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Simon and Daphne - types of love

This is a repost of three metas I wrote on Reddit about how there are different philosophical and psychological approaches for categorizing love and how they might apply to Simon and Daphne's relationship. It gets long, hence the read more.

Triangular theory of love as applied to Simon and Daphne's relationship

The triangular theory of love was developed by the psychologist Robert Sternberg and published in 1986. PDF paper Wikipedia article Summary paper

TLDR, according to this theory, there are three main components in relationships - intimacy, passion and commitment. How many of them are present and in what combination they are determines the type of relationship two people can have.

Intimacy in this context is the sense of regard for the other person, wishing them well and valuing them - this is quite typical for friendships and fits well with the beginning stages of Simon and Daphne's relationship in episodes 1 and 2.

Passion is the prevalently physical attraction and often, though not always, the sexual drive in the relationship - the increasing attraction between Simon and Daphne as shown in episode 3 and culminating in episode 4 in the Trowbridge's garden.

Commitment is self-evident, a decision to commit to and stay with a partner - Daphne deciding to marry Simon despite the children issue but also Simon's "if you are pregnant, I will stay and do my duty" in episode 7.

Combinations of the above can include:

Romantic love (intimacy and passion) is not actually present much in Simon and Daphne's relationship. There are hints of it in their encounter in the Trowbridge garden but since their relationship quickly moves to include commitment, it doesn't play a big role. You could also argue that their early episode 7 interlude on the stairs fall under this, too.

Fatuous love (passion and commitment) is basically the honeymoon period, both in general and also in Simon and Daphne's case in particular. It's the most clear-cut example of this grouping.

Companionate love (intimacy and commitment) was more obvious in their book counterpart, especially the pre-wedding talk when Simon gave Daphne the ring and they agreed to try and retain their friendship as a married couple. Show-wise, I would say the closest they got to this one is when they are putting on the show for the Ton in episode 7 and their pre-ball talk in episode 8.

When all three components are present, the relationship and love is consummate. It's the strongest the relationship can be, the partners are devoted to each other, the sex life is great even years down the line, they overcome their difficulties, accept each other fully and work on keeping their relationship strong. This is how the epilogue's (both show and book) Simon and Daphne's relationship is portrayed.

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Colour wheel theory of love as applied to Simon and Daphne's relationship

Welcome to the next installment of this rabbit hole that is "love as seen by various philosophies/psychologists and how I analyze the Saphne relationship according to them."

Let's look at Colour wheel theory of love. First introduced by John Alan Lee in 1973, it describes six main styles of love - three primary and three secondary. The words he uses to name these styles are well-defined and used outside of his theory but he assigns them slightly different meanings within the theory itself.

Wikipedia Short summary paper

For the primary styles:

Eros is a passionate, romantic, sexual love. It evokes a very strong sexual and emotional connection between partners rather quickly.

Ludus is a playful love but in Lee's interpretation, it's one where the relationship itself is a game to be played and there is a lack of commitment between partners.

Storge means a familial love but Lee uses the word to mean a slow-built, friendship-based love. The relationship is developed gradually and friendship is an integral part of it.

Secondary styles are:

Mania as used in this context is an obsessive/possessive, jealous, intense love. The relationship is likely to be riddled with problems and unhinged behaviour on the part of the partners.

Pragma is a business-like love. The relationship is built on convenience and rationality. Partners define and agree on their expectations, have very clear vision of what they want in a partner and work together towards a common goal. Stable, if not always exciting.

Agape is a self-sacrificial love. The partner's happiness is put first and there is a lot more forgiveness and tolerance for the partner's faults and mistakes.

In mid-1980's, psychologists Clyde and Susan Hendricks developed a questionnaire to determine which style of love a person is inclined to. A shortened version is below. A respondent is to say how he agrees or disagrees with a statement on a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is Strongly agree and 5 Strongly disagree. The numbers are the averaged. The closer to 1 it gets, the stronger the inclination to that love type.

Eros

My lover and I were attracted to each other immediately after we first met.

My lover and I have the right physical "chemistry" between us.

Our lovemaking is very intense and satisfying.

I feel that my lover and I were meant for each other.

My lover and I became physically involved very quickly. (My lover and I became emotionally involved rather quickly.)

My lover and I really understand each other.

My lover fits my ideal standards of physical beauty/handsomeness.

Ludus

8. I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her.

9. I believe that what my lover doesn't know about me won't hurt him/her.

10. I have sometimes had to keep two of my lovers from finding out about each other.

11. I can get over love affairs pretty easily and quickly.

12. My lover would get upset if he/she knew of some of the things I've done with other people.

13. When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want to back off a little.

14. I enjoy playing the "game of love" with a number of different partners.

Storge

15. I did not realize that I was in love until I actually had been for some time. (It is hard to say exactly where friendship ends and love begins.)

