mr-belong-to-nowhere

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Takeaway from 远见 by Brain Fetherstonhauh

做社区活动/志愿者

学会电子商务/在网上售卖服务

Lots of coffee chat

找到好的导师，成为别人的导师

学会讲故事

工作如何能让我更幸福？

《幸福有方法》大致描绘了12种“基于证据、得到科学研究支持的提高幸福感的策略”。其中包括：

表达感恩；

培养乐观的心态；

避免思虑过度和社会攀比；

多行善事；

维护人际关系；

发展合作的策略；

学会原谅；

增加心流体验；

享受生活的乐趣；

努力实现目标；

信仰宗教，寻找精神寄托；

关注身体健康。

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Emotions_EMO Writing 17

Edited by Ginger

Anxious, pessimistic and peaceful? I have three feelings rotating in my brain. I’ve been waiting so long for an answer. I’ve been working so long for an offer. And I don’t know whether I can get it. I don’t know why I came to this point of my life. I don’t know why all these things happened to me.

A lot of negativities and anxiety surround me and sometimes I feel I’m suffocated suffocating. 

I look outstide of the library and everything looks so promising. Green trees, birds chirping, passing cars and pedestrians. Seems everything is moving forward except my career. 

During the dark days, it’s hard to maintain an upbeat mentality. When everything doesn’t move into the direction you want, the only thing I’m telling myself is to be patient and to wait. But how long shoud I wait? My emotion swings between two extremes, sometimes I am super optimistic, believing there is nothing I can’t achieve as long as I work hard; other times I am like so pessimistic and I believe my life is doomed and cursed, and I wonder what I did wrong in the past, leading to where I am now. 

I woke up this moring, surprisingly around 7am. I went to bed last night around 1am and normally I wouldn’t have woke up this early. I couldn’t recall my dream but I belive it was a good one. I actually woke up in a cheerful mood and I was confused by it since most of the days, my mind and mood would be heavy by the time I wake up. I feel groggy.  I lookd out the window and I was lifted up by the sunshine and busy streets outside. 

It’s interesting to see how much my emotions can swing during a day, from feeling hopeless, to upbeat, to cheerful. It is strange sometime to observe the human emotions. 

I’ve been waiting for so long and most of the time last year, I got rejections. I was trying to fool myself that everything would be ok. Tomorrow is another day. But are things really going to the direction I wanted? I don’t know. 

Why am I in Singapore now? Why did I move to Singaore? Maybe I should stay in Shanghai as things seem to be getting better there now. Maybe I shouldn’t move to another place after I experienced hardships in that place again and again. 

But after Zurich and Shanghai, I did feel much happier here in Singapore. I can talk to as many people as I want here, which is a luxury in Zurich and Shanghai.  Zurich is too small while Shanghai is too big for me. But still, I doubt whether moving too much in the past few years is a good idea. I’d love to gain experience but it was too much for me to digest and handle. It was just too much for me.  

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

The poker theory

The beauty of poker is that while luck is always involved, luck doesn’t dictate the long-term results of the game. A person can get dealt terrible cards and beat someone who was dealt great cards.

I see life in the same terms. We all get dealt cards. Some of us get better cards than others. And while it’s easy to get hung up on our cards, and feel we got screwed over, the real game lies in the choices we make with those cards, the risks we decide to take, and the consequences we choose to live with.

People are not to blame for their problems and their hindrances, but they are still responsible – always responsible- to move on despite their problems and to make the best choices they can, given their circumstances.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Money_EMO Writing 16

Edited by Ginger

I was asked to provide an expected salary on the application form. So I asked Su whether the range I expected was reasonable. He told me that you can actually add a bit on to that range. 

I was really surprised. That’s a 30% more than I expected. That changed the dynamics immediately. It made the game instantly from 0 to 1. Either I get nothing, or I get a pretty decent job. 

