mrsalwayswritex

[mrsalwayswritex]

Zoey Deutch as Danni Sanders in NOT OKAY | Dir. Quinn Shephard

[mrsalwayswritex]

✧ DYLAN O'BRIEN as Colin in ‘NOT OKAY’ (2022)

[mrsalwayswritex]

everything i wanted - j.m

pairing : jj maybank x female reader summary : you had loved him all your life and for jj, you held a special place in his heart. on his wedding day does he realize his true feelings but you knew that you had no chance when he said the words "i do". warnings : angst ? words : 3.1k extra : lowercase intended a/n : i used this gif before but oh well it kinda gives off the whole vibe yk? also jj maybank has my heart <3 (not all of it mind you but a large part)

have you ever loved someone so deeply only to find that they do not feel the same way? it is a pain like no other, some may even say more greatly than the one experienced after loosing a loved one. "it is better to have loved than to never have loved" at all yet an unrequited love disregards this concept since that love was neither acknowledged or received.

you had been in love with jj maybank since the fourth grade. maybe at such an age you didn't fully comprehend the meaning of the word but you felt something towards him. he was like a magnet that pulled a string on your heart although similar to a magnetic field, unaware.

you may have made a mistake in attending today but since jj had been awaiting your attendance you had but little say. at first it was difficult to say the least to see him with her, kissing her, touching her, loving her, all the things that you wanted him to give you. just the same as your attendance you had little choice, your two best-friends had fallen in love and to maintain both friendships you pretended to be content and for awhile it seemed just and right, until now.

a piece of you hung onto the possibility that he would somehow fall out of love with her or perhaps realize your love for him and feel the same way but events like this would only be considered for a romance novel.

"can you believe that jj and kiara are getting married?" pope says in disbelief as he gawks at the altar in front of him. jj and kie had only got engaged a couple of months previous but jj had been insistent to be married as soon as possible. he was much like romeo in that regard, just not your romeo.

"i know it's crazy" you agree, "i'm happy for them, truly". you gulp as you feel pope remove his gaze from the floral arrangement. pope wasn't totally in the dark when it came to your feelings, he had seen the way that you looked at jj far too often than to know all too well he had no chance.

for comfort pope placed his hand upon yours. "its okay to not be okay" he whispers. you look up and smile at him, grateful for his friendship. "thank you" you reply as you take his contact with pride and slip your fingers through his.

jj had neither been acknowledged by you or the others as he stood at the altar fiddling his thumbs. kiara and him had decided to organize a small enough wedding, only inviting family which the pogues were considered as such. the nerves were really getting him now but knowing that you would be in the front seat comforted him somehow. at this thought he looks up from his hands and to calm himself looks over at you.

at first he is pleased to see you though you had not seem his gaze he was glad enough that you had come considering your protesting. it was only when he saw pope lean in closer to you and then place his hand in yours that jj's smile faded and he was welcomed with a confounding new feeling.

no friend of his had ever tried to pursue you perhaps in the case of jj's lack of approval. though now as pope held onto your hand and smiled at you longingly jj suddenly realized that he didn't any guy near you or at least have the opportunity such things especially not when he had made a promise from the moment he got down on one knee.

sarah and john b were sat beside the two of you but were far too occupied with each other to notice your hold on pope. "john b stay still", sarah grunts as she tries to his tie that seemed to have been hastingly put on. john b writhed uncomfortably as sarah neared securing his tie. "help me" john b mouthed to pope though heyward just chuckled at how petty john b was underneath sarah. women domination.

he seems utterly serious in his plead as he sends a stern but hard glare over to pope but his look softens when he sees pope's right hand in the company of another. now the look he gives is of curiousity and a million questions emit from his hazel eyes but there is no time to answer them as the wedding fanfare begins to play.

once jj hears the sound he had been anticipating since the engagement he looks up, trying to brush his thoughts of you from his mind though it was difficult when you sat only metres away.

although when his eyes were torn from you to be greeted with his wife to be there was a definite pang in his chest. only he wasn't sure that the way that his heart clenched was in fact a good sign. kiara's smile only made it worse.

she did in fact look beautiful in her gown though it was more defined as a dress as kiara had voted against frills and feathers. simplicity was the key to her happiness and jj, wanting nothing more, gave her exactly that.

a forceful but believable smile appears on jj's face as he gazes at kiara. he is now suddenly aware of his place in the ceremony and the many eyes that were directed his way.

maybe he had made a mistake. maybe. but a maybe couldn't be filed since there was no turning back. well that's not entirely true he could make his escape now, but what good would that do? it would only hurt kiara and jj had no intention of doing so. and even if he did abandon this marraige, what then? confess his feelings? no.

all this thoughts seemed to have brought on a racing heartbeat and then a rising heat in his cheeks. "hey" kiara said, taking his hands in hers as she met him in the altar.

it took her a total of jj's considering to make her way to the top of church and by the way her doe eyes sparkled jj shoves away the thought of ever hurting her. of ever doing anything to hurt her.

"hey" he whispers back, sending her a smile as he soothingly rubs his thumb across the top of her hand. certainly not for her benefit.

"we are gathered here today to celebrate the love of jj maybank and kiara carrera". the priest acknowledges your presence in today's ceremony and you feel your heart drop.

you knew exactly what you were getting yourself into arriving today but love and her name accompanied by his name in his sentence took a toll on you.

pope felt you shift in your seat at the presiders words and with his hand still held firmly in yours he bravely gave it a gentle squeeze. you hadn't even been aware of the fact that his hand was still in yours and by the way sarah silently said "girlll" with her eyes you knew it was wrong.

trying to make it the least obvious you slowly slip your hand from his grasp, pretending that something was in your eye. pope left his hand where it was, awaiting your hands return. but you never returned his wish.

you didn't want him to get the wrong idea but it would be stupid enough to concoct notions of intimate feelings since it was clear who your heart beats for. and watching him get everything he had wanted since he first laid his eyes on her makes it clear for you. makes it clear as crystal that there was no way you could ever get anything you wanted.

"do you jj maybank take kiara carrera to be your loving wife?". these words bring your gaze back to him, partly pleading for him to say the opposite to "i do". he doesn't.

"i do" jj says and as you watch a tear fall down kiara's cheek you feel a similar overwhelming urge to allow the watering in your eyes to subdue.

with the two having both said "i do" the priest asks if anyone objects the joining of the two. jj hadn't been worried about this part of the ceremony but he had heard many a tale of a drunk ex or whatnot. although now having someone object didn't dismiss whole heartingly as a bad idea.

making an attempt to sneak a glance from his very soon to be wife jj looks over at you. he smiles at himself when he notices that you were already looking that way, at him. after noticing a stray tear escape down your right cheek he realized that perhaps maybe he wasn't kidding himself. but on the other hand you could have just been crying happy tears for your childhood best friend. for what crime is there in that?

"i now pronounce you husband and wife" the priest says and it his voice it is clear that he is tired of the constant repitive use of wording. "you may kiss the bride".

having returned to look before his wife jj slowly carresses her cheek before bringing his lips to hers, trying to block out his thoughts. by the sounds of the cheers and clapping jj was content that he had given them all one hell of a kiss. for now atleast he was happy, with one arm securely around his wife's waist, he was happy.

you clapped along with the rest and smiled like any other but inside you were dying. having shared a glance with jj only minutes earlier you were keen to earn more attention from him. maybe a chance to talk.

you avert your eyes to the happy couple, with kie firmly leaning against jj and with jj supporting her. he seems to be uncomfortable as he adjusts his collar and sweat has begun to build up on his forehead. the aftermath of a wedding should not prescribe these symptons but it is not rare that one makes the wrong decision.

love should not feel like a prison, which is exactly how jj had begun to imagine the next 10 years of his life after only been married less than a minute. love should feel like home.

when jj lifted his eyeline and scanned the crowd for you he was welcomed with a half smile that showed encouragement but most of all it showed you. this was when jj knew that he had entirely messed up because not only did he feel trapped in the arms of his wife but when he eyes locked onto yours he felt something. he felt how one should feel when love is present. at home.

...

"sweetie you did good" sarah informs you as she brushes her hand along your upper arm. "if i had to watch john b get married i'd have a fit".

you try to force a smile at your fellow friend but with sarah she knew exactly what each expression meant. "come here" she says pulling you into the comfort of her arms. it felt nice to be comforted in the threshold of your best-friend especially when you had never felt more alone.

"i think that maybe pope has a thing for you" sarah says with an obvious chuckle. pulling yourself away from sarah you turn to where she is referring to. john b and pope had left you and sarah to take their place on the dance floor but by the quick glances in your direction and excessive blushing, sarah's assumption was clearly true.

"you think?" you reply with raised eyebrows, turning away. there was quite a spread on the table with the lacy tablecloth. the cakes looked so good they made your mouth water.

"i think you've given him the wrong idea" sarah grabs a cupcake that you were set on, "so i think you should just tell him, you don't like him like that.....or you do?".

once again you raise your eyebrows. "no offense but he's not my type" you mutter. sarah knows right well that your type is with his wife as she feeds him the first slice of cake. from afar it looked cute and sarah was obviously happy for them but annoyed that their happiness prevented that of her best friend.

"what are you going to do?" sarah asks averting the subject from pope. "about what?".

"a certain married man". jj hadn't spoken to you at all ever since he had said "i do". little did you know it was on purpose. he didn't have the courage to talk to you, afraid the wrong words might slip.

"i need to talk to him" you tell her but this earns a sigh. jj is now with the boys, laughing, his arms around both of their shoulders. he looked as handsome as ever. "girl you know that nobody thinks that, that is a good idea". sarah shakes her head as she sees the twinkle in your eyes, clearly opposing against her words.

jj begins to make his way over to the two of you, john b and pope following. with a groan sarah plants her face in the palm of her hands. there was no way that this could end well.

"hey honey what's wrong?" jj says, pulling up a chair, turning it around before sitting down. jj tilts his head looking at sarah, his hands rested on the top of the chair.

sarah lifts up her head but before she can speak a word of complaint john b locks his lips onto hers. "hey beautiful" he says which makes you and pope groan. for single people any PDA is hurtful.

"c'mon you guys i think it's cute" jj says which is a shock to everyone as he is usually totally against public displays of affection.

"wow married life has changed you dude" pope purses his lips, "i don't know if i like it".

jj nods. "thanks for your honesty pope, love ya".

jj swallows the lump that had arisen in his throat. he had to talk to you. even if it didn't change anything. he had to be honest like pope had been. brutally honest.

"hey y/n can i talk to you for a sec?" jj asks as he points off to the far distance with his thumb. the location of the reception was kie's idea and you had to admit you were a fan. the beach, the stars, all of it reflected romance.

"um yeah sure" you hesitate once you spot sarah making miming actions begging you not to leave the table. usually you would listen to her or even take heed to what she has to say but not today.

jj stops a few metres away when he notices how far behind you are. he waits. it only takes moments before you catch up with him. for evening time a breeze allows your hair to billow in the wind meaning that it needs your constant attention to push it from your eyeline.

for awhile you just walk in silence. the beach is empty and there is something soothing about being this close to him.

"so...you wanted to talk?" you ask, hoping that perhaps he will start the conversation.

"um yeah" jj responds. his hands are held firmly in his pockets with his tie now undone to allow breathing room. from the way your eyes craved an answer it made his heart rate race.

"on the altar" he pauses to scan your expression though it just remained the same as before, "i saw pope take your hand".

you bite down on your lip. great now jj thought that you and pope are a thing. "me and pope that's- nothing is- ugh he-".

"i got jealous" jj blurts out, cutting you off from your speech. brutal honesty. an awkward silence envelopes the two of you. jj for one is cringing at his words while you are trying to process them.

was this really happening? could you be getting everything you've ever wanted? for him to notice, for him to care. for him to care for you.

"i realized that i didn't want anyone's hands on you, and maybe it's selfish but-". jj looks down to his shoes that were far too big for him but he dealt with it for the terms of the ceremony.

"but...?" you urge on. jj swallows and looks up to you now maintaining a firm stare. his crystal blues sparkle in the moonlight and from his stance he badly needs to confess. slowly he slips his hand from his pocket and moves closer.

your heart begins to race, faster than before and part of you believes that what you are experiencing is a dream. you copy his movement, moving closer.

now that you are standing close enough jj grazes his hand off yours and like you had always imagined a spark erupted. bringing your attention away from the fact that your pinky wrapped around his you smile at the golden boy.

"jj is that you?" kiara calls, having spotted him on the beach. abrubtly jj pulls away from you." yeah coming give me a sec" he calls back to which she waves before returning to the party.

taking his hand, jj runs it through his blonde locks and then lets it slide down his face. "so that's it?" you scoff, folding your arms across your chest.

"what you tell me you feel the same and now return back to your wife?! who does that?".

" i don't know" jj says as he notices your eyes begin to water his heart falls. his impulsiveness has caused this.

a tear falls from your cheek, not the first from tonight and when jj reaches out to brush it away you push him. "i have loved you the majority of my life and now you just realize after you have married one of my bestfriends, that's messed up".

"im sorry" jj says not knowing what other words may comfort you. "just go" you tell him, turning away not wanting to look at him any longer. he bites down on his lip but doesn't protest. he doesn't even utter one more word.

you only turn around when you are certain that he is headed in the other direction. truthfully you are angry with yourself that you could believe in a happy ending when those only exist in one's imagination. then again the child in you is angered that you let him go that you didn't plead for a chance for him to leave her.

the adult in you spoke. it was time to move on, to forget. and although it would be a long journey and wouldn't bring you the happiness that you felt that you deserved it would prevent conflict.

watching him walk farther away so now that he is a sillohette under the moon's haze it enlightens you that, that was the way he had always appeared. a hazy dream, out of reach.

[mrsalwayswritex]

Secrets Out

Gif is not mine but his face gives me tingles 🥰

Warnings: drinking, smoking, swearing and angst, that's kind of my thing though so nothing new.

Word count: 3.7k

Today was the final straw, Y/N had no issues ever keeping her feelings for John B a secret, she kept her mouth closed and just enjoyed her time with him. Y/N had been hiding the feelings she has had for her best friend a secret since she was 7 and he was 9.  The day a 10 year old Rafe Cameron pushed her off the monkey bars into the dirt and called her a dirty pogue for the first time. John B rushed to her side, picked her right up from the ground and wrapped her in a hug as she cried loudly. From that day on, Y/N knew she would follow him to the ends of the earth and jump off with him, all he had to do was ask.

Y/N grew up with John B and JJ Maybank, side by side, literally because Y/N's family lived directly next to the chateau. The duo accepted her into their fold quickly and the trio was inseparable. Watching those boys grow up was hell for Y/N, watching them pine after countless girls, being a shoulder for them when they were rejected. Her affection for the brunette boy grew and grew the older they got, turning into what she knew was love. Y/N was in love with John B Routledge and there was nothing she could do about it. 

Tonight was the start of summer parry at the boneyard and Y/N was standing in Kie's bedroom getting dressed. The girls passed a joint back and forth, taking turns pulling things from bags or the closet. "Y/N, can I ask you something?" Kie rolled over on her bed and passed the joint. Y/N nodded her head absentmindedly, pulling a pair of dark denim shorts up her tanned legs. "If you had to pick one of the pogues to marry, who would you pick?" 

That got Y/N's full attention as she spun quickly towards the girl. Heart pounding rapidly as her brain immediately conjured the image of John B in her mind, thinking again about how she pictured their lives together. "Earth to Y/N!" Kie waved her hand in the girl's face. "You already got that answer huh? Must have thought about this a lot." Kie laughed and pushed herself off her bed. 

Blushing brightly, Y/N hit the joint and blew the smoke in her friend's face. "I would pick you, obviously, those boys suck." She passed the joint back and went back to the closet. 

