missspoetry - Tumblr blog

[missspoetry]

November 10th, 9:53 pm.

I've always liked looking in peoples windows, specifically what they are playing on tv. It brings me joy, to see a house and imagine it happy, and decorated for the holidays. What a person watches or listens to tells me a lot about them. Tv is also just a big part of my life because it's how I bonded with my family. Not just that, but it brings me cloud-soft comfort.

Silence with other people around makes my skin crawl. I can't stop thinking of what the other person is thinking. I think that's why I prefer to be alone, I can be quiet and not worry about someone else.

What I'm really not saying is it's my anniversary and my partner did amazing things today while I was at work, but he didn't feed my dog.

Upset, I mumble under my breath my frustrations as I cut up my dogs food. He then gets within inches of my face, yelling for me to say it to his face.

I don't cave, or waiver.

Five minutes later he's playing video games with a friend. So I take the dogs for a walk.

An hour later I'm still walking.

What's the next step S?

Mantra...

A dog isn't a baby and you will get through this grief.

-Ms. S. Diary

[missspoetry]

November 6th 8:25 pm

I'm so sad.

My partner probably loves me, likes me at least. He planned dinner, made butternut squash soup from scratch, cleaned, did everything.

I lean into kiss and am met with not only disinterest but a "waisting time" type of feeling. Like he couldn't be bothered to take a moment and express love back. If I bring this up I know he would say "I was literally in the middle of something".

All I wanted was to say thank you I lean in for a kiss, and am met with your cheek,

It made me feel like I don't want to do that again.

And yet again I do, he sits near me and I reach my arm out and say "want to hold hands?" He laughs, "no".

Laughs?

It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. I recognize that he shows me he loves me by cooking, but I need some affections.

-Ms. S. Diary.

[missspoetry]

The letter.

October 17th 2023, 10:49.

Honey, I love you. These past few weeks have been so wonderful, I've loved the behavior change and how we've been getting closer and it made me reflect on what this last year has brought/felt like.

When I see you go into your winter depression/grief it makes me feel isolated and alone. I lose my partner and the person I know and love. And throughout the years the bought of depression has gotten longer, more intense, to where it's not just seasonal. I would like you to consider going to therapy, to truly work on your grief. I know right now it's good but unless we work on ourselves and our relationship, I don't see a future at the trajectory it's going, and I very much want a future with you. Would you be willing to work on our relationship and see a therapist?

Check yes, no, or maybe so.

-From me, to him.

[missspoetry]

September 12th 2023, 1:10 pm

What do I want?

I want so desperately to let go of my timeline and accept where I'm at currently.

Peace during this time of decision and unknowing.

To comfortably float from one place to another without worry of what that means for my distant future.

I want to live and experience the time I'm in currently.

-Ms. S. Diary

[missspoetry]

2022, Solo Travel.

That was the first year I started traveling for work by myself, far.

I loved it.

At this point I was still traveling with my partner for the fun things.

-Foreshadowing

[missspoetry]

February 25th 2022, 7:54

Her.

Tell me something about her. What lead her to this place? Was it your wedding day, did you decide to leave? Did he leave you? Is he the one taking the photo, and you're about to make love in the river? -Ms. S. Diary

[missspoetry]

2021 was nice.

Looking back on pictures for clarity is difficult.

Everything looks so happy.

That was the year we moved into our dream house.

Adopted more animals.

I spent most of this year doing trainings and regrowing my business after covid.

[missspoetry]

2020, where did you go?

I didn't write anything, and I'm so surprised because I remember feeling so many things.

Restlessness, I was up before the sun, and would go and watch the sunrise by myself, at different locations.

After finding my favorite spot I started bringing my dog and enjoying these long walks in the woods.

This would be how I spend almost all of my days, my first of many rituals.

-Ms. S. Diary Entry.

[missspoetry]

March 27th 2020, 9:47

I used to think I could tell the future

I was just really good at reading the signs.

-Ms. S. Diary Entry.

[missspoetry]

And that's what I did...

For the next year I did things out of my comfort zone, went to concerts, got a drunk tattoo, grew my business, and looking back at pictures, I think this is the happiest me and him ever were.

-Foreshadowing.

[missspoetry]

January 28th 2019, 8:03

Declarations Of My Future

I will do things that get me out of my comfort zone.

Make time for self healing, physical and mental.

Evaluate what drains me and what gives me energy, because at the end of the day, energy doesn't lie.

Give love even if I don't get it back

Even if I don't get acknowledgment

Because my relationship deserves a chance to grow.

Give it a month of watering it, even when the grass is brown.

Even if it gives you poison oak.

Even if it does nothing but produce weeds and strangle the roots below.

Water it.

And if, it doesn't get green and give you flowers to work with?

Leave.

-Ms. S. Diary Entry

[missspoetry]

January 28th 2019, 7:33 pm.

I want to be at...

Home

Rest

Peace.

I want to be...

Nice

Compassionate

Patient

I am...

Stressed as fuck

Tired as hell

I literally want to...

Die

Give up

Pass the fuck out

I keep...

Getting up in the morning

Moving forward

Not giving up

Crying and getting over it.

I want to be less anxious and happier with the decisions in life. I can't keep doing life this way without a serious change. Whether that be with my partner, business, or self. If I don't change what I'm doing I might not survive another year.

Hell 2020 might not come.

Heaven might not be that far away.

[missspoetry]

January 19th 2019, 6:33

It's the middle of the night.. right?

At what point does the night turn into morning? I type this as the clock turned 5:51 a.m and contemplate this as I stare at my heart rate on my watch warning me it's too high. It's thumping not only in my chest but in my stomach.

Body is shaky, skin pale and cold

I haven't slept in 63 hours

Eyes are red and dilated

It's harder to decipher my thoughts when I'm in this state, mornings like this one used to sober me up.

I need to get grounded soon...

Shaky, I leave you.

-Ms. S. Diary Entry

[missspoetry]

January 4th, 2019

Silence is more common than communication in our daily lives. Backs turned, only our breath leaving our mouths. When will it go back to normal?

-Ms. S. Diary Entry

[missspoetry]

January 3rd 2019, 12:06 am

Depression surrounds me. It is a crushing weight that makes me feel exhausted. Actually, in pain is a better way of describing my agonizing body aches and chronic debilitating migraines.

My eyes are so heavy, the moment I give in and close them, my anxiety takes over. My heart starts to race as I see my never ending list of things that I am too exhausted to complete.

And you stand there,

Telling me it's all my head, that my brain is playing tricks on me.

You never say it out-loud.

You say it in your compassionless approach when I say I'm hurting, depressed, exhausted. You have no understanding and I wish you did.

Preaching "you never say what's on your mind"

When I ask for the next plan to move forward: silence.

Seconds turn to minutes, silence filling the air.

Truly, the worst sound.

-Ms. S. Diary Entry

[missspoetry]

Space is why our galaxies do not collide... I should have realized that before I glued you so close. - Ms. S Diary Entry

[missspoetry]

A Secret Garden -Ms. S. Diary Entry