mirei-arius

[mirei-arius]

㋡🥀

colors of the sky.

[mirei-arius]

“and the universe said…”

[mirei-arius]

women in PHLEGM (poetry, history, language, english literature, ghost stories, music)

[mirei-arius]

you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.

but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.

i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.

so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.

you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."

i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"

"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.

i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.

and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.

you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."

"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."

you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.

i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"

"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."

"do i die?"

you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."

"oh."

"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."

i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.

i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.

"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."

i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.

you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."

"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.

you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."

"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.

i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."

you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."

"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."

"you could always die, to be fair."

i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"

"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."

i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."

"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."

i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"

"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."

i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push my heel into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"

i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.

"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."

you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.

you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.

i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.

[mirei-arius]

How do they choose which sand to be the glass and which sand to be the sand in an hourglass... Imagine you and your best friend were two grains of sand and you had to be in the hourglass and your bestie had to be the glass. Ur together but youve never been more apart. A Sick and twisted practice hourglassery is...

[mirei-arius]

[mirei-arius]

i don't wanna be on my phone but i need my phone to figure out where i'm going on a walk and i need my phone to get to my audiobook and i need my phone to call my brother and i need my phone to get in touch with my friends which is fine but i don't want to be on my phone.

so i walk and that's fine and i'm using the phone in an okay-way in that moment. but sometimes i am using the phone like it is a weapon and that's stupid because no it's not. ive seen a weapon those are different this is a phone. but it's also in my hands until 2 AM and i haven't slept. at 4AM. i don't even mean to do it half the time i'm opening the phone to check the weather or to check my email which are things-that-are-okay but then i am in my phone for hours somehow, and i missed the dawn while i was on instagram. i don't even like instagram.

i don't want to be on my phone im not good at it so i try to put distance there but then i'm distancing myself from my friends. we meet up in person but my pictures are on my phone and the menu is on the phone (mon dieu) and so is venmo. so i need the phone to be with my friends and that's fine because it can record concerts and fun activities and i can take pictures of them smiling with pumpkins.

but i don't want to be on the phone because i go to look at the pictures of the pumpkins and i hate how i look in it but it's fine. and somewhere between the pumpkins and 3AM i have lost so much time. i don't even know what i'm doing on it only that i don't enjoy it any longer. it is this long blank void. forever and ever. restless like how mushrooms feel restless beside a dead body.

i don't want to be on my phone so i pick up the phone and i type into google things to do in my area and i save them to my phone and i'll need my phone to get to the tickets and i'll need my phone to book the appointment and i'll need it, i'll need it

[mirei-arius]

haunted house uquiz by streetlighthalo

[mirei-arius]