"While you aren't wrong, you're lying but I'll figure it out." Kie winked and threw a sundress to her. "Give me those shorts, wear this and" Kie poked around her closet and pulled out a pair of converse, "put these on." 

Once they were both dressed they jumped into Kie's Nissan and off to the boneyard they went. When they got there, it seemed like half of the island was already there, and the sun was beginning to set. Linked arm in arm the girls scanned the beach looking for their friends. Y/N let herself be led by Kiara, still thinking about the question she was asked. 

She couldn't stop thinking about the domestic heaven scenario playing on repeat in her head. Thinking about waking up with John B, watching his sleeping form rouse awake and yawning softly, she wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in his long arms and hearing him say sweet nothings to her in his sleep coated voice. Sighing contentedly to the daydream was enough to alert her friends that she wasn't paying attention. Y/N hadn't even noticed they had stopped walking until she felt Kie drop her arm. Looking around she saw they had made it across the beach to a bonfire where JJ and Pope were arguing over something and across the fire, John B sat with a pretty blonde touron. 

Y/N ignored the pang in her heart as she threw herself into the wide open and flailing arms of JJ. He wrapped his arms around her middle, giving her a brief squeeze before he simply shifted her to one side and handed her his cup, and went right back to arguing with Pope. Y/N smiled warmly at the blond boy but sat silently and drank JJ's beer. Kie chatted with her as she sat comfortably on JJs lap, eyes flickering towards John B often. Seeing him smile warmly at the girl made Y/N’s insides twist but she couldn't look away. 

JJ tapped her bare thigh a few times and she stood up, JJ standing right behind her. "Time for a refill, another for anyone else?" He looked between the three of them but his gaze stopped on Y/N as she nodded quickly. "You look damn good tonight, by the way, Y/N." He leaned over and planted a kiss to the top of her head, he lifted his leg over her and stopped at Kie. "You too, pretty girl." He kissed the top of her head as well and then walked towards the keg. 

"Look at JB, that blonde is already replaced by a red head. He's not backing down tonight guys." Pope chuckled with a shake of his head, thankfully missing the way your face dropped for half a second before taking a sip from your cup. Kie didn't miss it though, her head whipping back and forth between the two of you.

"Oh my god it's John B isn't it?" Kies slight buzz was making her voice louder. 

JJ walked up at that moment, carrying three cups sloshing beer over the top. "What is John B?" He asked as he sat down and motioned for Y/N to take one. "Oh, is it the red head? Sorry Y/N, looks like this isn't your night either." Shrugging and taking a long drink from his cup.

"JJ! Are you kidding me?" Y/N yelled, her face turning red instantly. 

Kiara stared at the two of them with her mouth gaping. Pope reached over and closed her mouth, "Just because you didn't see it Kie, doesn't mean it wasn't happening." He laughed at her and Y/N groaned loudly. 

"I'm never hanging out with you fucks again." Y/N hid her face in her arm, “Literally, I hate you guys. We’re going to talk about literally anything else right now.” She shook her head, refusing to show her friends the tears that were welling up in her eyes. Taking a drink she smacked JJ’s leg when she realized they were all just staring at her. “I'm serious you guys, I don't want to talk about this here.” Y/N pointed her finger harshly at them all.

Kie just stared at her, “You mean to tell me that you have had a crush on John B this entire time? Y/N, why didn't you tell me?” Kie whisper yelled at Y/N and the girl just held up her hand. 

“Kiara, I'm serious, I do not want to talk about this.” Y/N’s lip quivered and JJ immediately grabbed the girl back up into his lap, Kie reaching her hand out towards her friend and Pope putting a hand on her shoulder. “Yes, alright, I am in love with John Booker Routledge and I have been for a many years, no there's nothing at all that I am going to do about it. I am just going to sit here and drink about it, is that alright with you miss nosey?” Y/N stuck her tongue out at her friends and JJ cheered.

“To drinking about problems!” He raised his cup in the air and Y/N joined him with a small laugh. “Y/N/N, I promise that you do not need to tell me twice that you do not want to talk about your feelings, because I for one am all for that.” She playfully smacked his chest, JJ swatting her hand away. “Don't get me wrong, sweetheart, any other day but today is about summer, not about feelings.” Pope raised his cup to that and they crunched their cups together, laughing at the beer spilling off the sides.

Y/N was trying to throw herself into talking with her friends, but it was hard to be distracted when she was facing John B and his red headed friend. She watched John B lean in and kiss the girl softly, his hand cupping her face gently. Y/N couldn't stop the whimper that fell from her lips. JJ tapped her leg again and stood up, "Switch sides guys." Kie and Pope both slid their way down to where JJ and Y/N were sitting, JJ tapping his other leg so she could sit back down with her back to John B. "Don't worry about them, Y/N." He pressed his lips to the side of her head and she curled into him and enjoyed the rest of her night. 

-

The next day when she walked over to the Chateau, hungover and starving, she was instantly nauseous when she saw a mop of red hair bouncing around in the kitchen. Her feet wouldn't move from her spot on the porch, lip already quivering when she heard the girl laugh. Y/N told her feet to move, to turn around and go home. She didn't want to see this, her feelings simmering at the top after her confession last night, but she couldn't move. "Y/N!" She heard her voice being called but she couldn't respond, couldn't turn towards the voice, she had caught a glimpse of John B lifting the girl onto the counter and her giggles following soon after. "Y/N!!" JJ's body collided with hers as he dragged her from the porch. "Come on, let's go." JJ wrapped his arm around her and she couldn't stop the tears falling.

JJ half carried his best friend to the hammock by the water, sitting side by side. Y/N sniffled slightly and reached into her bra, pulling out a joint and lighter. "I'm sorry J, I know you aren't a fan of the whole feelings thing." She chuckled as she brought the joint shakily to her lips. "I don't know what's wrong with me, it's never been a problem before so why now?" Y/N shook her head and more wet streaks stained her face. 

JJ reached over and snatched the joint from her lips and lit it himself. "Y/N/N, just because I don't like to talk about it doesn't mean I don't care." He handed it back to her, blowing the smoke in her face to make her smile. "I'm here for you, babe."

Y/N laughed, taking the joint from his fingers, "No, J, you're here for the weed." Sticking her tongue out at him, he playfully smacked at her thigh. "But as long as you're here I'm happy." They swung together for a while, laying in the sun and passing the joint back and forth in silence. Y/N was nearly asleep when the sound of the screen door slamming shut woke her up.

"Hey Y/N/N, when did you get here?" John B's voice was bright and cheery, which made Y/N's heart clench. 

Sitting up and stretching her arms above her head, JJ grumbled in protest as he fell over. "I don't even know what time it is now, JB. I came over and saw your conquest in the kitchen." She spat at him, rolling her eyes. JJ sat up and watched the two carefully.

"Her name is Lauren." John B snapped back. "What's wrong with you today?" He reached out to her and she pulled away quickly. John B pulled his hand back like he had been burned. "Y/N? What's your problem with Lauren? Do you even know her?" 

She scoffed and stood up. "No, JB, but I know you. And there's always going to be another one isn't there?" JJ stood up and grabbed at her arm but she pulled it away from him too. "Thank you for hanging out with me J, but I think I'm gonna just head home." She waved off any more conversation and walked towards her house. 

John B looked after her and shook his head. "What the hell was that all about?" JJ chuckled dryly and started walking towards the chateau.

"You're fucking clueless, man."

Once the boys were back inside, John B started telling JJ about his fun night with Lauren, JJ holding a scowl on his face the whole time until he heard the front door open. "Y/N?" He called out but the female voice that responded wasn't hers.

"It's us, guys!" Kie shouted through the house.

"Kitchen!" John B hollered back, giving JJ a weird look. 

When Kie and Pope came through the doorway John B stared at them. "Do either of you know what happened with Y/N? She's mad at me I think?"

Kie rolled her eyes and John B pointed at her. "That's what she kept doing! What do you know, Kiara?" He moved closer to her and she stood her ground, crossing her arms. "All I know is yesterday everything was fine and now she won't even talk to me, I miss my best friend." John B plopped himself onto a bar stool and pouted. 

JJ shook his head at Kie, willing her to keep her mouth closed. JJ had kept Y/N's secret to himself for years and now that Kiara knew, there was no way it was going to be a secret much longer. She rolled her eyes at JJ and put both hands on the counter. "Can you really not see it, JB? You honestly can't tell me what would be her problem? Watching you bring home countless girls and parading them around?" She scoffed and crossed her arms again. "You can't be that dense."

"Kie, stop." JJ warned, raising his finger at her, Pope put his hands on Kie's shoulders and tried to pull her back but she shook him off.

John B looked between his friends and stood up. "What are you guys hiding?" He looked right at Kie and she stared at him. 

"I'm serious, Kiara, don't." JJ spoke softly, "please."

"Kie, don't." Pope added, shaking his head. "She won't forgive you for this." He whispered to her, hoping his friend didn't hear. One look told him he was wrong. 

John B crossed his arms over his chest. "Someone better tell me what the hell is going on with Y/N, right now." 

"SHES IN LOVE WITH YOU IDIOT!" Kie shouted and JJ smacked the counter, running his hands through his hair. Pope threw his hands in the air and they landed on his hips. 

"Jesus christ Kiara." JJ grumbled, pushing open the screen door and taking off towards Y/N's house, John B quick on his heels only to be stopped by Pope standing in his way.

"I'm sorry brother but you need to stop. This isn't something you were supposed to find out, you can't go running off without a plan." Pope had both hands on John B's shoulders.

He shoved his friends hands from his shoulders and tried to step past him. "Are you serious? Are you freaking serious right now? I'm not supposed to do anything about this?" John B shoved his hands in Kie's direction, the girl standing wide eyed off to the side. "She just threw a grenade into my life, Pope, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?" 

Still blocking the doorway with his arms extended like he was approaching a wild animal, "you need to think about this, you know that this grenade didn't just go off in your life man." John B sat down for a second before standing back up.

"I have to talk to Y/N."

-

JJ ran as fast as he could across the yards to Y/N's house, pounding furiously on her door. Y/N flung the door open quickly, "JJ? What the hell? What's wrong? Are you okay? Is everyone okay?" She fired off questions rapidly, seeing her best friend's frantic face.

"Kiara told John B."

Those words stopped her heart and her hand flew to her mouth. Rushing back inside she tried to slam the door but JJ stuck his foot in the way. "JJ, please, I really need to be alone right now." Her voice cracked and JJ could see the tremble in her chin. "Please." Once he saw the first wet streak appear on her cheek, he pushed forward through the door and wrapped the girl in his arms, closing the door behind him with a click. She fought him weakly before collapsing against him.

"I'm not going to leave you." He shushed the girl as she began to hiccup while she sniffled. He ran his hand over her hair and held her tightly. A soft knock on the door made Y/N freeze in his arms. She shook her head quickly, JJ reaching forward and turning the knob slowly. 

"Y/N?" John B's voice floated through the doorway and she tried to pull away but JJ only held her tighter. John B stepped through the door, hearing her sniffle and JJ shushing her softly. "Y/N, can we talk?" He reached out for her but JJ pulled them back. He looked at the girl who whimpered and nodded her head. 

"Let's sit you down." John B had never seen JJ speak so softly to anyone but Y/N in his life. Next to himself, JJ needed Y/N in his life, she was his best friend. She was John B's best friend too, which is what made this conversation so hard for him. "Do you want me to leave?" JJ asked the girl and she shook her head, her eyes wide and wet with tears. "Alright, I'll stay for this extremely not awkward conversation that has nothing to do with me." He chuckled dryly, looking between the two, who weren't looking at him at all, rather they were both staring at each other. 

After a few minutes of nothing but sniffling from both Y/N and John B, he finally spoke. "Is it true?" He asked softly. "Or were they all lying to me? I need to hear it from you."

Y/N wiped her nose on her sleeve before shaking her head. "No.. they weren't lying." She closed her eyes and took a deep and shaky breath. "I do, I do love you." Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks and JJ rubbed his hand on her arm. "But I didn't want you to find out like that." She hiccuped and chuckled. "I didn't want you to find out at all, actually." She wouldn't look at him, so instead she played with the bracelets that were on JJ's wrist.

"You don't seem surprised by this, J." John B looked to his friend who shrugged his shoulders. 

"We're kindred spirits, Y/N and I." JJ murmured, "both of us are in love with someone who doesn't know the truth."

"Kie?" John B asked, his face softened for his friend who nodded his head. 

"Not here to talk about me, dude." JJ reminded John B, who sighed.

"Y/N, listen, you know how much you mean to me, and you know-" John B scrubbed a hand over his face, stopping abruptly when she cut him off.

"Please, JB, don't say it." Her chin quivered and she closed her eyes. "I know you don't love me, I didn't expect you to, but please just," she viciously wiped her face, watery eyes focused on the ceiling, JJ rubbing her knee. "Don't make me have to hear you say it." Her voice cracked and John B's heart broke. 

He reached for her and this time she let him take her hand. "Look at me Y/N." She sniffled and raised her eyes to his. "You're my best friend, okay? Nothing in the world is ever going to change that." His own voice wavered, "I promise you that." He gave her hand a squeeze and she closed her eyes, her body deflating against JJ. "And I am so fucking sorry." He dropped her hand and stood up and left without another word. 

JJ held Y/N tighter as she let out a sob when the door clicked closed. "I'm sorry Y/N." JJ whispered softly, "I'm so sorry." He rocked with her as she cried.

"I didn't want him to say it, but I hoped he would say something else." She whispered softly against JJ's chest as he rocked her. "You know I can't stay here right?" Y/N didn't look at him but she felt him sigh.

"I knew you were going to say that." His own voice was straining, the thought of being apart from any of his friends was heartbreaking for him, let alone being away from Y/N. John B was his brother but Y/N was his best friend. "Is there anything I can say to change your mind?" 

Y/N shook her head sadly, nuzzling closer to his chest. 

-

The next day, JJ woke in the hammock at the chateau after a long night of tears. His head was pounding and he could feel the anger pulsing through him when he heard John B's voice shouting for him. "What the fuck is this about JJ?" John B shouted, waving a letter in his hand. 

"Exactly what it says man."

He looked at the blond boy and then at the letter in his hand. 

John Booker,

 I know this is what I asked you for, I didn't want you to say the words that would break my heart but when you left, it didn't just break, it shattered. I'm in love with you John Booker Routledge, I think I always have been and I'm sure I always will have love for you. I can't be around right now, and I hope that JJ actually delivers this letter because he's telling me that he refuses. I'll be staying on the mainland for a while, but I'll miss you and everyone else. I hope you understand JB. I love you.

-Y/N

"She's really gone?" John B ran a hand through his hair, looking towards her house, like he was going to see her walking towards them like always. She wasn't there. She wouldn't be there for a long time.

JJ nodded his head and closed his eyes to the rising sun. "She's really gone, dropped her off myself." John B dropped in the grass in front of the hammock and pulled out a joint. "Smoke one for her good luck?" 

"She did say that I was only here for the weed." JJ shrugged his shoulders and passed his friend a lighter and they watched the sun shimmer across the water in silence. 

Xx

Tagging a few of my favorites :) @strokesofstokes @maybankforlife @pankowforlife @adventuresinobx @wannabestarkeysgirl

[mrsalwayswritex]

Traitor

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, angst, drinking and smoking, i think thats it?

Word Count: 2.8k

A/N: Gif is not mine, but this writing is. I just heard this song and I knew I had to write something for it!! Based in the song Traitor by Olivia Rodrigo.

 Y/n was quick to stop dead in her tracks when she saw them together. Kiara and JJ walked hand in hand down the beach, throwing their heads back in loud laughter that just made Y/n's heart throb painfully. Sure, she knew that the two were friends, best friends even, but this was more than that.

