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[mowameer]

In the Year of Perpetual Aloneness

Booking for flights much ahead of time, rewarded by discounts, is one sign that as humans in this contemporary time, we plan our days much ahead, or at least we plan ahead ways to gratify ourselves. Who knows how good I’ll be in February, all I know is I’m taking a vacation in March next year, even if in November, I have not met my work targets yet. We calculate the pleasures we will take, and escaping the everyday has become a holy grail. 

But the sudden imposition of drastic restrictions in 2020 frustrated the normal that we knew. To basically keep our lives and of those around us, we had to stay home. In a sense, we had to stay stuck, well at least physically we had to be confined in the few corners of wherever we lived.. An unfamiliar way of life for anyone who was not above 80 years old. (My lola who endured through the World War did not flinch nor complained about this new status, but she only lived up to the first two months of it, I wonder how she would have dealt with it if she went through the for-the-rest-of-the-year imposition of the lockdown.)

What was worth noting for me was that admission and diagnoses of depression and anxiety was at a high among people I knew-- a new insight I learned about humanity- we are not used to confronting ourselves- thoughts and emotions, but once we are without escape from them, we sort of go crazy! Haha! As someone who “thinks a lot” or generally likes reflecting and feeling feelings, I did not feel my anxiety increase because of the new living situation, but unfamiliar things happened that threw me into new unknowns, anxious too.

I faced a significant loss through death, a minor heartbreak but significant betrayal, and increased responsibility for others’ livelihood that I felt incompetent for, all the time. No one likes change, those that felt like “walang choice” took twice the effort to embrace. It might have been the lack of control or inability to choose that made them sad.

 While I skipped the part of being diagnosed ill of something, what 2020 brought to me was a prolonged and palpable encounter with loneliness. I used to always say being alone does not automatically  mean loneliness, that is still true.. But it was also real that solitude can be lonely too. A recognition that only Jesus is constant in this life but also a  dragging awareness that there is a missing piece. The irony was that I knew there was no missing piece, but the feeling was persistent.

Was there a gratification awaiting at the end of this loneliness? Is it just a season that passes? A test to overcome? By end of year, I found out that loneliness comes and goes, a definite unwanted company. It makes its presence felt, but it does not demand to occupy all of me, it allows coexistence with other things. 

I would wonder- is a warm embrace, a holiday on an island, a beautiful wedding dress meant to cure the misery? You know what I found out in my seek for sympathy? Loneliness persists amidst all life seasons for all women, at least those in my circle. This comforts me. Being alone makes me lonely, but in being lonely, I am not alone. 

What is it in loneliness that can make it worthwhile? I believe in the truth that we are complete in Christ, that the essentials for this life are ALL in Him, but when loneliness does come, the fullness I have in Christ does not decrease. My impatience, sometimes rejection, toward loneliness and the failure to totally close the door to it or fill my life with things so as to not have space for it taught me a lifelong valuable lesson--- to let the bitter pill of loneliness help me understand this “fullness in Christ” even more.

Loneliness called me to run- not away but toward God in prayer, once in a while in tears. I am not sure if He answered by taking away the loneliness, but He answered me with His truth. Jesus was abandoned too, He too was in sorrow. He experienced everything and everyone in this world being not enough. Despite being the full God that He was, the humanity in Him made Him prone to the suffering of weeping and misery. Because I could not suppress what I felt were sufferings, I threw myself at Him (like a lover lost in search for the other’s embrace). He answered me through the company- of family & friends.  He answered me by giving me work to do. Occasionally, He answered me through TV shows to watch haha. Notably, he answered me too by providing His fellowship- that these feelings of sufferings make me one with Himself, He felt inexplicably present amidst what I used to perceive as wrong. Loneliness is not normally celebrated, I still do not. Truthfully, I’d rather avoid it, but this year taught me to let it come, stay a bit for when it is done, it goes. Through it all, Christ stays with me. 

He was here before the death, the heartbreak and the heavy pressure at work. He is here now as I still overcome these, and I know He will be here tomorrow, whether the burden lifts or stays some more.