My heart started pounding once I realize how much I can lose if I didn’t don't get the job. I am afraid that this information will make me distracted during the interview. I will be so concerned by the loss. It’s a bad idea to know the salary package. 

I have been struggling with  job searching  at searcing for a job in the past few months and the salaries for all the jobs I interviewed for, it was were just ok. Now I realized if I give it a blow try, and I get the job, I can earn much more than from all the jobs I’ve already interviewed for before. This is so temping. 

How can I control my emotion during the interview? I feel like I am an olympian at the battlefield now. You either get the gold and all your painful efforts get paid off. Or you get nothing and all your past efforts are meaningless. 

What should I do? I am anxious. The long journey of job searching has partially destroyed my ego and pride partially. Now I am not confident to come back and earn something I was qualified for four years ago.  

In the meantime, my adrenaline is a bit high. I see the bright future. I see the goal. I am getting excited because I picture myself， the a beautiful image that I am at that job with confidence and charisma. Finally after all these plain days, there is something that makes me excited. And I am so close to it and I don’t want to lose it. 

I did a quick meditation and I was trying to observe my emotion. It’s purely the ups and downs of emotions. I need to learn how to deal with it.  I need to have the right attitude to face the coming interviews. Money is important. But it’s not the reason why I am applying for consulting jobs now. It’s because I realize I love applying my past skills to solve problems.  Even if the pay is not that high, I will still do the job. The unexpected salary is just a bonus on top. Preparing the case study should be the thing I am focusing on now. Just enjoy the process.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

The power of now

The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future-- which, of course, can only be experienced as the now.

2. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry-- all forms of fear-- are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Advice from Cindy SOM

In the interview, ask:

I'm delighted to talk to you. What did I stand out in the CV screening?

What's the greatest challenge you are facing now?

What I just shared, is it useful?

Attraction or Seduction???

Here is why I'm excited/ curious about the role.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

No meat_EMO Writing 15

Edited by Stein

Making my mind focus is not easy these days. There is so much uncertainty that we are facing in the city. When can will this lockdown be over? When can I go out? When can I not worry about food shortage for the day? Nobody knows.

Spending too much time at home definitely hurts my morale. It’s like groundhog day. Every day is the same. You get up, have morning coffee and breakfast, open your laptop, cook your lunch, have your afternoon coffee, laptop again, do some exercise, and then cook dinner. I just realized how boring it is when I jotted down my daily routine.

Every morning, I use my willpower to get up. Because once I am awake, I have to deal with the mess in my life at this moment. I know this mess probably won’t last long. It is not an easy process to clean up. It’s torturing my mental state every day. When can I get out of this mess? It’s a cloudy day and everything, even the future, looks so gloomy.

I have just a few chicken wings left in my fridge now and that’s the only meat I have right now. I’ve never imagined one day in my life, and in Shanghai, a city of skyscrapers, maglev, and Disneyland, I wouldn’t know what I am going to eat for lunch and dinner. That’s just so pathetic.

There is a lot of anger and frustration in the city. For me, particularly, I don’t have to work and I have too much free time to fill. When you have too much free time, your mind starts wandering and can not focus on one thing at a time. To put it simply, there is no “flow”. It’s hard for me to be “in the zone” and I am losing my goal and target. To find my goal and target under lockdown is not easy. People are not as responsive as usual. I guess everybody in the city has to deal with their own mental stress at this moment.

There is lots of anger and frustration online and I’m glad to see people, especially the young generation, united to fight against this stupidity and voice out their anger. I feel the camaraderie among the people living in the city and I’ve never/ I haven’t ever felt more connected to the city and people here ever.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Busy week_EMO Writing 14

Edited by Ginger

I need to calm myself down myself.

There are a lot of things happening in my life this week. Not everything is positive.

I have had four interviews and it was a very busy week for me.

