mlasoulkey

[mlasoulkey]

glad that my late 20s find me feeling more comfortable in my own skin- kinda proud of myself and the ppl I surround myself with. I feel incredibly lucky that I get to call them my friends

[mlasoulkey]

wadiyatalkinabeet- books and flowers and coffee and friends

[mlasoulkey]

Romanticism/paintings

I'll once again take to writing prose- I think when I was younger I was more romantic. Romantic in the sense that I saw the light in people and viewed that as very special, would place that on a pedestal, and often viewed things from a particular narrative of idealization. I’d try to see the full picture (the layers of someone) to get to the bottom of them and see them at their core- nowadays this is something I mostly do passively and subconsciously, rather than as an active process

these days I still notice those little details, but I try to see that while remaining present and without any narrative tied to it. I try to embrace the complexities of people, their flaws and quirks, and I try to see and understand and appreciate that holistically. these things are generally fickle and constantly changing, and I don’t want to hold onto the idea of someone or engage with possessiveness- I don’t need to hold someone down, keep them in one black-and-white box of expectations, or even be in their lives. if crossing paths does happen to happen, I generally try to express gratitude as it's there rather than fixate on the past or future

do people truly like me for me, or just how I make them feel?

a while ago I cried when I sat alone thinking of where I was in my life and where I was headed. I got emotional again when I was heading out to my commercial exam bc I felt a kind of happiness for myself, and thought of the time and unseen moments it took to get to that point. I'd like to be at a place where a younger version of myself would be proud of current me (and maybe a future version of myself would feel similarly from looking back and reflecting on this specific inflection point)

for a while I really craved for someone to just see me- I wanted almost anyone to really just see me fully for me. but now I've realized it's almost impossible for anyone to fully see someone else, and perhaps that’s part of the beauty, mystery, and tragedy of human existence within our current form. and yet despite all that, it still feels like this incredibly human desire bc we all yearn to find others who can fill that role in our lives 

I think I sometimes focus too much on the world, or internally on myself. I really appreciate connection, and seeing other friends, and us sharing space and empathizing together

this is me- I'll continue to exist, to search, to feel

maybe that’s why we’re here- to love wholeheartedly and to appreciate beauty 

[mlasoulkey]

real cottagecore shit

[mlasoulkey]

within emptiness, weeping, laughing

[mlasoulkey]

space between / young heart, older soul

I don’t think it’s clever or particularly insightful, but I was thinking about impermanence and the present moment- I’m as young right now as I’ll ever get to be (in the present) and I’m also the oldest I’ve ever been lol. maybe there’s some sort of symbolic meaning in that, or maybe it’s just a realization that time is this abstract construct that in a way falls apart in the context of the present moment. 

I haven’t written in a while and kind of felt the urge, so we ramblin today lol- 

I’ve at times been feeling kind of stuck and alone, but started to recognize that I’ve felt this way before and have gotten thru it- time keeps going, life continues and the tides ebb and flow (I think part of the magic and mystique is beautifully navigating these moments with grace, some vulnerability and openness). I used to try to find solace in romanticizing nostalgia or thinking somewhat far ahead, but lately I’ve found that activities that keep me grounded in the present are typically best (altho it doesn’t work 100% of the time- gotta find the right balance and intentions behind these actions)

I’ve been thinking of life as gaps (could be a flawed perspective bc it’s really this continuous, chaotic, nonsensical, simultaneously multifaceted thing)- the space between two places as we’re commuting, the time between different life stages, moments between seeing friends and loved ones, the time between a future self where people love me and the past when old friends cared. it feels like we’re the light poking thru the gaps in branches, leaves or clouds, just as much as we’re the branches, leaves and clouds themselves. 

