mmakehappy

[mmakehappy]

havent checked this blog in a while hi 

[mmakehappy]

“Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing.

It is making a spreadsheet of your debt and enforcing a morning routine and cooking yourself healthy meals and no longer just running from your problems and calling the distraction a solution.

It is often doing the ugliest thing that you have to do, like sweat through another workout or tell a toxic friend you don’t want to see them anymore or get a second job so you can have a savings account or figure out a way to accept yourself so that you’re not constantly exhausted from trying to be everything, all the time and then needing to take deliberate, mandated breaks from living to do basic things like drop some oil into a bath and read Marie Claire and turn your phone off for the day.

A world in which self-care has to be such a trendy topic is a world that is sick. Self-care should not be something we resort to because we are so absolutely exhausted that we need some reprieve from our own relentless internal pressure.

True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.

And that often takes doing the thing you least want to do.

It often means looking your failures and disappointments square in the eye and re-strategizing. It is not satiating your immediate desires. It is letting go. It is choosing new. It is disappointing some people. It is making sacrifices for others. It is living a way that other people won’t, so maybe you can live in a way that other people can’t.

It is letting yourself be normal. Regular. Unexceptional. It is sometimes having a dirty kitchen and deciding your ultimate goal in life isn’t going to be having abs and keeping up with your fake friends. It is deciding how much of your anxiety comes from not actualizing your latent potential, and how much comes from the way you were being trained to think before you even knew what was happening.

If you find yourself having to regularly indulge in consumer self-care, it’s because you are disconnected from actual self-care, which has very little to do with “treating yourself” and a whole lot do with parenting yourself and making choices for your long-term wellness.

It is no longer using your hectic and unreasonable life as justification for self-sabotage in the form of liquor and procrastination. It is learning how to stop trying to “fix yourself” and start trying to take care of yourself… and maybe finding that taking care lovingly attends to a lot of the problems you were trying to fix in the first place.

It means being the hero of your life, not the victim. It means rewiring what you have until your everyday life isn’t something you need therapy to recover from. It is no longer choosing a life that looks good over a life that feels good. It is giving the hell up on some goals so you can care about others. It is being honest even if that means you aren’t universally liked. It is meeting your own needs so you aren’t anxious and dependent on other people.

It is becoming the person you know you want and are meant to be. Someone who knows that salt baths and chocolate cake are ways to enjoy life – not escape from it.”

-Brianna Wiest, in Thought Catalog

[mmakehappy]

being a person who doesnt smoke weed has gotten me out of so many social situations and honestly its great. dont smoke weed kids. you can just hole up in your room instead

[mmakehappy]

i feel like part of me is like “i don’t care what pronouns people use for me as long as they’re being respectful! :)” but there’s a much bigger part that just goes “If A Man Uses She For Me One More Time I Will Kill Him And His Entire Family”

[mmakehappy]

i sort of cant stop dwelling on the fact that i have to wait (at least) 3 weeks for my school’s counseling center to match me w a therapist. like.... idk. i understand that theyre just doing their job and obviously i cant expect everyone to just drop what theyre doing so i can get help. but also like!!! i did my part! i fucking reached out and finally admitted i need help and now im being told to just sit tight. im fucking pissed off about it honestly. and i wish i somehow could have seen the future last month and been like “oh man theres a gigantic mental breakdown coming my way, better start prepping now” fucking hell

[mmakehappy]

these past few weeks have been really really hard

[mmakehappy]

my hot take as someone who has experienced the lowest of lows in terms of severe depression and anxiety and executive dysfunction: the whole “not everyone is neurotypical karen” mindset is legitimately damaging and destructive and ultimately will make you feel worse and more isolated

[mmakehappy]

its been 5 fucking years why do i still think about you

[mmakehappy]

there is a light at the end of whatever darkness you are facing and it is warm and embracing and as nurturing as the sun

[mmakehappy]

its like i lost the ability to be a somewhat functioning adult person........ all i do anymore is go to class (except i never pay attention), go to work (which in itself is a distraction from like the rest of my life bc all i do is brew coffee and clean), and go home (and when i do get home i literally take a shower and lock myself in my room i barely even cook dinner for myself) and its like!!!! i fucking need to stop it!!!!!! i know i do!!!!! theres like a lot of big things i need to be mentally present for (taxes, fafsa, registering for classes next quarter, STUDYING ABROAD THIS SUMMER MAYBE) and i fucking cannot even bring myself to plug my brain in and give a shit. what the fuck. what the fukc

[mmakehappy]

in stone butch blues leslie feinberg talked abt the 3 items of women’s clothing rule where the police who raided lesbian bars wld check to see how much these women were still upholding femininity. i have never been thru that but i remember reading it + how much it resonated w me. this rule has not been expelled from our cultures mentality… i remember telling a straight woman i was considering getting a buzzcut + the 1st thing she said was ‘oh, they look great w big hoop earrings.’ there’s like a sort of balancing act where for every item of men’s clothing u’ve got to do penance thru makeup + accessories……. + its got everything to do w reassuring the person viewing you, who might feel challenged by ur shirt or jacket or jeans + so needs to be able to look down n take comfort from the pair of heels on ur feet. saddest manifestation is definitely when we internalize it– when the fear of being marked not-woman makes us wear sth we hate, just for some tie 2 femininity. the more masculine the clothing, the thicker the makeup

[mmakehappy]

Sweet mother, I cannot weave – slender Aphrodite has overcome me with longing for a girl.

Sappho, from Sappho: A New Translation of the Complete Works tr. Diane Rayor (via lifeinpoetry)

[mmakehappy]

Moonlight (2016) dir. Barry Jenkins

[mmakehappy]

Dichen Lachman in a conversation about race, discourse, diversity & representation with regards to her new show Altered Carbon. (more) (video)

[mmakehappy]

Ominous clouds in the distance on a sunny day. April 12th, 2016.

[mmakehappy]

so i found out today that one of my roommates and her friend have both started to wear binders occasionally and like. i got very weirdly jealous about that and i dont even know if its bc i would also like to try wearing a binder OR if im just pissed off that theyre like. confident enough to experiment w wearing a binder if that makes sense. they both also wear masculine clothes a lot and i get jealous of that too bc they always look really good and i would love to dress that way if i didnt look so fucking lame and stupid in button up shirts. ive basically had the same stupid wardrobe since high school except w some turtlenecks thrown in

[mmakehappy]

i have SO MANY THINGS TO DO this next week and a half hahhahahahhaaahahah!!!!!!!!!