2020 to me was a year when loneliness became a friend. Was it the quarantine, the pandemic, the deaths, the absences, the disappointments? Life is really less about what happens to you but what you make out of it. “ Count it all joy, my brothers,[a] when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

2020 was a year of many little things that are noteworthy, I’d want to remember these too, so I’ll get another post done.

[mowameer]

little, but not nothing.

Not all days were made equally from the productivity factory. Some days, I feel so pumped like I will conquer the world. But on gloomy, rainy and stormy ones like the one we are having today, the farthest I get to go is staying seated in front of the computer. I know I am not alone. 

When the day does not feel like a walk in a park but like a stretch in a marathon, the cliche from athletes hold true-- you gotta keep your mind in the game. The heart sometimes fly (back to bed) but the mind, you got to grip it tightly and just push it to take little steps, instead of none.

Focus on the little that your strength can do today. One little thing, then  another little thing, then maybe a third a little thing. But do not settle for nothing.

It’s now 9PM, find your little thing, Moha.

[mowameer]

Reading this will not change your life

Neither can the words here cure your life’s present woes. But in as much as these thoughts help me go through each day, they might help you through today, at the minimum.

All these changes have shaken our lives, and our best intentions to adjust well barely matter, our minds stay in a state of shock. The way of life that we once knew is not the life we are living now. And it just happened like we got thrown into an ocean of the unpredictable and uncontrollable. Our feet stay paddling but somehow it just feels like we haven’t had much air to breathe. Our plans, which “normally” fuel us to go on, have lost sense because we cannot paint a picture of what tomorrow will be like, no sense of constancy. Any minute, change can and does happen. So is there much point to planning and building when the certainty of them crumbling is more likely?

Some days I wake up and forget which day it is already, I have routinized my mornings- Monday to Saturday are for work and chores, while Sundays, I wake up to participate in church. Sundays are the best- we rest and just enjoy worship.

But six days a week, I find myself wondering if things can feel easier? Can I feel more certain than if I make this plan for next month, it can be executed as intended? Can I want something and feel it within reach without feeling that most things will be faced with a no. I feel tired and would like to unwind in a nice new place, no. I would like to see my friends and just hang out for hours, no. I would like to get inspiration from fabric shopping, no. I would like our workers to finish by this day; no, someone has to get sick. I wish our parcel delivery men would deliver more on time so I do not need to spend so much on GrabExpress, no.

But looking at it, even if things were “normal”, even if we weren’t in a pandemic, life just feels like one big challenge to overcome. Our days are never within our control, Murphy’s Law right? The big intent of life is not to get everything we want anyways, it’s growing and getting stronger everyday, into Christlikeness, so we can ride the waves of each day better. Our call has always been to manage the present better and be like Christ until we get taken Home, true before and true now.

Maybe this life now is plainly, life. It does not need to feel normal, or to be in the same pattern as before. Despite changes, this is just life. We do not need to look at the past waiting and wishing to go back to how they were before we can make life worthwhile for us now. This verb is too cliché but the picture it paints is so apt—embrace. Openly embrace the present.

Focus on the small things you can do today, not just to survive but also to grow. The little seeds of effort we can plant today, no matter how difficult they feel, pursue for them. “Di baleng konti, basta meron.“

Do not run on empty, find the good, praiseworthy, beneficial in your day that you can embrace, that you can grow and that you can share. There is always something even in the darkest and ugliest of days that can bless you or someone else, give it to yourself to see and embrace this. Wherever and whatever you find yourself “stuck” being in now, there is a little good thing there, may you find it today.

Then, tomorrow once more. 

Before you know it, it’s Sunday again and we get to rest.

[mowameer]

I hate this part of my life.

[mowameer]

What It’s Like Growing Up With The Grandma

                     (photo from Google) 

In this life, I never had a dad, but I have been blessed with two moms. No, my birth mom is not lesbian, so I am talking about my lola being the other mom. I cannot imagine a life where I do not have them both, but lately, I am realising that there really is a difference if you grew up more closely with the lola than mom. Here is my rundown of 5 significant impacts being a lola’s girl has. (I am guessing this can be pretty universal.)