sometimes I think about how I’m essentially trying to make a career out of existing in these gaps between places, countries, moments, and experiences- something about that sounds overly dramatic, maybe melancholic, and in some ways beautiful. but another part of me realizes that we’re always in-between something and constantly existing in these windows and gaps- we never fully realize when certain points and epochs start and end in life, when people enter or exit our lives, what these relationships become and the ways they end up existing in our hearts. and while it’s pretty and poetic to view experiences with this in-between lens, I think it’s normally more beneficial to view things from a more present, grounded perspective: looking for and appreciating the joy and beauty in front of us, the people who care deeply for us now, how we’re feeling in the present moment. and sometimes that means appreciating the absence of someone and missing them, missing a certain feeling that’s already left, and at times looking back and reflecting- I think it just feels very human and honest to do that sort of thing, and it allows gratitude when things are going well or a greater awareness of what we’re looking out for

lately I’ve been paying more attention to how it feels to spend time with other people- how it feels talking to them, what those feelings are exactly, how they’re receiving me, etc. it’s a lot more work now finding friends as an adult, and it feels kind of rare to meet those really great people that just kinda resonate. I don’t think I’ll ever give up on that or become jaded but I’ve been noticing how uncommon that sort of thing is (and in some ways now I cherish those relationships more when they do pan out and life paths cross). on being enough with myself, finding home in other people’s hearts, and knowing that I’m somewhere in theirs (and perhaps that’s the remedy for this cold, isolating, uncertain world)

in some ways we’re crying out for comfort, warmth, and reassurance (I’ve noticed that there’s almost a toxic cultural pressure to give that up as we get older, especially among men). I miss holding someone tightly and being held in this sometimes cold, complicated, vibrant world- what else is life for?

a few days ago I saw the quiet morning light peak thru my bedroom window and rest on a pillow a certain way- I saw my ex sleeping there and she looked like an angel. I felt a sense of melancholic gratitude with getting to share part of my life with someone who loved me back 

on friends having their own lives and being busy- I think I’ve been feeling more like an ambivert lately? sometimes I miss companionship and having another person be a focal point and foundation to my life, experiences, and emotions (and other days it feels liberating not being limited by a central foundation or person in my life- there’s pros and cons and my feelings on it change w/ different days) these days it’s been familiar solitude, coffee, and books books books

I’ve noticed I tend to be sensitive, feel things deeply, and care about people tremendously and I’m coming to terms with that (and understanding, appreciating, and accepting that about myself). it’s been nice finding comfort in friends or writers and poets that have felt that way before or notice life like that too

the light of beauty in the world: feeling that in some sense in brighton, feeling it again in amsterdam (and to an extent in tokyo, altho it was a bit too fast and hectic). pacifica also fills my heart a certain way- I usually feel a deep appreciation in my bones around there lol 

friendships, love, relationships, and connection- the beauty in that and how that brings this glow to life; carrying them and moments and emotions in my heart and knowing that other people feel the same way about me and care about me deeply 

it’s a warm and lovely feeling to be seen and understood- in some ways it feels like I actually exist when someone else sees me

I’m still figuring out my 20s and navigating thru life (young heart, older soul shit lol). I read somewhere that life isn’t permanent, personal, or perfect, and I think lately I’ve been thinking of that in trying to experience beauty

[mlasoulkey]

[mlasoulkey]

SZA sharing an unreleased “Love Galore” verse

[mlasoulkey]

love/gimlet (heuristics)

I’ve been trying to see the ups and downs of life as phases of the moon- maybe in the light’s absence we tend to look inside. I’ve also been navigating through different seasons of the heart, trying to look within and beyond (journaling, geography and long-distance friends). It's been a huge privilege to be able to travel again, visit friends, and feel and experience different angles to life. This year’s been feeling very 2017: switching music tastes, meeting new friends, visiting beautiful cities, changing things up. For whatever reason odd years tend to go better for me

Covid isolation and visiting Japan in the span of a few weeks highlighted how quickly the moon changes. Erik’s willingness to see me on such short-notice made me feel appreciated, valued as a friend, and more secure in some of my more distant relationships- maybe it was part of a cosmic karma reward for meeting Nhung on a last minute trip earlier this year

the sea and the sky- on being small and appreciative and in love with the world. lately I’ve been trying to clear my headspace

