missingevie

[missingevie]

Tips for a happier more complete me

Im done explaining myself!! I barely understand me!! I can't make you understand me!!

Im gonna understand myself one day, even if it takes the rest of my life. I have layers, but I'm not unknowable

Take care of YOURSELF. Noone is gonna fix you or heal you. They can stitch, but they cant mend. That comes from you.

Also take care of yourself by eating and bathing and drinking water. We are here to live and learn, but your meat needs nourishment. Dont end your story short.

Patience. Dear god be patient. Im begging you. Ik you can see the finish line right there but you're not there yet!!! Walk if you have to, rest if you have to, but don't rush, and don't give up. It may take time, but you will get there. Let things come in their own time.

One day you'll look back and realize that you don't recognize who you used to be, and you still dont understand yourself. This doesn't mean no progress was made. We grow and change everyday. By the inherent laws of infinity, your discovery will always be behind the change.

There is no consistent form of the self. There is no best self. There is only the self. All that is good bad and neutral is relative to you and your own morals and life path. Dont alter your behavior to match previous patterns, act in the moment in whatever way you see as being the most genuine version of you that instant.

Don't fear change, but don't embrace it. Change is change. Its inherent and of its own mind. Don't throw your life to chaos out of hope that it may one day change for the better. Don't cling to the past out of fear of the future.

If you're ever lonely, it's because there's something you need that you cannot give yourself. It's okay to reach out to people and find support from them. But don't depend on them.

If you want to create, then create. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Just create. This is the only way your soul knows how to breathe.

[missingevie]

all about ev(i)e

ok here goes

hello evie this is adam

i want 2 say how r u and

when am i gonna see u again

am i gonna see u again

r u done being done with me

r u still mad r u

i want 2 say i want 2 say

jesus this feels stupid

of course evies still mad at me i text and text but the bubbles r all my color a conversation im having by myself. i call but no answer shes frozen online no chatter no posts

weeks of this

write it down dr grace says what would u say 2 her if u could? pretend like evie is right in front of u adam

what would i say 2 u evie

dr grace says i cant control ur reaction but i can process my feelings write it down 4 myself and dont catastrophize ha like i can control that

so here i am back on a new tumblr a habit or a need u tell me evie

what would i say 2 u

i would say what the hell is happening

where r u why the silence its like ur totally gone not just from me but from pittsburgh

i would say i want u in front of me irl not just on a page

evie the last time i saw ur face it was all fucked up and ur hair ur beautiful hair was gone he used scissors like hedge clippers and the ends shot out like they were still expecting the weight

and u were furious at me

i dont wanna remember u that way evie and i dont want my last words 2 u 2 be the ones still curling in ur ear

let me put new ones in there i can do better this time

im sorry

i know this is supposed 2 be just 4 me but hey maybe u will find this maybe hashtags work maybe u will read this and we can rewind

what would i say 2 u evie

everything

[missingevie]

happy 2gether

evie u used 2 tell me theres no one else in the world but us and I knew what u meant

who else was gonna understand u but me and who else was gonna understand me but u

together in this new creation we got to name everything even ourselves. u gave me my name u said we were the first boy and first girl that ever lived and i should be adam wouldnt that be perfect and it was

of course there were other people around 2 many of them crowding the hallways at my school i got my fair share of backward looks and hands hiding smirks but mostly i slipped by

i was all camouflage the flannels and jeans and baseball caps and i was lucky by birth slim hips and a flat chest that reads boy in a once over eye flick. strangers could slot me in their brains and walk on and kids who knew me thought i was a weirdo already

i was just trying 2 pass like a brown moth against bark hidden and happy

not u evie

u were a butterfly and proud of it u liked color u liked bebe u liked a smoky eye u cravd hair clips of every shade

once ur hair started growing out and ur mom with a tight mouth said fine a little color dont get carried away then evie was born and u were gonna be urself no matter what at least at ur school. screw the haters and gym class and the math teacher who told u 2 stop making fun of normal people. they tried 2 shove you back into ur chrysalis but u just wouldnt fit. if they told u 2 wipe that lip gloss off ur mouth ud just find a brighter shade

but it wasnt easy 4 u i had it easier okay i will admit that now

ud escape 2 my house the only place u could wear what u wanted sometimes id pull out old clothes never worn stuffed in the back of my closet the skirts the turquoise jumper the yellow sundress i always hated but it was beautiful on u. it was like show and tell every day after school u were there when my first binder came in the mail

and sometimes ud lie in my bed ur head in the curve of my arm ud just lie against me and cry (and it wasnt from anger or fear but just a release a relief of being urself)

and it was just us 2

adam and evie alone in the new world

all the colors

[missingevie]

yentl

im sitting at lydiahs coffee house right now best kenyan brew in pittsburgh right? our favorite place to bitch and moan. the lgbt center is right around the corner thinking about stopping in but it would feel weird without u evie dont know if i can do it

can there be an adam without an evie?

