying drugs at their demand request to keep them happy. this pattern continued for two years before they went too far, and haeun ended up in the hospital from an overdose. waking up abandoned in a hospital room was the final straw that strained her view of love. 

the small smile she wears on her face is inviting, causing many to approach. however, she always had a guard up with everyone. she entered flings that didn’t last longer than two months for a reason. haeun was scared. scared of being vulnerable, terrified of being abandoned, and deadly afraid to find out what it meant to love and be loved.

SHIN JIYONG was a peculiar individual in haeun’s eyes. the owner of the nightclub she frequented these days. she initially found his constant attempts to converse with her weird. still, she figured that was just his personality/duty as the owner. granted, they did live near each other, but they became closer to each other as she danced there occasionally. haeun didn’t know much about the man beyond the surface, and she knew that was intentional. there wasn’t much one could get by someone who “analyzed people” for a living. he was also an attractive man, but that was an observation that haeun kept to herself. occasionally jiyong was a little annoying, jokingly hitting on haeun at times, but haeun never took it to heart. eventually with time, there was a slight shift between them. his jokes went from annoying her to making her flustered. her comebacks didn’t have the same bite they used to have, but they were still blatant rejections. yes, she did see him in a different light. still, she’d never admit that when jiyong was him. she had no problem entertaining the idea of something more. from the rumors floating around the club, she knew he was competent enough to satisfy her. however, haeun was sure he didn’t view her in that light, nor did she want to risk losing his friendship over it. 

all things came to a head with the passing of her auramate. she longed for long-lasting love to, and having it ripped from her before she could truly experience it for herself was unfair. as a result, she isolated herself from everyone, including jiyong, and focused on her job. but that only worked for so long. she felt numb and wanted to feel something. haeun tried changing her wardrobe, how she did her makeup, and even dyed her hair blonde for the first time. she was spiraling so fast with no one to keep her afloat, but this wasn’t the first time this has happened to her. well trained enough to fool just about anyone that everything was perfectly fine. behind the scenes, haeun was a wreck.

fast forward a few weeks, some unwise decisions landed her back in jiyong’s nightclub to perform where she made a few more poor choices. there everything came to a head. honest feelings were laid out on the table, albeit one of the participants weren’t fully sober.

"if i had told you back then...then what? you'd leave your auramate for me? that's just impossible because that's not something you would do."

"you don't know what i would do! you clearly don't know much about me either because it wouldn't have been the first time i put my auramate on a back-burner for someone else jiyong. and it's you, why wouldn't I have?" 

haeun had gotten so worked up about their discussion that she let her emotions get out of control. 

"know what, i'm not going to argue with you about what could've happened because i feel like it's very clear what both of our stances are about this. have a good night jiyong. we'll talk about this when we both have had time to think."

“but you told me that you hoped your auramate would show up so that your life could change for the better! what was i supposed to do back then? whatever i had was only a one sided, non mutual feelings for you! was i supposed to say one fine day, noona, i touched your hand, and i saw saturated colours? was i supposed to tell you that just so that i could have you for myself? then what would happen when your auramate showed up? if we had dated back then and your auramate appeared suddenly one day while we were dating, was i supposed to put you in the situation where you'd either break my heart or break theirs?" 

it was ironic, as she helped others for a living yet couldn’t help herself. maybe haeun was the problem, as there was a trend with her leaving destruction in her path. it was evident in the way that jiyong was also getting worked up about this. the tears threatening to spill from his eyes in frustration. maybe she should’ve just end it there, but her inebriated state was none the wiser. 

"you wanted to find your real auramate so much, i couldn't do that to you. not especially when i wasn't your real auramate. i couldn't just...do that to you. it isn't right.”

“and then your auramate appeared, and you were so happy i just couldn't take that from you. but i still did in the end. did you know how many times i had wished that it was me you had by your side? i wished so had one day that perhaps i could be the one you were destined to be with forever, and look where we are now. you lost your auramate, and there's nothing i can do to fix that for you."

