monetizeyourcat-blog

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

hey, this girl was going to stay with me before my domestic situation wound up falling apart. i don't know how many people are still following me who are trans ladies in the pacific northwest but if anyone is or anyone sees this please help rachel. she deserves it

For those who don’t know, positronicwoman is one of the kindest, most generous, and supportive women I have ever known. She has helped me through so much in the years I’ve known her, and has grown to become one of my closest friends even though I’ve never had the good fortune to meet her in-person.

She has helped me realise who I am, helped pull me out of the deepest pits of depression I’ve gone through, and has even sent gifts to show how much of a friend she is and how she’s always there for me no matter what. And I know for a fact that she has helped, supported, loved, and cared for many others, also introducing us all together and inadvertently creating an incredibly tight-knit community of close friends.

Right now she is suffering through incredibly tough times. She has had to run away across the United States, from Michigan to Seattle, to escape her father, but after a year of stable living she is now facing homelessness or moving in with a person known to be abusive, who was the only person able to offer her a room. What she needs right now is a place to stay, with other transgender/queer femme people in the area that she can feel safe with. That doesn’t mean money won’t help though.

I am asking all of my followers and any of your own who reblog this, please help. Please at least share this if you can’t contribute yourself. I’ve set up this page myself, with the goal only being a soft cap and more of a general idea of what might be able to support her for some time. So even five dollars will mean a lot. 

Please help a young trans woman survive in this day and age.

She means so much to so many people and the world wouldn’t be the same without her.

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

i have confirmation that i'm going to need to be out of my current place by the end of the month

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i was wrong about the horizon on me being homeless being november. my roommates already left the lease, and their roommate made arrangements without consulting me. unless we can figure something out i am going to have to be out of here in a week

even if anyone trusted me to stay with them they shouldn't, and the only fallback i have is people with horrifying amounts of power over me and a history of abusive behavior on trans and mental illness shit

i don't know what i'm going to do

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

if iv'e hurt you and you want restitution i will be happy to give it however i can

i think in general the rumor mill flying about me is a mix of shit that is demonstrably wrong, shit that's a matter of interpretation, and shit i have no memory of being the way people are saying it is

but i still know that i've hurt people and i want to change that

i want to do better. all i've ever wanted is to be among friends and to be loved

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

i should clarify that people are claiming i'm rich and white and i'm neither of those things

my dad recently came into money (like, last year). i grew up poor and i've been part of a family that was barely middle class from college until a couple of years ago.

i've always relied on them for material support because i'm a fucking cripple. i have a strained and hostile relationship with my parents. they are intensely transmisogynist and ableist i get enough to eat on and help pay part of rent. in exchange i live in fear that they're going to cut me off every time they start aggressively misgendering me and buttonholing me to tell me horrifying stories about trans women.

i have about $60 to my name. i get $500 every month. most of the stability of my living situation is because one of my girlfriends was rich.

as for whiteness, my grandma is native and litvak and i spent most of my life trying to be white and being subject to antisemitism and general white supremacist shit that i tried to convince myself was incidental. i absorbed a lot of bullshit racism and spewed it out for a long time, and a large part of the last year has been trying to figure out where my place in everything is and trying to find a sense of belonging with other people who have spent their lives believing they're "basically white" because their backgrounds are whitewashed

i know i have overstepped doing this, and i overstepped a lot before too

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

i also don't remember ever wishing anyone would detransition. i remember wishing people would be more comfortable existing as more and other than binary dudes. if you're someone i treated in that way i'm sorry, i never meant to

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

i really don't remember defending kateplus in the way people are saying i did either. i remember feeling that callouts were dangerous and that something needed to be done to keep an eye on dangerous trans women without letting them too close or forgetting they were trans women.

people have come to me saying that i asked that kateplus be invited into dyk, and i never made that decision and fought against it. i don't remember wanting anyone to be friends with her and i remember telling people who were friends with her to be careful

this is another case where it's very likely my memory is wrong. i don't understand what i was doing

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

i am going to try and be alone. in the medium term, i am going to be without a place to live. everyone i could trust to fall back on is uncomfortable with me at best. i'm more afraid than anything of being forced into my parents' care because every indication i get is that in the long run this is going to lead to being institutionalized or detransitioned or both, neither of which i'm prepared to live with.

i will be alive and well at least through november, i promise. until then the handful of you who haven't unfriended me might want to do so. i'm not safe or healthy. i think if nothing else it's obvious i'm batshit insane in a way that makes me dangerous

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

my memory of events is completely wrong.

i remember offering quinn a place to stay, permanently if she wanted, and being explicit about that from the word go. i remember offering to pay for a ticket to and from portland, and when she expressed misgivings about the situation in portland i remember offering to help her get a ticket anywhere else, including oakland or seattle.

i remember us being friends since late 2013. i remember my other friends in general wanting my presence and not being afraid of or in contempt of me. i remember the idea of visiting me being something we batted around from early on, and my house always having been on offer to her as a place she could stay long-term.

i remember being pushed towards sex, both towards accepting sex as a possibility and, when she got into portland, being pushed faster into sex than i was comfortable with. i remember things going too fast for me but trying my best to keep up. i remember asking her if it was what she wanted before and during everything we did.