rewind

movie night at the center remember how cold it was by the river that day? my mom dropped me off it was my 1st time got a flyer from dr grace damn i was nervous and i was late but not as late as u

u snuck in when the lights were off and sat by a stranger ur size and that was me. u must have followed the sound of my eyes rolling like marbles into the back of my head. i had already seen yentl my dad made me but i dont like musicals much

is this movie 4 real u asked

yeah that old lady is pretending 2 be a boy i said and we both laughed

remember big marg was so mad at us she shushed us from across the room said hush its babs u kids have 2 learn ur history

im here 4 the pizza u whispered 2 me in the dark. my names evie

oh evie i could tell that name was still new on ur lips u had 2 keep it hidden in ur pocket and ur hair was only just starting 2 reach below ur ears and I remember u kept trying 2 tuck it back and were u sneaking eyeliner even then?

i forgot which name i gave u i was still looking 4 mine. we were the youngest ones there we couldnt stop laughing and laughing and it felt so good 2 laugh first time in years. i was trying 2 pull myself out of my middle school hell and u were trying 2 pull urself out of urs and we were both looking 4 a hand 2 grab on to

remember we both got real quiet at the end when yentl started unwrapping himself in front of his love. (yentl u should never have revealed urself u should have kept that binder on and stayed a boy.  i knew it was gonna happen but this time it hit me harder i couldnt look maybe because it was a bigger screen or maybe because i was sitting next to u

and after the movie the lights flickered on u asked me if my eyes were wet and i lied. u said thats ok boys do cry and thats when i knew u were my hand

pulled me out evie u pulled me out

and now u wont even answer a text

[missingevie]

adamandeviehere4u

i can’t help it im online watching some of our earliest videos. damn we were like hyper puppies let out of a cage giggling and jumping up and down we couldnt stay still 4 more than 2 sentences. we looked so young how can it be only last year. i guess we were trans babies just starting out pre everything

the adamandeviehere4u youtube channel was all ur idea. i told u i got the ok 4 hormones was gonna start taking t over the summer b4 freshman yr and u said omg lets record ur transition lets start now

so we did

hi im evie and im adam and we are here 4 u today we are going 2 talk about

my voice sounded i swear like i had just huffed a bunch of helium it was so high. u didnt have streaks yet no red or blue or yellow fireworks lighting up ur hair but it was finding its curl. i still looked like a leftover from a tegan and sara concert

we recorded in my bedroom cuz where else. sometimes ud see my lizards in the shot sometimes dirty laundry (god we did not know what we were doing) u were the chatty friendly 1 and i was the quiet 1. u almost always did the intros and i mostly waved

welcome we are both trans kids i am transfeminine and he is transmasculine and we r going 2 transition together and we hope u will find these videos helpful

i think they did we got so many questions so many kids looking 4 help. where can i buy a binder/how did u tell your parents/im afraid of coming out 2 my friends how did u both do that/what is body dysphoria do i have it/r u guys dating (ha no we were not)

some of these kids were like 9 years old or something we had 2 look up all the words dysphoria nonbinary gender nonconforming it was all new we didnt want 2 take a wrong step lead someone the wrong way. there were so many questions i had 2 make a tumblr just 2 answer them all

our life got bigger at least online it didnt matter what was going on at school we had followers all the sharing and caring dont u miss it? we could block the haters and reach out across the world such a high. we sounded so cringey then but it didnt matter we were happy on our way cuz it was going 2 get better remember that was the promise

it’s okay being who u are. u can be who u want 2 be. love urself u r perfect

that was the promise

dont u miss it?

