mixedfeelingswithmackenzie

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

The only person you need validation from is yourself. Let go of the need for approval. 

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

don’t let one letter dictate how smart you think you are

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

“what are you doing after you graduate?”

school becomes too much sometimes. actually, at least once a day it’s too much.

before you know it, midterms hit. once those are done you have a wave of assignments and readings you’re behind on because of the midterms you were studying for…then the second your first round of midterms are done, your second round begins then, just like that, it’s finals…

it. never. stops.

“what are you doing after you graduate?”

it constantly feels like there is a tremendous weight heavy on my chest, it is hard to fall asleep, if i take a day off of schoolwork to take care of my mental health, it feels like I’m missing something. i stay up late into the night tossing and turning, worrying that i forgot to do an assignment or that there’s a midterm coming up and it slipped my mind…

“what are you studying?”

“oh…what are you going to do with THAT degree?”

“you don’t have a plan after graduation…?”

but i am thankful for the opportunity to be able to go to school. to be able to get a higher level education and to have doors open for me because of this education. i know it isn’t accessible to everyone, that they would do almost anything to be in my position.

but “what are you doing after you graduate?”

the anxiety rushes back. what AM I going to do after I graduate? 

*4 months later* 

i am sitting in my childhood bedroom upstairs dreading the dinner that is about to happen. my graduation dinner. i know. i know. i should be excited! i graduated university! 

but i am not excited. i am not excited to answer the dreaded question. the most dreaded question of any undergrad student of all time. ever. in history. especially Arts students.

“what are you doing after you graduate?”

the smell of bbq wafts into my bedroom window. i hear my first guests walk in through the back-gate, commenting on the beautiful flowers in the garden, asking where i am.

i’m hiding. because i have no f**king idea what i am going to do now that i’ve graduated.

why is there such pressure on us to know what we’re doing. where is the need for exploration? the excitement for the unknown?

my excitement is that

even now, after graduation

after four years of post secondary education

i have NO idea what I’m doing

and that’s fine.

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

Allow yourself to grow. 

inspired by @literahti

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

Mental health is just as important as physical health…. 💕

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

those models don’t even look like that

I sit in my bed scrolling on Instagram, wondering why I don’t look like these girls on my feed. I am putting myself down over and over and over again. 

“You will never look like that”

“You aren’t as pretty as her”

“She’s more fit than you will ever be”

But then I snap myself out of it.

I have to remind myself time and time again that the culture surrounding the healthy living lifestyle on social media, Instagram in particular, perpetuates body image issues to women all over. 

There are all these unrealistic and ridiculous standards set which teach young teens and women that they're not good enough. The unrealistic bodies of people are posted for everyone “else” to see, their lifestyles are normalized and it becomes our social standard to believe that we should be like THAT. 

We are taught to feel shame if we eat “unhealthy”, if we show too much strength OR not enough, if we do not look the same as all the Gymshark sponsored athletes or Instagram fitness gurus.

There is no winning in this world that perpetuates an unrealistic body/lifestyle yet the people and companies creating these ads and pages make it seem so effortless that we blame ourselves, torture ourselves because we do not look like that. 

THOSE MODELS DON’T EVEN LOOK LIKE THAT. 

I’ve fallen into this trap, into this mindset time and time again. 

I’ve succumb to the social pressures of this Instagram-model look, I've felt bad about myself countless times while mindlessly scrolling through these fitness models feeds. I’ve fallen victim to this. too. many. times.

Despite these negatives, I have also used it for meal-prep inspiration, have gotten so many recipes, have discovered amazing podcasts run by truly healthy, inspiring, real, non-airbrushed, genuine people. 

It’s pushed me to get up and go to the gym when I might've not gone that day which always makes me feel better and more focused, it has helped me remember that mental health is just as if not MORE important than physical health but also that they're directly related and connected. 

I have felt proud of showing off my best time for running an 8km on my Instagram story, I feel like my followers are my very own personal cheerleaders, especially when they say I have inspired them to get up and move today or that they're going to try a recipe I reposted. 

It is difficult to combat the negatives with the positives. 

Unfollow the unrealistic people.

Replace them with real, everyday people who admit that they had an off day and didn't make it to the gym today or had a cheat-day yet despite not fully sticking to their plan, they get up the next morning and hit the gym and crush their workout and continue to live their healthy lifestyle.

THOSE people are the real people. 

Not the ones who appear to have their sh*t together 24/7; who never miss a workout, who NEVER eat a cookie, even when they're feeling sad. 

Unfollow those people who make you feel like you're not enough and your feed will be instantly filled with empowerment versus guilt.

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

C U L V C C I N O

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

No matter what you did, or who you were in your past, it helped shape you into the person you are today. Embrace that shit; you’re beautiful inside and out. 

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

morning routine

she always walks into the bathroom smiling to herself, even first thing in the morning it’s always my favourite part of the day she brings in this feeling of warmth  like when it’s snowing and you’ve been outside and you plunge into a hot bath

she glances at down me stepping around me to get her toothbrush she pushes me in a little bit towards the wall maybe to hide me she doesn’t want to see me “out of sight, out of mind” they say

she’s brushing her teeth she staring at me come on step on me!  just do it i’m right here

she glances away again staring into the mirror she’s always staring into that mirror come on just step on me!  she glances down again at me then back into the mirror

and finally! she steps on me! and then…she sighs looking back into the mirror her shoulders droop her demeanour changes she looks so sad so defeated what did i do wrong?! why did i make her feel so sad?

and this this is always my least favourite part of the morning she steps off me and walks out the door a dark cloud over her head no longer bringing in the warmth or the sunshine  as if the number she sees on me is her worst enemy as if that is equivalent to what she’s worth as if it defines who she is

she usually brings in the sunshine but when she steps on me she embraces the storm and brings in the rain

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

Wowowow slow down, take a deep breath, a cup of coffee and continue.

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

phones in nature 

source: myself! 

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

addiction

I hate that when I’m out hiking, exploring and breathing in the fresh, oxygenized air that I feel the need to pull out my phone and take a picture to post on social media. 

I hate that when I’m at the peak of the mountain I check for service to see who snap-chatted me. 

I hate that without my phone, I wouldn’t know what to do while walking to class. 

I hate that just walking isn’t even an option anymore.

But I also love the tools it gives me.

I love my meditation app that I do almost religiously before bed and I have been having the best sleeps since.

I love that it allows me to post about fundraising I’m doing for the heart and stroke foundation, people see it and they donate.

I love that it allows me to email and Skype my grandparents in England so easily to keep in touch.

But I hate how people expect me to reply right away.

I hate that there is no escape from what is going on in the world, even for a few moments.

I hate that Facebook targets their advertisements to what I was talking about with my roommate 5 minutes ago. 

I hate how the amount of likes and followers someone has can define their opportunities for jobs and is directly related to social “status”.

I hate how people “do things for the ‘gram”.

I hate that I have to admit that I, Mackenzie Stevens, am fully addicted to social media; Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram etc. You name it, I’m on it.

[mixedfeelingswithmackenzie]

Time is precious.