monologuesjournaliers - Tumblr blog

[monologuesjournaliers]

"i can be alone with you"

last week i stumbled upon a post of someone i've been following for a good decade (time definitely flies). it was about her new boyfriend and her ability to say that she could be alone while being with him, and that it was one of the best compliments she could ever give to somebody else. she said that as the artist and introvert she is, and we know how much artists and introverts enjoy their solitude. this is where the magic happens and batteries recharge. this is way more than enjoyable, is fact: this is mandatory for them to function properly.

i've always identified myself as an introvert too, yet i do not think that this sentence is to be applied to introverts alone. i really do think that to properly function as a human being, one needs to be able to spend quality time with their own self and enjoy their own company, like one would enjoy the company of a good friend. because if one can for sure use the term "forever" to define the longevity of a relationship, it would be logical to apply it to the one you have with yourself, since your mind and spirit and body are glued to each other until the end of your time. and experience in this matter tells me that indeed, when you get to know yourself and begin to enjoy your own company, being able to remain in that solo comfortable state, in that peace, in that ease, in that authenticity, while also physically and romantically being with somebody else is quite something. this is actually what scared me the most when considering being in a relationship again, because i could not bear the idea of losing the freedom and the authenticity i found while being single. i guess it's a promise you have to make to yourself, just like you make the promise to still spend time alone with your friends while being in a couple.

"i can be alone with you" is another way of saying "i can be myself with you", "alone" meaning here "who i am when i am alone" or "who i am when nobody's watching". that implies knowing who "i" is, both with and without people around. it implies knowing the core of who you are, what is feels to be yourself and if you allow yourself to be authentic with the people around you. it also implies liking that solo state enough to want to protect it at all costs. and i find it very beautiful to be able to do all of that, this pure act of self love, while also loving somebody else.

[monologuesjournaliers]

feeling teeny tiny in a giant universe and feeling the peace that immediately comes when we see or experience beautiful things are two of the most powerful feelings to me. the first one makes you realise you’re not that important, which is both humbling and reassuring, while implying you’re still part of a whole, which is also both humbling and reassuring. the second leaves you speechless because the conflict stops at last. because there’s nothing to say. you just have to shut the fuck up and let beauty light up your cells. you don’t have to think. you don’t have to do anything really other than open your eyes wide and receive. you let go of control, you let go of expectations, you let go of anything that doesn’t serve you. you’re busy being a witness of something that is both you and something outside of you, something so magical you wonder why the hell you get trapped in trivial human things sometimes, because what matters is somewhere else. so you look at the moon, you look at the sun even though is hurts a bit, you look at the waves, you look at wind in between the leaves because beauty is fucking everywhere, you just have to look. and one day you scroll social media and you stumble upon these new NASA pictures, and you realise this is a hell of a good post, engagement wise, because you cannot help but stop and stare at these pics for seconds that turn into minutes. you stare and you think fuck this is pure beauty, this is pure magic, this is what we need to see as tiny human beings slowly burning in the third heatwave of the season, this is what i want my attention to go to, seeing beautiful things and reminding myself everyday that we are surrounded by pure beauty everywhere, that we are pure beauty as well, and that all it takes for us to feel that is to know how to look.

[monologuesjournaliers]

i guess you have to (re)start somewhere

i’m seated at my round white dinner table, the one i bought two years ago in a attempt to make my first own parisian flat, small yet unbelievably wide -at least that’s how i felt inside of it- a little bit more stylish but also practical, since my kitchen/living room was only ten square meters, which makes it impossible to have a kitchen table, a fridge and a couch at the same time. i first bought a rectangular wooden table, which was fine at the beginning but proved to be way to big for the space soon after, so i bought this round immaculate table instead. i like round things, they make me think of the moon or the sun. and i really like the moon and the sun. anyways. i’m seated here today, the 13th of july, at a familiar table but in a new environment, since i’m writing from the flat i now rent with my boyfriend. all of this is very unexpected, the boyfriend and the new flat, and yet it never felt more right. which makes me think that unexpected turns often lead to the most beautiful routes. this route definitely gets me back to myself, which is delightful since i feel like i lost a good part of who i am somewhere this past year, and i’m happy to get it back. not all of it, just the part of me that enjoyed her little morning routine with huge lattes and words. i feel like i get her back when i write, right now, at this old/new kitchen table which has already seen a lot of me during the years. it’s like an old friend. that thought made me smile. the point of all of this is to plug back to this flow i felt, this urge to write in the mornings. i have so many journals. i love all of them. i can feel i already like this new digital one, so cheers to (re)starting again.