come on evie call me up we can make more

call me

[missingevie]

bad education

so tired today

at school mrs conlon deadnamed me in biology oh so sorry she said i meant adam so sorry ADAM and that just made it into this huge thing i mean how many months have i been reminding her how many cmon

yeah i know i know not a big deal just some petty bullshit evie u would have talked me down given me some perspective u would say just be happy ur not at my high school

which is true

we were 5 miles apart in 2 different school districts but it was more like 2 different dimensions 2 parallel universes

i mean both of us were caught in this crossfire of words and bathroom bills and old white men from far away who suddenly got really really interested in telling us where we got 2 pee they couldnt stop thinking about us peeing yeah and we were the freaks

and at my school it was mostly ok i mean they had a diversity assembly (which was pure hell everyones eyeballs swiveling my way) and there was the article in the post gazette  with my photo so i wasnt anonymous anymore everyone at school got 2 claim they knew someone who was

but even tho there were lots of eyes widening and elbows knocking into ribs and phones raised it never got 2 a fist in the back of the head or anything. half the people called me the right pronouns half the time so i guess i won the lottery

but

evie ur high school was 20 years in the past where all the heads were shaking hell no and where u had a vice principal who was also the assistant football coach and u heard he called u a fag in front of the whole team and hey thats just locker room talk nothing 2 be done and ur guidance counselor would just tell u why do u make this so hard on urself?

like u were hitting ur own head against ur locker and hocking wet spitbombs on ur books. they said u provoked u were causing a scene

and on the days where u couldnt hold it in any longer u had 2 make that long walk 2 the special bathroom by the administration offices and all the kids knew where u were going

hey sicko do u stand up or do u squat is it still attached?

every day and somehow that was ur fault 2

no help from ur parents. ur father didnt even know about u he thought u were just being weird with the long hair crap and ur mother warned u dont tell ur father dont bring this sickness home

(home where adam wasnt allowed over where there was no evie only a deadname with ur face attached)

so u erased urself u wiped off the lip gloss and the eye pencil and the hurt b4 u walked thru the door u knew ur mom was just waiting 4 an excuse 2 stop it all and u werent about 2 give it 2 her

whats worse being out and hassled by strangers or hiding urself from the ones supposed 2 give u love? it’s a one two punch evie a combo platter of misery

fuck it adam ud say. 3 more years

the only person u could talk 2 was me. u were safe at my house we could make our videos we could lie on my bed and hold hands and flip off the world

i could make u feel better i guess i took it 4 granted we could always make each other feel better

so when did that stop happening

[missingevie]

shakespeare in love

alone in my room so damn quiet in here

im thinking about the kiss

im thinking about it

we were talking shakespeare yeah that was something we both shared odd but true wrangling about the old bard ha

u were complaining u said he has all these girls dressed up as guys rosalind viola portia why didnt he write any plays where dudes dressed up as girls? no fair

falstaff dressd[CE1]  up as woman i said

great. drunk old bearded man puts on a dress ha ha ha what a role model. transphobe shakespeare

evie all the women were played by men remember?

o yeah u said

we were lying on my bed facing each other my fingers laced in urs i was in my usual jeans and flannel u were in that yellow sundress

u took ur other hand and traced my jaw (the new jaw carved out of my new narrow face) and u said ur so lucky look whats happening 2 u

i was 6 months on t but u werent on anything no way ur mother would allow you. u could only go so far u could tuck and u could curl and u could give yourself a smoky eye but ur body stayed stubborn what u were not

at least ur hair was growing out so thick and long with yellow fire at the tips u loved it even tho u had 2 twist it hidden in a hoodie so ur dad wouldnt see. my hair was buzzed above my ears such a dude

we kissed. the guy that was me was kissing the girl that was u and that was new 4 both of us and there was electricity in the newness and it felt safe because we werent worried about hands going where we didnt want them 2 go and our eyes saw only what we wanted them 2 see

but

the kiss wasnt the same 4 both of us. there was romeo and juliet in ur eyes and i was thinking twelfth night like we were twins viola and sebastian shipwrecked on the bed. that was when i realized 4 the first time i didnt want 2 kiss a juliet i wanted 2 kiss a romeo an orsino an orlando a boy

i told u this and u said maybe but u never know

i think i know i said

ok u said and ur fingers tangled into mine again but the fingers felt heavy and then they slipped away

i wish i lived in elizabethan times u said. those beautiful dresses

[missingevie]

circle of friend(s)

im watching those transition videos on youtube im watching me become me

adam on testosterone 3 months 6 months 9 all the changes thank u jesus 4 the t it was like my real self was erupting from my own body and im not talking about the zits. my jaw squaring and the hair on my legs and arms thickening and so was my voice it had dropped 2 the basement a miracle

there i was second puberty second growing up i think i lost half my vocabulary the hormones the appetite the horniness and rage

the complete and utter joy

im watching month 9 now and i see me talking a mile a minute 5 cups of coffee speed nothing like the me at school so excited giving all the details pointing out the changes flipping out over a waitress calling me sir so into it

and ur not saying much

so i watch again im looking 4 clues and i catch something in ur eyes a sadness around the edges a frozen smile why didnt i notice that b4? i was so stoked by how i was growing i thought it was all ok 4 both of us

