mmmuuuiiiirrr - Tumblr blog

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INTERNSHIP THOUGHTS

We found out that there’s gonna be an award for the most proficient intern at the end of the internship. Lowkey anxious and defeated because I really want that to be awarded to me because I need some sense of achievement these days. Though, i think it’s really not possible because I wasn’t able to stand put in both histopathology and OPD. I only ever showed my skills when I got to CM because of the individual duties. Also, putting this here for memory’s sake: Naperfect ko exam ni Ma’am and Im proud of that. At the same time, i also feel divided bc i only got one point above the passing score in our shifting exam so I think i wasn’t able to make Ma’am K proud. this matters a lot to me bc this is the only time that ive felt visible,seen,appreciated. At furst, i though i was attracted to her but it turned its only the level of respect i have for her, sir c type of way, which made me set high stabdards for myself.

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konti nalang, im going to unalive myself <3

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feb 3, 2022

my dog died yesterday,, i wasnt supposed to put this here but im overwhelmed with emotions. oreo was one of the best friends ive had. i had him for only two years but in that span of time, we played a lot, kissed him goodnight, hugged him, and i treated him as if he were a real human being. he was there whenever i needed someone to confide in-- he witnessed how i broke down because of my subs last year, even for this year’s 1st semester. this is why i find it so difficult to just get over his death. ive been crying straight for a day now cause i miss him so much, im not used to spending the day without taunting him because he would always playbite. during meals, id always give him the biggest share because i wanted him to be chubby (he was the only boi among my doggos, so he was a bit spoiled). we had a really special connection, so now im kind of lost. a while ago, when i was feeding his siblings, i still called his name bc i never want to forget how that feels. im putting this here bc it sucks that i dont have someone to share it to--who also has the same grief that i do. the ones i call parents are so emotionally distant that they don’t even care to sit down with me and comfort me. they always want o escape instead and divert their attention to my cousins. i kind of really feel alone in my house, it hurts so much because i feel like ive been neglected. im always left to deal with my feelings alone.i dont want this anymore, i really want to kill myself. i saw a quote before saying we must never hate people for not giving the same amount of love that we pour. but how?? in my situation, who am i left with then? arent parents supposed to shower their children with so much love?? why shouldnt i hate and blame them?? if in the first place,  before they started a family, they shouldve fixed themselves and ensured that they know how to love instead of giving me trauma..

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Cutest mom ever <3

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im thinking of all the pets that ive already lost, the loved ones who were once with us sharing what we thought were life’s greatest moments,, and how they were gone in what seemed like a blink of an eye... i hate how all of these memories will linger until one person remains,, and then it’s going to be permanently deleted off the face of the universe once that person dies, or forgets,, i think it’s just unfair how a life can seem to not matter because of death

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i keep thinking about what could have been and what will be,,, with this state that im in, will i end up being a good doctor someday?? or would i have been happy in archaeology if i had ended up choosing it over med?? life is so unpredictable and i hate that we dont have total control of everything that happens around us,, i hate the heartbreaks, and grief, and the short-lived bursts of happiness,, sometimes i think it’s better to not feel at all--- to not be human-- to be cold and uncaring.

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i wanna leave this hellhole, i want to abandon everyone,, i hate you all i hate myself putangina talaga ninyong lahat i want to punch your faces fuck u fuck friends, fuck relatives, heres a cosmic dick to slap all of you until you all bleed to death tangina niyong lahat without exceptions im so fucking tired of all of you 

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tangina talaga people are so unbearable,,, tangina im still fucking fuming, this fucking outburst fucking destryed my focus for review,, tangina niyong laht pakyu gusto ko nang magpakamatay tnagin aaopwiug kdflgcdlkUASJCBAscdkl

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tangina talaga i rarely break down these days, pero pag ako napuno im going to fucking kill myelf over the simplest of reasons fucku

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if i could drive, i would have intentionally crashed a car into a tree by now just to fucking kill myself

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“magsalita ka rin”

girl, just because i didnt utter anything during our consultation doesnt mean im not with the same page as them. have u even bothered to check the story behind?? kung sino in the first place ang gumawa??? madaldal lang yang mga yan to compensate on being shunga on the project itself??? grabe kasi the audacity of those bitches??? So hungry for the spotlight, so petty

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watching pr0n but thinking about suicide

,, best option would be drug overdose,, accessible n quick

i lock my room anyways, and if i do it at night time,, they’ll never be suspicious until afternoon of the next day

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my parents are always the first ones to make me feel bad about myself,, there are no fucking excuses,, im so mad i just wanna leave home i fucking hate them

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am i an efan?? bc i wanna off myself

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self harm: spicy food edition

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boohoo got too fat, now my knife isnt even effective in scratching my arms