It's a trip visiting Amsterdam again after more than 5 years: I return as someone who’s graduated college, fallen in love, gotten a pilot’s license, and lived through a pandemic. But I don’t want to wait another 5 years to come back- I feel like after just another year I’ll change and be on some different shit again. The city’s been giving some Sussex vibes: the calmness, greenery, and overall feeling of safety and wonder gives me a foundation to want to explore and fuck around more. The walkability, tap water quality, and bread are all vastly superior to whatever they’ve got going on in the states lol, I wouldn’t mind possibly living there at some point

walking on old brick streets beneath the gray overcast, the Amsterdam rain reminded me of a friend who doesn’t mind gloomy weather- there’s something comforting, beautiful, and honest about the way it rains out there. she’s in the rain

Lately I’ve been working on myself more- for whatever reason it’s nice when someone older mentions that I’m still young and have a lot of time to figure things out (maybe it’s the added context). I still love the thought of love and keeping my heart open: embracing different forms and shades of love, living in the present, practicing more gratitude, and trying not to chase too much or lean on too many expectations for the future

These days I’ve been more appreciative of being older, wiser, and more comfortable: knowing what I like, having my own sense of taste, appreciating my own growth and the journey and setbacks it took to get here. I’m glad that I can communicate that with other friends with similar growth experiences/in similar places emotionally and with shared values. I think there’s also been a greater comfort with being myself and not having to impress anyone or prove anything- understanding that I know how to communicate and navigate through losing friends or outgrowing people (and just being where my feet are and feeling proud of myself and the friends I surround myself with)

I’m incredibly glad that Winston put me onto meditation and social media cleanses during college. Nhung taught me a lot about the nuances of healthy relationships, reciprocity, and the value of honest communication without judgment. Kurt showed me the feeling of being seen and appreciated- I always felt comfortable meeting up with him when I’d psyche myself out and felt toxic, too much, unlovable, and like I deserved to be lonely. In that sense he showed me the value of expressing gratitude both implicitly and explicitly- he’d help me feel secure and like he really appreciated knowing me and our friendship when I’d be on a mental spiral and hard on myself. Those experiences taught me the importance of passing that energy forward with my current relationships. I’m especially glad to be more comfortable in my own skin and accepting of myself.

Julie showed me how to love and feel more deeply than I honestly thought I had inside me. She grabbed my hand, pulled me out of my head, and taught me how to take action and make changes in my life instead of just wallowing in self-pity. From her I learned to not take life too seriously and how to leave my comfort zone and occasionally fuck around and find things out. I’m incredibly grateful that she showed me the colors and shades of life’s impressionist paintings (which often contrasted the rigid, grayscale sculptures in my head). I know from experience that there’s ways for me to be more dynamic- I’ve always liked the idea of surprising myself and others with some random shit they wouldn’t have guessed about me (while staying authentic and intentional and not spreading myself too thin)

These days I’ve been appreciating my current friendships and relationships more- I think it’s incredibly exciting and fulfilling to hear about other people’s experiences, observations, and growth stories. I’m immensely glad to be around such a dynamic, perceptive, and insightful group of people with great taste in music lol. It took a lot of work to get here but I think I’m right where I’m supposed to be

[mlasoulkey]

ok this isn't talked about enough and it's a crime

[mlasoulkey]

jet lag, japanese breakfast

[mlasoulkey]

25 felt like flying

[mlasoulkey]

How do I be, how do I be your baby?

[mlasoulkey]

coffee, friends, and indie folk

[mlasoulkey]

Travel and tell no one. Live a true love story and tell no one. Live happily and tell no one. People ruin beautiful things.

Khalil Gibran

[mlasoulkey]

I want to acknowledge all those who are making decisions to explore the unknown this year. Whether that be trying a new craft, going to therapy, attending school, traveling somewhere new, changing your look, practicing new behaviors and ways of being, reading a new author, applying for a job, starting a creative project, beginning a healing regime - or really doing anything that feels like a step into new territory. It’s important to recognize how much courage it takes to leave an established comfort zone in order to grow. Even if you’re taking baby steps you are still moving forward. You are brave. Keep going.