Friends didn't hold hands like that. Friends also didn't kiss each other the way that Y/n watched them do. Her heart ached and she chewed on her knuckle to stop the sobs as tears slipped down her cheeks. It had been just weeks since she and JJ had broken up, rather roughly, and today all of her suspicions were confirmed. 

Y/n was tucked into JJ’s chest as they lay on the couch at the chateau. The silence was getting to Y/n, making her mind run through scenarios that terrified her. JJ was always prepared for those ‘Would you still love me if I didn't have legs?’ and other equally off the wall questions from the girl and he laughed every time and told her of course he would. JJ thought he was ready for anything the girl threw at him, but what came out of her mouth when she rolled onto her back and looked up at him was nothing he could have planned for.

Y/n rolled onto her back in his arms and touched her hand to his face, tracing his jawline. “JJ?” She asked in a small voice, JJ smiled down at the girl in his arms and waited for her to continue with her inevitably silly question. “You would tell me if you stopped loving me, wouldn't you?” JJ sucked in a breath and looked into her eyes.

“Why would I ever stop loving you?” He asked her with a dry chuckle. “Where do you come up with these questions, Y/n?” He kissed her forehead but when he looked back at her, her eyes were trained on his.

Still tracing her fingers along his jaw, she swallowed heavily. “They just pop into my head and I can't get them out without an answer.” She sighed, running her fingers up the bridge of his nose. “Sometimes I get worried JJ, sometimes all I can think of is who you used to be, who everyone told me you were when we got together.” Y/n rushed the words out and JJ’s eyes went wide. “I just need to know that when you tell me that you love me, that it's just me.”

“Where is this coming from? Have Rafe and Topper been telling you things again? Because I told you Y/n, you're it for me. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before.” 

Y/n's voice dropped so soft that JJ barely heard her. Barely. “Even Kie?”

JJ’s heart throbbed in his chest, hearing his girlfriend ask about Kiara. It was no secret that before Y/n came along, JJ was into Kie, but there hadn't even been the slightest amount of flirting between the two since JJ asked Y/n to be his. “Y/n, you know that Kie and I are just friends. We've been friends since the beginning and that's all we ever will be. Don't be so paranoid, princess, you aren't getting rid of me anytime soon.” He kissed her nose repeatedly until her laugh rang in his ears.

“I'm sorry.” She nuzzled her face into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her frame, holding her tight.

The conversation was fresh in her mind as she watched the two of them find a spot on the beach to sit together. When they got closer and JJ touched his hand to Kie’s jaw, Y/n had to close her eyes because she knew what came after that. When she opened her eyes, they were still kissing deeply, JJ cupping her face with one hand and his other hand still holding her hand. She couldn't stand just watching them anymore, her heart couldn't shatter any further. No sooner did she turn around, and literally smacked into Rafe Cameron's chest. "Where you going little pogue?" Rafe's loud voice boomed in the quiet air. Topper, as usual, was at his right hand. He looked toward the beach and an evil grin formed on his face as he slapped his hand against Rafe's chest and pointed to the couple. "Are you spying, little pogue?" Rafe taunted, voice raising impossibly louder making Y/n wince as she tried to step past him. "Maybank dumped you and now you're stalking him? That's fucked up, even for a damn pogue." Topper laughed at his friend and a tear threatened to fall from Y/n's eye. 

Shaking her head quickly to try and fend off the tear, she scoffed. "Yes Rafe, I'm a pogue, I think we've covered that by now, don't you?" She pushed at him again but was denied once more. Y/n clenched her teeth, preparing to run again when she heard footsteps coming up behind her.

"Let her go, Cameron." JJ threatened as he stepped in front of Y/n. When JJ turned his face to hers his eyes were wide and she could see the guilt in them, looking away quickly, tears welling. "Y/n, let's get out of here." He tried to turn his back on Rafe, which was a mistake. The older boy grabbed JJ's shirt collar and pulled him back.

"We were just talking about how sad it is for baby pogue to be following you and Kie around, I mean you broke up with her, so she's gotta be pretty pathetic that even you didn't want her." Rafe and Topper laughed loudly, fist bumping each other. 

JJ was quick to act, swinging on Rafe before the other boy even knew what happened. JJ was quick with his jabs, hitting Rafe twice before he swung back sloppily. JJ had the upper hand from the start and Rafe was quick to end it by falling into Topper as he scrambled away from JJ. Y/n spoke his name barely over a whisper as she touched his shoulder lightly. The blond physically relaxed when she touched him and his head whipped yo where they connected. Pulling her hand back quickly, Y/n turned tail and ran away from the scene. 

JJ was quick to follow, but he knew she was faster, she would no doubt lose him in minutes. Pushing on, JJs boot slapped the pavement as he yelled for her. Y/n ran quickly, tears freely pouring down her face as she made turn after turn hoping to hide. Within minutes of breathless running, Y/n had finally made it to her front door, pushing it open, she ran inside, slammed the door and slid her back down it as she fell to the floor. Sobs ripped from her throat as she heard JJs footsteps running up her porch before pounding his fist on the door. "Y/n, please open the door." His voice was breathless but soft. "Come on, Y/n." 

Hiccupping loudly, the girl scrambled to her feet and willed them to carry her body up the stairs. Once to her room, she threw herself onto her bed and curled into a ball. She could hear JJ's voice, calling to her from the back yard as she covered her ears.

"Y/n, come on, please just talk to me!" JJ shouted up at her window. "Please, just let me explain! Y/n!" He paced back and forth, before going back to staring up at her window, his heart throbbed when he saw her stand and watch him from the window. "Y/n, princess, please just talk to me." JJ clasped his hands together, pleading with her.

Y/n stood at her window, holding the curtain aside and stared at the blond, tears streamed down her face. Throwing the door open to her small outside loft, she scoffed, "Don't fucking call me that, asshole. You lost the right to call me when you dumped me for her."

"Hey! No! I didn't dump you to be with her, Y/n." He rubbed the back of his neck and pulled his hat off. "It just kind of happened, honestly. Look, Y/n, please just talk about this with me." He pleaded, scrubbing a hand over his face. JJ knew he had fucked up, he knew he had lied to her. He did break up with Y/n for Kiara. He remembered back to that day, when a seemingly off the wall question made things explode in his mind. From that day one, he found himself gravitating towards his best friend, he noticed the way the sun made her skin glow when she laid on the HMS Pogue. JJ noticed Kie and he pulled away from Y/n.

They were having a kegger, shocker I know, and John B and Pope were manning the keg. JJ stood off to the side with his arm around Y/n's shoulders but his face was close to Kie, whispering something in her ear that made her throw her head back in laughter. A pang of jealousy made its way into her heart, and she tugged in JJ's hand lightly, trying to get his attention back on her. She knew it was childish, she knew she shouldn't be jealous, she just couldn't help it. 

Instead of giving her his attention, he withdrew his arm from around her, crossing them over his chest, face turning red when Kie asked him to dance. "Well then, my lady, let's dance." He bowed deeply, offering his hand dramatically which she took, matching his drama equally. Y/n stood alone, watching her boyfriend and a girl who was supposed to be her best friend, dancing closely, JJ's hands hovering just above her skin. 

John B happened to watch the scene unfold, walked over and wrapped the girl up and swung her around tightly, "Come on Y/n, I know you know how to man the tap and Pope is truly awful." He threw the girl over his shoulder, smiling at her laughing shrieks as he dropped her by the keg. 

It was almost an hour later that JJ reappeared at the keg. "Hey princess, there you are, I've been looking for you!" JJ slurred, his eyes hazy and a smile grew on his face. He leaned in for a kiss and Y/n turned her head as he kissed her cheek instead. "Awe come on, babe, gimme a kiss." 

"I've been right here since you left me to dance with Kie, JJ, you're the one who's been gone." Y/n spat at him, pouring another beer before handing it to John B to pass off. "Where did you go? Why'd you leave me?" She tossed the tap a little hard, causing a loud clunk sound when it hit the keg. Crossing her arms over her chest she just stared at JJ while he stared at his boots.

"Jesus, Y/n, not this again? Kie asked me to dance and then we went to smoke, it's not like we were hooking up in the sand." He spoke with anger but it didn't reach his eyes, his eyes radiated guilt. "Nothing happened, I swear." John B scoffed, turning to look at the pair.

"Methinks he doth protest too much." John B glared at his best friend, he had heard the lie when it fell from the boy's mouth. Y/n was easily the best thing that had ever happened to his best friend and here he was fucking it up, just by being his typical JJ self. 

"Fuck off JB, stay out of it." JJ growled at him, pointing an angry finger at the boy. "You don't know what you're talking about."

John B stood up, walking toward JJ and pushed his chest. "I know that you're about to mess up the best thing you've ever had because you can't keep it in your pants." He turned towards Y/n, her chin trembling with understanding. "Y/n, I'm sorry that your boyfriend is a giant horny child who can't see how great he already has it." 

JJ pushed John B back and got close to his face, "leave it alone, John B. Y/n trusts me, don't you princess? You know I wouldn't lie to you." 

Y/n took a small step towards the boys, John B stepped back and JJ stepped forward. She shook her head softly, letting a tear escape and slide down her cheek. "I don't." Those two words took the breath from her lungs and she held a hand over her trembling chest. JJ's face went from anger, to shock and back to anger in just a few seconds. 

JJ angrily stepped back, pacing a few steps away from her before rushing forward until they were chest to chest, he looked down at her but she wouldn't look up. John B rushed forward quickly, ready to pull the blond away if he needed but Y/n held up her hand and he stopped. JJ reached for her chin but she jerked her head away, staring him in the eyes. "Why are you with me if you don't trust me, Y/n? Huh?" 

"I don't know anymore JJ." Y/n sighed, a silent sob shaking her frame.

"Then let me save you the trouble." He seethed in her face, "were done, Y/n. Done." His words were like venom and she shrunk back, hand clenching her shirt front now. "Hope you liked it while you had it, because the fairy tale is over princess." He stormed off, leaving Y/n in the middle of a group that had gathered for their fight. Kie stood off to the side and JJ walked straight to her and pulled her  away by the arm behind him. John B was quick to Y/n's side, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her the opposite way, still staring after JJ, Y/n's body moved on its own to follow. 

The fight was two weeks ago, today was the first day she went back to the boneyard. She just wanted to walk around, listen to the water, instead she stumbled along JJ and Kie, then Topper and Rafe and her whole day was ruined. "You called me paranoid. You wanted me to trust you while you lied to my face. You got angry when I didn't trust you and you broke my heart, all for you to confirm my original suspicions from a month ago? JJ, what is there for us to talk about? You ripped my heart out that night in front of the whole island, I've got nothing to say to you."

"Nothing happened that night, Y/n, I fucking swear to god, nothing happened between me and Kie." JJ shouted, waving his arms wildly. "Y/n come on, just come down here." 

"Okay so you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor, JJ. You told me that there was nothing between going on and two weeks later you're macking on Kie on the beach. What am I supposed to think?" Y/n ran a hand through her hair and sighed loudly. 

"Things with Kie and I are different now, yes, but Y/n we aren't together right now. Nothing happened while we were together, it was after." JJ pleaded with her, "you know how I felt about her before you came along and then you took over my life in the best way possible but now I have a chance with Kie and I'm going to take it."

"Do you love her, JJ?" Y/n's voice was laced with pure heartbreak as she held her breath for his answer.

"I don't know, maybe." He sighed loudly, throwing his hat to the ground. 

A sob tore past Y/n's lips and she saw a tear slip down JJs face. "I was there through every fight with your dad, through every encounter with the cops. I was here." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "God JJ I wish you had thought this whole thing through before you made me fall in love with you." 

"She was the first girl I had a crush on in my life, I'm sorry Y/n. She's always been in my head. I did love you, honest. I loved you so much. Please don't doubt that. I know it'll take a while, but I hope you can be okay with this."

"You can't ask that of me. I'm glad you finally caught your unicorn, JJ, really, but just know that you'll forever be my Kie." Y/n turned with a final sob and walked back into her room, closing the door and sliding down the glass. 

[mrsalwayswritex]

Daughters of Mayhem

A/N: Gif is not mine, credits to the original owner. This is supposed to be a series but lets be honest, who knows when that will get done but other parts are in the works.

Pairing: Jax Teller x OC (Winston!sister)

Warnings: Swearing, smoking, violence, shaming, abuse.

Word Count: 7.8k

Katrina Winston sat in her dorm in the clubhouse, admiring her extravagant birthday present to herself, a beautiful diamond ring. She felt silly, having bought it for herself, but with all the denim and tank top outfits she wore, she felt she needed something flashy.

"So which one of your boy toys gave you the ring?" Jax shouted as he kicked open the door. "I got a message saying you were flashing a new ring around to the crow eaters." He waved his phone in the air for emphasis.

Putting her hand over her heart, she yelped loudly. "Jesus Christ Jax, a little warning next time. You scared me half to death." Shaking her head and sticking her tongue out at him.

"Answer the fucking question, Trina." Jax growled, stepping towards her slowly and grabbing her wrists harshly. 

"No one bought it for me, Jax-" she was cut off by Jax stepping onto her bed and leaning over her menacingly.

"Don't fucking lie to me." His hand  moved to wrap around her throat, squeezing tightly. "You're sleeping around now aren't you?" He spat in her ear. She could smell the whiskey on his breath as she scratched at his hands until they bled. "I know you've been spending time with Juice. You fucking my brothers, Trina? You decide that the life of a slut is better than the life of an old lady?"

"Jax-" she managed to choke out, smacking his hands furiously. He suddenly let go and moved off the bed. "What the hell is wrong with you, Jackson?" She rasped as she rubbed at her throat. Standing up and moving quickly across the room, away from him, watching  him flex his hands a few times, eyes closed.

Jax turned his head and looked at her sideways, a smile that was anything but kind spread across his face. "What's wrong with me? Seriously, Trina?" He laughed a dark laugh, making Trina shy away further. He took a step forward, his jaw clenched so tightly that his words came out as a growl. "You probably fucked them all didn't you?" Jax chuckled darkly. "You're nothing but a crow eating whore now, huh?" He took another step towards her, "spreading your legs to whoever will take you for a ride." Another step forward, Trina stepped back but ran into her dresser, causing her to look away from Jax. Big mistake. He took the brief distraction as a chance to move in and corner her against the wall and dresser. "Just can't be without the leather can you, bitch." He shoved her into the wall by her shoulders and she cried out and pushed forward, earning her another slam into the wall, her head bouncing harshly, and his arm pinned across her chest.

Trina's lip was quivering and her breath was coming out in short puffs, Jax was standing close enough that her breath was blowing tufts of his hair. "Jax, I swear no one bought me the ring, I-" She was cut off again by his hand wrapping around her throat once more. "Jax-" she gripped his hand but it wasn't helping, he was too strong. The tears were running down her face freely now and she sobbed, "Please."

"That's right, you beg, beg like the slut you are." Jax spit out close to her face. Trina felt like passing out, Jax was too strong for her to take, she could feel the darkness creeping into her vision when in a last moment panic set in and she failed about, leaving a bloody scratch down Jax's face to match his hand and she kicked her legs wildly until she felt a sudden rush of air entering her lungs. "Fucking whore!" Jax grunted as he dropped her and fell to the floor beside her. Her flailing had saved her.

"Jackson I don't know what the fuck your problem is but had you just listened to me," she pulled herself away from him, leaning her back on the edge of her bed, "I bought the ring myself." Trina sniffled with an exasperated laugh. "It's my fucking birthday and I bought myself a gift." She pulled herself up and quickly ran out of the room, stopping short when she realized she had been in the dorms at the clubhouse. Thankfully no one seemed to be around, so she ran out the door and got into her car.