no thats bullshit

i knew something was up

i remember that 1 time u got mad at me 4 nothing u were talking about a circle of protection not like a magic wizard kind of circle but like people in ur life who could surround u and keep the crazies from the outside away

u told me i had my family who understood who had my back but u didn’t have anyone

i said well what about me and u said u? ur only 1 point what kind of circle is that? and maybe u meant it as a joke but it kind of pissed me off and i said thats not my fault get some friends (like that was all there was 2 it like friends were something u could stock up on from costco) and maybe i also meant it as a joke but it didnt land that way

it was a dick thing 2 say and i tried 2 make it better i said come over here i tried 2 make a circle with my arms but u shrugged me off

ur right i make a shitty circle

if an apology drops on tumblr and no one reads it does it make any difference?

im gonna leave a comment 4 u on our youtube i hope u see it i hope u will call me please please please evie lets rewind

[missingevie]

apocalypse now

u blocked me im blocked on our youtube channel I AM BLOCKED why evie why did u just do that? what do u think im gonna do stalk u i just wrote 1 comment reaching out 1 goddamn comment and u changed the password?

how the hell we gonna sort this out if u wont talk 2 me?

im on ur side remember?

but maybe u dont believe that

maybe ur remembering

dont remember evie dont

i fucked up evie i wasnt ready

u always told me ur school was like a battle zone but i didnt understand it until the bombs started dropping around me

like o[CE1] [AE2]  this is how bad it can be

we were going 2 the center. pick me up at my school u said slip in we can go from there. my secret crush will probably still be hanging around his name is roman he has a nose ring and soccer player legs

when i got there u looked great evie u were in a really good mood so happy 2 see me. maybe u flew a little brighter down the hallway and that caught their attention or maybe it was our chatter (we could never shut up together)

but really i think they were just waiting

later u told the principal u didnt see anyones face but u had 2 say that u knew what the price was 4 telling cuz u did see u saw the face of every kid who cornered us on the stairs and they werent all boys either

our chatter cut right off

they sliced u away from me with their bodies with their words they wanted u all 2 themselves

where u going they said why u so happy u know ur just a

(i dont even want 2 write the words they said dont want 2 give them air)

we wanna show u something they said and they grabbed ur hair and ur arms and they dragged u 2 the boys[CE3]  bathroom and 2 stood watch and 1 of them turned 2 me (he had that sharp silver curling out of his nose and fists twitching 2 be released) he said what r u looking at faggot and i said nothing

turned my head and looked down at the floor

said nothing

it wasnt even 1 minute but it felt like hours before they ran off. i found u crouched in the last stall ur hair and face wet with spit and a gash on ur cheek from the stall door u fell against

u said forget it dont say anything lets get out of here but i made u go 2 the nurse just in case and she wouldnt even look u in the face she called u by ur deadname she shook her head but she wasn’t the worst

she reported it 2 the principal who punished exactly no one called in no one and oh yeah he deadnamed u 2 said emotions are high lets calm down why dont we call ur parents

but he wasn’t the worst

not even roman with the soccer player legs who high fived[CE4]  the others and ran off slow like it was a victory lap not even he was the worst

u know who was the worst

it was me evie. it was me

all the things i coulda done screamed fought ran 4 help but i did none of the above evie i just stood there

and whats worse evie? the worst secret i never told u?

i knew these people thought faggot was better than being trans

so i shut up

i was happy 2 be just a faggot 2 them

how wrong is that

HOW FUCKING WRONG IS THAT

waiting 4 ur mom outside neither of us talked. not a word. i stared at the ground trying to disappear. u stared straight ahead wouldnt look at me i couldnt find ur hand it was like u were already gone b4 the car pulled up. we didnt even say goodbye

we were just empty shells evie 2 coffins with nobody inside

[missingevie]

monster

all right lets finish this horror show this car crash lets lay it all out

u came into my room looking like they tried 2 rip the evie right out of u

the cut on ur cheek was healing but looked worse puffed up a darkening sky an angry sunset of purple and red. ur hair was all slashed off into spikes and patches ur head was so small ur eyes red on fire

u threw the silver butterfly hair clips on the bed the ones i gave u on ur bday. u said here take them nothing i can do with them now

look at me. look at me

i couldnt look evie couldnt move couldnt talk couldnt form thoughts words deeds u were just wanting 2 words from me why couldnt i say them

i was just freaked evie u were on fire and i was freaked

u told me ur father grabbed the scissors and he grabbed ur head like he was gonna do the hedges like u were a tree that needed pruning he never said a word