1. You doubt yourself if you are doing something wrong because she compares you to the standards of her generation. I was at a job before where we go home so late from ingress and leave early the next day for the office, I remember being called out about being out all the time. Hold on, I was not just called out, I was judged. When I eventually started doing my own business and had to be out most of the time, I would still get judged about not being home early. BUT when I am home by 7pm, lola gives me a medal. In her generation, women tend to go for simple office jobs until they eventually get married to the guy who is supposed to hustle. Many times now, I find her encouraging me to just get an easier job instead of stressing myself over putting up a business. Let’s not even go to the dating standards anymore, I think this point is now crystal clear.

2. Like Jon Snow, you would have a woman in your life who would treat you like “you know nothing.” I am guessing my 90-year old lola has not absorbed that I am almost 30 years old, and that I can make my Lucky Me pancit canton my way. Cooking usually entails this scenario: the moment I switch on the lights, my lola would be walking towards me directing what pan to use, or how much water to put. This holds true too when I am trying to choose which fabric conditioner to use, or when I am trying to have some carpentry done. She is always directing me. On a positive note, you always have a  free teacher so that’s great too.

3. You would grow up with so many lola beliefs! Like, you do not buy a big bottle of vinegar or soy sauce because that is wasteful. You do not take a bath when you have fever, and even when the fever has passed, you still don’t until after a week. (No worries though, she will never judge you if you already smell). Another one is that when there is an earthquake, you are supposed to shout “LINDOL LINDOL!” loudly. It’s so funny because contrary to what we are taught now that you are to duck,cover, and hold; but here is my lola who thinks I should be shouting. The last example is shallow but did you know that up until I was 23, I pronounce oven as “ow-fen”? Gosh, please blame the lola, what kind of English classes did she have?

4. You can always expect a bailout. Mom wants you to learn to make it on your own, but lola, she could spoil you. This one is not a good idea to always take advantage of, unless you want to be an adult who can’t figure things out for yourself. Also, you can notice how lola would always fight with mom and repeat the record of all the times lola did things for mommy, but lola never does that to the grandchild. Why? I’m not so sure.

5. You would develop a belief that lola is the better mom. Somehow, lola would make you feel that mom is the villain, “she does not allow you”, “she does not buy you”, “she does not help you”,etc. In childhood, this may be as simple as giving you unlimited ice cream when mom is actually trying to limit your sugar intake. In adulthood, it becomes about the little disappointments lola had with your mom and how she rants to you about it and then you start thinking that mommy is not a hero after all... but lola is! 

It could be a funnier world with lola in it, she just adores apo so much that she would really get herself involved in your life. My experiences include catching my lola reading my journals, lola going through my trash can and seeing receipts or movie tickets, then she’d go “di mo ko sinasama ha!” But the best thing about it is that you will always feel that you have a kakampi, and a sidekick in life. As I say, my lola is my best friend, my first experience of unconditional love. She is a great example of being frugal yet generous at the same time. She is very disciplined with her lifestyle and money that is why she is strong at this age and able to shoulder her own bills. There are so many blessings that go with having one around, I hope she and my mom get to stay for my kids someday too.

[mowameer]

I was consoling myself earlier, thinking that it's okay to have a bad day and feel like crap.

But a second thought got me. No, bad days are not true, feeling that things suck and life is horrible is not the truth I should live with.

IF, and only IF

I put my focus on the right side of things, the silver linings. If I remind myself that under God's hands, things are all right. If every time the feeling of self-pity starts, instead of letting myself the right to mope, I shrug the feeling and count all the things that are good, or could be good. If I do not give the defeated thoughts a place, if I do not settle to have sulking sessions and I'm-not-feeling-well/it's-just-one-of-those-days, instead I work on being productive.

Putting this out here as a personal reminder when another possibly "bad" day or moment comes again.

[mowameer]

The Struggles of a Home Office

1. When your area is not very instagrammable, it feels less motivating compared to those squeaky neat office photos you see on social media.

2. It is a struggle to shower. Because of this, you would often work in your pambahay, which makes you less productive for some reason.

3. For some reason, when you are about to work at home, you would always remember all your personal errands such as cleaning the closet, washing dishes, sorting and throwing unwanted papers,etc. This is very time-consuming and time for work eventually goes down the drain because of these errands.

4. No one will call you out when you have been watching too many Youtube or when you start an episode of House of Cards at 2PM.