Jax laid on the dorm room floor, staring at the ceiling. All of his senses came back to him at once and he scrambled quickly to get to the bathroom. What have I done? He groaned before spilling the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Sitting on the cold bathroom floor, Jax put his head in his hands and he sobbed. He replayed the night in his head over and over, glad he was still in the bathroom because he heaved all night long. He loved Trina, and here he was, sick over the fact that he had put his hands on her, called her all of those things… because of a rumor that he heard from Ima? "Serves you right." He whispered to himself.

--

It was two days later that Trina managed to pull herself out of her bed and into real clothes, though she had to wear a long sleeve and wear her hair down to cover the marks that Jackson had left on her. She sobbed as she got dressed in a tank top and pulled a SAMCRO hoodie over it, brushed her hair out and pulled on her shorts. Jackson. He had called her about 40 times since that night, and every call went unanswered, until now. She swiped her phone and put it up to her ear with shaking hands.

"Trina? Trina are you there?" Jax's voice sounded softer but more frantic than the last time she heard it. Fucking whore! He had screamed at her, she closed her eyes as more tears fell and she sniffled. "Trina, I'm so fucking sorry." His voice faltered and cracked. "Please can we meet up?"

Trina choked out a laugh, "Are you fucking kidding me Jackson?"

"T, please, we can meet wherever you want, please, please just let me explain."

"I don't want to hear your explanation, Jax." She whimpered and closed her eyes. She loved him so much. "It's done Jackson. It happened and now it's over."

"It's not over baby," he started but she cut him off.

"No. Don't you ever fucking call me that again." She ended the call and threw herself onto her couch and sobbed loudly. It felt like hours before she was able to stand up again. "Katrina Winston, you are not weak. Do not let that leather wearing asshole keep you from your family." She said to herself in her living room mirror, wiping her tear stained face and faking a smile. Perfect. 

Gathering her purse and checking her reflection once more, she walked towards her car. Her phone rang constantly, with Jackson's name showing up every time, and every time she ignored it. When it rang instantly after she hit ignore, she looked at the screen where her brother's face popped onto the screen. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she smiled and answered the call.

"Hey Ope!" She greeted her big brother happily. Hearing the sigh of relief on the other end of the line, she realized she'd been tricked.

"Trina, baby, I need to see you." Jax's voice rushed out, probably for fear of her hanging up again. 

"I'll be at the clubhouse in 20 minutes, Jackson." And with that she hung up the phone. Taking another deep breath, she drove to Teller-Morrow and parked in her normal spot. Trina stared at the clubhouse, hearing the faint music thumping coming from inside. It was her birthday party. A few of the guys had been on a run on her actual birthday, including her brother, Opie and her dad, Piney, but everyone was back now and it was time to face the music. 

The second her door slammed closed, Jax was visible standing by the door, Opie, as usual, was by his side along with Tig and Chibs. Seeing his face for the first time in two days almost broke her, and seeing the soft red scabs going down his cheek made her knees weak. "There's the birthday girl!" Her brother shouted as he scooped her up into a huge bear hug, but he set her down quick and gently when she hissed in pain. "Shit! I'm sorry Kat, are you alright? What happened?" Trina gave her brother a half hearted smile and playfully smacked him in the chest.

"It's just you, ya big oaf, you squeezed too hard." Shooting Jax a quick glance, she grinned at her brother who laughed loudly. 

"I'm sorry, I just can't believe I miss your birthday!" He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she bit back a wince. "Hey why don't you come inside and we can finally get this thing started? Dad's dying to see you." He pulled her towards the door, but she stayed in place. 

"You guys go in, Jackson and I need to talk for a minute." Trina leaned up and kissed her brother's cheek and patted his chest. "I'll be right in." Chibs touched her back with a light smile and Tig leaned in to kiss her cheek as he passed. 

Once they were alone, she turned to face the man she loved more than anything. "Sit down Jackson." She spat, and he obeyed instantly, planting himself onto the table behind him. He opened his mouth to speak and she held up her hand. "You don't get to talk, alright? It's my turn. You broke me, you know that? You shattered me into a million fucking pieces that night." She furiously wiped a tear from her cheek. "I haven't left my house since then because of the bruises you left on my body and on my soul." Trina whispered and Jax let the tears fall from his eyes. "But I came here to tell you that I will not be the one to rat you out to the club." He stared at her with his mouth agape. 

"You- you won't?" He stood, taking a step towards her, a sob leaving his lips when she flinched back. "I'm so fucking sorry." Jax spoke into the back of his hand as he covered his mouth, closing his eyes. "Please let me touch you, Trina, please." He whimpered, reaching his hand out. "I swear I won't hurt you."

"That's what I thought last time, too." Trina whispered softly, taking another step back. "I can't be with you right now, Jax."

"Don't say that, please." His eyes got wide and he dropped to the ground in front of her. "Please, Trina." He crawled towards her and she still stepped away.

"Jackson, no." Closing her eyes and waved for him to stand up. "I- I need time." When she opened her eyes, he was standing in front of her, careful not to touch her. "I can't say this is forever, because goddammit Jax, I still fucking love you. No matter how much you hurt me the other night, I still fucking love you." Trina choked out a laugh. "How fucking sad is that? You accuse me of cheating on you with the guys I've known all of my life, and here I am still wanting you to hug me and make me feel better." 

Jax leaned forward quickly, wanting to wrap her in a hug but she held up her hand and shook her head. "If we stay out here any longer, someone will come looking for me." She chuckled dryly, wiping her face with her sleeves. "Right now it's my birthday party and I don't want this to happen today." Huffing and running her fingers through her hair, she smacked Jax in the chest. "Now wipe your fucking face and lets go celebrate my birthday, without the club trying to kill you?" She started to walk towards the door, looking back to Jax once more. "I don't want them to know this is over yet, I'm not ready for that. Just keep your distance and I'll try to not flinch when you touch me."

Jax wiped his face with the sleeve of his tee-shirt and nodded, rushing ahead to open the door for her. The clubhouse was packed full of members, even some from other charters, and they all shouted when they walked in. "Happy birthday to the SAMCRO Princess!" Trina gave a big smile, waving and blowing kisses to everyone as she walked through to the bar. "I was beginning to think that you two had ditched us here!" Half Sack grinned as he handed Trina a beer and poured Jax a shot. She smiled at him and shook her head.

"Like my dad would let me leave my own party." She laughed lightly, biting her cheek when Jax draped his arm around her shoulders and leaned into her ear.

"I'm sorry, I know my touch makes your skin crawl right now, but you know we gotta keep up appearances if you don't want them finding out." Jax whispered and her hand flew to her mouth to cover the sob that tore out. Fucking whore. His voice, while gentler now, had brought back flashes and Trina stood up so quickly she dropped her beer. "Someone's been pre gaming, eh princess?" Jax shouted to the crowd of club members who looked towards the sound of shattering glass, making them cheer loudly and Trina shrugged her shoulders with a grin. "Get her another, Sack." Jax ordered and the prospect was quick to obey.

Trina grabbed the beer and walked away from Jax, searching for her brother and father and finding them in the corner of the large room. Opie was holding the waist of his wife, Lyla, and Piney was rolling a joint. "There's my girl!" Piney shouted as she got closer, she grinned happily and ran over to her dad who stood to embrace his daughter. "Happy birthday Princess." He grinned as he wrapped her in a hug and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry we missed it." He frowned and sat back down, pushing out a crow eater out of a chair with his cane and offering the chair to Trina, who accepted it with a 'sorry' smile at the downed woman. 

"Don't worry about it, daddy, you're here now and that's what matters." She touched his hand and he grasped hers right back. "I'm just glad you guys made it back safe, you know I hate it when you go out there in your condition." She admonished her father who threw his head back and laughed deeply.

"You know I'm invincible, kitten." He laughed, coughing right after. Trina rolled her eyes and looked to her brother and his wife.

"Hey Kat, I missed you at breakfast as Gemma's, what happened?" Lyla asked gently, reaching across the table and Trina grabbed her hand lightly. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah I just overslept, and I was worn out from the night before so I just veged out all day at home, I'm sorry I didn't call." Trina felt awful lying to her sister in law, because Lyla was her best friend and she knew that Lyla would know she wasn't telling the truth. 

"Did the prince have the princess locked away in her tower all night?" Tig wandered towards the table and waggled his eyebrows, earning a punch in the shoulder from Opie.

"Bro thats my sister, let's not." Opie laughed and Tig rolled his eyes.

"Like you don't know that Jax rails your sister every night?" Tig scoffed, waving his hand at them, he quickly closed his mouth when a hand connected with the back of his head.

"Shut your mouth, Tiggy. No one wants to hear you verbally drooling over Trina." Jax grinned and high fives Opie across the table, and sat next to Trina, his hand on her thigh, she noted the red scratches on his hand had started to scab as well.

"Lyla, come dance with me!" Trina jumped up and grabbed the girl's hand, dragging her out into the middle of the room. "Gimme something to dance to, Kip!" She shouted loudly and he gave her a thumbs up, turning the radio up louder. Within minutes the two girls were dancing and laughing loudly, other SAMCRO old ladies joining them. Soon the girls were sweating and laughing as they waved the women off and went to sit back down. Lyla took off her tee-shirt, leaving her in just a tank top as she relished in the air conditioning. 

"Come on Kat I can see you pouring sweat from here, take off that sweatshirt and enjoy the cool air!" Lyla laughed, reaching for Trina's hoodie. Yelping when her hand was smacked away. "Kat? Are you alright?" Trina felt awful hearing the concern in Lyla's voice.

"I'm sorry, I'm fine, honestly, just winded from all that dancing!" Trina laughed, plastering a big smile on her face. "I'm just gonna step out and get some fresh air, I'll be right back." As she stood up to leave, Jax stood quickly and she jumped away from him on instinct.

"What's wrong with you today kitten? Is everything alright?" Piney stood, walking towards the two of them, stepping between her and Jax. 

"Everything is fine, daddy, don't worry so much." Trina joked but her face was scrunched in the way that Opie knew meant she was about to cry. "I'm just gonna go out for a smoke, I promise I'll be right back in." She patted his chest lovingly and turned on her heel and headed for the door. 

"Ope." Piney shouted, watching his daughter walk out the door, nodding his head towards her.

Opie stood quickly, following his sister. "On it." He waved back towards his dad.

-

When Opie opened the door and stepped away from the music, he heard it. His sister was crying and it instantly made the anger boil in his chest. "Kat?" His voice boomed and she jumped, turning towards him and wiping her eyes quickly.

Trina groaned loudly, "Jesus, you guys can never let me just have a minute can you?" She turned her back towards her brother and Opie heard her sniffling. "I'm fine, go tell dad I'm fine too."

Opie walked up carefully towards his baby sister and touched her shoulder, the contact making her jump and then relax. "You aren't fine, Kat." He grabbed her shoulder tighter to spin her around but she cried out in pain. "Jesus, Katrina, what's wrong?" Opie's voice was frantic and it broke her resolve and she wrapped her arms around her brother and sobbed loudly. Opie wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head as she squeezed him and wailed loudly. "I need you to tell me what's going on, Kat, please." He begged her as he ran a soothing hand down her back. 

Pulling away from his embrace she wiped her face with her sleeves before pulling her left sleeve up to her elbow, showing her brother the handprint sized bruise on her wrist, but not meeting his eyes when he rushed forward to grab her hand. "What the fuck is this, Kat? Is this it?" Opies voice was shaking as much as his sister's whole body was. Still looking at the ground, she shook her head slowly. "Come on, come inside." His voice was hard and low, barely above a whisper.

Trina's head shot up quickly, "Opie, please no." Shaking her head fast, grabbing at his arm. "Please."

"Kat, I need you to tell me the fucking truth here." Opie growled, getting close to her and she closed her eyes again and shook her head.

"Please don't ask me, Ope, please." Trina opened her eyes wide and stared into her brother's once soft eyes, now hard and piercing and it scared her. 

"Did Jax-" he stopped and shook his head, clenching his jaw and squeezing his eyes closed. "Did Jax do this?" When she said no words, but she broke down into tears again, Opie shouted, "FUCK!" He was quick to rush inside, Trina right behind him screaming for him to stop, pulling at his arms and dragging her feet.

"Ope, please just stop." She pleaded, but Opie stormed through the door, Trina on his tail. He held his arm out behind him, trying to push her back.

"Shut off the fucking music, prospect." Opie shouted and pointed a finger at him and the music died quickly, a room full of eyes on Opie, Trina pulling on his shirt from behind him. Opies eyes scanned the room, finding Jax sitting at the bar with a puzzled look on his face. When he saw Trina's tear streaked face, the color drained from his face. "YOU!" Opie shouted, storming towards his best friend, getting close enough for one hard blow to the face, knocking the VP out of his barstool. "What the fuck did you do to my sister, huh?" He shouted at Jax, who scrambled backwards on the floor. Opie rushed for him once more, this time being held back by both Tig and Chibs, though he was still trying to push through. "Did you put your fucking hands on my sister Jax? Don't fucking lie to me!" 

"You did what?" Gemma screeched from the other side of the room, Clay scooping his arm around her waist and pulling her close.

Jax glanced at Trina, though she refused to make eye contact. "So much for not ratting me out." 

Opie's eyes got wide and he pushed his way through his brothers holding him back. "Did you fucking beat my sister and tell her not to say anything?" He raged loudly, spit flying from his mouth in anger.

"No!" Jax took a deep breath, pulled himself to his feet and moved to climb on top of the bar. "Trina, I know you tried, and I know it's more than I deserve," he spared her a pained look and she mouthed the words 'I'm sorry' as he stood tall. "Two nights ago, I heard some rumors about Trina from an unreliable source, and instead of going to her like I should have, I got plastered." Jax pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. "I said and did some things that I'm not proud of. Trina, darlin, can you join me up here." When Opie grabbed at her sleeve, she pulled from his grasp and climbed up to stand beside Jax. "I'm so sorry, Trina. I hope one day you'll forgive me." He reached for her hand slowly, and in front of her family and the club, she interlaced her fingers with his, grimacing deeply.

"I know, Jackson." Trina whispered nodding her head sadly, a tear sliding down her cheek. "But I don't know if I can."

"What the fuck is going on here?" Opie shouted, waving his hands in the air. Piney stood and stepped forward so he was beside his son. 

"Yeah, Kitten, what is going on?" Piney had only heard what Opie had said when he walked in, but if Jax Teller had put his hands wrongly on his daughter, he needed the facts.

Trina opened her mouth but no sound came out, she turned to look at Jax. "Katrina told me, just a few hours ago, that she didn't want to rat me out to the club, so if it's alright with you, Ope, Piney. I'd like to tell you what I've done, which is my biggest mistake I've ever made in my entire life." He rubbed his thumb over the ugly purple bruise on Trina's wrist. He had done that. Jax whimpered and used his other hand to pinch the bridge of his nose as his shoulder shook slightly. 

"I was hammered, absolutely trashed and I came in here, blinded by my own rage, and started screaming at Trina about a ring." He sniffled and wiped his eyes before continuing. "I called her horrible things. I accused her of horrible things." His voice broke and Trina rubbed her fingers against Jaxs' tightening her grip. "I grabbed her." He sobbed loudly as he raised their connected hands to show the group the bruise.

Opie surged forward, Tig and Chibs at the ready, caught him and Piney held onto his shoulder. 

Jax threw his head back, sniffling and clearing his throat. "Trina, would you- would you please remove your sweatshirt?" His voice cracked and Trina shook her head softly, letting his hand go and he shuddered at the loss. "Please don't make me do this." She pleaded with her brother, but he shook his head. "Daddy, please." Trina pleaded with her dad.

"Just do it and get it over with kitten, we're all here for you." Piney kissed his daughters hand.

