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my neighbor is a zizek bro :\

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might have inadvertently been exposed earlier this week, in the dumbest way thanks to the actions of my partners family members who so regularly demonstrate their irresponsibility. feeling a bit off which could be start of symptoms or due to lack of proper sleep and nutrition (as always). in any case an appropriate way to end the year

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found an idyllic apartment to move to in brooklyn, with plenty of garden space and everything! always hate moving but maybe this time can be different ? (lol)

also funny thinking of moving to nyc as the next wave is hitting there hard, hoping it will all feel worth it once spring comes around and things start getting warmer out. planning to apply to some tutoring job as well to hopefully get a few extra hours that make the cost of living in nyc not so crushing, i am definitely not the breadwinner while still surviving on my grad student stipend.

still struggling to write my freaking papers, hoping i will have drafts of everything im currently working on by the new year? need to finish these and move on to see what else i might be able to accomplish in this last year before applying to postdocs and jobs. im recognizing this tendency of not being totally satisfied with whatever it is im doing but rather than just finish it to move on to the next thing i hold onto it and drag it out which ultimately just prevents me from getting to anything else. wondering what my grad school experience could have been like if i had just finished some things in a timely manner and gave myself some more room to mature. the whole experience kind of feels like a self imposed limitation of preventing myself from learning and going deeper, instead retaining suspension at surface level

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i ordered this lock from bulgaria, made in italy

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my only surviving grandparent has alzheimers and is nonverbal, we were never really that close, compared to the other three. i used to see her like once a year or so for a brief visit with my family, but not for a few years now due to the pandemic. had a dream last night that i saw her and she recognized me and smiled and waved, we embraced and i cried

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the other prof said i should hold off on the postdoc offer that dropped in my lap because i could get something ‘much better’ by waiting and applying next year. is he for real? do i actually have a chance?

im in the seventh year of my phd and would be applying next year during my eighth. this is ‘highly unusual’ and its unclear if it would affect my chances or not. i guess most people dont get depressed and waste five years getting almost nothing accomplished

its a continued to be a struggle to find motivation and keep the momentum going, it didnt help that my advisor left in my third year, and while he continued to advise me remotely hes always been very passive and never pushed me much, and i didnt reach out to others to have more people to engage with until the pandemic

ive managed to get better at that in the last year or so as ive collaborated more, the regular interaction with others and working on several projects has been stimulating but still have a hard time sitting down to write things up and finish them off

so do i actually enjoy this stuff or am i just kidding myself ? i dont really know what else i’d rather be doing…. would a fancy postdoc be the environment i need to keep the ball rolling or would i crumble under the pressure? i’d rather just not have to work and get to see my friends and ‘enjoy life’ whatever that means, but maybe that would get old and be ultimately unfulfilling anyway.

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hhh i spoke with another prof i’m working with about the postdoc offer and my deliberations have just gotten more complicated, I guess I really just have to follow my heart? But I’ve never known how to listen to her, whats she trying to say?

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**disclaimer**

letters ordered by a volatile being

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tashi and i have been dating for like 3 years now, and it’s pretty cool that we’ve managed to live together and support each other for 20 months now through the pandemic. as challenging as it can be living in isolation with one other person its amazing how we’ve managed to make it work!

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sounds like a measure no one could possibly live up to, unfortunately

makes me think of…. everything that is perceived being only a reflection of something internal cast outward…. but, of course there is some influence of the outside on those reflections. this feels opposite to how it would normally be framed (the existent external thing being framed somewhat by internal forces). i must be getting my topologies twisted, or maybe theyre each just as good

“it is a disservice to a person to not perceive them the way they really are”

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i monitor with a fitbit that tashi got me a little while ago. it also tracks your sleep which is pretty cool. and your steps. ive become more aware of these things and how extremely sedentary i generally am. i go on walks more regularly than i used, but the heart rate is still too low with that as you say. when i was in nyc for a week i walked so much though, so a plus of moving there is i will surely be walking even more. tashi also got an elliptical which is how i usually get my heart rate up but i dont use it as much as i should. i feel like jumping rope is too coordination intensive cus when i try i always mess up after not too many jumps and its annoying but maybe if i were to do it more that would subside

okay so my heart rate is much too high. it’s been an average of 90-120. 50-100 is normal, 50-70 is ideal. i think there could be covid factors at play but i get to keep this pulse finger thing after i leave so i will check. i will go to a doctor anyway. it’s because i never exercise. -_- i walk but i don’t get my heart rate up enough … dave was always right … -_- … i will try to start with jump rope …

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damn uh…. this guy im working with sorta just offered me a postdoc?

i planned on waiting till next year to apply places so i would have a few more things published first, but he said he could probably get me thr position for next year if i apply?

he said maybe i would want a more fancy position though, its at a national lab rather than some fancy university. i would have to apply to those next year once i have a better publishing record (hopefully) and then apply to various places and see what my options are. not sure if this same position would be available next year or not, the grant he has is for three years so if i didnt get on it till 2023 it’d only have a year left and then have to get renewed or go elsewhere

also said they seem chill about people working remotely though? so i could presumably stay in nyc mostly and make the 2ish hr commute to br**haven on occasion. i also think hes moving to boston for a new position next year though so will he even be around?

much to think about

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staring update: awake and alone