"i care for you! i care so much for you that i refused to tell you something that could potentially ruin your life completely! there's been no precedent of three way bonds working--the non mutuals, would always be on the sidelines of the equation, and instead its the original auramate couple that has problems in the end! i cared for you as a close friend, and then i cared for you as someone that fell deeply for you--everything i did was to fulfill your biggest wish, and that was to lead a happy life and a new life with your auramate. plus, noona--"

“you didn't love me anyway."

“jiyong i was tired of being with people who were just attracted to me for my looks. no matter how many times i tried to convince myself otherwise, no one truly meant it when they said they loved me. they only loved the idea of me. with you, i would've known you were being genuine, and I wouldn't have put you through all of that! but you still made the choice for me jiyong. you broke your own heart just so i can be happy, but what are you going to do now that i'm not happy? what are you going to do now that I no longer have them and feel like i have no one else?

"i didn't think anyone other than them would want me for me. we could've tried to make it work. and you never know jiyong. maybe my auramate and i would've been better off as friends. your aura changed, so there should at least me something that worked for us. jiyong, please don't blame yourself for that. it's not your fault things turned out the way they did."

haeun was selfish–she knew that way before she met jiyong. even in her guarded ways, she found herself in places similar to this one. asking so much out of jiyong when he was already in a difficult position. she didn’t have a right to be upset with him for keeping it to himself because like he said, what could he have done when she always openly talked about wanting to find her auramate in order to solve her life problems. however, his last sentence always echoed in her mind in the following days after. the thought of loving someone scared her, but what she felt for jiyong was more than the platonic admiration she held for most of her friends. it was even harder for her when she realized that she could actually picture herself being with jiyong on an intimate level. subjects like that normally caused her to run but with him, she only fell deeper into the trap. 

“i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for everything. you didn't deserve to go through this. maybe things would've been better if you never met me, but there's nothing we can do about it now. and maybe i didn't love you then, but i knew i can find it in me to grow to love you.”

"jiyong, i think it'd be better if i leave."

"it's fine. you don't have to leave."

"i just need a little time. i can't...do this when you're still mourning for your auramate. but i'll be here, if you still want me and need me." 

"you're right about me breaking my own heart, and for that, i'm sorry."

"it'll be better if i do. i'll give you space even if you're not asking for it. i promise that i'll come to you if i ever need you before i think we're ready to talk again. and it's okay, just stay safe jiyong."

it’s been weeks since the incident and haeun has been avoiding every place she knows she might run into the other at. she was embarrassed with the way she acted and heartbroken that she couldn’t have either of the people she wanted. she even started agreeing to dates and attending them for distractions. unfortunately she had ran into the man occupying her thoughts while on one of those random dates, and that only made her more ashamed that he saw that. later that night, she typed and erased several different apologies to jiyong. she was serious about her confession and didn’t want him to misunderstand. in the end, she didn’t press send as it was assumed jiyong had already made up his mind by then.

fast forward to present day: it’s the first time haeun has stepped foot inside of his nightclub in over a month. it’s eerie the way the atmosphere comforts her like she’s meant to be there. she’s there earlier than normal operating hours, but she knew he was somewhere in the building. the dancer found herself worrying over how jiyong would react to her appearance. normally she would tell him when she was coming, but due to the circumstances she didn’t. haeun spotted the familiar figure before he saw her, and her heart felt as if it skipped a beat. just why didn’t she say something earlier?

“jiyong-ah.” she called out weakly. it was difficult to say exactly what they were at this point. they were obviously friends before this, but friends wouldn’t avoid each other for this long. it was haeun’s fault, spilling all of that to jiyong so soon. looking at the situation from jiyong’s point of view, she placed him in a difficult spot. he had no idea about her feelings have felt prior to everything, and that was haeun’s fault. she cleared her voice again. “jiyong. do you have time to talk? i’m ready to finally talk about everything.” her usual confident demeanor is gone and what is left is a shell of a person. haeun refuses to meet his eyes as she is ashamed of what she has done. the distance between them is bountiful, which is jarring in comparison to how close they normally were. it was just another reminder of the rift between them.