"Before I do this, I need you guys to know a few things." She cleared her throat, "I don't exactly hate Jackson. I still love him more than anything in the world," Trina looked to Jax and gave him a sad smile before looking to her brother and father. "Daddy, Ope, please don't kill him." Laughing sadly she wiped her eyes and nodded her head. "Here goes everything." She whispered softly as she made eye contact with Jax and pulled the hem of her sweatshirt over her head. 

"Jesus christ." Jax sobbed out, covering his mouth when he saw the dark purple and yellow bruises that covered her chest. Hand prints on either shoulder, a long nasty bruise from where he had pinned her with his forearm, and when she raised her head again and made eye contact with her brother, Chibs gasped when he saw the bruise that wrapped around the entire front of her neck. Jax fell to his knees on the bar and threw his head into his hands, sobbing uncontrollably.

More than a few of the other SAMCRO members jumped quickly towards the bar, and Jax didn't move an inch. Hands were everywhere, pulling and pushing at him, knocking him to the floor. Juice didn't hold back for a second, grabbing Jax by the arm and kicking wildly at any place he could reach. Trina screamed loudly, "Enough!" Everyone stopped and looked at her, "Ope, please just stop." When Jax looked up, he was met with the barrel of Opie's gun. "Opie!" She reached for him, grabbing his hand, but he kept it pointing at Jax. 

"Why? Give me one good reason I should end him right fucking here." Opie seethed, spit flying from his clenched jaw. Making grabby hands at Tig, he gently lifted her off the bar and onto the floor where she stepped between her brother and Jackson. Opie simply moved his gun around her head, keeping it pointed at him.

"Let him do it, Trina." Jax whispered, he looked up at her, seeing the damage he caused made him close his eyes as more tears fell. "I fucking deserve it." 

"No, Jackson. You deserved it two nights ago, but right now? You don't." Piney looked at the man with a grimace. "I can see that you feel the pain you inflicted on my little girl. I know you Jackson, I know you as well as I know my own kids." Piney put his hand on Opies shoulder. "Put the gun away, son. Can't you see it? Can you see the remorse?"

"I can see the fucking bruises around my sisters neck, those I can see." Opie didn't blink, his eyes staring holes into Jax. "You're supposed to be my brother Jax. You're supposed to be my best friend." His face was red and Trina watched a tear run down his face as he demanded, "Look at what you did to her, Jackson. Look at what you did to Katrina."

Jax lifted his head and made eye contact with Trina. Tears were flowing freely down her face, her shoulders shaking. "I'm- I'm so fucking sorry." He reached for her and Opie moved closer, gun still pointed when Piney tugged at his shoulder. Trina grabbed his hand and pulled it towards her chest. "Trina-" he sobbed as she laid his hand softly on her long bruise, wincing slightly and Jax tried to pull his hand back, but she held it there.

"You did that, brother." Opie whispered, lowering his gun. "You did that to her."

"I know." Jax sobbed, and the club members back away, giving the three of them space but still gawking and grumbling with anger. "I know, I did that." He nodded his head, staring Trina in the eyes. "Trina I am so fucking sorry." 

"I know you are. That doesn't change the fact that I can't be with you right now, Jackson." Her voice trailed off into a whisper and Jax gave a teary nod. "I can't trust you." 

"I deserve that." He mumbled, keeping his head down, Trina scoffed softly.

"You deserve so much more than that, Jax." Trina gritted her teeth. "You were supposed to be the one who protected me, not the one I need protected from." She reached forward and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her. The look on his face made her suck in a breath, defeat; but she wasn't done yet. "You called me slut. You called me whore. You called me a crow eater." Opie lurched forward but Trina held her hand up and he stopped behind her. She leaned towards him, hand still on his chin. "You asked me if I was fucking Juice, since we've been spending so much time together?" Jax nodded his head slightly. "Juicey, come tell Jax what we've been doing behind his back." Trina waved the man over, and he stood behind her, shoulder to shoulder with Opie, hatred visible on his face.

Juice glared down at Jax, leaning down beside Trina. "I've been teaching her to ride solo and helping her build a bike." Jax closed his eyes tightly as more tears fell out. "It was a surprise for you, asshole." Juice, the normally soft man, spit on the floor next to Jax, "Turns out you deserve nothing, you're a piece of shit, and you don't deserve that VP patch." 

Trina let go of Jax's chin and stood up beside Juice and her brother. "Look at me Jackson." Her voice wavered, but she stood tall. When Jax's wet face turned up to look at her, she smacked him straight across the face, the sound echoing in the room. "I love you Jackson, but right now, I can't even look at you. Thanks for ruining my birthday." Spinning on her heel, she walked straight out the door and collapsed onto the table, breath coming out in strained puffs. She clutched her chest as she heaved, holding herself up with one hand on the table.

Lyla was quick to join her outside and ran to her side, immediately rubbing her back and making soft shushing sounds. "Stand up straight, Kat, take deep breaths." Lyla instructed and Trina did as she was told but her breathing wasn't evening out. "Look at me. In through your nose, out through your mouth." Lyla gently laid her hands on her sister-in-laws shoulder and looked her straight in the eye. "Breath with me, Katrina." Trina nodded and kept holding eye contact, copying Lyla's breathing. "Good, that's good. Let's sit down, yeah?" Lyla nodded her head for her and led her towards the bench. 

Trina kept copying the breathing and sat down, closing her eyes. "What do I do now Lyla? Who am I without Jax?" She whispered, eyes squeezed tightly.

Lyla scoffed, running her fingers lightly through Trina's hair. "You are Katrina fucking Winston. You are the baddest bitch in this whole place. You are the Princess of SAMCRO with or without Jax, you are exactly who you've always been, you just got lost is all." Lyla smiled at the broken girl in front of her. "You are the best aunt to the kids, and you will be the first girl to ride with the boys." Brushing some hair behind her ear, "you can be whoever you want to be, but I think that the you you are, is the best."

"What would my family do without you, Lyla?" Trina smiled a real smile for the first time in days.

"Probably shrivel up and die." Lyla shrugged her shoulders and opened her arms, "now come give me a hug and lets get back in there, we have a party to attend." Trina smiled wide and leaned in to give her sister a hug. Lyla stood and extended her hand, "Come on." 

Trina reached forward and grabbed Lyla's hand, standing and locking arms with her, walking towards the door. When she opened it, she saw Jax sitting in a chair, blood streaming from nose, but Opie was handing him a roll of paper towels. "I call that about even." Opie nodded to the man who nodded slightly in return. "For now." He glared at him, and Jax nodded again.

When Opie turned and saw Lyla and Trina with arms linked, his face softened. He wrapped his arms around both of them, kissing the top of Trina's head. "I'm so fucking sorry I wasn't here, Kat. I'm so, so fucking sorry." Trina wrapped her arms around her brother and squeezed him as tightly as she could. "This wouldn't have happened if I was here."

"Don't be stupid Opie, had you not been on a run, you would have been home with Lyla." She rolled her eyes, "There isn't anything that anyone could have done."

"I can see now that you fought back though." Opie gave a sad smile to his sister. "I knew you wouldn't take that shit lying down."

Trina looked back at the chair that Jax was sitting in, she must have missed when they stripped him of his cut. Seeing him sitting there, bloodied and beaten made her heart clench. Knowing that they had taken his cut had made it worse. This club was all Jax had, he didn't know anything else but the club and now he didn't even have that. "Will they give it back to him?" Trina whispered so softly, Opie almost missed it.

"They will." He nodded, looking back at the man he had called brother since he was old enough to talk. "He just needs time away from everyone. His face is just looking too punchable right now." 

"I think I need to go home, guys. I'm not in the mood to be pitied today." Trina looked around the room, seeing the eyes of other members looking at her sadly. She watched Gemma wipe her eyes and walk towards her son. Holding her breath, Trina watched as the queen gently touched her son's face, lifting it so their eyes met, and a loud crack followed her smacking her hand across his already bloodied face.

“Alright boys, time for Church.” Clay grunted, waving his hand at the group of shocked quiet men. One by one they filed into the room, Jax standing to follow when Clay landed a heavy hand on his shoulder. “Not you.” The large man growled out, pushing Jax down into the chair once more. His piercing gaze fell on Trina. "You, come."

Trina looked to her brother who grasped her hand gently, pulling her into the room where all club decisions were made. Even though she grew up in this clubhouse, she had never been allowed inside that room while Church was happening, until now, and the thought terrified her. When she stepped past Jax, he still had tears freely falling down his face, eyes cast to the floor. Touching his shoulder lightly as she walked in and closed the door behind her. She felt awkward in the room, the eyes of the patched members boring holes into her, she knew they were looking at her bruises and she hated it.

The chair beside Clay sat empty, she knew it was Jax's spot and no one dared to touch it. "Alright, so while normally we wouldn't let the ladies in here, I think that Katrina has more than earned her right to be present so let's get started." He cleared his throat, reaching for his cigar and pulling out a large lighter. "Opie, Piney, Trina, you guys have the floor. What do we do about Jackson?" 

Opie was first to smack his fist on the table. "What do you mean, 'What do we do?' I think I've pretty much shown what I wanted to do to him." He looked to his sister and she reached her hand out to him. "He hurt my sister, Clay." Opie rubbed his thumb over the bruise on her wrist. "He bruised her."

"Can I say something?" Trina's voice rasped out. Clay nodded his head towards her. "Jax fucked up, ok? No one knows that better than me." She chuckled dryly, shifting from her right to left feet and back again. "But I don't think he deserves to be de patched." Opie spun his head towards her, but she held a finger up to stop his words. "I think this should be temporary."

Tig leaned forward on the table and gaped at her. "After everything he did to you, you don't think he deserves to meet Mr. Mayhem." Trina shook her head quickly.

"Absolutely not!" She shouted, pushing between her father and brother to lean on the table. "You think that just because he beat up a woman that he should die? What a thought from you of all people Tiggy." A few of the men chuckled, and Trina continued. "I'm serious, Jackson fucked up, but the only reason you aren't all laughing and drinking with him right now is because it was me." She locked eyes with Clay and he nodded again. "If it was Ima you would all laugh, hell it was Ima once and you all did laugh. So just because it was me, you want him crucified." Standing tall, she crossed her arms over her chest, wincing slightly. "If I have a choice or a vote in this, I say make it a probation. A long probation, but that's it. He stays here, he works to the bone like the Prospects do. Extra shifts at T.M, et cetera."

Clay leaned forward and folded his hands together. "I agree." He gave the girl a soft smile. "All for probation, say 'Aye'." Clay raised his hand, Trina following his lead.

"Aye." She was the first to respond.

Chibs gave her a look and reached for her, "Are ya sure about this, lass?"

"I am."

Chibs nodded his head at her and raised his hand. "Aye."

Tig shook his head and raised his hand, though he couldn't bring himself to say the words.

Juice was next to reach over to her and touch her arm softly, he looked at her with a grin. "Aye." Trina smiled at him and gripped her hand around his wrist. 

"Thank you." She mouthed at him with a smile.

Opie looked at his dad, pleading with his eyes, but for what, Trina couldn't put her finger on it. "Aye." Piney grunted, rubbing his head roughly.

"Fuck it." Opie breathed out. "Aye." He dropped his head low, "but we better treat him as bad as we do the prospect." 

Happy, who had been shockingly silent through the whole scene, nodded his head with a smile that chilled Trina's blood. "Oh I'll make sure of that brother. Aye." 

Bobby looked at her with a proud smile and raised his hand, "Aye." 

Clay picked up the gavel and smacked it on the table. "The 'ayes' have it. Probation it is." A few of the men clapped and Clay waved his hand. "The second matter at hand. Juice says that he's been teaching Trina how to ride?" He looked at Juice and waved his hand around the room. Juice stood up and cleared his throat. 

"For the last few months, Trina and I have been building her a bike from pieces she finds in the shop and online, and I wanted to give her the final piece today for her birthday." He pulled a large box from under the table and Trina's jaw dropped.

"Juicey, you didn't!" She squealed happily, clapping her hands together. 

He nodded back enthusiastically, looking to Clay. "And I know you said you wanted to wait until you had a chance to talk to Clay but I took the opportunity to do it myself a few weeks ago with the final design you sent me." Clay smiled brightly at the girl and leaned back.

"And I agreed, whole heartedly, but" The club president puffed his cigar a few times before clearing his throat. "Ladies are, I'm sorry Trina, not able to be patched in as SAMCRO." Her shoulders fell slightly, looking confused at Juice who was still smiling. "Though that doesn't mean that we couldn't have a separate small charter add on." Clay winked at her, pushing the box towards her. "Happy Birthday, Princess." 

Trina grinned, ripping the tape off the box quickly and digging through the packing peanuts, making her brother laugh as she tossed handfuls on him. Sucking in a breath as her hands touched the cool metal, pulling it out of the box, revealing to the room her black and green gas tank, complete with the Reaper's scythe with an open winged crow standing atop it. "Oh Juicey, it's more beautiful than I imagined." She ran her fingers over her own specialized decal, hugging it to her chest. "Oh I love it so much." She laid it gently in the box and walked to wrap herself around Juice, who held her close. "Thank you."

"You're so welcome, Trina." Juice hugged the girl tight, proud that his idea brought her joy after everything she went through.

"I would like to propose that our own Princess, Katrina Winston, be the first and founding member of the Daughters of Mayhem MC. A branch of the Sons of Anarchy, for the precious daughters and loved old ladies." Clay raised his eyebrows to the room. "All in favor?"

Trina covered her mouth and happy years flowed down her face as the room erupted in a resounding 'Aye' followed by clapping and cheers. 

"It's unanimous, the 'ayes' have it." Clay shouted over the cheers, banging his gavel a few times with a smile from ear to ear as Trina ran up to him and threw herself into his arms.

"Thank you so much Clay, you don't know what this means to me." Trina's eyes glistened happily as he hugged her back. "You'll help me right? I don't know how to run a club." 

"I'll help you with whatever you need, honey." Clay kissed her cheek and raised her hand and the table erupted in cheer again.

"Daughters of Mayhem!" Trina laughed loudly, the men repeating her words, taking turns wrapping her in hugs.

"Church concluded!" Clay clapped, banging his gavel a dozen times on the table.

-

Two months later, Trina rode her black and green painted Harley into the lot at Teller-Morrow, parking it among those of her family, pulling her helmet off and shaking her hair knot out. Pulling her sunglasses off her tank top and sliding them onto her face, she made eye contact with Jax, who was scrubbing the floor of the garage. She raised her hand in a small wave and he nodded back.

"Kat! You're late!" Opie shouted from across the parking lot. He stood in a beater and jeans, a tool belt wrapped around his waist. 

Trina waved a hand at him, walking over towards the small construction site they were adding in the yard. "I'm here now, what's up?" Stopping beside her brother and looking at the small building attached to the club house, the new Daughters of Mayhem meeting room. 

Opie scrubbed a hand over his beard, "Where do you want the logo to go? Big? Small? In front? Side?" Putting his hands on head as he walked around the empty walls. "I think big on the side, like the Reaper is on the main building." 

Trina followed her brother around, sliding her glasses up her forehead. "I think you're right, but not too big, I don't wanna feel like it's competing with the Reaper, you know?"

Opie nodded, kissed his sister's cheek and patted her back. "I got you, sis."

"I know you do, brother." She smiled at him and walked towards the clubhouse. Clay waved at her from the door.

When she got close enough, Clay pulled her in for a hug. "We brought it to the table, and if you think it's the right time, we thought you could give Jackson his cut back, let him join us in the charity ride." Clay pointed to the soft leather cut that she loved so much. 

Touching her own, brand new soft leather cut, complete with her brand new patch, thinking of how it would have felt to be stripped of it. "I think I'm ready, but let me do this my way." Clay nodded as she grabbed the cut gently, bringing it to her nose and inhaling the still barely there scent. 