but ur mom never stopped yelling while she destroyed ur room I TOLD U I TOLD U she ripped all the posters from the wall all the hiding places upturned and turned out

telling me this u were shaking there was an explosion building inside u i didnt know how 2 stop it i was scared evie the guilt burning me up i was little pieces of ash dissolving in the air i was dissolving

adam i told u not 2 say anything why didnt u listen 2 me why did u make me go 2 the nurse why

nothing but guilt and ash spinning from me the air was thick with it and in every moment of silence more words slipped away more space crumbled between us a chasm

and then u were yelling

this is completely fucked up

my father says i cant he wont let me he said he would kill me if

dont you understand im on lockdown 24/7 no coming over no videos goddamn it dont u care at all adam say something adam jesus adam SAY SOMETHING

my hands shot up like i was surrendering and the words finally came but they were the wrong ones evie i hurled them out so hard 2 hard i just wanted the fire to stop everything to stop

WHAT DO U WANT ME 2 SAY EVIE HUH WHAT DO U WANT ME 2 SAY

and everything stopped

nothing adam dont say anything

i don’t need u

forget it

im done with u

u ran out i didnt follow why didnt i follow

every day i think of that every day

where were my hands 2 stop u my words 2 calm u the curve of my arm 2 hold u

who am i now who is this boy i have become

[missingevie]

gravity

i cant do this anymore it isnt helping dr grace was WRONG. mom says whats the matter and dad says hey kiddo but they dont know what went down and writing it out doesnt make me feel better doesnt make me less of a shitty friend doesnt let me take it all back it just keeps the circles going around in my head no relief

besides youll probably never see this anyway whats the point

on youtube on our tumblr the comments and the asks keep coming like everythings the same like we r still together. all these people looking 4 sharing and caring but i have no answers 4 them and who the hell am i 2 tell anyone anything

i cant stand how much i miss u. i tried to call 1 last time but ur phone is shut down do u hate me that much

i even went to ur house it took a while to find ur address but i did. no one at home the curtains all shut a scrape of mud on the top step of the porch no color at all. i shouted 4 u but the house stayed silent it didnt recognize ur name

fuck it evie

No more rewinding

u said ur done with me you dont need me so i guess i wont need u either

adam and evie r here 4 no one

even my name doesnt fit right adam the name u gave me i thought it was my true name but im giving it back it was only my true name while i was with u now its just a deadname buried under my porch im gonna have 2 find another

pittsburgh feels like a chokehold my bedroom is crammed with ghosts. dad is heading west scoping out Hollywood 4 a few months and i told him i wanna go with him and he said yes and mom said yes even dr grace said it might be a good idea a different environment so all systems go

u know that scene in gravity where 1 astronaut unclips himself from the other and just spins off into space? thats what im gonna do im gonna take down the adamandevie tumblr im gonna get me a new name and spin off into the unknown

out in los angeles no one will know me and i can just float along the boy who has no answers who has no sharing or caring who wont damage anyone who can just be left alone

or maybe ur the one floating away maybe im unclipping u and letting u spin away smaller and smaller until ur just a spot a speck and then just an idea an image in my head that was never really there a butterfly

     ( bye evie )

[missingevie]

princess bride

hey look whos back on tumblr its me

this is 4 u evie even if u never see this hello hello hello

recap my name is jack now not adam and im in la not pittsburgh but ill be home in a week dont know 4 how long well long enough 2 get my head together

and when i get 2 pittsburgh im going 2 find u evie im going 2 full on princess bride u and track u down like dread pirate roberts hear this now i will always come for u

and when i do im going to say all the words to u the good words i should have said b4 just wait for me itll be worth it promise

ive changed evie maybe its the california air maybe its the schools here that tell u to speak ur truth and frame it in terms of i (yeah they say things like that) but i think ud like this me this who i am

i am a boy

i am trans

i am gay

i am brown

i am part indian

i am part everything

i am short

i am fire

i am fucking fantastic thank you

and i am not going anywhere

well except to pittsburgh where i am going to find u because u know wuv twooo wuv

speaking of true love evie theres a boy here i want u to meet his name is jules (u would like him but u cannot steal him)

jules is my westley my buttercup he is my orlando who doesnt want a rosalind he loves ganymede and ganymede loves him

ganymede is going 2 be out of his fucking mind missing orlando

i will tell u all about it when i see u

evie please be there please

love urself u r perfect

see u soon

[missingevie]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR-JkiNQ_Ro)

[missingevie]

Love love love.

7 years on Testosterone compilation 

[missingevie]

Hey, I gotta go but I wanted to put this here before I forget. Reblog pls!