miserable-at-best

[miserable-at-best]

my friends think I’m crazy, or maybe they feel bad for me, but maybe they feel bad enough to keep their mouths shut (without knowing I started handing over control to them, one word too much from them, and she will catch on, and then it’s over)

I used to tell myself that this not actually what I want, and that I deserve this misery because I revel in it. But it is what I want, I’m scared that it is exactly what I want. And I guess, since I am not able to start getting over you, I do deserve this a bit. But not this much.

it haunts me, and I know these are big words for a teenager to use, but it does. it haunts me and I can’t see it stopping. why would it? I don’t seem to do a lot against it

[miserable-at-best]

this is my wishful thinking

I don‘t actually think that things like this happen, I don‘t think they should happen.

Hypothetically, if there are infinite universes, this is definitely the one with a glitch.

There must be thousands in which we never even met, a lot in which we are friends, and some in which we tried for more and only think bitter thoughts of each other. And there is not a single one where we made it work, because we shouldn‘t be able to.

So this is the one where we have to keep our heads down so nobody up there notices us.

All that being said, I am sure you have a similar theory for this, you most definitely do (and if it‘s not similar, then it‘s most likely the same anyway)

I would say I like your shoes but it would be an odd compliment as I have the same ones. But I like the way you use words, or sometimes don‘t. It‘s not as though words were invented to help the two of us, simply because we don‘t really need them, but as we already have them, why not make the best of them?

Your hand gestures make it seem like you own the world, and the way you open your eyes make it seem like you own all the others too.

My friends don‘t want to be yours too because they can‘t get past wanting to be yours alone.

Technically they stand a chance, but ultimately everyone can see that we wouldn‘t just give each other up. (As if anyone would bother now that we know the other one exists. As if)

I think I even know the dance moves to your favourite songs, voulez vous and you know how this one goes.

[miserable-at-best]

my love letter to you

I‘ve let my books pile up and my movie list is endlessly long, because I just never want to do things that don‘t let me think about you

you‘re still the person I plan my summers around, even though you shouldn‘t be

it‘s just way too fun to secretly invite ourselves to the same parties so we can couple off together when we get there

you know me so well, you‘re probably friends with the guys I try to imitate

you could call me a hopeless romantic, but actually, one thing I am not is hopeless - shameless how I keep holding on to the possibility that you could start thinking of me the same way I think of you

sometimes I wonder if you‘re really that cruel or if you really put my my favourite songs in your playlist because you like them

I‘m a bit in love with everyone, sometimes childish and often wishful

but most of all I‘m in love with you, all consuming and a bit too much, simple as that

and I think I am so in love you that I don‘t, I never mind that this attraction is not balanced at all, not equal and that the outcome is a bit too clear.

I admit, that everyone I tried to trick myself into loving, I haven‘t even thought of now that they are not around.

So no, I am not able to let this go now that you know.

It might be strange to hear, but I am not even sure if I want to just yet.

I say this as if this was a brand new feeling I want to use up, but it is exciting like that‘s exactly what it is.

You might think it makes me miserable, and to be honest at times it does, but that being said, there is little else that makes the room in my chest feel so heavy and let’s the corners of my mouth get so far out of my control.

[miserable-at-best]

I don‘t know how I could ever think that I want something other than this, always and forever circling around you xx

it‘s all said and done, for now, but by this time tomorrow we will be lost in schemes and jokes again, it‘s never entirely over

I should be angry that we never get away from this but all I can think is how much I love you, how much I want to relive this moment, be it my personal hell or most desired nightmare

on the second thought, I think cherry coke means I love you. you. youyouyou. not him, not me not anyone else I might wanna trick myself into loving

I‘ll make us shine, just you wait, we are inseperable elusive myopic in love and not alright please never leave me

[miserable-at-best]

stop becoming all the songs stuck in my head, and give up spelling magic to stop time

I want to cry tears over you, yeah sure I do, did you forget who I am?

bruise my eyes never kiss me and tell me I‘m wrong fucking shit I think I love you

we both don‘t know who‘s the one who got away, do we? but in my heart, I know nothing is ever finished. When you think everything is said and done I will phone you while already waiting for you outside, this time and next time

[miserable-at-best]

and just when we‘re wrong, we think we can move on, hm?

you might think that things change, people change, everything changes, but I don‘t think I ever got away from england, and I never got away from you, never from you always with you and better without you, it is

[miserable-at-best]

you call the shots babe, I just wanna be yours

tomorrow‘s your birthday, and I‘m doing what I can do best; creating playlists for you and falling back into love

I know, I fucking know. And it is true, I don‘t love her, not usually at least. It‘s just, either her or everybody else. And I don‘t know, I feel like everyone can fall in love with me, hell, everyone is in love with me a bit, but

[miserable-at-best]

I am really sad and I need to escape

[miserable-at-best]

he tells me he doesn‘t have a crush but I‘m not sure if I should believe him, entirely

the thing is, I think I could maybe fall a bit for him, if we both let our guard down a bit more and if I would for once be sure about something

I could, doesn not mean I should nor that he wants that. I am aware that I might come off a bit weird or too over-sharing or anything else, and that falling in love with someone if you don‘t really know them yet is not something that is a) easy, and b) if it happens probably not very serious

I am almost embarrassed by how I react differently to things just because it‘s him. For example, I am not a big fan of the 'Hey' 'Hi' 'How are you?' 'Good, you?' 'Yeah also good' 'nice' texting. I am more forward, if there‘s something I want to talk about, I just start out of nothing. But maybe other people don‘t like THAT. Anyways, I have a friend who texts exactly like that standard bullshit and I really don‘t like it, but when HE starts a conversation with hey and asking how I am, I al not that negative about it. Fucking hypocrite. (I mean me)

I will probably say hello to him on the hallways, so much for keeping it down. I am really thinking about how I‘ll say someone hello. I. AM. SO. PATHETIC. WTF.