16. I cannot love unless I first had caring for awhile. (Genuine love first requires caring for awhile.)

17. I still have good friendships with almost everyone with whom I have ever been involved in a love relationship. (I expect to always be friends with the one I love.)

18. The best kind of love grows out of a long friendship.

19. It is hard to say exactly when my lover and I fell in love. (Our friendship merged gradually into love over time.)

20. Love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion.

21. My most satisfying love relationships have developed from good friendships.

Pragma

22. I consider what a person is going to become in life before I commit myself to him/her.

23. I try to plan my life carefully before choosing a lover.

24. It is best to love someone with a similar background.

25. A main consideration in choosing a lover is how he/she reflects on my family.

26. An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she will be a good parent.

27. One consideration in choosing a partner is how he/she will reflect on my career.

28. Before getting very involved with anyone, I try to figure out how compatible his/her hereditary background is with mine in case we ever have children.

Mania

29. When things aren't right with my lover and me, my stomach gets upset.

30. When my love affairs break up, I get so depressed that I have even thought of suicide.

31. Sometimes I get so excited about being in love that I can't sleep.

32. When my lover doesn't pay attention to me, I feel sick all over.

33. When I am in love, I have trouble concentrating on anything else.

34. I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else.

35. If my lover ignores me for a while, I sometimes do stupid things to get his/ her attention back.

Agape

36. I try to use my own strength to help my lover through difficult times. (I try to always help my lover through difficult times).

37. I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer.

38. I cannot be happy unless I place my lover's happiness before my own.

39. I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my lover achieve his/hers.

40. Whatever I own is my lover's to use as he/ she chooses.

41. When my lover gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally.

42. I would endure all things for the sake of my lover.

If Simon and Daphne were to take the above tests, Eros and Storge would be their strongest styles, with Agape coming in third. One or two questions from Ludus, Pragma and Mania also fit for some specific events in their life but overall, the dominant love styles are clear.

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Greek words for love as applied to Simon and Daphne's relationship

If you read my two previous posts on the subject of love, you will find a lot of the terms familiar. Greek concepts and philosophical treatises underpin a lot of Western philosophy and academia, after all. If you poke around the internet enough, you will find that there are several lists of Greek words for love. The one on Wikipedia lists six of them, other pages have seven or eight words, some only five, some have six but different from the Wiki ones. Four of those words, however, are on nearly every list.

Eros. Philia. Storge. Agape.

Eros, the passionate, primarily sexual love. It begins with an attraction, a spark that will lit up a bonfire. Sometimes it burns out if it's too focused on the physical side only but if the attraction is to both body and mind, it can endure because the passion doesn't decline with physicality. This one is fairly obvious in the Simon and Daphne's relationship.

Philia, the affectionate, friendly love. Born of shared interests, values, experiences and more. It's a love that is chosen, loyal and trusting. Philia will inspire feelings of well-wishing. A true friendship means that you want the other person to be and live well. Again, an obvious one for Simon and Daphne.

Storge, the belonging, familial love. It's the love that is most commonly shared between family but in a wider scope can also apply to things like city or country or even a sports club. It's based on the feeling of kinship, of belonging to a group, a unit, which is why the most common occurrence is between a parent and a child. But it's also found in marriage when, for example, the couple present a united front and mutual support in public. This is the kind of love Daphne grew up with and that Simon mostly lacked until they got married. After that, there was no escaping the family love.

Agape, the giving, sacrificial love. It's unconditional, selfless and divine. It's an ideal which is near impossible to reach in full but it's possible to reach it in part. Giving without expecting anything in return. Being willing to give up something you want for the sake of the other person. Accepting the partner with all their flaws and shortcomings. Simon and Daphne at the duel, with him willing to die not to steal her dream of children and her giving up that same dream to save his life, that was one form of agape.

As mentioned before, the four words above are the most common ones to be on the lists of love types. There are several other words - xenia, a hospitality love (treating strangers with kindness); epithumia, a liking love (a surface level type of love); pragma and ludus, which I talked about in previous posts. But the one I want to talk about is philautia.

Philautia, the self-love. While it can cheekily refer to masturbation, the real meaning is the act of loving and accepting one's own self. In a way, this type of love was the most important for Simon to learn. Once he realized he didn't need to be perfect to be worthy of love, things started to fall into place.

One common thread throughout these posts is that there is not one single love that fits a relationship perfectly but rather that a combination of them makes up various facets of the said relationship and makes it all the better for it.

#bridgerton #saphne #daphne bridgerton #simon basset #meta #long post #reblogging for fun and profit #and it's a good meta if I can say so myself

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