mrjmlol - Tumblr blog

mrjmlol · 4 months ago

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slightly long post!

hi tumblr, i just felt like writing a little blog about just things on my mind lately. haven’t use’d tumblr in forever but it’s the only app i know where i can write long posts!

i mainly only wrote this blog post just for myself and don’t really expect anyone to look at it.

i cried a lot while thinking and writing and reminiscing about this😭

i’ve recently started doing a lot of reflecting and reminiscing and i just feel like talking about it. this post isn’t anything bad, i just feel like repeating what i’ve been thinking about on my blog! 😋

that is what tumblr is for, right?

i love my girlfriend!!

i love my girlfriend, she’s the most impactful and meaningful women to have ever entered my life ever since i first laid my eyes on her back at the start of ninth grade. i sometimes wish people could be in my shoes back then all the way up until now to realize and see how much she’s caused such a meaningful and great impact on me.

back near the start of first semester of ninth grade, basically since the first day school, i first spotted her. i remember everything exactly. everyone walked in and just picked a random seat, then our art teacher came in, made us form two lines across the class, and then assigned us our actual seats lol. i remember very vividly that i looked across the room to see who i would recognize, and i saw her for the first time. her nice curly hair and her glasses and her face.

this is how i feel talking about her now:

now, at the time, i didn’t really think much of it. she looked really cool and chill but that was mainly it. it wasn’t until around a week or two later i started to notice her more. i remember i was in art one time doing an assignment and i just couldn’t get her out my mind. it’s like the more i thought about her, the more like my interest for her grew.

at some point, we had an assignment in our web design class where we had a bingo card and we had to go up to someone to check off that bingo card. i immediately know that the first person i wanted to go up to was her. i went up to her during that assignment, she signed off my bingo card, i think i signed hers too, and then that was it. i think that was probably our first interaction ever.

i really don’t mean to sound stalker-ish😭but for the entirety of first semester that school year, i could not stop thinking about her. like she would enter my mind every single time i had a class with her. i would sometimes try to sneak a glance at her during web design cause she sat across the room and i would sometimes look behind my friend while he was talking to me, just to see what she was doing. she was mostly listening to music in class lol.

at some point, my friend asks “what are you looking at?” and turned around to see what i was staring at but i immediately stopped and turned around like “nothing, just staring at that wall. zoned out lol”😭

i was not going to let him, or anyone at all, know about how i was slowly developing a crush for her and i was able to keep that up and hide it from all of my friends (besides one) for 14 months (august 2023-september 2024) up until we started dating in september of 2024.

throughout the entirety of the time ive known he up until september, there has only ever been one person to ever know that i liked her. my friend from texas named josh. back in like june or july of 2023, we started a snapchat streak after we started to talk more and more and realized we could just start a streak cause we talked so much. so we did just that! everyone knows how a streak goes: you both send a picture back like three or five times and boom! the streak has started! well, during those streaks, during the times i went and had lunch with her, i would always send a streak saying something like “she has lunch with me!!!” but i would always get so nervous to go up and talk to her😭the closest i was to talking to her at lunch was finding a pencil someone dropped and picking it up and asking if it was hers. i remember she was watching a movie on her chromebook as well. i always noticed she brought her chromebook or book to lunch lol, idk why but it kind of made me fall for her even more, she just looked so chill and nice and ahhHHHHH wow i love her a lot.

anywho, fast forward to the friday before winter break started.

by this time, i’ve never really talked to her a lot. the times we would talk would be really short. i tried to send her a canvas message to see if she would respond back in either september or october of 2023 but she never responded. most of my attempts to talk weren’t really that like engaging ig? like i’ve never said “hey, i think you look cool! wanna talk for a bit?” during the times i tried to start a convo. it was always just questions about like our assignment or that darn pencil i found on the ground lol.

i decided, if im still not able to talk to her once the first week or two of second semsester is up, i probably should have to just accept defeat and move on unfortunately.

i remember being on the bus, having the canvas app open on my phone, and just staring at my message.

“does this sound too weird? does it sound too formal? would she think i’m weird for sending another message? would she wanna be friends with someone like me?”

i was thinking about a lot!

i kept editing my message to sound less weird and more casual but every time i made an edit or changed it, it sounded weird to me still. luckily, one of my really good friends was able to calm me down a bit and convince me it sounds fine. i trusted her cause she was always really honest and nice and ive known her since like elementary on my bus.

anywho, i write my final message and send it to her finally after stalling for so long, and now i had to wait. and one day, when it was the next year and we came back and started second semester, i get a very alerting notification.

censored name for privacy lol but oh my GODDDD AHHHH AHHH AHHH i wanted to scream “holy fuck” so badly😭but it was like early in the morning and the morning announcements were still playing. i had never wanted to scream and jump up in the air multiple times so much in my entire life.

i opened the message and yup! my eyes were not deceiving me! she responded. she only asked how i knew her name and who i was. and that’s where everything started. it is such a long long story after.

final words!!

i love her. i really love her so much. i am so deeply in love with her, i could never imagine loosing her. she is so irreplaceable, nobody i know or will ever know will have an incredible impact on my life then her. i will always love her from the bottom of my heart since the day i developed a crush on her back in august until the day the universe finally ends. i wish i could be with her right now and break down in tears in her arms right now. i’ve never ever felt so much love for a human being in my entire life. she is genuinely such an amazing and kind and caring and breathtaking and wonderful person.

i cry sometimes when i think about everything. about just far we’ve come. we went from bearly knowing and just getting to know each other in january all the way to dating each other in september.

i cry about the time i was over at her house one time and while i was leaving and she was hugging me, i looked at the mirror behind me and everything came flooding back to me. ninth grade me would be screaming and be so proud to see how far i’ve gotten with her now. to go from being awkward and scared to start a conversation to hanging out with her almost every weekend.

i cry about the fact that if i had never had the courage or idea to message her again, this all would’ve never happened.

i cry about the fact that she is my girlfriend. how could someone so amazing and gorgeous and fascinating and resilient and radiant and captivating ever love someone like me?

i’ve always thought for the longest time i wasn’t lovable. i’ve always thought for the longest time that i was annoying and ugly and irritating to be with. i’ve thought since elementary that nobody would ever love me. especially in middle school. i thought i was going to be alone forever. i’ve never thought i would meet someone in high school or after that that would love me as much as i love them.

all of that changed when i met her, when i started talking to her. over time as we got more close, she sort of helped me realized how much of the things i thought of myself were so wrong. from her telling me that i wasn’t ugly or as annoying to telling me how perfect i am. oh god, it means so much to me. i hope she finally knows herself too how perfect she is as well. thanks to her, i look back at my old yearbook photos from elementary and realized how nice i actually was lmao. i set myself as my profile picture sometimes thanks to her! there are so many things i need to thank her for one day.

to be dating her is such an honor, it is such an incredible privilege to be her friend and boyfriend. it was recently our 5 month anniversary recently, so cheers to us and cheers to plenty of months to come soon!

if she’s reading this: i just wanna say one last thing.

i love you so dearly. we might have a few bumps on the road from time to time but we’ll always push through and end up happier with each other every single time. i promise one day, after we graduate, we will move away from this place and live somewhere peaceful finally together.

that’s my ultimate goal, move away and finally live together in peace.

i know you’ve been through so so much and i know last year was such a mess, but to be honest, i would gladly live through it all again. i would gladly go through it all and support you and be on your side every step of the way. you mean so much to me and i’ll always be there to support you.

thank you for everything you’ve done for me, and i hope i was able to support you and help you through everything!

mwah, love you💞👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 hope we can hang out this weekend!🥹

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