"We leave in 20." Clay patted her back and walked back to the dorms. Trina gently folded the cut, pushing it into her backpack before walking back outside. Back over towards the new building, Trina leaned into her brother. "We leave for the charity run in 20. Go get cleaned up." Opie nodded, pulling his tool belt off and walking towards the club house. Trina pulled her pack of cigarettes out of her pocket and walked towards the shop.

"Hey T." Jax gave her a small smile as he wiped his hands on a towel." You getting ready for the charity thing?" 

"Hey Jax." She leaned on the wall. "Yeah we're headed out soon." Trina offered him a smile, which he took happily. "You miss it?"

Jax snorted, shaking his head. "More than anything." He locked eyes with her. "Well, almost anything." 

Trina didn't miss his meaning, but she didn't respond to it. "You fucked up Jax, but," she tossed her backpack at his feet and Jax looked at it curiously. "You've paid your debt." She threw the cigarette into the lot and turned on her heel. Jax opened the bag and looked at her with his mouth hanging open.

"You coming or not?" She winked over her shoulder and Jax tore his cut out of the back and shrugged it on, looking more like himself than he had in months.

"Try and stop me." He ran past her towards his bike, her jogging to keep up. Within ten minutes, the lot was filled with the deafening sound of 30 motorcycles roaring to life, Jax riding side by side with Trina, reaching his hand out to her, and she slapped it low, pushing it away.

"Try and keep up, VP." Trina winked again, revving her engine loudly and Jax did the same.

x

[mrsalwayswritex]

This isn’t you

A/N: ok so i just finished this today, but ive been working on it for weeks. I hope you enjoy an angry John B. gif is not mine, credits to the owner

Pairing: No Pairing but this is a Routledge!Reader.

Warnings: Siblings fighting, Angst, uh i think thats all?

Word Count: 5.4k

Today is the day. Big John has been officially missing for a whole month, and now the coast guards are standing at the door, hats in hand, breaking the news to the eldest Routledge child. "I'm sorry son, but it's time to change our approach. We're now looking at body recovery, not a rescue." John B slams the door in the man's face and runs a hand through his hair. With a loud cry he swipes his hands across the table, knocking off unpaid bills and dirty dishes, shattering them on the floor. "Fuck!" He went around the room, clearing every surface one by one. 

"JB? What are you doing?" The youngest Routledge shouted, stepping inside from where she was on the back porch. "Look at this mess! What the hell?" She waved her hands around the room before they settled on her hips. John B looked at his sister with teary eyes as he crumpled to the floor amongst the mess. 

John B sobbed softly as he stared into his sister's eyes. "They called off the search. It's not a rescue anymore, it's a recovery." He closed his eyes as tears slipped down his tanned face. "They can't give up, he's not dead, he's out there and-" 

Y/N cut him off with a soft shushing noise, rushing towards him and folding herself onto the floor in front of him. John B responded by wrapping his sister in his arms and crying freely. "JB, come on." She cooed. "You can't tell me you haven't been prepared for this?" Y/N asked gently, hoping a light voice would soften the blow. 

John B snapped his head up, grabbing her shoulder tightly. "What are you saying? That he's dead? You really think he's dead, Y/N/N?" His wet face contorted into anger quickly. "He's not dead Y/N." He gritted through his teeth. "He's alive and he is out there. Waiting to come home to us, his loving children who knew all along that he was still out there." John B used both hands to grip her shoulders now, using them to push himself to stand, then pulling her up too.

Taking a step back from him, she took a deep breath before putting her hands on his cheeks. "He's gone John B." Y/N spoke sternly, staring into his eyes. "Dad is gone and he's never coming home." John B roughly shoved his sister's hands away from him, shaking his head. "No JB listen to me, it's been a month now, you have to accept that he's not coming back!" She raised her voice at him. 

This is not the first time the siblings have had this argument, usually Y/N telling him to think rationally and John B screaming at her that she was wrong, that he was coming home. They could never agree and it was a horrible topic that got brought up more often than the pogues would have liked. Kie was often a voice of reason and was able to talk John B down from screaming at his sister. But today it was only the two of them, no one there to help diffuse the situation. 

"He is coming back, Y/N!" John B shouted, gripping her shoulders even tighter. "Stop fucking saying that he's not!" He shook her roughly, his fingers sure to leave marks on her bare shoulders. 

"I'll stop saying it when he walks through the door J, until then I stand by the fact he's never coming home!" She tried to pull away from him but he only gripped her tighter. "He abandoned us JB! He abandoned us and now he's dead!" She cried, "Dad is dead and he's never coming home!" 

What happened next was something that neither of them ever thought would happen. Never in a million years could Y/N have expected her brother to act this way. John B stared into his sister's eyes, the same eyes she shared with their father. Y/N didn't recognize the look in her brother's eyes, the clouded fury behind them, and then he shook her harshly before pushing her backwards. The girl stumbled for a second, waving her arms to catch her balance but it was no use, pain blossoming quickly as she crashed hard into the end table, clattering to the floor with a hiss. "He's dead, John B." She cried from the floor, shying away when his foot connected with her side again and again. 

Y/N tried to keep her mouth shut, her whimpers being swallowed as quickly as they bubbled up. She grabbed for his leg, his hand, anything she could reach to try and stop the attack, but to no avail. John B stopped, seemingly snapping awake again, when there was a crunch and a scream. "FUCK!" He screamed, moving from his whimpering sister and punching the wall above her. When he bent down beside her, looking at the wreckage he had caused, he sucked in a breath after he reached for her and she pulled away sharply. 

Scrambling to her feet as quickly and carefully as she could, trying to put distance between her and her big brother. The brother she looked up to since she was a kid, the brother who protected her for years, the brother who had beaten up and gotten beaten up for her over the years. The very same brother who had just wailed on her, who had just broken a rib or two. Y/N kept her eyes to the floor, hand touching gently to her side, sobbing softly. "Y/N/N," John b reached out her her, the sound of her crying breaking through whatever the fuck had just happened in his head, covering his mouth to cover his own sob when she flinched away from him. "Y/N, please look at me." He reached for her again but when she slammed her back into the wall to avoid his touch, he took a step back from her. "Y/N, please, I'm so sorry." He sobbed, "I don't know what happened, please Y/N/N you gotta believe me." 

Shaking her head, she pushed past him and ran for her room as quickly as she could, while favoring her broken ribs. John B reached out for her as she slid past him but when he caught her wrist, she screamed out in pain, Y/N's other hand squeezing into a fist and connecting with the side of his face. "Don't fucking touch me right now John Booker." She gritted through her teeth, spit flying as she pulled her hand out of his grasp and slammed the door behind her. Dropping to her bed with a loud sob, she rolled off of her side and curled herself into a ball and cried. Y/N laid there and cried. Cried for her dead father. Cried for her angry brother. She cried for herself and eventually fell asleep, only to be awakened by a soft knock on her door. 

"Lucky?" John B knew he was fighting dirty, using the nickname their father used when his sister was a child. He opened the door slightly, pushing through with a cup of tea for the both of them. When he looked at his sister curled up, tear stained face, and sniffling softly, he stopped. 

Y/N curled herself tighter, a fresh wave of tears coming as she looked into her brother's eyes. "Go away." She whispered, her voice hoarse from crying. John B just couldn't take that as an answer and walked towards her. "I'm serious, JB, leave me alone." Y/N pushed herself into a sitting position, crawling carefully to the farthest side of her bed. Wiping her hand across her eyes and wincing when she tried to tuck her knees against her chest. 

"Y/N, please," he set the steaming mug of tea on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. "Just let me explain."

She stared at her brother, a bruise forming on his cheekbone. "What is there to explain?" She laughed dryly, wiping fresh tears away angrily. "We argued, we fought, it's done." She crossed her arms over her chest, wincing in pain before uncrossing them with a frustrated growl. "I'm broken and you're bruised, we're both sorry and we both still love each other." She glared at him, not able to meet his eyes, instead looking at a spot on her blanket and picking at it. 

John B sighed, reaching his hand across the bed to touch hers before pulling back quickly when she flinched away. "Jesus, Y/N/N, I'm so fucking sorry." He stood up and gave her a sad smile, staring at her, hoping she would meet his gaze, but when that didn't happen he sighed and turned towards the door. 

It was well into the night when Y/N emerged from her room, slouched slightly to not stretch her sore and tender ribs. The house was dark except for the television flickering in the living room, John B stretched out on the couch, snoring softly. Y/N reached her hand out slowly, stretching her sore rib carefully, and ran her fingers over her brother's bruised cheek. "I'm sorry J, and I forgive you." She whispered quietly, stilling her hand when he stirred. 

"I forgive you too, lucky." John B murmured, eyes never opening. She smiled down at her big brother, tapping his nose softly like she's done since she was little. She carefully sat on the loveseat beside the couch, propping herself up so she wasn't in pain and drifted off to sleep in the mostly dark living room. 

-

The next morning, both Routledge kids were startled awake by a pounding on the front door. John B was quick to jump up and run towards the sound while Y/N jumped lightly and hissed in pain, forgetting about her ribs. John B looked at her sadly before opening the door, Sheriff Peterkin standing in the doorway. "Good morning John B, Y/N." The sheriff nodded to the both as she pushed her way in the house. Both of them responded with soft 'good mornings', John B closing the door behind her. "I've been informed that the coast guard has called off the rescue, which means as of now, Big John Routledge has been declared dead at sea. You know what that means?" Sheriff Peterkin asked them softly, looking around the chateau at the mess from the night before that neither John B nor Y/N had cleaned up yet. When neither answered her, she turned to look at them both. "It means that CPS will be calling soon." John B looked at the sheriff with wide eyes. 

"There has to be something you can do? Peterkin, they will separate us!" John B shouted and the sheriff didn't miss the way his younger sister flinched when he yelled. "You can't let them separate us!" He slammed his hand down on the table and Y/N jumped again. 

"Hey, John B, just calm down now." The sheriff put her hand on his chest and glanced at Y/N, who still stayed nestled into the couch avoiding eye contact. Switching gears, Sheriff Peterkin pointed at her own cheekbone. "What happened there, John B?" He reached up, hissing when he touched the edge of a bruise. 

John B shook his head, waving his hand in her direction. "It's nothing, but seriously, Peterkin, you've got to help us," he spoke sternly, looking at his sister, "you can't let them take her away from me. She's all I have left." The way his voice dropped low made the sheriff's heart ache for these kids. 

"I'll do what I can, kids, but until then just lay low. Don't cause any attention to yourselves, you hear me?" She looked at both of them and nodded. "Get in touch with your uncle, he should be your guardian right now." She nodded her head at them and walked towards the door. "Also you should get this mess cleaned up before you get some questions." She nodded to John B and spared a glance at Y/N which made her heart break. The usually fiery teen sat still and quiet the whole visit, which wasn't normal. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me." She nodded at the girl who finally looked at her, Y/N nodded back with a glance at her brother. 

Seconds after they watched Peterkin pull out of their driveway, there was a tap tap at the side window, making Y/N jump and wince. When she moved the thin curtain, JJ Maybank smiled at her. No matter how much pain she was in, no matter her mood, the one thing that could make her smile, was JJ. Waving him in, his grin got bigger, he nodded and ran around to the door. 

"Big swell out there, kids." JJ clapped his hands loudly when he charged through the door. "Let's get off these asses and into that water!" He emphasized his words by smacking John B in the butt with a 'whoop' . JJ looked around the room and whistled. "What happened here?" JJ turned towards John B and looked at Y/N. "Lucky? What happened?" 

Y/N sighed, standing up and biting back the hiss of pain, "Coast Guard came by to say they stopped the search." She walked towards her brother, stepping around him without touching him, which JJ noted. "We got a little angry and trashed the house, no big deal."

"And what about your face JB?" He questioned, hands crossing over his chest. 

John B opened his mouth to answer but Y/N was quick to come to his rescue again. "Rafe and Topper, you know the drill." She laughed with a roll of her eyes. "Damn kooks get pissed when we go to the 8 but think they can just strut around the cut with no repercussions." Y/N tapped her hand in the door frame, "now are you done with the questions? The waves are calling." She gave him a smile and he smiled back. 

"As you wish, princess." JJ bowed at her with a wink, smiling until she walked away. "So what really happened, JB?" He turned towards his best friend who just shrugged.

"Just like she said, Rafe and Topper cornered me on the beach." He patted his best friend on the shoulder before walking towards his own room. "If you think I look bad you should see them. I didn't get any hits in, they just look awful." He shot finger guns at the blond and turned the corner.

"Fine. Don't tell me." JJ huffed, leaning down to scoop up papers and envelopes from the floor, tossing them back onto the table. When both siblings returned to the living room, JJ had picked up most of the clutter on the floor and stacked it on the table. "I got bored, and you took forever." He looked over the two of them, eyeing the distance between the usually stuck-at-the-hip siblings. "Are we ready? Kie and Pope are already there waiting," he huffed, ushering them towards the door, "Pope says we're missing some sick waves." 

Once in the van, JJ climbed into the backseat with Y/N, settling close to her, pulling a joint out of his hat and waving it in her face. "Ready to start the day the right way, Lucky?" She grinned back at him, laying her head on his shoulder. Y/N would never admit it outloud, but she loved when JJ called her that. Other than her brother, JJ was her best and longest friend, he had been around the family for years and years and had picked up the affectionate nickname her father had given her. As much as she missed her dad, she was glad that someone else was around to keep the name alive. 

Y/N was always a daredevil, and maybe that's why her and JJ had gotten along so well, but when she would go out and no matter what trouble she got into, she never got hurt. Her father had taken to calling her Lucky when she was 4 and thought it would be fun to jump off the front of the boat, while they were still moving forward. Big John was so scared that his little girl would get sucked into the propeller that when she swam alongside the boat safely, keeping her fathers swim lessons in her mind. When she very narrowly avoided the propeller, he had said she was lucky. As in she was always Lucky to be alive. Snapping back into the moment when JJ had lit the joint and blew it in her face. "You alive in there?" He smiled but she could see the worry in his eyes. 

"I'm here and totally alive." She smiled, curling into his side stiffly, biting her lip in pain when JJ dropped his arm to wrap around her injured side. She took the joint he offered her and took a deep hit, wincing when the stretch of her lungs pulled at her ribs. "Fuck." She whispered, hand immediately going to her side. 

JJ moved his arm quickly, worried that he had hurt her, when she grabbed his hand and locked her fingers with his. "I'm fine, I promise." She grinned at him and he relaxed slightly. John B watched the two of them in the rear view mirror. He locked eyes with his sister and when she met his eyes, she looked away with a sigh. 

John B couldn't stand what had happened. He couldn't even explain why it happened, or how. He couldn't even remember the moment when he started kicking his own baby sister while she lay on the floor. On the floor, because you pushed her there first, his brain supplied and it made him feel worse. He had hurt his baby sister. Y/N. He hurt Y/N and now she wouldn't even look him in the eye. She was lying so JJ wouldn't find out. Which made the situation worse in John B's mind. He knew what JJ thought if he found out. When, his brain supplied again, unhelpful. When he finds out. John B would be lying to himself if he thought his best friend would never find out. But the thought made him sick. 

They pulled up to the beach and Kie and Pope ran towards them, giving hugs and high fives and then they all took off running with their boards. Y/N was never really a surfer, but she always went into the water with them. This time, instead of pulling her tee shirt off and following them in, she sat on the beach, digging her toes into the sand. She cheered her friends on when they deserved it and laughed loudly when they slipped off their boards. When it came time for them to take a break, they all collapsed onto the sand surrounding Y/N. 

"Why aren't you in the water, Y/N/N?" Kie asked, plopping her wet self next to Y/N on her towel.

"Just not really feeling up to it today is all." Y/N leaned over and nudged Kie's shoulder with hers with a grin. "I'm very much enjoying watching you four though." She chuckled, recalling a particularly funny fall when JJ had shrieked before he crashed.