“dear lucifer, when you fell there were plenty who fell beside you - do you still wake with their blood staining your fingers and is that why hell is painted red or are your nightmares of their loyalty punishment enough do you get bored under our feet, seated on a throne in a mirror image of heaven, do you miss god or are the two of you “on the outs” still your name means bright star, morning star, first glow on the horizon. i wonder if you drink to forget the choirs of angels or if you’ve got a mixtape of ACDC blaring in the background. i wonder if you come home from a long day torturing souls and look at where you hung your halo on the east wall where it burns a hole in the paint. i wonder if the same o-shaped emptiness so many of us find in our lost dreams is echoed perfectly in that little ring, the home you wrecked, the marriage that fell apart in god’s hands. i wonder if he still wears your promise ring. i wonder if he misses you, too. do you pray, lucifer? do you get on your knees and beg like us? or are you sure that this was all planned and you were never meant to return to the kingdom you were cast out of - are you somehow more loyal now in following the divine word than you were when you asked for just a little more? do you know what the first sin was? do you have it framed like your first real dollar or is it like our first kisses: sloppy, wet, meaningless. i think it was pride that undid us, imagining we could be as wise as the god who made us. you were prideful too, were you not? are you still like that or have you run out of energy, too many workdays, too much pleading. there’s nowhere in hell fun to go on the weekends. everyone wants you to punish them. when in these millennium has anyone asked you to just hold them. when has any soul simply curled up in bed with you and stroked your hair and told you that even if your father’s fists where white knuckles, it doesn’t reflect on your character. many of our parents made the same mistakes, you know. many of us became demons trying to run from the nooses our parents hung over our necks. little brightness: i am sorry for you down there in that bloody mess. i am sorry for the arguments that you must have had with him, how you went home shaking, unable to eat, unable to rest. i know the conversations you must have had with your friends: how things are different now and your father is outdated, how he refuses to open his mind to new ideas, how you wish he would just listen, just for an instant. later you’d hear them all punished for telling their uncle he could go to hell for what he’d said to you. i am sorry how you went instead. how in the end he won again. how you stand in the shower imagining another fight with him, how you’ve rehearsed what you’d say a million times in your head, how none of it matters in the end. i am sorry you still have his number saved in your phone but you never seem to get up the courage to dial it. i am sorry that his contact info is just DON’T LET ME CALL THIS IF I AM DRUNK, i’m sorry that his inbox is full of emails and every one you’ve sent has bounced back, i’m sorry you got tired of letters and instead just started sending him selfies as half a joke and half a sliver of hope that somewhere out there dad is looking at you and finally not exactly looking down at everything you’ve done, finally maybe warming up to the devil inside his son, finally forgiving him for everything the rebel types have done. i forgive you, lucifer, for being more human than you were angel. i hope one day your father’s arms are wide open. there are already so many parables about lost sheep. i hope you get to put heaven under your feet. i hope you can take the halo off the wall. i hope they accept your christmas gifts and let you suggest what sort of architecture to use to expand the city of god. i hope you’re in the family portrait again. i forgive you, even if you have to learn how to live on your own, without him. god only knows that i too am full of sin. i know what it’s like to have bad blood you didn’t choose, a brain set to a different station, a body made from the failures of my parents. i know what it’s like to live as disappointment, as dimmed horizon, as “i had hoped for so much more.” i know what it’s like to learn to rebuild your wings from everything you can get your fingers on, from drugs and liquor and sex on motel covers. i know what it’s like to chase flying by renaming the fall. i know what it’s like to sprint in the direction of anywhere else so long as you’re gone. i know what it’s like to listen to screaming and understand it as song. god knows i too have a home that i run from. it’s better the hell we choose than the heaven where we were born wrong.”

— sincerely, somebody that’s probably yours, given my choices // r.i.d

[mirei-arius]

brown works so hard and does so much and everyone is so mean to her. coffee chocolate hair leather tea wood eyes broth a warm coat autumn leaves caramelized onions the crust on a loaf of bread. all things good and warm and kind are brown. bitch!

[mirei-arius]

[mirei-arius]

Die temu ad die

[mirei-arius]

doodling a bunny vs doodling a hare

[mirei-arius]

i can't vibe with anyone who thinks icarus was an ignorant idiot for flying too close to the sun. "oh i'd never do that i would have remembered my father's warning and been fine". do you seriously think that after years of imprisonment, feeling the sun on your face and the open air beneath your wings, you would be able to focus on anything but the joy of being alive and free? do you actually think that if you were given the opportunity to go where nobody has never been before, you wouldn't want to push it to the limit? to dare to be the first to try what no one else has ever even thought possible? do you honestly think you're too good for your own human nature? look me in the eyes and tell me if i strapped a pair of wings to your back that could take you wherever you wanted to go whenever you pleased that you'd be careful and sensible about it. you are not better than icarus just because you have the benefit of his example.

[mirei-arius]

[mirei-arius]

NO OTHER PLANET IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM GETS TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSES!! THE SIZE AND DISTANCE OF OUR MOON FROM EARTH AND THE SUN MAKE THE PERFECT CIRCUMSTANCES TO GET TOTALITY!!! THE EARTH AND MOON ARE SOOOO COOL AND OF COURSE OUR SUN!! I LOVE LIVING ON EARTH I LOVE YOU EARTH I LOVE YOUUUUU MOON I LOVE YOU SUN