“i have a lot to apologize for, and maybe we can set some things straight at the same time? i don’t know i just-” the woman ran a hand through her hair, frustrated with the way words were struggling to come to mind. “i really fucked up jiyong. really bad. you’re the only person in my life that i never wanted to lose and i’m doing that. i don’t want to lose you jiyong.” she finally looks up at jiyong, making eye contact. “i care so much about you and no matter how much i tell myself not to, my feelings for you continued to grow. it’s okay if you longer feel the same towards me, i only want to let you know how i truly feel the right time this time.” 

haeun could continue on for days about how she felt for the other, but she wouldn’t until the other clarified he had the time. jiyong was a busy man, and she stopped by unexpectedly. her heart raced as she anxiously awaited a response. at this point, she doesn’t mind being dismissed since it was well deserved. although she wanted all of him, haeun would be satisfied with just hearing his voice again. he had been missing from her life the past few weeks and she felt it terribly. maybe they’ll find a way to work through it all? who knows, she just had to wait and see.

[minidots]

— pmy headcanon 001:  ko park miyeon

summary: For as long as Miyeon has known Sia, it was reasonable to feel as strongly as she did about the other. If Miyeon counts the time before they first talked to each other properly, then Sia is Miyeon’s longest friend. word count: 884 trigger warning: n/a (if i missed a trigger please tell me i’m like ¼ awake right now) mentions: @tearingdiamonds and her brothers a/n: if you read this…. yeah don’t… have this photo of sia and miyeon as an apology

Soulmates aren’t always lovers.

Ko Jueun, Artemisia, or whatever you want to call her. Miyeon just finds it more convenient to call her Sia or short blonde pint. Only under certain extreme circumstances will she call her Jueun.

The only person who knew Miyeon ( well, knew of ) before she became a trainee for Gold Star Media. Miyeon feels like they were destined to meet and become friends. They have a bond that will not break no matter what. Miyeon already tried multiple times to push her away, but Sia sees through Miyeon each time.

although they weren’t as close back then, they knew of each other back when Miyeon was still under her old company. With the both of them having the habit of wandering late at night, they sometimes ended up in the same place. it happened often enough that Miyeon looked forward to her late night adventures, as there was a possibility of seeing the other. Although Miyeon never says it, Sia was a big part of why she kept fighting through her last few months under the terrible company. Late at night when she couldn’t do anything but cry, she thought about the fact that there was someone out there other than her mother that knew of her existence and  that she wasn’t completely alone.

As Miyeon was shy due to the treatment of her old peers had left her scared to approach anyone new, They never really talked to each other back then. Instead, they were just in each other’s company until they parted ways, meeting up another day. Sia had stayed by her side each time, and Miyeon became accustomed to the older’s presence.

Miyeon returned to Busan, leaving without getting to know who the other person she spent most of her nights with. Sia was on her mind a lot as there was someone out there who unknowingly saved her each time she decided to stay by Miyeon’s side for that night.

After a couple of months, Miyeon was back in Seoul under Gold Star. Miyeon recognized Sia the instant they were in the same room. While Sia didn’t change much in how she looked, Miyeon could tell based on how Sia carried herself and the aura around her. She made sure to get to know Sia this time. At first, Miyeon didn’t think they would be close since their personalities appeared to be the complete opposite of each other. Miyeon had attempted to do a personality makeover to be more appealing to others, but soon enough she fell back into the most natural version of herself around Sia. No matter what puzzle piece Miyeon tried to become, it’ll always fit with Sia perfectly.

Throughout the years, the other had seen every side of Miyeon. Sia knows Miyeon extremely well like a book she’s read multiple times much to the younger’s displeasure. She’s able to find Miyeon whenever she decides to run from home in the middle of the night, or even get Miyeon to talk when it’s the last thing she wants to do. In exchange, Miyeon knows Sia inside and out as well. While Miyeon normally causes the most trouble out of the two, there is close to nothing that Miyeon doesn’t know about the other.

If Miyeon knew she was going to acquire two brothers by becoming friends with Sia, maybe she would’ve made the effort to talk to her sooner. the first time she meets Sia’s brothers, she was immediately taken in by the two older males and became their second sister. Miyeon is extremely close to them, almost as close as she is to Sia. Whenever she needs to talk about something she doesn’t want to burden all of her friends with, she calls up one of them and shares everything to her heart’s content.

