minihealy

[minihealy]

i love tumblr. i find ease in it since i can just shout in the void and no one would care. it reminds me of my olden days on the internet. twitter overstimulates me and instagram makes me just wanna jump off a cliff and i don't wanna use messenger bc i get so addicted to it

i've been thinking that i only use instagram if a.) i have smth to post so it gives me incentive to be present and take photos & document memories that my depressed brain can't, i only use twitter if... tbh idk when I would use twitter unless i got triggering thoughts. i see all my friends there and they seem to be doing alright so when my posts are about wanting to jump off a cliff it just makes me feel worse tbh lol. idk what would be my basis for using twitter when i can just rant here on tumblr instead in peace & no one would care. so maybe, i just won't use twitter anymore lol? i usually use it just to get news updates too but maybe i'll just get a news app for that or reddit exists lmao. so, ig bye bye twitter.

then for messenger, i was thinking I only use it if i get notifications from important ppl in my life. i think i've made my settings well enough that a chat head would only appear if i get a message and only then would i check things out.

it just feels easier to rant on tumblr since im not limited by any word limit lol it allows me to be more cohesive and coherent w my thoughts

[minihealy]

I will keep rehearsing and processing this memory until it becomes just another story I tell

[minihealy]

this is just my unhinged safe space so, in confidence i say, man - fuck you for acting as if ur better than me just bc I confessed to you. I literally just asked you if you wanted to go on a date and you're rejecting me & pointing out all my flaws as if im asking you to marry me. u barely know me, u have terrible preconceived notions of me - that's why we go on DATES - to know each other better. but i'm glad you explained the way that you did. it's a wake-up call for me that i don't want to date someone as presumptuous as you. i know you better now fr - better enough that you and i won't click.

[minihealy]

ey what's up to my one follower out there idk how u found me but welcome, im just ranting about my woes as a college student on an account that i made when i was 14 or smth bc i can't talking smack about one guy bc he's my private twitter follower. what a world we live in.

[minihealy]

[minihealy]

why is it so hard to talk w these people-

[minihealy]

im just angry

[minihealy]

i wanna just jump off a ledge so i don't have to feel anything

[minihealy]

sometimes i relish in my attractiveness bc it saves me from thinking about my other flaws

[minihealy]

I think this will be my last message on this.

After everything, I'm grateful you rejected me the way that you did. I saw how I looked through your eyes, and I think I know you better now because of it. Better enough to know that we really weren't compatible; I think we wanted and valued different things, saw each other in different lenses, and that's okay.

I could expound, but it might sound mean, though I don't mean it like that. To see you see me as someone like that, who wasn't genuine, to see you not give me the benefit of the doubt or find the good in me despite us knowing each other for a while - it was on me to have such a hope, and so a reflection of me as well. But I don't want to be with someone who sees me like that.

So, I'm glad things went down the way they did. I could say that after much reflection, the feeling of disinterest in regards to pursuing a relationship is becoming mutual.

Though, I hope that doesn't push the narrative that my feelings weren't genuine in any way. It's just when there's nothing else you can do, you just have to move on, I think. I think it's selfish to place hopes on someone who has expressed their disinterest. I think this is an example of our different values.

So, in regards to friendship, on my end, I'm okay tbh. You are my friend foremost. If you want anything otherwise, that's in your own right, and I respect that. For me, I'd probably just avoid hanging out with just you for a while, though, but if it becomes unavoidable, I'll be fine.

[minihealy]

why do i wait

[minihealy]

im just gonna go ahead n cry n vomit for a bit

[minihealy]

it was my fault to have wished that you believed in my good despite what you've seen of me

[minihealy]

is that really how you see me?

[minihealy]

you know times are rough when you go back to your old tumblr account to vent bc u acted like a dumbass on twitter. i hate myself and everything i stand for. i am flawed and i try to see the good in it but man, in these cases, i feel terrible. and i will allow myself to feel terrible tonight. is that rlly how bad u see me? man, man, i have no words. i just hate myself rn. maybe ill doomscroll on reddit. is that rlly how they see me? man, i'd reject myself too if i were them. i will feel trash, and i can feel like trash, but i will not let it show. this much i have control over. this much i can do.

[minihealy]

THE 1975 at THE O2, LONDON

part 2/3 (insp.)

[minihealy]

but then I would've never heard of The 1975

we all should’ve died in 2012