5. Your family member walks in on you and makes you do things at random times, and you get interrupted just when you are about to be productive already.

6. You get food or cook food every hour. The cycle goes: have lunch, bring peanuts to the office, go out get coffee, then get something sweet, then get water, then get potato chips, then get merienda like bread of palabok, and then after a while you need to make dinner already. Unless your work is related to food, this is bad. (Well, eating this frequently is just bad.)

What I have realised about working at a home office is that...

you cannot take away home from the home office. Thus, you would regularly struggle with being professional and productive at the confines of your own home.

Like that conversation from Silicon Valley, “do you work at your home, or do you live at your workplace?”

[mowameer]

When a cake is delicious, everyone wants a slice of it. But not everyone goes out to buy a whole, some not even spend for a slice. But when the cake is gone, somehow, those who missed out, or did not have enough, feel bad. A cake usually is sliced to a maximum of 8 equal parts, once the portions have been taken, you’re left with none.

Since there are just 8 slices, we learn to fight for a slice and eat it.

 Contrary to the reality that the slices run out, there is a spiritual piece of wisdom that I learned from a good friend. This has guided me to not feel intimidated or insecure when other people seem to be doing well in something I want to be good at. Actually, this wisdom had made me bold enough to just go for things after all, there will always be a slice for me.

 “One slice for her does not mean one slice less for you. In the spiritual economy, the slices do not run few, there is always enough piece for everyone. In fact, the cake just gets bigger.”

 When someone else goes for the same thing I want, it does not mean that I will be unable to succeed or take a good portion of what I want. When another person gets blessed, it does not mean that there will no longer be enough blessings for me.

 I love this fact! I do not have to worry about what others get, instead, I focus on working hard because if I worked hard enough, I am sure to get my slice always.

[mowameer]

All the goodbyes we say

Whether through death, resignation, murder or fire

Makes it all the more evident that we must not hold anything so dear that we will be angry when we lose them

Anything or anyone can be lost, the saddest thing is not that we will miss whatever it is that we lost; but that we will continue life unable to let go and move on

Now my belief holds stronger that it is to our great benefit to see things in the light of the promises and Word of God, who commits to us that we can hope in eternity. That all things may be lost in this world but whatever has been freely placed in the hands of Jesus stands forever. And we never truly lose, we invest and we know that we have future gains. And letting go and moving on becomes more bearable.

[mowameer]

To people who tell people who are leaving their jobs, “sayang naman!”

I have realized recently that hearing people say that is as annoying as being told “okay lang yan” during your moment of stress or grief.

Please know that every resigning person has put thought, much thoughts, into this decision. You will never understand what he/she has gone through for him/her to make the decision to leave.

Did you think that leaving what you are used to is easy? Did you think that saying goodbye to people you laugh with and hustle with daily is not painful? Did you think that knowing you’d wake up one day knowing you do not belong there anymore is not scary? Did you think starting anew is not frightening?

With every decision to resign comes a mix of emotions. You feel scared, excited, a bit of shame (for seeming like a quitter), and generally, you deal with feelings of insecurity whether you made the right decision or not.

So my commitment is that next time informs me of his/her resignation, I will not make any rash comment. Not even “why?” said in a tone that sounds like “are you nuts?” I will learn to react better, probably just ask, “so what are your next steps?” that can also be a bit intimidating for someone who just resigned; hmm maybe I could do, “what do you want to do next, is there a way I can help?” YES! That will be my perfect reaction. Cos really, that’s what I’d rather to hear now.

[mowameer]

The life-changing experience of having a sick dog

I am writing what happened here because I know for sure that neither my lola nor my mom will see this so I won’t worry about them being sad about this.

 On a beautiful Thursday afternoon, I finally got to interact with the kids at a nearby orphanage because they found Nesi so cute they wanted to play with her. Been wanting to reach out to them , even wrote an email inquiring how I may volunteer. Well, I was snobbed. So imagine the cheesy thoughts in my head while we were playing with the kids, “wow, Nesi is such a blessing. Who would’ve thought she will be my bridge to these kids? Sya lang pala!”