My interview was this morning. I got up at 7am, had breakfast, and dressed up. Suits, ties……those things are so meaningless when you are under lockdown. I prepared my punchlines for the behavior interviews, I did my math prep, and I reviewed all my case notes. At 9.50am, I turned on the camera and started waiting. The interview was supposed to be at 10am and surprisingly no one showed up. No one showed up even by until 10.30am. I called HR and she told me she will help me connect with the interviewer. And hours and hours passed, and I got no update from HR. No apologies from the interviewer so far.

Sometimes I wonder whether they know something called respect. But maybe they also have a rough day under lockdown. Who knows? I don’t want to whine or complain. There is already enough negativity in Shanghai these days.

When I opened social media, there were tons of negative comments/news reposted. The lockdown might get extended to the end of this month; people started to be lacking food and milk/ people are starting to lack food and milk; people who have underlying illnesses can’t get drugs and treatment; a corgi dog was beaten to death because the nurse suspected it contracted COVID………

To be honest, after all these years, I am getting significantly immune to this negative news. There will always be something sad somewhere at sometime anywhere at any time. Politics, wars, genocide, COVID…………..I don’t need to feel sorry or angry whenever there is a tragedy. Life itself is already hard. I started focusing/putting more attention on myself and what I should do at this moment instead of a war a thousand miles away.

Through my window, I can see empty streets bathing in the beautiful sunshine. What a lovely afternoon if there is was no lockdown. And maybe because of the lockdown, I started to appreciate this beautiful weather.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Lockdown again_EMO Writing 13

Edited by Stein

It will be a long day ahead. I have to submit my job applications, prepare for the case interviews tomorrow, do a mock case with my alum and prepare behavior interview questions for Medtronic. Well, that’s a lot for today.

I had a pretty good sleep last night, up to 8 hours.

I feel refreshed at this moment. The air today is also fresh. I guess due to the lockdown, there are much fewer industry activities and cars on the streets today. I can finally hear birds chirping outside, which is very rare to hear. I believe those birds are always there. It’s just normally the city is not as quiet as this morning.

When you get used to lockdown, it doesn't seem like a bad thing anymore. I have to spend time with myself, paying 100% attention to myself.

The moment when I got the call from the receptionist, telling me that the lockdown for this building will be extended for another 10days, I was furious, hitting the roof. Anger, frustration……….so much strong emotions at the same time. Why is this happening to me again? I had enough lockdowns! There was even this one moment that I wanted to kill myself. What’s the point of life? It was desperation. Never ever in my life have I had that feeling before. I was a bit scared by that thought. Why did I have that thought? I asked myself.

That strong emotion passed away quickly. I chose to accept it. Acceptance, the cure for pain. If you can’t change it, just accept it.

Shortly, I found a way to unleash my emotions. The door for my balcony is semi-closed, which means I can only open to half of it. I’d never longing for fresh air like this moment. I am like a bird, sick of locking in the cage. So I went through my luggage and found the screwdrivers and the scissors. Those are the only metal tools I have. I wielded those tools and unplugged the screws/hatches on the door.

It took me about 15 mins to operate. Voila. I opened the door. The door was fully open now. I was standing on the balcony, watching the empty city streets under the beautiful sunset, gasping for fresh air, and drinking my tea. Life was actually beautiful.

I’ve no idea how much penalty I have to pay for breaking the door when I leave this hotel.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Boring_EMO Writing 12

Edited by Ginger

Writing, like coffee, becomes my new morning ritual.

April just started. It’s gonna be a busy day for me. Case prep, interview prep, and talking to some senior people for job opportunities.

What should I do? What can I do? I don’t like the feeling that life is out of control. What is Fezan thinking of me? He probably would think that I am not proactive and competent enough. He doesn’t care about me anyway.

Why do I mention Fezan here? Weird. Is it a coincidence that I don’t like my previous three managers in Switzerland? Management is a skill of and art, and apparently, most managers don’t have these skills.

I talked to Chai Chai yesterday and she told me that maybe there is a reason why you are ending up in Shanghai now. I think that’s very true. Maybe there is a mission for me here.