[miserable-at-best]

I really do always want that I can‘t have huh.

It‘s winter. And I so desperately want summer.

I want endless days and nights, the smell of freshly mowed grass and the slight touch of sunscreen and chlorine on everyone. I want Arctic Monkeys, sleeping in tents, stargazing, laughing until I‘m breatless, sitting on a swingset, wearing flowery dresses and jumping into rivers at hidden bays. I want campfires with my friends and all my miserable songs. I wand you and me, being happy, and most inportantly, being someone else.

We always wish for summer to be the time of our life, but I am starting to think that this only works in movies.

[miserable-at-best]

in my first entry, I said that I wouldn‘t know what to do if I couldn‘t love her anymore, remember?

I am now officially on stand-by mode. Everything is so numb, I can hardly stand it. There‘s nothing that brings me true, unaffected joy at the moment. I feel like I am somewhere below the surface and I can not breach the border line.

Sometimes, when I‘m listening to my summer-sadness-songs, I feel like I pushed my hand up far enough to break the surface. But it never lasts, and I am not sure if I even want it to. Still, I like how it feels like someone momentarily stabbed me in the chest with a switchblade.

My life is slowly falling apart to the sound of 'Don‘t stop believin' and this is almost painfully ironic. I can not help it.

I try to think of the future but I can not see any place there where I am not miserable. I can not get out of this. What I need is a 180 degree character and brain switch, but that is something I can not achieve, ever. You can not switch out your mindest or your brain just like that. The past thoughts will always hang on.

[miserable-at-best]

shut up shut up shut up

the fact that the world will not stop spinning anytime soon and that people expect things from me, expect me to function and not break are making me shiver

I‘m scared, really. Every adult person would probably confirm you that they‘ve had their battles. I am by far not adult, which means that all my battles are yet to come and that none of all this shit will be easy, ever.

I don‘t want to grow up. I don‘t even want to exist anymore. Not die, but just stop existing, like a book that ends and no one questions it. I don‘t want to be somewhere else or somewhere alone I don‘t want to THINK anymore.

[miserable-at-best]

I fell so hard all my bones should be broken. I fell out of love and out of all heavens. Something like this has never quite happened to me. I went days without really thinking of her.

But am I the only one feeling like this? Maybe she thinks everything is alright when in reality it‘s not. In my reality it‘s not. Or maybe it is not my reality, and more like my unreality.

[miserable-at-best]

I want to remember what missing you was like

and what being so fucking unlucky in love made me feel

I still see you, but not with the same eyes as before

blinking vision spots, a firework all behind closed eyes

we look at each other, just never in the way lovers do

at times I miss you so much I can‘t sleep

I‘m miserable now but I miss being miserable with you in my head

I know what your face looks like when you laugh

but now I wanna see your tears

and I‘ve started wondering

when did we really lose each other?

[miserable-at-best]

the dancefloor magic stayed a bit after the night

I am sorry for being like this

it‘s just that I thought I saw the stars in your eyes

when we danced to shitty bands

and the sun in camera flashlights

as they took a picture of us

[miserable-at-best]

actually miserable at best could also mean that I am miserable even at my best times. Which is also true.

[miserable-at-best]

I never show my poems and lyrics and written down thoughts to anyone because I am, among other things, just worried that they might not understand.

Feelings. Songs. Words. Books. Places. Things mean something to me even though they are just trivial for others. It‘s normal. But it‘s fruatrating at times.

I don‘t know how to explain to others why I like the book Gray just a bit better than all my other books. Why I read the same old chliche fanfictions over and over again. Why I listen to the same songs over and over and why the album MANIA is so important to me and why I delete songs off my phone even though I like them, and listen to them anyways again. Why I recite the words 'sunsets on the insides if my eyelids' when I am stressed, and why the words 'who says' make me want to start screaming them. Why I get a sinking feeling when I think of my childhood and I do everything possible to avoid feeling something connected to that. Why I hike up the same hill in my neighborhood so many times and why I am so content being alone.

While writing all that, I realized something. I like being miserable. I like it so much that I made my life about it. Of course I like Gray and MANIA, Pete Wentz wrote them. And of course I listen to the same songs over and over again, I live through my memories once again. I feel certain feelings that go hand in hand with these songs.

You know why I chose that username? Because no matter what I do, in the end I come back to the same old things that resurrect the same old feelings and I have the sinking feeling in my chest again. That‘s why I am miserable at best.