monk-of-suffering

[monk-of-suffering]

i have so much that I want to, and its not that I can't do all of it, its that I'm not doing any of it

If I had to pick a word to describe my life, it wouldn't be "fulfilled", it would be "pathetic".

Is it really worth all the effort? Stress? Anxiety? Not in a dying way, just... I dunno, giving up. Stop trying to be a developer, even for fun. Get evicted and go live with family and be on disability. Forever. Trapped.

Or just go be on the streets? God that sounds so privileged. I cannot stand the cold for 2 minutes. I literally dont know how people on the streets stay alive or not lose fingers to frostbite. It makes my heart ache because I don't somehow deserve warmth more than they do, yet here I lay, doing the bare minimum.

Im just tired. Tired of all the effort but without the reward, because I'm putting my effort into bullshit. I could choose to try be better and I don't. I'm stuck in this little bubble world where i do just enough to get by. Is it worth it? Is it?

[monk-of-suffering]

i'm thinking of moving to mastodon instead of bluesky. i would collapse all monks into 1 account, so that'd be totally different.

they're both similar and great but i like the decentralization. bluesky is owed by a benefit corporation which is great, but ultimately it's still for profit. cynical but i think it is inevitable to become the Algorithm. just needs time. maybe even like 10 years, but it could become just like twitter is now. though hopefully at least not owned by a fascist.

mastodon, on the other hand, doesn't have this malady. or at least not as easily. if an instance becomes toxic or too corporate, all the other instances just ban it. cut off the tumor.

there is the possibility that the biggest mast instance is where everyone stays even after the cut off. if that is how people choose, then that is how people choose, and we will have to live with the consequences.

[monk-of-suffering]

I got called out by my partner in a very big and good way. they said "if you ever feel like making a tumblr post about me, can you just come to me instead?"

Monk is definitely where I come to when I feel like I have no other outlet but must scream somewhere and thus into the void. which was an okay coping strategy when I had no relationship, but now I should share what I'm feeling with the person who is willing to listen. Now if there's a communication channel open and I don't take it, that's become unhealthy.

it's harder, obviously, but it was such a good callout and I needed it.

[monk-of-suffering]

I'd like to go on record that I just dealt with a case with Salesforce Support without replying frustratedly. The closest I got was "please advise on next steps"

I'm making progress on myself

[monk-of-suffering]

The world is quiet here

[monk-of-suffering]

may your days be filled with love, joy, and peace 💟

[monk-of-suffering]

the immense cheerkery life has of leading me to a place where I feel ready and able to fight for my right to be alive just before a time when I will very most likely need to.

[monk-of-suffering]

well. here we are.

[monk-of-suffering]

"What a complete and separate thing I am, she thought, going from my red toes to the top of my head, individually an I, possessed of attributes belonging only to me."

The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson

[monk-of-suffering]

I should also say, I don't mind any of it! I smile every time I talk to someone about this regardless as to what they say because I know who I am inside and I feel confident and happy in it. So when I say I don't care, I mean I am not wishing that they were acting a different way.

I just appreciate that I have people who care enough to ask these questions, because ultimately it's from a place of care and seeking to understand and I love them all so much for that. I would never let any kind of word or label come between us as long as I know they are trying and I'm so grateful to have so many people who are trying.

I love them all so much when I think of those people in my life. My heart feels so full.

people assume that my recent name change had something to do with gender even though when they've asked me about it, i've never said anything to indicate that. they ask about my pronouns which is the kind thing to do if they are unsure but I still find funny.

if anything i said my gender identity isn't changing -or maybe explicitly expressed as continuing to change as it has- but people hear what they want to hear. i find it amusing that after breaking/having broken out of some gender buckets, people immediately find a new bucket to stick you in, LGBTQ and advocates and all. humans are just wired to compartmentalize that way I guess.

[monk-of-suffering]

i just don't care. if you press me against the wall i say they/them because I see it as the least specific. if people want to expend energy on finding a word to call me that sums up my gender to them i can't stop them. labels are supposed to help define who one is, not what category one falls into; I don't have a real specific label right now and I'm not desperate to find one.

people assume that my recent name change had something to do with gender even though when they've asked me about it, i've never said anything to indicate that. they ask about my pronouns which is the kind thing to do if they are unsure but I still find funny.

if anything i said my gender identity isn't changing -or maybe explicitly expressed as continuing to change as it has- but people hear what they want to hear. i find it amusing that after breaking/having broken out of some gender buckets, people immediately find a new bucket to stick you in, LGBTQ and advocates and all. humans are just wired to compartmentalize that way I guess.

[monk-of-suffering]

No it's not that, it's my brain's state being separate from all the trauma I could not get over; I look back on the me from the last 20 years and, compared to this new subjective qualia, I find no similarities. It took 20 years of hard work but my mind has been ship-of-Theseus'd to where nothing of the original remains. It might not appear to change on the outside but everything is different for me.

"How about hormones?"

people assume that my recent name change had something to do with gender even though when they've asked me about it, i've never said anything to indicate that. they ask about my pronouns which is the kind thing to do if they are unsure but I still find funny.

if anything i said my gender identity isn't changing -or maybe explicitly expressed as continuing to change as it has- but people hear what they want to hear. i find it amusing that after breaking/having broken out of some gender buckets, people immediately find a new bucket to stick you in, LGBTQ and advocates and all. humans are just wired to compartmentalize that way I guess.

[monk-of-suffering]

My subjective conscious experience - qualia - is so different i legitimately experience the world as a new person.

"So you're trans now?"

people assume that my recent name change had something to do with gender even though when they've asked me about it, i've never said anything to indicate that. they ask about my pronouns which is the kind thing to do if they are unsure but I still find funny.

if anything i said my gender identity isn't changing -or maybe explicitly expressed as continuing to change as it has- but people hear what they want to hear. i find it amusing that after breaking/having broken out of some gender buckets, people immediately find a new bucket to stick you in, LGBTQ and advocates and all. humans are just wired to compartmentalize that way I guess.

[monk-of-suffering]

people assume that my recent name change had something to do with gender even though when they've asked me about it, i've never said anything to indicate that. they ask about my pronouns which is the kind thing to do if they are unsure but I still find funny.

if anything i said my gender identity isn't changing -or maybe explicitly expressed as continuing to change as it has- but people hear what they want to hear. i find it amusing that after breaking/having broken out of some gender buckets, people immediately find a new bucket to stick you in, LGBTQ and advocates and all. humans are just wired to compartmentalize that way I guess.

[monk-of-suffering]

Me, in the ER with IVs and monitors hooked up n shit:

"i did say that i would push forward until i collapsed, but is this really a 'collapse'?"

[monk-of-suffering]

"what do you mean when you say 'care'?"

asking "how are you?" sincerely and actively listening in your conversation with her

especially when it looks like or you know they are having a hard time.

your sincerity is personal and it is unique to your relationship

its not enough to listen because you know you should, or that it will make her happy

you have to empathize.

start with that.