It likely doesn’t help that her brothers also became close to her mother. Now they’re almost on her mother’s level. (reasonable enough because Miyeon still suspects that they are lying about their age and are actually older than her mom) they are the brothers she never had, so she cherishes them with a love she reserves for those she considers her family.

Speaking of that, their families basically became one. Miyeon’s mom was more than happen to take in the Ko siblings as her own as fast as Miyeon became apart of the Ko’s family. Sia and her brothers are her home away from home, and she often retreats to the brothers’ house whenever Busan was a trip she couldn’t make. While Sia takes advantage of that connection to obtain Miyeon’s sacred baby pictures, Miyeon wouldn’t have it any other way.

my personal favorites moments idk i might add more later

Miyeon comments on Sia’s post 24/7 on a stan account. Yes Sia knows the @, that’s why Miyeon goes wild with her comments and occasionally gets into “fan wars” in the other’s comments.

Sia pounding on Miyeon’s door for nearly hours on end telling Miyeon to open the door, forgetting that Miyeon gave her a key.

Miyeon being put in a sibling group chat with the Ko siblings. Miyeon rarely responds in it but she actively reads the messages whenever they come in. When she does respond, it normally causes an influx of messages regarding her language or how she should treat them better. Miyeon just blames Sia as an influence.

[minidots]

 — pmy solo 002: july schedule

summary: miyeon’s group isn’t the only one preparing a comeback, the old miyeon from 2016 and prior is trying to make a comeback as well. word count: ?? trigger warning: n/a mentions: @tearingdiamonds​ and everyone in her group

it starts at the outfit fittings for the music video and performances. it was a small feeling of annoyance at the fact she had to be there. she passed it off as her desire to be home instead of getting fitted for the clothes they planned her to wear. it wouldn’t have been the first time anyway. she doesn’t speak much besides when she’s spoken to, as miyeon wanted it to be over quickly. she holds a small conversation with the stylists, agreeing that she looks a little bloated and it would be best if she altered her diet to provide the best version of herself on camera. she probably spent more time nodding along to others’ conversation than she spent engaging in one of her own. as soon as she was allowed to leave, she thanked everyone and booked it out of there, seeking her home’s comfort.

nine days later and it’s no different. this time she feels it growing. the cameras are annoying, and she’d rather be anywhere but here. all she had to do was pose and appear how they wanted, but miyeon wasn’t having it. every little thing was getting on her nerves. the constant flashes from the cameras, the constant directions given to her, and even the slightest glance in her direction. the dancer doesn’t want to feel like a tourist attraction, but she does. this time, she didn’t brush it off, as the anger that was building up caught her attention. she’s ready to explode when she casts a glance at her leader and deflates. she didn’t want to cause another problem for her leader after the attitude scandal miyeon had in the beginning of their careers. so she deals with it. miyeon puts away her frustration, saving it for when she’s home. she knows that she’s heading towards a dangerous area, but she’ll put it off as long as possible until she actually explodes.

ten days later and she feels even worse. the filming for the music video was the confirmation she needed. it was so hard for her to have a hint of a smile while she was dancing. every time she caught a camera pointed in her direction she tried her best to act like how she normally would. she looked over at her members, feeling more isolated from them than she’s ever been. it was out of character for miyeon to say nothing in the passing time and to distance herself from everyone. hyemi probably care less about what she was going through. as long as it didn’t interfere with their activities, then there was no need for them to talk. eunjoo was most likely the one who caught onto the change in miyeon’s mood. after all, she was the one who took attention off her when she was like this in the past. jiyeon probably also caught on to the fact that something was wrong, but miyeon never knew how much they knew about her. the years blended into each other, and she could barely remember just how much she had told them. either way, she wouldn’t do anything to damage fuse’s reputation again, so she hoped they didn’t ask about it. she wasn’t ready to talk with anyone. once again hiding behind a fake smile she’s learned to perfect, she continues filming with ease. her individual scenes didn’t require much emotion, so it went by faster than she anticipated.  

it’s finished, but the pain only increases. miyeon no longer has an excuse to feel like this. she knows the reason why and what it means for the upcoming days. she wants to call for help.

she sends a short text to the people she hoped would understand that she needed help. she had no doubt they would understand what she’s implicating. they were people who saw miyeon at her worst and experienced it firsthand. artemisia was her closest friends, so they would’ve noticed sooner or later. she felt extremely sorry for eunjoo to have to deal with her once again, but at least a warning was better than nothing. she was going to include alyssia, but she wouldn’t know just how bad it was, and she couldn’t bear to drag more people into this.

feeling great. i’m going to relive 2016. sorry in advance❤️

it’s her last cry of hope for someone to save her from herself before it’s too late.