I miss Thailand. I miss a getaway vacation. How long will I have to endure the uncertainty like this?

My mind is empty now and I have no words for it. My brain is still functioning and I can feel the tension on my back. I looked out the window from my balcony and it’s a beautiful sunny day. Nobody is outside and everyone is staying home. There is also no delivery for these 4 days. Life is indeed boring.

The weather definitely plays a role in your mood.

I am slightly anxious at this moment, but it’s a healthy level of anxiety. This is just a reminder that I still have something to do for the rest of the day.

Sometimes I wonder about the psychological impact of lockdown on people’s mental status. I am sure lots of people would suffer mentally due to the lockdown. I hope after COVID, these people will grow tougher skins and be mentally stronger. We all will be mentally stronger.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Morning anxiety_EMO Writing 11

Edited by Ginger

Anxiety hit me again in the dream. It’s funny that you are supposed to be energized and fresh after a long night of sleep. You’re supposed to feel the best in the morning when you wake up.

But for me, it’s a totally different story. I feel the worst when I wake up these days. I start to worry about my days ahead.

What about if I can never find a job? What about if I can only get a salary that’s lower than my pre-MBA salary? Is my life a joke? When I look back in ten years’ time, how will I see this period of my life?

Remember when I was looking for a job in Europe four years ago, I was told that the chance was very dim slim because I’d never worked in Europe before and I’m not European. But then I got that job. There was one point when I felt I was one of the luckiest guys in the world.

I had too many expectations for that job and Basel. Then that expectation burst when confronted with reality. I didn’t like Basel, the company, and the job.

Then COVID hit. Everything backfired. I turned from one of the luckiest guys into one of the least lucky guys. I’ve d left Shanghai for a while and I may never find a job here now. What should I do? I don’t know.

I think in each age group, we have our own troubles. When I was younger, my anxiety was that I didn’t have enough experience to earn money. When I grew older, my anxiety was whether the money could match my life experience. I was never fully satisfied with my life.

They say you need to write down something you feel grateful for in your life every day. I don’t like being whiny every morning and complaining about my life situation. I don’t want to sound like a victim. I’m still learning how to deal with life’s uncertainty. I’m learning how to work hard and how to be disciplined. I am getting there.

I’ve lots of friends here, and there are lots of things I like about the city. The weather is good again today, the air is fresh, and I've got tons of food in the fridge.

Am I good enough? Am I open-minded enough? Am I exploring enough? Am I working hard enough? Am I confident enough?

Morning is such an interesting time these days. I will pour out most of my negative emotions into this piece of writing and hopefully, the days ahead can be better.

Leslie, someone I really admire, once told me that no experience is a bad experience. Is that true? I don’t know. Let’s see in 10 years from now.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

6 am shopping_EMO Writing 10

Edite by Stein

What a weird day.

I set my alarm at for 5.59am and woke up. I reached out to my phone immediately, opened the app, and clicked “Proceed”. It was not working. It showed “the internet is busy”. I refreshed again and again and the result was the same. At 6.20am, I still hadn’t booked completed my order yet.

Oh my god. 6am in the morning. The whole city of Shanghai was shopping online for vegetables, meat, and other food because of the lockdown.

There is a 48-hour lockdown in my building. And then starting from April 1st, there is another 5-day city lockdown. Why, oh why, do I have to encounter/endure so many lockdowns these past years, from Europe to Shanghai. It’s so frustrating.

Before 6am, I was having a dream. In the dream, I had a fever and was being taken good care of by an old nice grandpa. I think subconsciously, I am hoping someone can save me out of from this life crisis/ pull me out of …..

I had a conversation with my career coach this Monday and I shared with him lots of “why does this happen to me?” questions. He reminded me that I need to be wary of the “victim mindset”, which is something true. I am not a pessimistic person. But from time to time, this mindset does come back to me. But I always try to keep alert be vigilant on this.