When the sun started setting a few hours later, the five of them went to The Wreck for dinner, John B and JJ deciding on a night of drinking on the HMS Pogue. Pope had to study and Kie had to work, but JJ insisted they go themselves, John B agreed for the both of them. Four beers in, JJ pulled his shirt over his head and flipped off the side of the boat, John B diving in after him. This spurred a water fight between the two boys, Y/N laughing from inside the boat. Shaking her head, serious now, when JJ grinned at her wickedly. He swam towards the boat, humming the 'Jaws' theme as he did it. "Come on Y/N/N, time to jump in!" 

"No, JJ, I don't want to get in the water." She shook her head quickly but put a giant smile on her face and he advanced towards her, pulling himself up onto the side of the boat. Y/N squealed and jumped over the seat towards the front. "JJ no, I'm serious I don't wanna get in!" Her words said stop but her laughs said otherwise, so he climbed towards her, grinning wildly. 

When JJ finally cornered her, he wrapped her up in his arms, her arms trapped against her chest as they laughed loudly together, John B watching them in mock sickness. John B's laughing face turned serious and instantly felt sick when Y/N cried out in pain. John B watched as his sister's hands covered her mouth and JJ released her instantly, hands hovering over her shoulders, leaning down to look her in the eyes. "Are you alright? Y/N? What happened? Did I hurt you?" He fired off questions quickly, Y/N nodded her head, a tear sliding down her cheek. She raised her hand to wipe it away when JJ softly grasped her hand. "Y/N?"

Y/N sighed heavily, taking a second to look at John B, "Just a Kook fight." She looked at her brother, who looked like he was about to be sick. "We told you already, besides, it's nothing we haven't all dealt with before." Laughing thinly, she touched JJs face. "You worry too much." Patting his cheek, she tried to step away but JJ held her wrist still. 

He gave John B a confused look. "They hurt her? And you didn't tell me?" He looked to Y/N whose pleading eyes were on her brother. "Y/N how bad is it?" His stern eyes bore into her own, she could hear his breath quickening.

"It's- it's not bad at all, JJ, I'm just sore is all." She tried to reassure him but her stutter made him tilt his head to the side and his tongue swiping across his lips furiously. His eyes finding hers again, he took her other wrist in his other hand and slowly raised them both over her head, stopping as soon as she hissed in pain followed by a whimper. 

"Show me."

She shook her head but his eyes followed hers when she tried to look away. 

"Show me, Y/N." His voice was quiet but she could hear the emotion behind it. "Please."

Y/N nodded silently, pushing him slightly until he took a step back. Locking eyes with John B, she slowly grabbed the hem of her tee shirt, pulling it over her head with a pained huff, standing in her bikini top. The boys gasped, John B paddling towards the boat. 

JJ sucked in a breath when his gaze fell on the sickly yellow color of the fresh bruise covering her torso. JJ crossed his arms over his chest quickly, leaning forward towards the girl.

Seeing the bruise that covered his sister, and knowing that he had put it there, made John B sick. Literally. He threw his head back over the side of the HMS Pogue and heaved. 

"JB!" Y/N cried, rushing towards her brother's side. 

"Why wouldn't you tell me Rafe and Topper did this?" JJ reached his best friend, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Man I would have buried their asses before now." He jumped up and sucked in a big breath, "time to kick some kook ass." Patting his chest with a grunt, that Y/N knew was his way of deflecting emotions, "Yup. Sure is." Walking towards the boat wheel he turned the key and the engine sputtered to life. 

John B kept his eyes on Y/N when he shouted, "It wasn't the kooks." Y/N's eyes widened and JJ turned his head. 

"What did you say?" JJ questioned, cutting the engine and spinning in his seat to look at the siblings. 

Y/N shook her head quickly, putting her hands on John B's face. "Shut up John B. "

"I said it wasn't the kooks." He spoke louder, putting his hand gently over Y/N's mouth. "We didn't get jumped."

Y/N smacked his hand away gently, "John B, seriously, stop." John B looked at JJ and clapped his hand over her mouth, Y/N whined softly. She had the perfect lie set in motion, all her brother had to do was go with it. She knew what was going to happen when JJ found out, which was why she lied to begin with.

"Then what happened?" JJ stood slowly, eyes trained on his best friends. Watching Y/N's eyes beg for her brother to look at her, watched her pull at his wrist. JJ stepped closer to the two of them, eyes trained on John B's face.

"It was right after the coast guard left the house, they said they didn't think Dad was alive and they were changing to recovery tactics." John B started with a sigh, closing his eyes as he recounted the night before. "Y/N and I got into an argument about it and I-" a tear slipped down his cheek and JJ clenched his fists at his sides. "I blacked out. All I could hear in my head was everyone telling me that my dad was dead, I could picture Topper standing in front of me and I pushed and I kicked and-" his words broke off with a sob as he looked at his sister. "And I'm so sorry, Y/N, I'm so fucking sorry." He wrapped his arms quickly around her waist, making her jump. 

JJs breath was coming out in pants now. He looked at Y/N when she jumped, his vision going red and in seconds his fist was connecting with his best friend's face in rapid hits. Y/N screamed when JJ moved, and was on top of her brother in seconds. "J! Stop! It was just an accident!" She grabbed onto his wrist but then he shoved his arm out behind him and she yelped in pain as she landed back onto her butt. 

"FUCK!" JJ shouted, hating that he was the cause of Y/N's pain and he dropped to the floor of the boat beside John B. "Fuck dude." He muttered, running his hand through his hair. "Are you alright Y/N/N?" Seeing the pain on her tear stained face, he pulled his knees underneath himself and leaned towards her. 

"I'm fine, JJ, I told you. It's nothing we all haven't dealt with before." She pulled away from him on instinct and it broke his heart. He looked at John B who sat silently, looking at his hands like they had betrayed them. Y/N reached her hand over and grabbed her brother's. "It was an accident, JB. I know you didn't mean it." She tried to soothe him but he scoffed. 

John B lifted his head and looked at his sister. "I did mean it Y/N/N, I just didn't mean for it to be you.'' He turned his head and looked out at the water. "Dads out there, he's not dead. And hearing you say it," he stopped and took a deep breath, "it broke me. You've got to believe that he's still out there." He kept staring at the water.

JJ and Y/N shared a look and she shook her head. "He's not, JB." She whispered quietly, JJ put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a look. "John B, you have to accept it. Dad isn't coming home." She took a breath and held onto JJ's hand. "And even if he was alive, I don't want him back." Y/N whispered and both boys' heads snapped towards her. 

"You don't mean that." John B whispered harshly.

Y/N nodded, gaze dropping to the floor of the boat. "I do." Silent tears fell down her face as she continued to stare at a wet spot on the floor. "He abandoned me, JB. He just woke up one morning and decided to leave. Leave his home, his life, his baby girl." Her voice was broken, face flooded with tears. JJ's heart broke for the girl. 

John B scoffed, "He always leaves, Y/N, and he always comes back." He grabbed her hand tightly.

Y/N gasped softly, trying to pull her hand from his grip. JJ reached out and grabbed John B's wrist. "Let go of her, JB." He warned, reaching his other hand out to Y/N who interlaced their fingers again. John B didn't let go, only tightened his grip making his sister hiss in pain. JJ gripped John B tighter and tried to pull his hand away, only making Y/N whimper again. "John B, seriously." JJ said through gritted teeth. "Let her go."

Y/N looked into her brother's eyes, her wet and watery, his hard and distant. "I love you, JB, I do, but you have to know how bad of a father he was to me, to us." She whispered, her chin wobbling as she tried to hold back the tears. John B finally loosened his grip, not letting go entirely and shook his head. 

"I love you too Y/N, but I guess we had different dads, because my dad loved his kids, wanted nothing but the best for them and tried his hardest to provide for them." Suddenly his grip tightened and he stood up abruptly, pulling Y/N to her feet. "While apparently your dad fucked off and abandoned his kids with no regards to their safety." He pulled her close and she yelped. "That doesn't seem like the same person, does it?" JJ jumped up and pushed his best friend's chest, making him drop Y/N's arm.

"I've seen a lot of fucked up shit, John B, hell I've lived it. But never once in all of my years of knowing you have you ever put your hands on your sister." JJ pulled Y/N behind him and she pushed past him and went to the front of the boat, rubbing her wrist lightly. 

John B stood chest to chest with his best friend, neither of them breaking eye contact. "She's never told me how much she wished our dad was dead either."

JJ scoffed and shook his head, "JB, that isn't what she said." He took a step back, still standing between the siblings. "You had to have seen how differently Big John treated the two of you. You were the one who got told where he was going, what he was doing, you're the one he gave the food and rent money to." JJ spoke softly, reaching a hand out to John B's shoulder but he pulled away, "Y/N was always told she was in the way, she was a bother and a distraction." 

JJ gave Y/N a sad smile over his shoulder but she was staring at the new bruise forming on her wrist. "How would you feel if your dad just shut you out after your mom left? At least my dad pays attention to me, though it's not good attention, at least he acknowledged my presence." John B sighed, looking at his feet. He knew JJ was right, he thought back to when his father would bring himself and John B dinner, leaving Y/N to fend for herself.

Y/N sniffled and stood up. "You are right John B, we do have different dads. My dad died a long time ago, but I'm so sorry that you lost yours." She took steps around JJ, he reached for her but she brushed him off. "Please don't take it out on me, we are all we have left. Look at us!" Y/N waved her hand carefully between them both, and John B sighed, looking away. Y/N grabbed her brother's face and turned it towards her again, "This isn't you, JB. This isn't who we are." 

"We're pogues man, everyone wants to beat our asses, we can't afford to be trying to beat each other." JJ sighed with a chuckle, reaching one hand to Y/N's and his other hand to John B's arm. "Come on brother, we can't turn on each other like this." 

John B looked at his sister and his best friend, grabbing for his sister's other hand and making them both jump. His heart broke and his lip quivered, but he raised his hand gently before holding it out to her. He smiled slightly when Y/N gently laid her hand in his. "I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why any of this happened and I promise, no matter how long it takes, I will make it up to you." He gave her hand a soft squeeze and threw his arm around JJ's shoulder. "Both of you." Y/N dropped her brother's hand, wrapped her arms around his waist and he kissed the top of her head. 

[mrsalwayswritex]

Alright my loves, here i amn once again apologizing because I'm trash and I can't write for like MONTHS at a time and suddenly I remember I have a second Tumblr. My recs are so far behind I don't even know where I left off at so bare with me while I get around to spamming my recs.

A few things have changed since I last posted, and its just too much to get into but let's sum it up by saying, I'm sorry and my fandoms are all over the place. I've got a Sons of Anarchy fic that needs posted but I also just finished an OBX fic that needs posted. I can't promise I'll always be on here but I CAN promise you can always get me on my main account, linked in the bio.

I'm sorry I'm crappy at keeping up with two accounts but I still love you guys!

[mrsalwayswritex]

hellish.

dedicated to: @samxslaughter​ love you! literally was just talking about this idea with you haha

written by: me,  @borninslumber​

what i listened to: hospital for souls by bring me the horizon

pairing: prince of hell!ben hardy x reader

warnings: blasphemous, mentions of hell

genre: horror? suspense, tiny fluff

word count: 2k

a/n: possible new series, let me know if ya’ll want a part two! i really like this idea, i hope it’s good :) and yes, requests are open!

you step foot into the elevator - feet pivoting as you face the shining metal doors. a breath escapes your lips. once both soles of your worn sneakers have planted parallel to one another inside the confines of the tiny elevator room - your chest tightens. a small rise of panic begins to set your veins aflame, and you know immediately - just as the doors are beginning to close, and a soft ding from the small speaker above the buttons of the shaft, you need to get out. you need to get out right now. your hand reaches out to stop the doors from closing, fingertips grazing the chrome doors,

it’s too late.

outstretched fingertips now grazing the metal of the elevator doors - a rise of panic in you settling in, and fear starting to take it’s place. your lips are parted, mouth dry and you swallow thickly to hopefully pass the nerves inside you.

the usual numbness that settled in your bones and weighed at your shoulders is gone. the reason to stay in bed in the mornings, the sleepless nights and reasons you cried -  that heaviness - the lowest of low, it’s all erased and now replaced with fear.

you take it all back. you take it all back and you don’t even know what’s going to happen but your mind goes back to that night immediately as if something was reminding you of your previous desperate actions.

moonlight shining in from the living room window, candles lit, sand spread into a pentagram - your last legs of hope, your final cry for help in your anguished attempt to feel anything. to feel anyone. to maybe feel him again.

as you stand in that elevator, your mind reminding you of that forsaken night. when the candles one by one blew out as if a breath had choked their flame. you watched as a seemingly human presence filled the room. but you were alone, as you always had been. and you remained alone for days after.

the elevator neglects to move, your face feels hot but with everything in you, you try to remain calm.

the lights flicker once, twice-

then everything falls.

you’re being shot down in the confines of the tiny metal room, dropping through hundreds of floors - your arms coming to grasp the railing just behind you as you fall to the ground, your face pressed against the metal wall you were previously just standing in front of.

the speed of the dropping seems to accelerate, your face contorting as you seem to be dropping through thousands of floors - you can’t scream, you can’t cry for help, your mind isn’t working fast enough.

the numbers on the small screen next to the elevator speaker are glitching, rapidly moving with the pace of your drop as if it was some kind of roller coaster.

you wrap your arm around the railing, bringing your knees to your chest as the dropping seems never ending - and then out of nowhere you slow to an abrupt stop, body jerking in time with it.

the lights have gone out - the creaking of the elevator has stopped, your stomach has stopped turning. you relax for a moment as you blink your eyes in an attempt to see anything but it is pitch black. the only sound is the heavy gasps of breath you’re desperately trying to catch.

you haven’t an idea of where you were or what to do - but you unwrap your arm from the railing as the nerves begin to vibrate your being and the fear of the outside of the elevator begin to eat you alive.

you stand on wobbly legs, taking a breath to clear your head as you walk forward to the doors, parting your lips to wet them as your knees begin to feel as if they’d buckle.

as you stand before the doors, breathing irratic and heart beat a drum within your head, the doors part - a soft ding erupting from the speaker to daunt you as the world before you is exposed.

the floor, it’s cracking with fire exposed between and embers float in the air. lava is pouring from the confines of the ground, rock formations cracking and falling. it seems dystopian - like the world has ended and this is what would be left in it’s wake. it’s hellish, frightening.

a small clearing of the black rock leads a path to an unknown destination - and you follow suit.

your mind, as you take that first step onto the charcoal rock, takes you back to that night. was this the result of your actions? would your hopeless thoughts and grey days be defined by your one last attempt to be heard?

the air is thick and humid and hot - you discard your jacket to keep walking - the distant sound of falling rocks and molten lava spilling from the earth seems to be oddly comforting to your anxieties. the heat is weighing down on you, body begin to shimmer with a layer of sweat.

you hadn’t an idea of where you were, or what to do, or why you decided to follow the footpath but you decide to anyway. what else where you to do, you wonder. sitting and praying for things to go okay hadn’t worked before, why would they now when you seem to be in the confines of hell itself.

you’re wary of your steps, eyes still feasting on the ground and world around you - until you hear a voice.

“ah, hello my dear.”

your eyes dart up to meet a mans. he wasn’t there before the last time you’d looked up.

he was blonde, clad in some type of obsidian black royal looking suit. he had many layers to his suit, and a chain peeking out from the breast pocket. it hugged him nicely - he looked mature, clean.

he sits atop a black throne - seemingly made from rock of the surrounding area. two tall guards covered in armor - spears to their left are standing on either side of the throne. it all seems very royal - like some kind of shakespearean horror story.

but his eyes; his eyes when you met them - were pitch black. glossy as the orange lighting of the fire and lava bounced off his face on his throne.

he sat with his legs folded over the side, face sitting in the palm of his hands. he looked properly bored - however a smile blossomed onto his features when he said ‘dear.’

you swallow, not daring to question once more of the thoughts going into your head. you’d previously dropped what seemed a thousand floors in your apartment elevator anything could be possible at this point.