[minidots]

 — pmy solo 001: what is happiness?

summary: miyeon writes a letter and decides to accept that it’s okay to not be perfect. word count: 738 trigger warning: mentions of bulimia and depression

July 26

They say happiness is the state of being happy, but what is it to me? Is it the feeling I get when Fuse wins awards? Or is it the feeling I get when my family and friends are around me? How do I know if it’s genuine or faked like usual? It’s assumed that just because I wear a smile, it means I’m happy. A smile isn’t always a sign of being happy for me, as it’s sometimes a mask to cover up all of the pain I carry with me. Almost everyone is deceived by it, or maybe they don’t care enough to point it out. I don’t know, either or seems plausible. I don’t really care enough to think about it and find out which one it is. Instead, I’ll say what happiness is for me. It is a fleeting feeling of contentment with my life that comes in the form of pills. For a second, it makes me feel normal. It makes me feel like an ordinary person with a regular life.  I chase that feeling in hopes of being able to capture and keep it, but it leaves every time. I want to know what happiness is. I want to experience it for longer than just a couple of seconds. It makes me wonder how I can make so many people happy except for myself? I figure it’s because they don’t know me as I know myself. They only know the composed version of myself that loves being on stage. I wish I can see myself from that perspective, to understand how innocent I may look. How fortunate they are to see me like that because that is a view I will no longer be able to see.

I cannot complain about loneliness when I don’t deserve to have friends in the first place. There are many things wrong with me that it’s foolish to burden someone else with figuring how to deal with me. A burden or a high maintenance friend, I’ve been told both. And they are right once I start thinking about it. I’m way too emotional, quickly switching between being okay and being irritated, mad, or even upset. When a problem occurs, I run without explanation and don’t hear the other out. I close off people who try to be there for me and get upset when they give up. I’m a frustrating person to deal with behind the scenes. I cannot blame them for giving up on me and wanting nothing to do with me anymore. I wouldn’t like me either. Who am I kidding? I don’t like me. Who’d care for someone who spends their nights bent over a toilet forcing themselves to puke whatever they had for dinner? I eat and eat and then feel so disgusting afterward like I’ll never be pretty if I gained weight. It especially gets worse whenever I’m preparing for a comeback, which I currently am. I feel so pressured to look a certain way that I can’t even look at myself without pointing out something that needs to change. This is who I am, but I do not feel like myself again. Maybe I am not myself, falling under the pressure of what I should be. I’ve been counting the days as they pass, meaning that the date of the comeback is getting closer. It’s not even under a month, so I’m not at the peak of the cycle yet. We recently recorded the music video, and I’ve already been clouded by an uneasy feeling that continues to grow. An undying urge to escape, I guess? I wish I could run away, leave everything behind in this life that gives me bad feelings. I want to live one the way I should be. Who cares about Miyeon of Fuse? That version of me is a fraud, and every single day living like that is more exhausting. I want to live as the Miyeon that can’t help but be sad. I want to live in my personal hell again. Hiding the past isn’t going to make me get over it, so from this day one, I’ll start embracing that side of me. I’ll do whatever it takes to find whatever genuinely makes me happy through all of the misery. It’s okay that I have depression. I can still find happiness, maybe—my own prescription to heal me from this cursed life.

[minidots]

 — pmy playlist 001: relaxation

Relaxing was never an option when Miyeon desperately wanted to portray herself to be perfect. With music being a major part of her life, her appreciation for it was forever increasing. In her free time, she listens to whatever fits the mood she is in, fully immersing herself in each song as a getaway from her life. Serenity may be a foreign concept to her, but the following songs help her paint a picture of what it is.

track one. Satellite ( Ha:tfelt ft. Ash Island ) track two. Sweet Sensation ( Ha:tfelt ft. SOLE ) track three. Looking For Love ( Baek A Yeon ) track four. Hello Tutorial ( Zion.T ft. Seulgi of Red Velvet ) track five. Digital Lover ( Crush ) track six. Alone ( Miso ) track seven. Like You ( Hoody ) track eight. One of These Nights - Piano Version ( Red Velvet )

[minidots]

 — pmy moodboard 002: all mine.