Tomorrow is the gap day where I can probably go out, do some grocery shopping, and have a haircut. The longer you stay at home, the more homeless you look like. That’s very true. And then there will be another full 4 days city lockdown.

It’s not that bad to me, at least, especially after what I experienced in Basel and the long hotel quarantine. But for people in this city, it’s the first time for them to experience lockdowns. I can feel people’s panic and anxiety.

It’s so different from Switzerland. During the lockdowns, people in Switzerland were really chill and I didn’t feel much difference compared to normal days. Here, people started to stock food and other groceries. Deep inside, the fear of poverty and starvation is still there. In a rapidly developing and changing society, nobody wants to be left behind. Once you are in this situation, it’s like you are stuck in a flood. You have no choice but to be pushed by the strong current.

No one knows where the current/river is heading to. But after living in Switzerland and the US these years, one thing I am sure is that things do move on. Even if one day, this society evolves into a highly mature society, it doesn't guarantee your happiness.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Happiness_EMO Writing 9

Edited by Stein

A glass of water, a cup of black coffee, a croissant, and an apple. That’s my breakfast.

Time flies and it seems March is coming to an end. April 1st is around the corner. There are rumors that there will be lockdowns for some parts of Shanghai starting from April 1st. What a fool’s day joke!

Life is definitely not under my control now. I talked to Doris last week and I told her how much I hate this uncertainty. I’ve worked all my life to avoid uncertainty, good schools, high grades, and big corporations. In the end, life still plays a joke on me. I’m facing the biggest uncertainty in my life so far. Job, accommodation, and COVID.

OMG. I just received that message. There will be a lockdown here. Haha. Lockdowns. Why, oh why are you haunting me from Switzerland to China?

Do you fear it? Not really. I have anger, frustration, and tiredness from all these COVID related things. In the end, I choose to deal with it, I choose with acceptance.

Unemployment? It’s part of life. I have to accept it.

There are still 10mins left for this piece of stream of consciousness writing. I have no words now.

I have to accept it. I have no will to fight with life anymore. I give up to the Almighty.

How bad can life be? Is now really the lowest point of my life? To be honest, it’s not. I have my savings, network, diplomas, and experiences. I won’t regret any big decisions made in my life. They made my life rich in experience.

Last 10 years, I have been constantly moving, from one country to another, from one city to another. Life was like a fast-forward movie on fast-forward and I was endlessly searching for something new. I was constantly persistently seeking my next goal all the time. I worked hard and achieved them all. I thought that would make me happy. I thought my next destination and goal would make me happy. I thought Switzerland would make me happy. In the end, I was wrong. Happiness has nothing to do with location.

Today I am sitting in my tiny studio apartment. I will probably be stuck in my room for the next week, having take-away food and doing some simple work-outs at home. And I find this a tiny piece of happiness in my comfy studio. Isn’t that weird?

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Nostalgia_EMO Writing 8

Edited by Ginger

Another rubber band is gone from my mouth! It’s probably the 4th rubber band missing in my mouth since I started wearing braces. Are these rubber bands digestible? I don’t know. I shouldn’t worry too much about them. The dentist gave them to me and the chances of eating rubber bands during the whole treatment should be well considered.

I haven’t talked to my parents for a while and maybe I should call my mom. People always tell me that family connection is important. But sometimes the connection is so vague for me. After moving back from Switzerland, I realized that, sadly, being physically closer to them doesn't mean that mentally I’m closer to them. That’s just the harsh reality.

I think a lot of people in my generation in China are facing the same issues. When we grew up, our lives changed rapidly because of economic opportunities and the Internet.

My parents' generation was left out. The gap between what we experienced and what they experienced is growing larger and larger.

My little timer is ticking and I set 20 mins for this writing. It got stuck now as I don’t have any words at this moment. The void in the brain. No anxiety, no depression, no hate, no joy. Isn’t this a peaceful state? I don’t know.

