minniganisms

[minniganisms]

Original art by @indigonite

[minniganisms]

My relationship with gender? Two renowned phantom thieves fighting it out over the right to steal a priceless artifact, but it becomes increasingly unclear whether or not it's thinly-veiled flirting. It's also intensely Homoerotic.

my relationship with gender? we're divorced

[minniganisms]

Y'know, one thing that gets my goat is the whole anti-endo discourse. Lemme explain.

I found out i'm part of a system seven gods-damned months ago, and i had a hell of a time coming to that conclusion.

For the record, i do have trauma, i've been working through it in weekly therapy sessions for two goddamn years before i got the all clear to go to semi-weekly. Also, i have had what i now recognize as alters since i was SIX YEARS OLD.

i knew nothing about this.

i had no idea what this was.

and i was terrified i would be shipped off to "the looney bin" if anyone found out.

Then, seven months ago, i met a friend, let's call them Bacon, via an online chat. Now, Bacon has alters as well, but specifically identified as a Tulpamancer. We hit it off, i met their headmates, and they all seemed friendly, if a little odd interacting with one another in front of me via text at first.

And then i asked if i could try typing the way they do. and i let my oldest headmate, Ingra, speak up. It was from there i started learning about what systems actually ARE, and i tried finding out more. but i was isolated because simply searching up Plurality and Systems got a whole bunch of unrelated terms at best, and at worst, directed me to a whole ass WALL of search results of people spewing hate at others for not being "the right kind" of system.

Now, i'm AMAB nonbinary (and before anyone inclined to do so decides to jump down my throat for that, there is a reason i use that label specifically, so shut the fuck up and keep reading) so i have gotten SO MUCH flak for something similar; being AMAB means you're constantly misgendered as "he" by default, you're not taken seriously by most other enbies or cis people or doctors, PLUS you're underrepresented, so every time you look up enby positivity it's just constant reminders of how you're seen as wrong or gross, or worse, predatory.

And i have had about enough of being rejected for shit i had no say in.

So i cut myself off and didn't make contact, and tried to raw-dog the identity crisis with no professional support.

when i tell you this was one of the worst experiences of my life, i am literally not joking.

Sitting there, panicking every day over whether or not you're even a real person or the person you thought you were? at being potentially cut off and isolated from everyone you love because you fear they'll think you're just making shit up for attention?? not knowing if someone new is going to come out of the blue or what that means? not being stable, not being able to switch but still having voices in your head who aren't you arguing about whether or not they're even real, and panicking about the thought of if you're going to wake up one day and find out that now there's someone else living your life and they're stuffing you in the brain box and not planning to ever let you back out? That shit was TERRIFYING.

Through all of that, the only one there for us was Bacon, who never judged, never told us we were faking, never made us feel bad... just listened. Just helped. And never asked for anything. They let us make it through that, without all of the hate and rejection and judgement.

So if someone says they're Endogenic, you don't get to tell them they're not real systems. Maybe they're just figuring shit out. Maybe they had to put in some work to get their alters to realize they're not all the same person so they can start working on their issues. You Do Not Get To Make That Call, because YOU DO NOT KNOW THEM.

If it weren't for Endogenic systems and Tulpamancy, we wouldn't HAVE this information, and we would still be wondering what the hell is wrong with us.

- Minn

Edits: So the friend of mine is specifically a Tulpamancer, and i was (very erroneously) considering them a type of endogenic system. i realize that's kinda wrong, and i want to own that mistake.

Also didn't so much do it with "no supports", as i did have Bacon there, i just wasn't super open about most of the more intense crises. they did help me through a lot of impostor syndrome and so many of the hangups we ran into, and i'm going to be forever grateful to him for that. we would have been much worse off without their aid.

[minniganisms]

oh. they're turning the book about the exploitation of the working class for the benefit of the oligarchy into a marketable, watered down, easily digestible bit of propaganda in order to influence the working class for the benefit of the oligarchy.

this feels like a giant neon warning sign hanging over the door of a slaughterhouse, somehow

I guess this is what the new animal farm movie is going to look like huh...

[minniganisms]

You’re not depressed. You just need $250,000 in your bank account.

[minniganisms]

Responsible, meaning "conditioned to believe acceptance and support is based on being useful"

Doesn't Listen, meaning "doesn't intuit the letter and spirit of the meaning from vaguely worded instructions like we expected them to"

Nice, meaning "defaults to providing emotional labor in an effort to earn the acceptance and affection that wasn't readily offered by family"

the unholy trinity of piss-poor caretakers, tag yourself:

tomboy, meaning "this child is clearly queer but let's hope it goes away"

sensitive, meaning "clearly neurodivergent and often distressed but let's keep going until they grow numb"

mature, meaning "traumatized but let's ignore that"

[minniganisms]

It also doesn't help that a lot of us have no idea how to function as a normal person without collapsing back into people-pleasing safe mode. "wow, you're so helpful!" "thanks! I was conditioned by isolation to believe i would be abandoned if i wasn't useful!"