 Last October, I agreed to adopt a small doggy. A part of me has always been curious if I can own a dog, but the thought of all the responsibilities that go with it usually stopped me. Besides cute dogs being expensive, I was intimidated that the dog might demand of me more than I was ready for. Ayaw ko ng responsibilities.

 On that Thursday afternoon, I went through more than what I was ready for.

 In front of the kids playing with Nesi, and me, an Alaskan Malamute attacked Nesi. Bit her in the neck and wiggled her like a rag doll. Like how I imagine myself to be when a criminal attacks me, I went on an “I will not panic” mood, but I was probably stunned that all I was able to say was “oh my gosh is she gonna kill her?” I repeated that 5x perhaps. A few nights back, I finished watching Amores Peros that had countless dogs die after dog rumble/ attacks. So seeing an attack live, all I could think was that I was set to accept that Nesi would die, and my heart would break. I guess God answered an unuttered prayer in my heart, and Nesi was freed from the bite and the kids quickly got her and gave her to me.

 The next scenes felt like I was floating. My next objective was to stay calm, get my items from the house and tell my lola we were just going back to the vet for something.

 I carried Nesi, who was wet and shivering at this time, held her tightly, told her I loved her and “Nesi, be strong.” My heart was imagining the worst, still scared that she will not be fine. I kept praying for her. I still could not believe what happened a few minutes ago. I just kept whispering to Nesi and distracted her with jokes, “Ikaw pa, strong girl ka kaya.” HAHA Akala mo may naintindihan sya. Well I hope meron.

 The week after that involved me crying to the vet, crying before the mom of the dog owner, visiting the animal hospital, lying to my lola where Nesi was, randomly expressing my anxiety at work. I actually could not focus at work, I kept blurting out my anger at the malamute’s owner who wouldn’t pay up, my pitiful plans of revenge, my hopes and prayers that each clinical test will not result in something serious, and my endless expressing of emotions. I was not at peace for a whole week. Apparently, it was hard to stay positive when someone you love is not fine. It was also during this time that my Facebook timeline was bombarded by stories about a sick child whose parents were fighting strong and were showing much faith during this month. And then there was me, wanting the world to end because my little doggy was at the hospital. Well, I don’t care, this was my real problem and I felt entitled to feel my own feelings anyway. HAHA. (Those parents reminded me so much to have more faith by the way.)

 Fast forward to this day, Nesi is home, under meds and diet. And she seems to be much happier now being home that at the hospital where she was force fed during every meal, and was at a cage 24/7. Just last night, she slept so close to me that I could smell her bad breath. This morning, I woke up with poop at the corner of the bed but Nesi was close to me again. After all I have done for her, she has learned to not poop on my face or hair, that’s great.

 The whole ordeal has been much more than what I signed up for, but there are 5 awesome things I learned from this experience:

 1.     When you love, you open yourself to having unrest. When someone you love is not fine, you feel unrest. Imagine not loving that much that you do not care? But yeah, love does not work that way.

2.     You would question your decision to love when unexpected things hurt you,  (bakit ko ba sya minahal??”) but you always remind yourself the cliché… better to have loved and lost than loved at all. HAHA.

3.     Ginusto mo yan.

4.     Parents who can handle calmly when their children are in danger/sick/kawawa are amazing. My officemate never blabs when her 6-month son gets sick, but there I was, bombarding everyone with my dog story as if I were so kawawa.

5.     Pain is temporary. Stop wanting to die when things hurt, go on girl. Things pass and you will get better.

 This, I guess, is the reason I agreed to adopt a dog, I wanted to look after someone else besides my needs. I knew I needed to learn more of being responsible. I am still at step 2 of being responsible for much of what I learned is still about love, just little on responsibility. Haha.

 Just yesterday, I already felt like giving up Nesi and wanted to look for new parents. But the 6th thing that the whole experience taught me is that, love does not give up, love always seeks the best and love always hopes. I will not give up because it feels hard, she is at a good home with us (despite my getting her to troubles often) and I hope she will not have any booboo in the next 3 months at least. I love you Nesi, and I will always clean after your poopoo and make you imaginary speeches. Thank you for teaching me more.

[mowameer]

2016 List

Stop reading everyone else’s list; especially the ones in Elitedaily.com or Thoughtcatalog.com. You can read this one because I will not be suggesting anything anyway. I will just give you points to consider when making YOUR OWN list.

