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[minikinmad]

angry email to woman who should go ahead and retire if she doesn’t want to work with graduate students

dearest [redacted],

i’m not surprised at your confusion about my situation. this isn’t the first time you, or anyone in the X department, have responded to my asking for help like i was a conniving, blind brat. i suppose it has something to do with me not constantly kissing your ass, even during the past 2 years, during which i’ve taken 0 classes [from your department] due to the previously mentioned health problems and issues with enrollment at [X] in general. but you know—i regret not being the perfect student. most days, i regret pursuing this degree at all, especially at [X]. i am sorry for failing to be one of those students you smile upon and brag about. god only knows i would rather be in your good graces. but, i am not, and i suppose i will survive.

as i said in my previous email, i will send you a proposal as soon as i can access the directions. you wondered if i did not attend the required information meeting for internships and practicum. believe it or not, i did—three years ago. between then and now, everything i heard at that meeting slipped through the cracks. and any papers i received have doubtlessly been mixed into the rest of the “school” box that has moved with me 4 times since the meeting. it is completely my fault for forgetting the material, but i’ll tell you what; my mental recall for everything from vocabulary words to important dates to my own memories over the past 5 years has been shot to hell thanks to a combination of depression and neurological drugs for chronic migraines. it is not something i’m proud of. but i’m working on it.

i suppose i should thank you for the chance to apply for this internship to count towards my degree. it took months to find a position, and i moved to a new state to work at this [place], but i get it: you can’t let just any old position at an accredited institution count towards a certificate program! especially when the applicant is an idiot. but instead of thanking you for that, i want to send my purest gratitude for showing me what kind of person i do not want to grow into. the staff in this department of [X] have shown me how to be mean, proud, how to think so highly of oneself that the concept doesn’t seem grounded in reality, and what to avoid in advisors and mentors. i have never experienced the kind of dream-crushing disappointments that were given so freely by you and your coworkers. and to be clear—i thank you for that. i no longer aspire to the career and connections that i used to, as you have shown me that my peers in that world would not be the kind of people i want to spend my life with.

so in closing, i hope you can handle this final hurdle in educating me. i truly do. i want to graduate and be done with this degree more than anything in my life. please, for the love of god, find it in yourself to let me inch by. and may you never encounter another flailing fool like me in your class rosters.

i’ll see you in hell,

madi

[minikinmad]

side effects may include

have you seen the movie ‘doubt’? i would add a hyperlink to the imdb page but i’m writing this on my phone and that is not allowed. anyways, it’s an american movie about a catholic diocese in new york city in the 60s or 70s, and meryl streep plays the head nun. and i don’t want to give anything away, but she has doubts.

all this to say i occasionally feel like this character. but i don’t get to be a nun or have oscars or even blame it all on catholic guilt. my crushing doubt, and the equally weighty guilt that if my doubt is for naught i’m damned to hell fo sho SLASH existential crisis of mid-twenty-yr-old woman with already draining mental issues is just… thankless. heavy. annoying. cold. and sad.

i recently told a non-cleric believer i had doubts. they basically told me they felt sorry for me; but, like, had i even tried to get rid of the doubts? why had i let my doubts exist? do i realise what kind of consequences i’m dealing with? they said this was maybe just another problem to go along with my meds, or it could have something to do with my being a people-pleaser. i could feel myself on the verge of a panic attack and told them i was sorry for saying anything or causing them pain, to which they replied, “I’m not hurt Madi. I know what I believe.” i don’t know why that stung but it did, to the core.

it’s probably the liberal arts degree, isn’t it? did that do it? making more gay friends? more casual prayers? trying to pronounce french words with a proper accent? is it the meds? or the tap water? is it because i avoid some people at church? telling coworkers i believe in God but also like buddhism? is it because i gained all this weight?

at any rate, i am sorry to God if i’m doing it wrong. i can only hope his standard of grace is generous when it comes to doubters like me.