mothsadness - Tumblr blog

[mothsadness]

I yelled. We were playing a game together and it made me frustrated and I yelled. Everything was fine seconds before but I yelled and ruined it all. We were having a good time. She comes from a bad upbringing that involved a lot of yelling and her fearing for her safety so of course any kind of yelling triggers her like no tomorrow; and of course I know that so of course once I realized what I had done I hated myself and immediately ran away and screamed some more and of course she heard me and it made her even more scared.

Sometimes I need to be vocal to let the feelings out… it just. I feel like I can’t around her. I feel like I can’t ever. If I’m not soft and easy to digest everyone is scared of me, even people I love. What if I just let people be scared of me? I’d probably be homeless.. nobody would rent to me. Nobody would hire me.

I know I’m off my meds and all of this is mental illness and psychosis talking but it feels so real. This is what happens when I’m not on my meds, I can’t seem to control myself. I get so so so paranoid and it’s like I don’t even exist. It’s like I can’t function because of it. I mean I can’t function because of it.

Fuck

[mothsadness]

The protest is happening right now, I can hear it outside my window. I’m such a piece of shit for not being there

[mothsadness]

It’s so so bad right now. I feel like I’m a danger to myself. I. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t take another year of this is can’t do it I can’t do it

[mothsadness]

thinking abt how when a child acts intelligently or compassionately we call them adult, despite them being fully a child. and how we describe adults acting crudely as childish. thinking about how childhood is devalued as a state of being. we say children are essentially brain damaged until they reach some magical age when they gain the ability to think, we treat children like inanimate objects only useful because they will one day become a real person, we act like their lack of knowledge is somehow a personal failing or a sign of lesser being instead of a part of them only having begun existing, and then we punish them for their natural curiosity!

[mothsadness]

Kinda wanna fucking die rn lmao

[mothsadness]

…ok hear me out

the idea of romancing the backrooms is something to me

considering it’s a concept that revolves around isolation, it really is just you and the backrooms. I can’t help but imagine endlessly wandering, brushing your hands against the walls, feeling the cool drywall against your face.

it would learn more about you, start showing you rooms it knows you would enjoy.

I know for a lot of people the backrooms acts as some form of limbo or horrific anomaly, but I’ve always found comfort in its simplicity. Just being alone, no need to fulfill my needs, no worries about the outside world. Finally, a break. To some that in itself is a form of punishment- to me it’s nothing but bliss.

[mothsadness]

Didn’t eat dinner, last meal was at 1:00, it’s past midnight. Too tired to get up and eat but I can’t sleep. God I feel awful. I’m so hungry and anxious.

[mothsadness]

i think a lot about exactly 1 thing from the roman empire: the concept of bread and circus. the idea was that if your population was fed and entertained, they wouldn't revolt. you are asking us to give up our one small life, is the thing - for under 15 dollars an hour.

what would that buy, even. i am trading weekends and late nights and my back health. i am trading slow mornings and long walks and cortisol levels. i am trading sleep and silence and peace. for ... this. for what barely-covers-rent.

life really is more expensive right now. you aren't making that up. i make almost 3 times what i did 5 years ago, and despite an incredibly equal series of bills - i am still struggling. the most expensive line item i added was to own a dog. the money is just evaporating.

we were okay with it because it's a cost-benefit analysis. i could handle the customer harassment and standing all day and the manager's constantly changing temperament - i was coming home to hope, and my life planned in a blue envelope. three hours would buy me my dog's food for a month. i can give up three hours for him, for his shiny coat and wide, happy mouth. three days could be a new mattress, if i was thrifty. if i really scrimped and saved, we could maybe afford a trip into the city.

recently i cried in the car about the price of groceries.

business majors will be mad at me, but my most inflammatory opinion is that people should never be valued at the same place as products. your staff should not be a series of numbers in an excel sheet that you can just "replace" whenever you need something at that moment. your staff should be people, end of sentence.

it feels like someone somewhere is playing a very bad video game. like my life is a toy. like someone opened an app on their phone and hired me in diner dash ultra. they don't need to pay me well or treat me alright - they can always just show me the door. there is always someone more desperate, always someone more willing.

but i go to work and know i could save for years and not afford housing. i am never going to own my own home, most likely. i have no idea how to afford her ring, much less the wedding. my dog doesn't have his own yard. everything i love is on subscription. if i lose my job, i have no "nest egg" to catch my falling.

this thin life - they want me to give up summer for it. to open my mouth and throat and swallow the horrible hours and counted keystrokes. they want me to give up mountains and any non-federal holiday. to give up snow days. to give up talking to my mom whenever i want. to give up visiting the ocean and hearing the waves.

bread and circus worked for a while, actually. it was the kind of plan that would probably now be denounced by republicans as socialist commie liberal pronoun bullshit.

but sometimes i wonder if we should point them to the part of the history book that says: it worked until it didn't.

[mothsadness]

[mothsadness]

Tw, s*lf h*rm.

I’ve just discovered eating spicy chips as a way to curb self harm urges and it’s really great.

[mothsadness]

[mothsadness]

Constantly going between

……..what’s the point? :( ..nothing……. matters

And

What’s the point!! :D Nothing matters!! Yippee!!!!! XD

[mothsadness]

”there is girl autism and there is boy autism” is a piss poor way of reading “autistic girls may internalize their autistic traits differently as kids” and “we perceive the same traits differently when they’re on girls.”

[mothsadness]

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

[mothsadness]

My handle on reality is not very strong. I often don’t perceive time passing, I can’t tell if I’m real. Everything is hazy, do I even have thoughts? All I think is fleeting, my memory doesn’t seem to work a lot of the time. I’m very forgetful, even with things in my own brain. I know I want coffee and hot chocolate, those things make me feel nice. Even writing this, I don’t know where I was going with that, what

[mothsadness]

If you know anyone who seems really chill to the point of being virtually indestructible, like nothing could ever bother them in any way, could get hit by a train and just shake it off and be totally fine, laughing it off as soon as they've dusted themselves off and stopped bleeding, but who occasionally just randomly falls apart to complete fucking smithereens with seemingly no cause nor warning, only to get back up again a few minutes/hours/days later like "ok yeah I'm fine again that was weird lmao", and you've ever wondered what the fuck is up with that:

They are actually not ok and most likely are not ok at any point. The whole "hardiest person you know who just collapses randomly sometimes" thing isn't a deliberately constructed façade, as a matter of fact it might be something that they actually personally believe themselves to be. But in reality this is somebody who's either unintentionally learned or has been deliberately trained to hide negative emotions and mask symptoms at all costs, as the #1 priority that goes over any other survival needs.

So even though it may look like they go from 1 to 100 completely at random and unpredictably, and then swing right back again to being totally fine, you have no way of knowing how long they've been at 95% before the last line of defense broke down and the system collapsed. And once they flip back up, odds are that they just managed to scrape their shit back together again just enough to get their backup masking systems running. The "check engine" light never turned on because the wire was clipped years ago.

If this is you, this is your callout to seek some sort of help. I'm telling on everyone in this room including myself.

[mothsadness]

I can feel every sensation in my body. I can feel every piece of pain. I’m uncomfortable but I’m grounded. I’m in more pain than I thought I was, I’ve been numb for so long I didn’t realize that it was like this.

Day two off of my meds. Had a stressful rush at work and I was able to stay calm (calmer than I used to on my meds) and I also was able to move on from it instead of ruminating on it! I feel so much more like myself. But I do get more tired more quickly without the sensory buffer of my old meds. But everything is much more chill, so much less of a big deal.

Also nothing is holding me back any more, I’m not second guessing myself anymore.