Miyeon finally knows what part of herself she sees in Alyssia. However, all of the broken pieces only intensifies Miyeon’s feelings. Everything about @tearingdiamonds is beautiful to Miyeon.

“We have a past that we tried to hide, but it’s okay. Together, we’ll turn this nightmare back into a dream. Who cares what others might think? We have each other.”

It’s been roughly half a year since Miyeon first acknowledged her own feelings for Alyssia. Within those six months, there has been a lot of time for Miyeon to realize just how serious her feelings were.  A lot has happened in those six months. A drunk call, a rejection, Miyeon avoiding Alyssia twice, finally sorting things out and meeting like they used to. Too many promises were broken in the process.  She’s still afraid of what could come if she followed her heart, but for Alyssia, it’s worth it.

There’s little confusion with how she felt towards the other now, but that split second where Miyeon thought she lost her chance with Alyssia woke her up. She was finally confronting the issues she had made. The butterflies in her stomach has returned and replaced the guilty feeling she had whenever the older was around.

Alyssia is special. Everything Miyeon doesn’t see in herself, she sees in Alyssia. A beautiful soul that deserves to be loved. Someone eerily similar to her, yet still so different.

[minidots]

 — pmy moodboard 001: all about alyssia

Park Miyeon and her discovery of actually liking someone more than she normally would. Instead of pushing her away, Miyeon pulls @tearingdiamonds towards her.

“you intrigue me. i see myself in you, but i can’t tell what part of me it is.”

Miyeon never cared for relationships. In fact, the thought of getting married never crossed her mind. Seeing how well her mother did without a partner, there was no reason for Miyeon to want one for herself. She still had meaningless flings and quick relationships, but nothing was ever serious. Miyeon didn’t need more people in her life that was close to her, but one person changed her entire perspective. Miyeon didn’t know exactly when she started to feel differently about Alyssia, but at some point, Miyeon wanted more than just a friendship. The moments they already shared weren’t enough. The seconds Alyssia spent invading Miyeon’s space only drew the younger in more. Soon enough, she couldn’t go long without seeing Alyssia, wanting to see Alyssia’s smile and hear her laugh. Miyeon wanted to be the reason why Alyssia was happy. This wasn’t the usual small crush she got on another idol, it was something deeper than that. iI wasn’t something Miyeon could easily brush off and ignore, but instead, Miyeon wanted to pursue a relationship with the promise of forever for the first time.

[minidots]

𝒂𝒍𝒚𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒂 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒌​:

“i know. it’s not your fault.” her fingers brush against miyeon’s cheek, words soft and tender. “it’s theirs. monsters will always be monsters, but whether you were and are currently messed up, the one that i fell for would still be you–that’s here and now, messed up or not, even though i don’t think that you are.” she mumbled into the younger’s neck, her senseless need to be closer to the younger making her breach boundaries unconsciously without thinking. “you’re perfect to me. and i don’t care what happened to you before. it doesn’t make you any less, just like how you don’t think i’m any less because of what happened to me, don’t you?” a shaky smile flickers across aly’s lips, tender but mildly pained. “but i know you might just..think that you are–because that’s what plagues me every time i walk beside you, or lay beside you. quietly, just like this.” she murmured, each breath feather light, as though terrified that the younger would simple vanish from sight after she split all her troubles — their troubles, from her lips. 

