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[minutesansmoi-blog]

The ringing in her ears

The ringing never stops.

Sometimes it pretends its not there, like breathing. But the second she thinks about it it’s there. And then she has to wait until she forgets about it again.

The music doesn’t drown it out, it’s just a distraction. Distraction from the quiet, whatever quiet means these days because the bells never stop.

It’s worse when she’s angry, or sad. Or both. Her head feels like it will burst so she tries to sleep. Sleep, the only true shelter. 

On some days ringing gets more quiet than usual, it’s a good day. It’s always a good day when she doesn’t notice. Just don’t think about it.

Because the ringing never stops. It never will.

[minutesansmoi-blog]

Eliott tells Lucas about past mistakes

Eliott POV

Lucas wasn’t sleeping next to him which was unusual. For the last few weeks since they had the talk, they spent almost every night together; he relished every second he had together with Lucas now that everything was out in the open and Lucas had told him that he wouldn’t leave him, they were finally together, nothing standing between them.

Or at least Eliott had hoped so. A few hours before Lucas told him something that completely threw him off. He told him that a few weeks back, after he had found him in the darkness of the tunnel and took him home, he met with Lucille. At first he didn’t want to say anything because he didn’t know how he would react but after a while it felt weird not to say anything, “No secrets between us”, Lucas had said. “Why would you do that, what did she tell you?”, Eliott was starting to get angry and it showed. “I- I didn’t want to do anything wrong, I just wanted to make sure I can give you what you need, we only talked about her experience, I mean she-, she was very kind, told me that I was different and I needn’t worry, I’m sorry I didn’t know what to do” Lucas had said, clearly caught off guard by Eliotts anger.

But Eliott wasn’t angry with Lucas, he was angry with Lucille and scared what she might have told him. He vividly remembered her just blurting out that he didnt pass his bac and how she had talked about Lucas to his parents while he was lying in bed after the night on the boat, pretending to sleep. “He’s found himself a distraction again, you know...” if Eliott had had the energy to tell her off he would have, but that wasn’t possible in that moment. He was scared that Lucas might think of him in a certain way because of Lucilles words, so he got angry but he couldn’t tell Lucas, he didn’t want to tell Lucas everything about how he was in his relationship with Lucille, he had made many mistakes. So he ran, took his things and got out of the coloc leaving behind a very confused and teary eyed Lucas.

Eliott felt so bad afterwards he didn’t know what to do. The moment the door closed after him he wanted to turn back and take Lucas into his arms but then he would have had to explain, he wasn’t ready. But now, lying in bed looking at the texts form Lucas, Eliott felt even worse.

L: Im sorry Eliott, please can we talk?

L: im here whenever youre ready... just please tell me you’re ok

E: ok, back at home

L: <3

Lucas had texted him immediately after he left, but didn’t push Eliott to talk, how did he deserve this boy, Eliott thought to himself, I’m getting angry at him for no reason and he says sorry - Lucas was too good for him.

He had to tell him, there was no way he could pretend this topic never came up.

There was no chance he could sleep like this, he had to do something so he called Lucas. It rang three times and he thought he probably won’t pick up its 1 AM anyway but in that moment he heard a sleepy voice, “Hello?” - Eliotts heart skipped a beat imagining Lucas sleeping with his phone closeby, waiting for a sign from him. “I’m sorry Lucas, I didn’t mean to go off on you. Can I get you breakfast tomorrow and we’ll talk?”, “hm? oh yeah whatever you want Eliott”, “ok see you tomorrow then.... i love you”, “love you too”.

The next morning Eliott went to the bakery and got those croissants he knew Lucas loved and made his way to the coloc. He didn’t knock immediately, he just stood there for a minute nervous as fuck. After Eliott finally found the courage to knock, the door opened almost instantly; a slightly out of breath Lucas standing in front of him as if he had just jumped out of his bed to run to the door. And by the looks of his hair he probably had done just that. It was fucking adorable. Eliott couldn’t help but pull Lucas into his arms, hold him tight and the smaller one didn’t mind at all.

“Hi”, Lucas said while nuzzling into Eliotts arms. “Come in, let’s eat”. They made their way to the kitchen, apparently no one else was home. “Well, the others conveniently all went out to have some breakfast together” Lucas said after noticing Eliott looking around. “Ah right, I see”, he said with a smile. “Again, because of the thing with Lucille I’m s-”, “No Lucas, please let me.” the smaller one nodded.

“I have to tell you something. I don’t know what Lucille told you about our relationship but whatever you know or you don’t, I want you to know my side of the story. Yesterday, I didn’t get angry because you talked to her, I appreciate what you did, I really do. I just go scared, I have made mistakes while I was together with Lucille, some I couldn’t help, some I made because I didn’t care enough. I cheated on her, a few times even but I always went back to her. I don’t want to excuse my behaviour but you know I was never really in love with Lucille but she was my anchor when things got bad, she knows me so well and I didn’t want to lose that, so I told her I didn’t mean to cheat on her, it meant nothing to me, sometimes I told her I did it because I wasn’t myself at the time, I lied because I felt trapped but also couldn’t bear the though of being alone” Eliott stopped to take a few breaths, he took Lucas face into both his hands, making sure he was looking him into the eyes.

“But this -, us, it’s different. I would never do anything to hurt you Lucas and I want you to know that. This is real, you choosing me despite everything, it means the world to me I would never want to do anything to break us up. I love you and I hope you don’t think less of me now.”

Eliott held his breath, searching for a reaction on Lucas face but for a few moments he was just looking at him with his big blue eyes, not giving away a hint of what he was thinking.

But then he smiled.

Lucas pulled Eliott into an embrace and the taller one finally let out his breath, not sure if he should say anything else. “You know..... you could have just told me that yesterday” Lucas said, loosening the embrace just enough to look up to Eliott, grinning shyly. “I’m sorry I was a bit overwhelmed...”, “I understand but I want you to know that it doesn’t matter what you did before Eliott, we’ve all made mistakes. We all deserve second chances. Just know that you can tell me anything, we’re in this together. Maybe someday you’ll tell Lucille how you feel, tell her you’re sorry, she deserves to hear it.” “I know....”

Eliott could only look at his boyfriend in awe of lucky he was to have found him. He pulled Lucas into a kiss, softly at first, caressing his face gently, his lips eager to express what he felt for that boy in a way his words could never. But as soon as he felt Lucas’ hands in his hair, pulling lightly he turned them around pressing the smaller one against the wall, deepening the kiss. He was so gone for that boy.

[minutesansmoi-blog]

no offense but I’ve never gotten over anything that’s happened to me in my life