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Evil-Mart provides a vast array of tools and gadgets that is essential for the common villain-of-the-week. You work as a cashier there. Unfortunately all your coworkers mysteriously called in sick today, so you alone have to handle the long line of increasingly disgruntled customers.

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can't stop laughing about that post that said Geralt would love ibuprophen bc yes. i think there are a lot of fantasy characters who wouldn't take pain meds from our world bc they simply would be like "i don't see the need" but geralt would be that guy who asks you to hand him some ibuprophen from your purse and you'd get out 2 and he'd say, "oh I usually take 6" and you'd say "how?? long have you been taking 6 ibuprophen at a time???" and he'd be like "i don't know, always? does it matter?" and suddenly all his recent acute GI symptoms would start making sense but also it could be unrelated because honestly what data would you have on how witcher bodies are affected by NSAIDs? you hand him 6 and hope for the best.

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To have the highest incarceration per capita rate in the world, Vatican City would need to imprison 13 people.

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everybody loves the gif but I feel like this moment can only truly be enjoyed with the audio so here

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i promise you being polite isnt that hard try it for once

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I'm like if a chivalrous knight kissed a fair maiden's hand and said "my lady, I fight for you" and then walked off and immediately tripped over his own armor and fell on the ground

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Practice makes perfect:

@urbantheory

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Me: “The food webs we try to teach children and the public are too simple to get the point across. Why do they never bother to show the more intricate relationships between specific species? It can’t be that hard to represent with basic teaching tools... I’ll make the thing!”

The thing:

Me: “....I get it now.”

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i worked at a park with a famous cliff people do indeed keep falling off and one day someone said, "why don't you just close off the trail?" and i said, "we can't make people make good decisions. we also can't close the Outside."

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Genies can only grant wishes that are things that an ordinary person could do, just better and faster. The jinn are the creations of a divine being, and so they are part of the divine plan and cannot defy the natural order of things; a wish granted by a jinni can’t turn the day into night or the sea into yogurt, but if you wish for a temple to be built, a jinni will build it by hand, the way men do, and have it done in a day.

If you need a wish granted that defies the natural order you gotta catch a leprechaun, because no god was involved in their creation whatsoever. They just kinda showed up one day in the nineteenth century. The Aos Sí have no idea what their deal is

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Protip: When you're doing the nsaid/acetomenphen chain for pain management, and you FINALLY feel enough relief that you can sleep, you should do that-

BUT

At some point you're going to wake up. It will be close to the time for your next dose, but you feel ok and are comfy cozy. You will think I'll take it easy on my liver and delay taking the next dose.

THAT IS THE DEVIL SPEAKING.

STAY ON TOP OF YOUR PAIN.

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In the D&D campaign I'm running with my wife's siblings, one of them learned about how trolls regenerate within minutes of any damage not caused by fire or acid, and then asked why people don't just like. Cage them and eat them, forever. Why there aren't troll meat dungeons in the king's castle as a safeguard against sieges or famines.

And you know, I thought it was a fair question, so I said that if you eat enough troll meat, you start getting troll-y. And then I went further and just treated it like troll flesh is a general contaminant - if you eat enough troll, you'll turn into a troll, but if you bury enough dead troll flesh in a forest, the trees will start growing in strange ways, and will scream and heal and bleed when you hit them with axes.

I liked this idea. So as we played further, I just played around with the idea of Troll Origins, and I came up with something sort of like the Odyssey, but instead stealing Helios's cattle, it was Hathor's, and the horrible, awful, unending immortality was her curse of the army that pillaged her lands. A god of healing does not condemn you to die, she condemns you to live.

And then I got this fun idea for maybe the king that led the army is still kind of alive in the troll taint. Like a sort of literal fisher king. The kingdom is sick because he is, literally, the kingdom. The trees that bleed, bleed his blood and their screams are his screams. He is both the faintly green bear running down the mountain and the faintly green deer and there is no way past this without suffering. He is the entire ecosystem, and he eats nothing but himself and he dreams nothing but death and yet still, on and on and on and on, he lives.

Anyway they're traveling next session so I'm throwing this shit at them. I already have some gross ideas for like. Describing everything like it's a body (flowers red as blood, white as bone, pink as meat, grass fine as hair) then finally throwing horrible living things at them. Trees that grow eyeballs that turn and stare at them, or flowers with teeth instead of petals and trolls that speak in long dead tongues about how they wish they'd never tried to rob a god.

Anyway I'm passing this on because this is my new troll lore and I want it to become canonized in the way that all D&D lore becomes canonized: By having eople read it and go "oh, neat" then start doing that too.

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A cartoon where Elmer Fudd gets married and gives up hunting Bugs Bunny to live happily with his wife only to discover 30 years into a blissful relationship that his wife was actually Bugs the entire time and also their three wonderful children were also Bugs