“i think you’re amazing. so amazing that someone like me ought not to be next to you, but since we both think that way and think the world of each other, i guess there’s really only one way to just accept each other just as we are. and prove to each other that we’re beautiful, scars and past and all. it’ll be a long journey, i may regress more than others, but….i want you to know, that i will–i will still be here.” 

if there’s one thing about miyeon, is that she couldn’t keep her hands off of alyssia for long. she immediately placed her hands over the others and attempted to interlock them. there was something comforting making contact with alyssia, and it may have to do with the intimate connection they share with each other. “you’re not fucked up. deep down, you and i both know you’re not fucked up. you’ve just been faced with too many hardships that affected you. it’s the same with me.” “so, since you decided you’ll never leave, i think it’s time i completely let you in. it’s time for you to finally meet my mom and my dogs. maybe also meet my grandparents while we’re at it?” miyeon is hopeful for the future now that she is reassured that alyssia wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon. in her head, she was already making plans for the upcoming months whenever their schedules allowed them to meet.

her eyes began to water as she had finally talked about it again for the first time in years. miyeon had spent so long repressing the memories and pretending it never happened that acknowledging it now was just as painful as the first time.“i was so young, and they used my mother against me. i was so afraid that something bad would happen to my mother.” her grip on the other loosens as a few tears escape her eyes, and before she knows it, miyeon is crying. she was used to her partners leaving after hearing her past, which is why she was so determined to hide it from aly even if she went through something similar. “i’m always so afraid of what others would think of me if they knew. everyone used to leave me. everyone but you.” she looks at alyssia through tears. her smile is faint, but her gaze is full of compassion and love.

“i’m so thankful to have you. nobody outside of my mother has loved me so much and repeatedly forgave me every time i fucked up.” she wipes her own tears out of her face, but as she recalls the events in their relationship in the past year, it only caused her to start up again. she completely lets go of the other as she turns to face away from the older woman. she didn’t want the other to see her uncontrollably sob, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave the room entirely. “alyssia, i’m so sorry for how i’ve treated you in the past. you didn’t deserve me leaving you every single time i got scared. you deserve better, someone who can love you properly. i promise you that i’ll be that someone. i’ll work hard to communicate and come to you about everything. i won’t disappear anymore.”

[minidots]

tearingdiamonds​:

she could understand that miyeon loved her. in some way. 

but at the same time, there was still that deep pit of uncertainty that she wasn’t enough. 

which led to the exact reason why she had the second line of thought in mind. which was of miyeon saying that she was done. had enough. and could they finally break up.

not that they were dating anyway (were they? time had blended too much, and miyeon’s arms had felt too much like home for her to think about anything else for a long while). they were in her mind, but for all she knew, miyeon could have simply thought otherwise. 

guilt and apprehension gnawed at the pits of her stomach. but still, she listened. that was the least she could do, for miyeon, and for herself.

“i’m listening.” her voice was soft, fingers itching to reach over to give some form of assurance to the other girl, latch onto her side–or even wrap her arms around and quell her every worry. but that could come later. for now, what was important was for her to listen, and so listen she should. “but..first things first, are we still good?” her voice only grew smaller as her insecurity grew stronger.”we’re good, aren’t we? ” nervousness burst apart in her stomach like butterflies. the bad kind. her eyes flitted towards miyeon’s a little frantically, a silent but panicked question in them. you still want me, don’t you? 

“yeah, we’re okay.” and i hope we will be after this. while miyeon wanted to believe the other’s feelings wouldn’t change, there had been too many times people had turned their back on the younger. “aly, there’s no light way to put this, but i kind of have a lot of issues. ha, my therapist probably wouldn’t be too happy with me referring to it like that, but that’s what it is basically. and it’s the same thing that makes me afraid of giving you every part of me no matter how much i want to.” miyeon already knew that alyssia wasn’t like everyone else, but the fear of being rejected still plagued her thoughts. alyssia had her fair share of broken pieces as well, and that only made her more fond of the older woman. miyeon was hoping it’d be the same for her. 