I went to a shopping area yesterday and I saw a poster of Xinjiang Chicken hanging in front of a noodle restaurant. That immediately made me reminisce about the chicken dish prepared by Yang. Right Just one year ago in Switzerland, I was under so much pressure from work and extending my job contract. The only way to release that pressure was the group dinner we had together at Yang’s cozy apartment in Basel. Every Saturday afternoon, I traveled to Basel for that dinner. We prepared food together and watched all kinds of shows and movies together. And who would have known that life has would have changed so dramatically just after in one year. Lois and I moved back to Shanghai, Y moved to Zurich and Yang was the only one left in Basel. Poor Yang. How will she survive Basel, that little boring town, after our friend group is dismissed has dispersed/disbanded?

Nostalgia. That was the first feeling when I saw that picture. A myriad of happy memories emerged and then I knew they were gone forever.

My last year in Basel was dark and these memories were the only happiness I had in that city. Maybe that’s the reason why I treasure them so much.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Sleep_EMO Writing 7

Edited by Stein

Sleep. The best cure in life.

I got up around 7am to prepare for the interview yesterday. And the night before, I didn’t sleep that well. I woke up, had a big chunk cup/gulp of coffee, and some light breakfast. I took deep breaths and then conducted that 1-hour interview.

The interview actually went pretty well. I don’t know what the result would will be but it was a great conversation with a good flow.

And then I went out to have lunch with Penny in Solo, a nice Italian restaurant with a beautiful patio. Lunch was great, the weather was perfect, and we had a nice after-lunch walk in the French concession area.

And then I needed to go back home. My energy level was like dropping from a cliff. I can’t fake or sustain that energy level anymore.

I came back to my apartment and I was lying on the sofa. I couldn’t do anything meaningful. I started to order junk food (I used my last will of discipline to change it to a desert), swipe tick-tock videos, and watch movies.

After hours of high-energy output (interviews and socializing), I couldn’t pretend I was ok anymore. Once the magic power of coffee was gone, my energy was like a roller coaster, plummeting from the sky to the abyss directly.

Sadeness, tiredness, that void, exhaustion………… All those emotions came to me at once. My brain power was like a drought. I didn’t want to talk, to think, to cheer myself up. I just wanted to hide in a cave, in darkness, and recoup my energy.

I knew what happened. I just needed sleep. That was the only thing I needed at that moment. But it was 6pm at night. If I went to bed then, I would have woken up at midnight and would never fall asleep again that night. My whole circadian rhythm would be destroyed. Penny told me at lunch that sometimes she would go to bed at 3am or 4am. And I was really shocked. What seems a must to me is not something necessary for others.

I watched Eternals, I had my takeaways, I took a shower, and had a walk outside afterwards. I had been fighting with my drowsiness for hours.

It was so energy draining. I was like a Walking Dead zombie for hours.

And finally, it was 9pm. I went to sleep immediately.

One hour later, I woke up. I was so frustrated. I’d used up my melatonin. If I awoke at 10pm, there was no way for me to fall asleep well.

I turned off the nights and I watched the rest of Eternals. Luckily, my brain didn’t get too excited. This Marvel movie is not as fast-paced as the others in its series.

I opened my eyes at 10.30 am this morning (I woke up shortly around 7am, turned off my alarm, and then fell asleep again).

I pulled off my curtains well last night and there was very little light in the room.

The moment when I opened my eyes, I felt joy, peace, and satisfaction for life.

The feeling of recouping was something beyond my words. It’s like being reborn.

Sleep does have that magic curing power to heal people. It must be a gift from God for human beings.

I have to keep moving on searching for jobs. It’s a beautiful day again in Shanghai. What a happy man I would be if I had a job at this moment.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Sleepless night_EMO Writing 6

Edited by Ginger

Is it possible that I will never get a job? Possibly.

The funny thing these days is that my emotional level is at its lowest when I wake up. I have the strongest anger, frustration, and disappointment when I get up every morning. Is the frustration about myself? About the job market? About my previous heartless managers? About the COVID? It can be anything.

Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong in my life. Was I too adventurous that I didn’t keep a linear career path? Was I too adventurous that I shifted to so many countries in the past few years?

I don’t know. I didn’t get the best sleep last night. Before I went to bed, I found peace. Then suddenly I recalled what You messaged me yesterday: It seems you’ve been unemployed for a while. Damn. Those words kept echoing in my mind and I started to get anxious.

I started to question myself why it took so long.

To me, it seems so surreal that a few months ago, I was in Switzerland, a land of peace, boredom, and beautiful nature. And now I am in Shanghai, a land of fast-paced change, greed, and hustle. Everything that happened to me in Switzerland looked like a dream, unfortunately, it turned into a nightmare in the end.

I missed Switzerland from time to time, I missed that tranquility. But I also hate it. I hate the rigidity of that society, I hate that inner arrogance of people, that excessive pride of themselves.

I felt lethargic and less motivated. I need to work out to keep my energy level up. But unfortunately, the gym has been closed for two weeks now due to the lockdown.

I will have an interview tomorrow. Somehow I am actually scared of that interview. Not because I am afraid of rejection (I've gotten used to it these days), but I am a bit afraid of going back to the normal working environment. I'm so used to my current lifestyle and I am afraid to change.

I am also afraid of another lie from my prior manager, who promised me to keep my position until the last minute. Sometimes I do hate him, his hypocrisy. But he probably also didn’t have other options at that time of restructuring. He was a cold person and I never want to work with someone who doesn’t have empathy.

I need a miracle in my life and I keep praying for it.

I’ve heard many ups and downs in other people’s lives and I know it’s something you can’t avoid in life.

[mr-belong-to-nowhere]

Sleep too long_EMO Writing 5

Edited by Ginger

I can’t believe that I slept 10 hours straight last night. I took a pill of melatonin before going to sleep and I was hoping it could help change my circadian rhythm. It did. I was so drowsy around 11.30pm last night and I went to bed immediately.

But I was supposed to wake up at 7.30. I set up my alarm. But in the end, I woke up at 10am.

Why? Why didn’t I want to get out of bed at 7.30am? Subconsciously there must be something wrong.

I have had difficulties getting up early since I was young. I have been fighting with this since my high school. I read books and I know that I am not the early bird type due to genetic reasons. In the ancient sapient time, there were sapiens who would keep alert and vigilant at night to guard their group. Those people are night owls and their genes are passed down for generations. I am for sure one of their offsprings.

I regret that I didn't wake up early and make use of quiet morning time more efficiently.

In my brain, there is something ticking. It’s the recruitment season and every minute counts. People around me are telling me that it’s ok. But they are not me, they don’t understand my situation.

Sometimes I panic. I don’t have a job and that means I am not growing intellectually. And I hate that. During these days, I might have grown significantly spiritually. But I am losing some of my technical skills for jobs.

Everyone is telling me that I am pretty good. But why am I jobless? The longer the gap on my CV, the more difficult it is to have a new job.

Am I scaring myself? I don’t know. I just had my coffee and the strong emotions are pouring out like a waterfall.

Sometimes I wish I could be a bit more lucky luckier. All I need is a little bit of luck. I was so close to Tesla, to AZ and to McK. And I missed them. Why?

Four years ago, I was so lucky to get a job straight out of school, from the US to Switzerland. It was almost like a dream.

And then that dream turned into a nightmare. Life unveils itself through its ups and downs.

A gloomy day. Shanghai again on lockdown. A lot of restaurants are closed. It seems I jinxed the virus to Shanghai.

The alarm is still ticking and it’s time to get some serious work done.

I constantly remind myself not to fall into the old life pattern. I know the reason why I left this city 7 years ago and now I am a different person. I wish that I would evolve into a new person this time. A person with tougher skin and optimism.

Time to apply for jobs.