One of my controversial takes is that I kind of hate the term "rejection sensitive dysphoria" wrt adhd because it's so clearly the same thing as being anxious and insecure in relationships w trauma based disorders but people talk about it like it's just an intrinsic part of your brain that you're simply Too Sensitive & not, like, a consequence of every neurodivergent person alive being bullied as a child. Like that thing of how there aren't any non-traumatized autistic people to study

[minniganisms]

Actually just realized they never introduced me. I'm Minn, the "core" i guess, or "host", but i'm not sure where i stand in all of this, aside from somewhere vaguely in the middle. i'm still figuring this all out. They/Them for me please!

Introductions

Alright, fuck it. Ripping the bandaid off. But if i'm gonna do this, i'm gonna just go all-in the only way i know how.

Ever since figuring out that we're a system here, we've been largely trying to play detective; figure out who's who, where the lines are, what we do. We all see ourselves as our own people, but we're also well aware we're all kind of offshoots of the same person, but Minnigan, the owner of this blog, wasn't quite sure what to make of all of it. Their go-to in trying to understand anything is making lists and mapping things out. So, i'mma point at the elephant in the room, laugh, and share what we've learned.

Disclaimer, our core self is a huge furry, so none of us present human or have normal names, everyone is gonna be an anthro of some kind. Gonna go with a general rundown of pronouns, species, Apparent age, rough presonality traits, and whatever they stylistically present as, followed by a little fact about 'em. Clear? Cool. On to the Infodump.

Ingra - He/Him. Manticore, roughly 40? Grumpy, Willful, and Protective. Likes to look like a blacksmith. One of the ones who's been conscious the longest, also typically the most vocal, but has a hard time listening to folks

Stoltz - He/They. Gryphon, roughly 30. Observant, Idealistic, Goal-Oriented. Presents themself as an old-school astronomer or scholar. He likes to Provide counterpoints to any topic brought up, not to be contrary, just so we see all sides.

Luxx - He/Any. Tarasque (think Bowser, but more mythical), late 20's. Loud, Passionate, Defiant. Likes to dress like a biker-themed leather daddy. Hates masking and will generally do anything to avoid it if he can, but he's always honest about who he is.

Eotri - He/They. Kraken, early 30's. Lazy, Friendly, Charming. Dresses very bohemian, think like Penny from the Magicians and you get the vibe. Also the one usually in charge of a lot of the Masking duties. ALSO also the one writing this post. Hi!

Dav - Any/All. Unicorn, mid 20's. Empathetic, Dutiful, Selfless. Has a bit of an Aladdin vibe going on, not sure why. No fez though. Has an unfortunate tendency to set theirself on fire to keep other folks warm, but they're working on that.

Uski - They/Them. Baku, 20. Sensitive, Imaginative, Cautious. Likes the aesthetic of things like kimono and the flowy clothes of traditional japanese. Basically the inner child aspect of us, they really like turning lots of different things into a game.

Vost - It/Its. Basilisk (the snake version), age unknown. Serious, Apathetic, Intellectual. Very fond of things like snakeskin suits and western wear. Tends to check out the instant emotions are involved or get too heated, but also plays peacekeeper when needed.

Riisha - She/They. Peryton (Carnivorous deer bird), mid 20's. Gothy, Animalistic, Mischievous. Not so much "cottage in the forest" as "Cabin in the woods", major cryptid vibes with her. She's not all bad though, just likes being creepy because she thinks it's funny.

.... aaaaaaaaand that brings us more or less up to speed on the major players in the system. Dunno who's really gonna see this, but that's fine, i guess. It's more for us, anyway. Ain't gonna make new friends unless you put yourself out there, right?

Anyway, have a good one, folks!

[minniganisms]

Introductions

Alright, fuck it. Ripping the bandaid off. But if i'm gonna do this, i'm gonna just go all-in the only way i know how.

Ever since figuring out that we're a system here, we've been largely trying to play detective; figure out who's who, where the lines are, what we do. We all see ourselves as our own people, but we're also well aware we're all kind of offshoots of the same person, but Minnigan, the owner of this blog, wasn't quite sure what to make of all of it. Their go-to in trying to understand anything is making lists and mapping things out. So, i'mma point at the elephant in the room, laugh, and share what we've learned.

Disclaimer, our core self is a huge furry, so none of us present human or have normal names, everyone is gonna be an anthro of some kind. Gonna go with a general rundown of pronouns, species, Apparent age, rough presonality traits, and whatever they stylistically present as, followed by a little fact about 'em. Clear? Cool. On to the Infodump.

Ingra - He/Him. Manticore, roughly 40? Grumpy, Willful, and Protective. Likes to look like a blacksmith. One of the ones who's been conscious the longest, also typically the most vocal, but has a hard time listening to folks

Stoltz - He/They. Gryphon, roughly 30. Observant, Idealistic, Goal-Oriented. Presents themself as an old-school astronomer or scholar. He likes to Provide counterpoints to any topic brought up, not to be contrary, just so we see all sides.

Luxx - He/Any. Tarasque (think Bowser, but more mythical), late 20's. Loud, Passionate, Defiant. Likes to dress like a biker-themed leather daddy. Hates masking and will generally do anything to avoid it if he can, but he's always honest about who he is.