i remember shortly after that, being isolated in my own home. i remember wanting to be part of something cozy and loving, and being treated like a monster. i remember quinn joining sam in arguments with me, which i remember happening continuously and being impossible for me to get away from.

i remember sam's anger being everywhere. i remember her being furious and entitled that i didn't want to have sex with her. i remember her being livid that i had friends. i remember her continuing to get into fights with me about having people over even after we formally broke up, because she felt betrayed. i remember her touching me in ways i didn't want to be touched and acting like i wanted it and never forgiving me for being upset by that. i remember her being so entitled to my physical affection and emotional maintenance i couldn't breathe.

i remember being forced to leave my own home, because in the end i couldn't even just stay in my room without sam's anger following me in. i remember being browbeaten into taking $500 from a shared budget of $2500 - which i remember the plan being to split four ways - and then being harassed for spending it poorly

these and other things i remember the way i remember. people who i remember corroborating my memories in whole or in part have rejected them, and now corroborate a version of events that is at best familiar but incomplete and at worst totally unfamiliar.

there are records, and there are witnesses, and i don't want to look into any of them because it hurts too goddamn much. i can't even go back and confirm that the way i remember things is wrong

i regret that i did what i did, and i regret that i misremember it. i want so badly to remember things the way people are saying they happened but i can't. i am fucking crazy and that's all there is to it. i want to apologize but i think with how little i understand the situation i'm not even morally competent to

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

sam thought i was arrogant. thought i knew better how to be a woman than she did. she thought i was trying to escape from responsibility for male privilege. i apologized for everything i did, i told her how much i regretted it, i tried to make things up to her. she was never happy with it and isn't happy with it. i was domineering and condescending and controlling with her when we were together as man and wife, and when i came out i asked for us to part sexually. she wasn't ready for that. i asked to be in love with other people. she wasn't ready for that. she was so mad that i was ready to leave the past behind, and ready to be another person. i don't know if i was ever another person in actuality. i was just playing games with words, just dressing myself up in a new package. i never stopped being the arrogant, selfish nerd boy i grew up as. i just developed new hobbies.

if you followed me for some big cool lady who turned things around, you deserved better than me. i've never been that. i'm controlling and superior and abusive. i was always in social power over everyone around me. i don't understand how but i do understand that i was. i was only ever going to use that power for horrible things.

sorry that i tried to present myself as someone that could be trusted, sorry i tried to be around people who i held that power over. i should never have done this. my loneliness was never an excuse and neither was anything else that's happened to me. i don't deserve the sense of community i had with people who were only ever going to be my victims.

you've all been wonderful to me and i never deserved it. take care of the girls in your life, take care of yourself

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

i don't know who this is but i don't feel like they're wrong or should be dismissed out of hand

I'm sure none of the people you're tiffing with would have the honesty to tell you this, but you ARE a man. And that's not to say that trans women are men, just that you aren't a trans woman. I think you know it, which is why you're so mad about people pointing it out all the time, and why you admit things like you "chose" to do this for "political" reasons. I would really like it if you would take this opportunity to start staying away from trans women. You can't be trusted, dude.

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

whenever i asked for things i assumed people were able to tell me no. whenever i got into arguments i assumed people were able to disagree with me. i didn't realize then, and have resisted accepting until now, that that wasn't the case. people were afraid of how domineering and powerful and loud i was. i treated this as being degendered because that's how it felt, but it's not. it's who i was and who i am. i'm sorry to everyone i did this to

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

this is true. i am not being flip. i am mentally ill and abusive. i should not be in anyone's life. i behaved in an abusive and irresponsible way to several people who were only close because i never let on how out of my fucking mind i was. when they tried to remove me because they were scared of my illness and my social power, i refused to let go.

please let go of me now, i don't believe i can be trusted or should be trusted, and i don't see any circumstances where i could be worthy of that trust. i am dangerous. the ways i have been abused myself don't justify or mitigate that.

i am irrational and dangerous and don’t consider myself trustworthy around vulnerable people

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

i'm going to be making a personal blog because i want to have friends but i also should not have the kind of reach and influence this blog offers me. if you want it please ask

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

please don't hold any of this against my loved ones. they were never part of any of this. if anyone has been victims of my crazy bullshit it's them

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

i hallucinate. i have avoided telling people this because i want them to treat me as more credible than by any rights i am.

i imagine people having defamatory and hostile conversations behind my back. i imagine people saying things they never said to me, and me saying things i never said to people. i lose my sense of direction, my sense of place. i think i'm somewhere i'm not. i forget what day or year it is.

i don't know what this is. it has been part of my life since i was young, and it began to intensify when i was 12 years old. i have been put on medication for it and nothing has been effective.

my interactions with others are so substantially imaginary that it's impossible to keep track of who has hurt me, or what boundaries i have set or which of them have been crossed. i have found myself thinking people have hurt me who i know didn't. i have found myself imagining histories of abuse against me which i can verify are not true

i am not stable. i am not well. i don't think that's an excuse for how things have been; i think it's something i want people to know in case i am part of their lives again. i am not to be trusted. i am selfish and i have a tenuous grasp on reality.

i'm sorry. i wanted to be better than all that, but i was not. i never was.

[monetizeyourcat-blog]

i am irrational and dangerous and don't consider myself trustworthy around vulnerable people