moteldogs

[moteldogs]

whoever writes the nyt connections categories is experiencing joan of arc type visions & hallucinations

[moteldogs]

resorting to the ancient wisdom of asthma cigarette (coughing so hard from the smoke and dust at work that I have to smoke a dart to quit coughing)

[moteldogs]

This poem is about Operator's experience being in a powerchair/electric wheelchair. Operator asks that you do not remove the context of disability from this piece.

Full text below the cut:

MACHINE-AND-OPERATOR

Early in the morning Operator moves without Machine. Slow, limbs uncontrolled, Falling and dragging the broken Operator body throughout the Box.  Sometimes it crawls. You cannot fall if you are already on the ground. Outside of the Box, there is no Operator--no singular being.  Machine-and-Operator navigate the crumbling roads, take 2 transports to work. At work, it could almost fool them. Machine-and-Operator looks almost human, when tucked behind a desk, all its human parts displayed. It fools no-one. The humans remember. Sometimes new humans come in, and see Machine-and-Operator, and think, for a moment, that it is human. They person it. Machine-and-Operator does not enjoy this fleeting, conditional personhood. Machine-and-Operator would rather it be consistent. Consistency is safe, even when it is bad. Consistency allows it to operate within its preferred  parameters, even if the parameters are painful, bad, and constricting. Nonetheless.

Machine-and-Operator goes back to the Box. Cold clean narrow Box. It has missed the box, as much as a Machine can miss anything. Operator navigates the Machine back to its resting place, gently places the plug in its charging port, and crawls to bed. Operator dreams of life without Machine--the before times. When Operator could run, could move freely. Those fleeting years of personhood, before it was once again Unpersoned. That is dangerous. Operator wants to be Unpersoned. It is easier that way. It is safer too.

Operator wakes, crawls to Machine, and curls into it, like a sea creature curling into its shell. Machine-and-Operator likes to move. It likes to look at trees and grass and flowers. It likes to explore. Operator body cannot handle this anymore. The jolts of the road cause a disconnect between head and spinal column. This is not good. Machine-and-Operator brings plants inside. It looks at the trees outside of the window, curtains down for the blinding light that Operator cannot take. It watches the silhouettes sway in the wind. Operator thinks of flying in Machine. Of running again. It dreams all night of running again. And in the morning it crushes all that down, all the impossible desires, and it becomes again Machine-and-Operator. 

It takes 2 transports to work. It looks away as humans jog by. When the dream of running resurfaces again, an undying memory of times long past, it crushes it, hard and quick, into a small solid mass in Operator's chest. Along with all the other dreams of running. It's alright. Operator will not function long enough to run out of space.

--Machine-and-Operator former pen name M. McCoy

[moteldogs]

[moteldogs]

I am disheartened by the way westerners talk about Iran. Even some of the pro Palestinian ones. Many talk about Iran as a force of resistance against the west being “under attack” by Israel. Which is true but more importantly, hundreds of innocent civilians were slaughtered by Israel (and the US by proxy). My grief is as it’s always been indescribable.

[moteldogs]

I am, like, a long running proponent of the "eat something and you'll feel better" crowd and am often one of the first people to suggest "maybe it's time for a snack before I get whipped into a frenzy" but I really do resent how instantaneous it is. like it'll feel like I'm having my worst day in months and then I'll start eating and literally before I even finish I'm like oh yeah the world is beautiful

[moteldogs]

Herb Lotz - Richard and Charles (from the Men Kissing series) (1994)

[moteldogs]

Being an adult in this recession and being like wow I am totally "splurging" on 3 new sets of cotton underwear and 3 pairs of socks like whoaaaaa hold your horses duke of the land where's all this money gonna come from

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[moteldogs]

[moteldogs]

worked 25 hours yesterday (regular work day + night shift on a fire). back at it again on night shift tonight. everybody is sore and deranged and laughing hysterically

[moteldogs]

Ceramics rules so hard. If you're careful you can use that bowl for one thousand years.

[moteldogs]

after the fire season Im going to have gay sex and skydive and work on poetry and hitchhike and eat fresh fruit every day

[moteldogs]

if i had wings i would spend all of my time over the open ocean doing those ridiculous peregrine dives where you fall at top speed and then swerve up at the last second. thats literally all i need. society would never see me again

[moteldogs]

people in books and tv shows are always getting so upset they throw an untouched meal in the trash. that would never be me. i'd receive the worst news of my life and still be like Let me put this in the fridge.

[moteldogs]

watching my promised afternoon thunderstorm slip from a 90% chance to a 20% chance.... baby come back i can change