mkstrta

[mkstrta]

Let this be a random blog post from 2021 Mikee on an uneventful Monday morning as I try to listen to a podcast

It is eight in the morning and I have finally come to a point wherein I have to write down my thoughts. Currently everything is so clustered inside my head. I have had toxic traits quite recently, most of them I told myself I wouldn’t want to deal with anymore (right after my second heartbreak).

I am well aware that I have become insecure of my boyfriend’s past. This has never happened before, mind you. That is why I am mildly ashamed of my characteristics these past few weeks; that is why I wanted to write a random blog post on a random blog no one ever visits. 

The past is nothing but a memory now-- one cannot forever hold onto it because it doesn’t even matter anymore. What is important is what’s happening now. NOW. 

I wounded myself by reading his ex’s curiouscat account from--guess what--two years ago. I immersed myself in that year--in their relationship-- and ultimately saw myself as an outsider looking through a love, one that I could never have. I know what I did was wrong. It was toxic and unbecoming of me. I am not the girl who purposely hurt herself just so that I could demand love. I was not the Mikee yesterday, endlessly reading their curiouscat answers just so that I could hurt myself and make myself feel even worse. 

How could I get so insecure of a love felt by my boyfriend before? Honestly I had my fair share of past love, too. I examined my past relationship last night and felt like I was looking at an old photo album, bittersweet. 

Let the past be just like that-- a past. Unimportant. I am so over being jealous of a thing I have no control over. This just means that I am insecure of Miggy’s love for me. Why would I even be insecure? Is he doing something I should be insecure of? This is a personal issue I have to address. 

I am beautiful, I am strong, I am smart, I am enough.

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August 2020

I am going to give YOU an update about my life lately:

To start off, my day has been going on really splendid. I’m sorry for the various vocabularies, I’m really trying to expand them and not use the same words over and over again.

I woke up at seven o’ clock in the morning and immediately wrote on my journal for mental cleansing! As I drank my cup of latte, I organized my room for a bit and moved some things here and there. It took me almost two hours to finish because I kept on getting distracted with the things I find (i.e. my 2019 journal). I got rid of some things that remind me of my ex because well, it’s high-time to finally move on.

Actually, what I am planning to write on here is my progress on finally moving on. It took me a year--a pathetic year, to say the least-- to completely decide to move on. 

It stretched on for a full year because we unfortunately work in the same place and we have the same friend group. It is pretty complicated compared to the usual break-ups wherein you both just don’t see each other so you finally get to move on. Out of sight, out of mind. Mine was brutally hard. 

To brief you, dear reader, I had to cut out a lot of people from my circle. I’m glad I did, though, no regrets about that because I realized they aren’t really my kind of people. I had to grow and I had to shell out myself away from the people I don’t see the point of being with anymore. The people I worked with who I considered my friends really weren’t and the people who I thought were my close ones weren’t really my friends. In short, I had to completely pull away from everyone because they are a part of my hurting and I didn’t want to be exposed anymore. For the first time ever since I can recall, I felt extremely alone. I had no friends and I trusted no one.

The last people I had a hard time cutting off were my ex and F. I realized I had this innate characteristic of fully extending myself to another person, without any conditions whatsoever. I was like that to my ex. Even if I was totally aware he was already taking me for granted, I denied what I saw. I was still hung up on this good side of him (that actually vanished the day he broke up with me) and it was taking a toll on me. I struggled mentally for months and no one knows about it. I started taking supplements just to shut my brain out from overthinking because I was in a position of actually needing someone’s help. I didn’t though because I felt like my problems were just too small. It was just a heartbreak, right? One could just get over it easily. But like I said, I was gasping for air.

You see, I knew I was being like that because I was still exposed to the culprit-- my ex. I knew I was still hurting because I still haven’t cut off my ex from my life. I couldn’t blame myself, I was hopeful we would get back together. But it was literally draining the life in me. I had to step back and see the bigger picture.

One day, I just had enough of it so I packed up and go. I have to tell you it wasn’t a one-day thing wherein I just woke up and said to myself, “Well, fuck this. I’m out.” No, it wasn’t. It was the compounding thoughts I had in my throbbing head. It was gradual but one day I just couldn’t bear it anymore so I jumped out.

I have to say though that his father’s death was the catalyst of it all. I didn’t just see the point of still being concerned with him when it has been more than a year since we broke up. What the hell am I doing? Still stuck in a place I was left with for more than a year and I am wondering why the hell am I still having headaches because of the same person?

As of this writing, I am finally moving on. Bang doesn’t deserve me. I deserve someone who’s willing to commit to me. I didn’t lose anything. This was never my loss. I am the bigger person here. 

[mkstrta]

Note: I am writing this as I drink my beer and stitch my broken heart slowly and lightly. I am going to pretend someone is reading this, at least there’s a person who listens.

The Things That I Learned  In My (Two, oh Fuck) Failed Relationships

1. Never enter in a relationship until you are sure you are secure of who you are.

2. BUOIN MO MUNA SARILI MO, I REPEAT, BUOIN MO MUNA SARILI MO.

[mkstrta]

I feel like I needed to write some points in my life here. Obviously I have not been writing a lot lately. Life has this quick part of things and it always shocks me how time always flies so fast. It is already February 23, almost March. It has been such a whirlwind I just kept staring at how things morph into something different, completely overwhelmed with every thing- every thing. 

I wanted to post my picture here to remind me of who I really am as a person, as someone I think I know.

Lots of things happened last year and most of them- I didn’t even expect.

The major part of it all is something I cannot publicly share but it somehow killed a part of me. I even think most of my sadness roots to this particular incident.

Also, I got myself into a new relationship just months after I got my heart broken. I wouldn’t say I was completely moved on because there will always be a part of me who will be in pain, for my core was shattered like it was just nothing but cheap glass.

This will be my post (in relation to that upper paragraph.)

I realized I still have major trust issues. Whenever the topic of cheating comes up, I always get my guard on. There will always be that unconscious flashback of reeling pain I felt before.  And it is honestly not pretty. Just recently I told Bang I get jealous whenever he does papansin things to my friend. I don’t know, I feel like trust is such a big word. It is such a gamble to give your trust to someone again, knowing fully well it has been broken and taken for granted. Could I really trust someone completely again? Could I dare to, amidst what happened to me before? It is so traumatizing- being cheated on, worst- emotionally. 

Damn, I am such in a mess of things. My mind cannot fully contain all these thoughts playing inside my head. Sometimes I think of just dying. Hays, I don’t know. I feel like I have been sad my whole life. 

Pero diba I really have to gamble since I am in a new relationship and every relationship is obviously different. Puta I really need to relax. If I don’t I might just kill myself.

[mkstrta]

I am not happy with my work anymore. How could I say that? Well, it feels like a chore now, compared before where I would just look forward working. And I just want to take a sick leave or whatever. I find myself sometimes wishing I were sick so thay I couldn't go to that hell hole of a place. I am feeling sad, here it is again. My old dark friend visiting me for the nth time. Rubbing his black cloaks on my face and it feels like water. I become submerged into it. I couldn't see straight. All I feel is the ember of warmth surrounding my dampened face. What familiarity, old friend.

[mkstrta]

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Miss ko na uyab ko 😞

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Thanks papa, my constant reminder not to get lost over a boy again ♡

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Ang kyot mow

[mkstrta]

Hay gosh my ultimate crush 😍💕❤