Listen to your mind and heart, what is it that you really want to do? What is it that you think will make you happy? Are these things not hurtful to you or the people around you? When you do them, will you go to bed at night satisfied?

Listening, reading or hearing so many external voices make us neglectful of what or who we want to become because we are presented with so many pre-approved packages of the person we should/could be. Since these are pre-approved and almost rejection-proof, we end up just conforming.

But this 2016, let me help you plan how I think we can make everyday better for ourselves. Beginning with our jobs. Without considering our passions and purpose, everyday work becomes dull and jank.

Identify the things that you really truly want to do, and list ideas how you can convert these things into moolah, so you can live and give. 

As an added tip, share the list with people who know and love you, they may even be able to help you do items on column 2.

Have a meaningful, productive and truly fulfilling 2016, everyone!

[mowameer]

Of all the many changing things in life, there are a few that we’d rather be constant. While most are elusive, some actually stay on long enough to be considered constant. Or they stay only until they have to change again. Then we’re back to feeling lost, asking why can’t some things stay just good? When things change, why are we left with a feeling of loss?

 Today had to be one of those days when life reminds me that I am not in control of everything, some things are not actually as I thought they were. My assumptions and daydreams are not reality. If fate is not even so well, my reality makes me want to just go back to sleep to let it all just pass.

 As I write now wanting to illustrate how negative the day was, I cannot help but realize that I have so much to be thankful for. I actually find it funny that I would even want to be dramatic about how  “bad” my day was: I was not served tapa for brunch, my 3-week old crush is already seeing somebody, BB’s cash flow is not as great as I thought it was; I have not any new interesting people in life; I had a misunderstanding with my officemate and lost my temper again; went back to feeling that I do not like my job anymore; realizing that he is probably getting ahead of me.

 But then I ask myself, is it really all that bad? Of course the answer is no.

 A scene from our drive this afternoon popped in my head. My friend goes “oh wow look at those clothes. Ang ganda!” I looked up and the first thing I noticed was that clouds do have silver linings. The expression is true! There really are silver linings in this world.

 And certainly, this is just one bad day in a good life.

[mowameer]

Better Basics spreads good vibes as we deliver your basics in positive statement pouches Looking forward to a better weeeek! Follow @betterbasics_ if you still don't 😊 #Repost " #BetterEveryday is an effort to remind everybody to pursue making each day better."

[mowameer]

Christians are more Christian when dealing with fellow Christians. But forget the Biblical principles when dealing with people outside church/faith (snap at servers, cheat in business, exploit subordinates,be less friendly,etc) As if these people will not be affected by ungodly behavior As if God's standards change

[mowameer]

#AllinaDaysWork I know I gained weight but today has got to be funniest "fat moment" so far. I rode the MRT from my Ayala meeting back to the office. I was standing in the female section and there was a girl seated in front of me who was staring at my tummy. I really couldn't mind her cos I noticed the girl beside me who kept flipping her hair, and as I stared, I realized she had lice and probably kuto too. Because she kept flipping her hair, I felt like I had to watch for my hair's protection. I also started feeling itchy because her hair was touching my face incessantly. After a while, the lady seated in front of me interrupted my guard and said, "oh upo ka na lang dito", then pointed to my tummy. I wanted to LOL and ask "did you think I was pregnant?" but I just kept my mouth shut and enjoyed the seat she gave me. I got busy with my phone, and as I was about to reach my station, I looked up and realized that an actual pregnant woman has been standing in front of me all along. Yes, all in a day's work.

[mowameer]

Christmas party season, please don't come anymore

Dear world Have I told you that I do not like company Christmas parties? I have attended many already, not really as the employee, but enough for me to hate it as an employee. If you are gonna exploit me with some talent portion and odd games with the prize of winning nothing exciting, plus a giveaway of uninteresting goodies, and if your raffle prizes do not include a coffeemaker or a big set of Bath & Body products, then please know that I have every intention to be a no-show. And when I do, please know that I am barfing inside. Love, An employee dreading to attend the office Christmas party and is plotting a way to skip it Ps. I am thankful for the thought of these parties, just not my thing to attend them (anymore)