Eotri - He/They. Kraken, early 30's. Lazy, Friendly, Charming. Dresses very bohemian, think like Penny from the Magicians and you get the vibe. Also the one usually in charge of a lot of the Masking duties. ALSO also the one writing this post. Hi!

Dav - Any/All. Unicorn, mid 20's. Empathetic, Dutiful, Selfless. Has a bit of an Aladdin vibe going on, not sure why. No fez though. Has an unfortunate tendency to set theirself on fire to keep other folks warm, but they're working on that.

Uski - They/Them. Baku, 20. Sensitive, Imaginative, Cautious. Likes the aesthetic of things like kimono and the flowy clothes of traditional japanese. Basically the inner child aspect of us, they really like turning lots of different things into a game.

Vost - It/Its. Basilisk (the snake version), age unknown. Serious, Apathetic, Intellectual. Very fond of things like snakeskin suits and western wear. Tends to check out the instant emotions are involved or get too heated, but also plays peacekeeper when needed.

Riisha - She/They. Peryton (Carnivorous deer bird), mid 20's. Gothy, Animalistic, Mischievous. Not so much "cottage in the forest" as "Cabin in the woods", major cryptid vibes with her. She's not all bad though, just likes being creepy because she thinks it's funny.

.... aaaaaaaaand that brings us more or less up to speed on the major players in the system. Dunno who's really gonna see this, but that's fine, i guess. It's more for us, anyway. Ain't gonna make new friends unless you put yourself out there, right?

Anyway, have a good one, folks!

[minniganisms]

So as for the thing i alluded to in the last post....

It's something that i've been dealing with for a while, basically since childhood. Sadly, when growing up in the 90's and 2000's, jokes about "hearing voices" were literally fucking EVERYWHERE, so people either thought you were kidding or had you institutionalized and medicated so heavily you basically become a zombie.

Regardless, i ended up with what is essentially my own personal MST3K audience, with my life as movie, except in this case the protagonist could hear them. Doesn't sound bad, until you realize those audience members are there because the protagonist didn't realize they'd been trying to survive a traumatic childhood by violently dissociating from their own repressed thoughts and feelings, and those feelings involved the urge to lash out at people and yourself over every little mistake, perceived or otherwise. I didn't do that of course, because that would have done more harm than good for me in the long run, and frankly these things scared the piss out of me at the time.

Thankfully through Therapy, i've come to understand them more and open communication. They may never go away, but they don't cause missing time or try to take over, and they don't really do the "violence as a solution" thing anymore.

I don't know if they count as "Alters", and i'm unfamiliar with the terms used by folks living with DID/OSDD, so i don't want to appropriate anything. Near as i can tell, based on what i've found, this falls under the definition of a "Median System"?

I've been thinking of them as fragments of a mirror, each one reflecting a sort of different part of myself but still part of a whole, so Instead, i'll simply refer to them as Shards or Aspects. Maybe i'll introduce them in a later post. Honestly i have no idea why i'm even typing this all out here? Maybe it's just so i can get the thoughts out.

Anyway, have a good one out there today, everyone!

[minniganisms]

Updates

SO normally i'm a pretty private person, i really only hang around making some cheeky or punny comments, but i'm trying to open up again like i do every time someone fulfills the ritual.

there have been a lot of changes in my life this year!

At the end of May my husband and i will be moving into a new place all our own without a toxic roommate polluting the place with his rancid vibes. He hasn't been contributing to rent or housework, and we've given him multiple attempts to pull his weight.

By the end of the year i'll be well and truly on the mend after getting a vajooj installed this July. I'm nonbinary; i want to remain masculine presenting, but i do have a lot of dysphoria surrounding my bits.

Aaaaand earlier this year i discovered i might not be as alone in my own head as i thought. It's not like full blown DID, but there is definitely something going on. I'll get into it in a seperate post.

So beyond that, things are finally starting to look up a bit more!

i'll be trying to update a bit more, even if this place is like trying to yell over the stereo in a clown car. I guess that's what makes it so freeing! maybe i'll even talk about my own worldbuilding!

Til next time!

[minniganisms]

[minniganisms]

Have you ever realized you were "Going Through It" because you felt genuinely at peace for a second? But the spicy part is that the feeling was so foreign that it nearly sent you into a panic episode? Would my therapist want to hear about that?

[minniganisms]

Frankenstein's monster wanted the ability to live a free, rich and fulfilled life, and to be accepted in a world he had no say being brought into. He is the poster child of being misunderstood and attacked for no reason, not to mention demonized for failing to fit into preconceived notions. A good number of cops get into the profession because they want the ability to exercise control over others including the option of legally threatening with lethal force if compliance isn't offered immediately, and sometimes they kill anyway to maintain that power dynamic, or because they're in a bad mood.

If you're trying to make cops look like the good guys here... You couldn't have done a worse job.

crime frankenstein, without a doubt. next question

[minniganisms]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[minniganisms]

google what is this flavor of vent art... let me know how i did on the markings, i was winging it but wanted to invoke the vibe of various gender/anatomical symbols interwoven and made elegant regardless of what you might see in the shapes