“i want you to know that without a doubt, i’ll always have love for you no matter what. it doesn’t matter how i act because there’s no one else i’d rather be with.” the younger was suddenly bold enough to raise her hands and rest her palms on alyssia’s cheeks. “there’s no way someone else could steal my heart like you did. there’s nobody prettier, smarter, more talented, nor lovelier than you.” a brief kiss was planted on alyssia’s cheek before miyeon retracted herself completely from the other. “i want you to stay by my side for as long as possible. that’s why i’m sharing this with you.” 

her voice starts off soft, as if she was sharing a secret in a crowded room. “when i was younger- um.” miyeon stops. this was her last opportunity to back pedal and change the topic to something else. did alyssia really have to know one of the darkest moment of her life? yes, it was, and if saying it for what it was was too difficult, miyeon could just ease into instead. “okay, you don’t have to pity me because it was a while ago, but some not so pleasant things happened at my old company. the one i was with before the one i debuted with, and it really messed with me since i was so young at the time, you know?” while it was nothing too specific, there was hope that the other could pick up on the implications so that she didn’t have to go into the details.

[minidots]

@tearingdiamonds the long awaited talk between alyssia and miyeon at miyeon’s apartment.

life was full of uncertainties. being scared of being down on upon and outcasted was exhausting, and miyeon was at the end of the road. there’s only so much faking a person can do before their resolve breaks. her relationship with alyssia was only getting more serious, and there seemed to be no point in up keeping the picture perfect persona she had with everyone. the younger woman could count on one hand the amount of people who saw her in her rawest form, and if she wasn’t including family, she wouldn’t need any fingers.

miyeon’s imperfections already were beginning to show in the beginning of their relationship, as the thought that someone wanted her for who she was was absurd. several months later, alyssia was still there by her side despite all of the ups and downs they have gone through, and there was one more obstacle in the way before miyeon could fully believe that the actress wouldn’t leave. 

she’s sitting across from the other on her couch. the silence was heavy as miyeon was trying to find the right words to start off the conversation. there are a million ways this could go, and she’s hoping it goes a certain way. “alyssia, i think it’s time we sit down and talk. i have some things i need to confess. no bullshitting this time, just complete honesty from me.”

[minidots]

@tearingdiamonds​

paran apartments & one very confused jiyong

not many recognise jiyong outside of work. the escort had far too differing tastes in terms of clothing and what comfort wear meant that little people witnessed the difference he beheld beyond the doors of paran apartments. lithe fingers scratched the back of his neck, tickled by tangle strands of messy, dark hair.

“noona.” dark eyes flickered up towards as he shuffled familiarly towards the other figure illuminated in the sun, pressed against the doorway in a languid stance, a goofy but childish smile that flickers upon rarely upon his lips makes a naughty appearance as he shuffles forward, dressed in board shorts and a loose but flimsy little shirt.

fate played itself in funny little ways–jiyong thought, watching as one of the most regular performers in his nightclub glanced at him and rambled on, having bumped into her randomly in the corridors of the apartment complex one day.

“noona.” he tried to interject into the psychologist’s rambling, stifling a laugh from his lips as he tried to raise a hand and land it upon her arm, trying to get her to just slow down a little more. “noona, you’re talking too fast.” a huff upon his lips and the knit upon his brows told of his mildest confusion. “i only got the words balance and life from what you’ve been saying for the past five minutes.” he grinned widely, a forbidden cackle of a laugh falling from his lips as he glanced back up at haeun, toggling with his piercing on his ear.

“you didn’t hear anything i’ve been saying? well isn’t that just lovely.” haeun closed her eyes and let out one of the longest sighs she’s ever had in her life. the day had been one of the tougher ones. having bad sessions always took a big hit on haeun’s self esteem, as she built her whole future around being able to help others since she didn’t have that growing up. to put it simply, she felt extremely inadequate at her job at the moment and having jiyong tell her he didn’t understand her at all didn’t help. “it’s fine, it wasn’t that important anyway. sorry about that.”

she should just let it go, right? it would just be one of those days and she could just pick herself back up tomorrow. the first issue was working herself out of this encounter with jiyong. while haeun wouldn’t describe them to be the best of friends, he was one of the few people the psychologist could call a friend. it would be no use to rudely walk away at this point knowing jiyong. 

instead, she dives head first into a conversation with the taller man. “how has your day been? i hope you’ve been taking care of yourself.” a slight pause between her words in order for her to turn her thoughts into sentences. “hey, what have you been eating? if you haven’t had anything good for your health, i could make you something.” her nose scrunched at the thought of what concoctions jiyong had been feeding himself in the past few days. he didn’t look like someone who knew how to cook, and if there was something haeun was good at, it was cooking.