“y/n… y/n…” he spoke your name as if he was testing it in his mouth - his hand coming to his chin as he thought as his vision casted upwards to the tall cave-like cielings. his voice was deep, rich with an accent, and part of you kept yourself from liking it too much. something about him rang irresistable, you wondered if that was just an effect he had.

“you contacted me, you know this.”

“who are you?” you speak softly, timid and afraid.

he lets his head fall back on his throne, humming sweetly to the sound of your voice. he moves about like a character, you notice.

“you contacted me. wanting to make a deal.” he starts again, ignoring your question, this time bringing his legs over from the side of the throne, to stand. his actions make you uneasy, you shift a bit in your standing position.

“i-i…” his steps near you. presence even more daunting, if you could run away you would.

“you’re so afraid. humans,, so apprehensive when they don’t have the upperhand in the situation. funny.” he takes a few more steps, hands behind his back as he now stands before you.

his eyes, they’re like an abyss. you’re aware of how frightened you look, not to mention feel. sweat drips down the side of your face, skin glistening in the orange lighting. your fists clench and unclench in some kind of way to ground yourself.

he walks past you, inches away from your left shoulder as he begins to circle you.

“you called me, hurry up and tell me what the deal is about. i don’t have all day.” he’s now at your right shoulder, facing you. you’re afraid to look, instead you clench your jaw. your eyes are darting on the floor, uncertain of what to say or do. his presence, this place, it was too much. what was even going on? could this be real?

“if you don’t tell me i’ll take everything i want to from you and it won’t be pretty. what do you want.” he orders, stern voice making you flinch slightly.

it now occurs to you that he hadn’t a care in the world of your well-being or feelings. there was no way he was human, there was no way this place was earth, and there was no way you’d be making it out alive if you didn’t speak soon.

instead, you drop your head. your eyes closed tightly, and your fists clenched to your sides. “i-i…”

he sighs, rolling his eyes.

“you don’t want to be alone.” he breaks the silence, your eyes opening to peer at the ground beneath your feet - the bass of the sound of crashing lava seems to be music to your ears - the tension filling the room to the brim.

“you’re just teeming to be seen, to be heard. to have someone there.” his voice echoes off the walls of the neverending room. he takes his usual slow short steps to walk in front of you and turn his back to you.

“you’re so alone, without anyone.”

the tears begin to drown your vision an you can’t take it anymore. perhaps this was the hallucination of your delusions. maybe you’d finally gone insane from the insufferable silence. maybe the silence became so loud.

“you’re not hallucinating, my dear.” he quiets your thought.

tears streak down your face, face contorting as you let out a sob.

“tell me what it is you want.” his voice is softer now, his head turned over his shoulder. it only took that one sentence of his words for you to come undone.

“i-i just want s-someone to love me,,, t-that’s all.” you bring a wrist to your cheeks to wipe the tears away, your shoulders wracked with sobs as you let the entire cave, or whatever you were in, fill with the quiet sounds of your voice.

you were hurting. you’d been hurting for so long being so alone. like nothing would be able to fill that hole within you that had gouged inside your heart when he left. he was gone. and you’d lit candles and made stars in sand in hopes of doing anything to fill that void - to maybe hear a voice tell you that they loved you. and to wake up beside someone who held the promise to never leave.

“you’ve been hurting long enough, my dear.” he turns over his shoulder now, his steps nearing you again as your tears blurred the image of his standing before you.

his hand comes to your chin, bringing your eyes to his own, his palm moving to cup your jaw. he nears you now, closing the distance between you.

you opened your eyes, waking up at home. an arm slung over your waist.

[mrsalwayswritex]

[mrsalwayswritex]

I'm terribly sorry I haven't been posting much, these last few weeks have been mega rough for me and I haven't been able to write a single coherent thought, but now I think I have the problem under control and will be getting back on track and writing very soon! Please be patient with me, I love you all 💙

[mrsalwayswritex]

I HAD to finally write something so this happened! My first buddie fic! (Finished one at least lmao) just some short small fun :)

For @pan-buck !

---

I'm Dad

"My dad's here, I gotta go!" Christopher called out, and rather loudly at that, causing Buck to look over with amusement. The freshly-turned middle schooler was on his way to the car, that Buck now exited, ready to correct Chris. He didn't mind though, not with the excitement that the boy showed whenever Buck was the own to come get it. (They probably had the quick ice cream stops to thank forg that but Buck knew that Chris loved him for him, too.)

"Hey, buddie," Buck greeted, taking the bag from Chris. "Sorry to disappoint but it's only me today."

"Hey, Buck!" Christopher grinned. "I knew it was you."

Without further clarification, the boy turned to wave at what Buck assumed were his new friends - what was it… Amy, Jaime, Ben and Stacey?

"See, this is Buck!" Chris yelled to them. "My other dad!"

Buck blinked down at the little guy. Little? Who was he kidding. Chris had grown so much already since Buck had first met him.

Chris nudged Buck in the side. "Say hi," he pressed out between his teeth, and Buck jerked up to throw a wave over to the other kids.

Christopher beamed, and left Buck standing frozen at the side of the car, while he clambered in. Buck wheezed, trying to hold himself together from the melting heat within his chest

----------

He'd been sniffling the whole way over, but as they parked in the Diaz' driveway, Buck's vision was blurred beyond recognition. The tears were now just streaming down his face. He was clutching at the steering wheel like a lifeline, engine still idling beneath him.

Christopher would be worried if he didn't know how Buck handled emotions sometimes - wholeheartedly and unashamed. He had asked, midway, if it was okay that he'd introduced Buck as his dad, to which the blonde could only stutter out a 'yes, of course' before telling him 'you know I love you like my own son… if I had one. Probably more!' and that had been that.

Now, they were here.

"Dad! Dad, come quick! I think I finally broke Buck," Chris yelled, after throwing open the car door.

Eddie came hurtling out of the house not 5 seconds later and hurried over. He could hear Christopher's relaxed tone, so he wasn't extremely worried but to say his heart didn't ache at all when he saw his boyfriend crying, would be an outright lie.

It had taken them a while to get their shit together, but the shift from best friends to boyfriends had been smoother than Eddie had ever expected, even with his inexperience with anything in the realm of dating guys. Turned out, they'd already been a family and that was the most important part.

"Hey, babe. What did the little devil do now," Eddie asked softly, shooting a playfully stern look at Christopher, who shrugged innocently. Eddie placed one hand on Buck's knee, thumb brushing over the denim in a soothing matter. Easing him back and leaning over, he shut off the engine and pulled the key out, before turning to Buck once more.

He reached up to brush one of Buck's cheeks free of tears, even though another tear quickly followed. Instead, he gripped Buck's neck, making him look him in the eyes.

"Hey," Eddie repeated softly.

Buck gazed back at him in such awe and wonder that Eddie's own chest gree three-fold, a small smile already tugging at his lips.

"I'm dad," Buck croaked brokenly, his whole soul open for the taking, and it was all Eddie could do to not start laughing (and crying along with him). He couldn't stop the smile, his love for his two boys overtaking his face before he could help it. Glancing over at Chris had the boy shrugging innocently with his own smile and Eddie nodded, blinking the mistiness from his gaze.

"At school they didn't believe that I had two dads, so I had to prove it to them," Christopher offered as some sort of explanation, having made it to his feet in the mean time.

Eddie pressed a kiss to Buck's temple. "I think you were dad since the moment I told you about him," he murmured into his hair, always a little afraid of this kind of vulnerability that Buck showed without second thought - heart rabbiting, shoulders tensing. But Buck made it worth it.

"C'mon, dad," Eddie said as he pulled back, wraping an arm around his shoulders to tug him along with him. "Let's get you inside."

Buck followed easily, surrendering to Eddie's lead.

[mrsalwayswritex]

Can I request a first kiss with Gwil on New Years? Like you’ve been on a date or two around Christmas but he’s only kissed your hand and your cheek, and it isn’t until New Years when he actually kisses you 🥺😩

This!! Yesss! I actually really like what I wrote, you tell me what you think lol ❤

Gwilym really didn't know the affect he had on you. Especially when he was across the room fixing his shirt in the mirror of your vanity. He had been standing there for about five minutes, fumbling with a stubborn button and mumbling curses to himself. Finally, he caved.

"YN? Could you help me love? This damn button hates me." He looked at you slightly defeated and you giggled.

You walked over to him and lightly gripped his collar. The New Years party you two were getting ready for was being hosted by Rami and Lucy. They insisted that everyone dress as if they were in the roaring twenties. You and Gwilym correlated outfits just as a newer couple would.

He was looking down at you as you buttoned his shirt. When you finally looked up his lips were right there for the taking. Pink, plump, slightly parted, his breathing was heavy. If only he would just lean down. Just a peck, thats all you wanted.

But instead Gwilym cleared his throat. "We've got to get going." You hated that he was right. Hand in hand you made it to Gwilym's car.

On the drive there Gwilym kept your hand in his. He pulled it upwards to his lips and held it there kissing it repeatedly. You appreciated the gesture, it was very nice, but you would kill to feel his lips anywhere near yours at this point.

The whole night the kiss thats been lingering between you two did just that. It dangled in the air infront of you just out of reach and it made you wonder:

'Do I have bad breath?

Is there something in my teeth?

Do I have a cold sore that I can't see?'

None of those were the answer. Gwilym just had a flare for the dramatically romantic sometimes. He thought starting the new year off with your first kiss would be perfect. It was.

There were thirty seconds left. You scrambled to find Gwilym to be the first thing he saw for the new year. He met you right in the middle of the crowd. Fifteen seconds now and Gwilym was holding you close.

"I love you!" He shouted over the music.

"You what? Olive juice?" You asked, more than confused.

"Kiss me!" Gwilym yelled, five seconds.

"What?" You were still confused, but Gwilym smashed his lips onto yours.

God, it was amazing. The initial touch was rough, but Gwilym soon softened the kiss. He tasted of champagne. You got a hint of the beard oil he uses, but nothing could stop you from kissing him but you.

Someone (probably Joe) cued the music perfectly, so the chorus of We Are the Champions rang through to the new year and fueled the now makeout session you and Gwilym were having.

You had dropped your flut of champagne seemingly minutes ago. Your fingers were interlocked on Gwilym's neck. You really did feel like a champion.

[mrsalwayswritex]

Nicotine Buzz - Ben Hardy x Reader (*Smut, 18+ ONLY)

It’s finally here, the long-awaited Ben dating app AU that has been on my masterlist as a WIP for literally over a year!!! I hope this is worth the wait! 

AT A GLANCE:

Ben Hardy x Female Reader Dating App AU 

16k+ words (I do not know how to write a short fic ok I’m sorry)

Contains: Smut, protected sex, cursing, drinking, innuendos, flirty banter, smoking references

HUGE SHOUT-OUT to @just-my-sickly-pride​ for beta-reading this fic, I love you and appreciate you so much!!! 

DISCLAIMER: Ben can do whatever the hell he wants and that includes smoking. He’s an adult and he can make his own choices. This is not intended to shame or belittle anyone who smokes. It’s simply a work of fiction that is a combination of a few requests I got months ago. 

***THIS FIC CONTAINS SMUT AND IT IS FOR ADULTS ONLY. THAT MEANS 18+. I will block minors who interact with this post!!!***

Now, so long as you are over 18, enjoy!!

Ping!

Your phone chimed and buzzed on the counter, startling you. Normally you wouldn’t have your ringer on, but you were expecting an Uber Eats delivery any moment now and your stomach was rumbling at about a 6.0 on the Richter scale, so there was really no way you were going to risk getting to your food even five seconds late.

“Was that Hinge?” your roommate Jess asked almost instantly, poking her head out from her bedroom. “Did you get a match? A like? It was Hinge, right?”

“I think so,” you replied, then looked down at the screen to see that indeed, someone wanted to match with you. The Hinge banner flashed across your screen, joyously encouraging you to open the app. 

Ben liked you! He commented on your photo.

Keep reading

[mrsalwayswritex]

To-Do List

Summary: Ben hardy x female reader. A week of nothing turns into a little more. 

Word Count: 3.9k

Warnings: fluff, cussing, smut (dom/sub dynamics, unprotected sex [use protection], spanking, oral sex [m receiving, facefucking], dirty talk: degradation and humiliation [I think], etc.) (18+!! marked with ***) 

A/N: This is my way of saying thank you to Dani, @dtfrogertaylor​, for all the events she’s organized, most recently being the Thank God It’s Christmas event 🎄I know a lot of work goes into them and we all appreciate that so much, it really brings us closer as a whole! I hope you meant it when you said you like degradation/humiliation cause oof this is a lot lol. Thank you to Brigid @illfoandillfie​ for looking it over for me and encouraging me! I really hope you all like it, Dani! Any feedback including likes, replies, reblogs and asks are greatly appreciated! Especially replies, messages, and asks are super helpful for my writing ‘cause I get to hear what you think! Remember to check out all the awesome stuff everyone’s creating for tgic!!

Masterlist 

(ok he do be looking kinda dom doe)

Keep reading

[mrsalwayswritex]

Ellie, have you ever considered this? Prof!Gwil accidentally getting you pregnant but you still have to go through a couple of years of college/Uni with him as your prof? Like..he'd be so stressed out though..

so apparently this is A Thing for me

you insist that he waits outside the bathroom, thinking that whatever comes of the test, you’re going to need a moment before you can look at him.

but he hears you crying before you open the door, and he breathes out, anxiety roiling in his stomach as he runs a hand over his face. ”fuck.”  he should have known, really. all the signs were there, but you two had always been so careful. you’d done everything to avoid exactly this, yet here you were.

when you open the door, eyes puffy and cheeks wet with tears, it’s all he can do to not burst into tears. partly because he’s scared, but mostly because he hates to see you in so much pain. silently, he opens his arms and you collapse against him, shoulders wracking with sobs as you grasped at his shirt.

“it’s okay,” he breathes, soothing a hand over your back. “you’re going to be okay.”

for the first week or so, nothing feels like it’s going to be okay. in fact, your whole world feels like it’s being dismantled, pulled apart piece by piece until it’s nothing but a mess in your own hands. you hardly talk to gwil at all—though you’re still relying on him almost entirely.

it’s not the worst thing to happen, you suppose. it wasn’t ideal in any way, but you and gwil were stable and you weren’t in a bad place financially and christ, at least you trust and love gwilym, at least it’s not some random kid from some frat party. but there are more cons than pros, it feels like. just the prospect of having a baby while you were still in school exhausted you, and there was no good way to explain this to your friends without lying, and were you ready to be a mom? really, genuinely ready?

gwilym leaves it up to you. it’s your decision entirely, of course, but he can’t deny that little seed of hope planted right in his chest. he’d thought about it, sure. starting a family with you. but in those fantasies, you were graduated, and he had whisked the two of you somewhere far away, where you didn’t know anyone. not in any of his fantasies had he still been your professor, or had you still had years to go left until your degree was completed. he knows it’s not the right time, so he leaves the decision up to you.

over dinner, one night, the two of you eat quietly, a pensive look on his face as you watch from across the table. with your chin in hand, you nudge his shin with a sock-covered foot, catching his attention, and you smile nervously. “m’gonna keep it.”

the relief that floods his face is enough to make your heart race, and it’s almost enough to convince you that things are going to work out. “really?” he asks, his voice cracking slightly, and you nod. he pushes his chair back, sweeping you up in his arms, and for the first time since you find out, you think things are actually going to be okay, because how could anything be unbearable when you had someone filled with so much love at your side?

and from then on, it’s planning. it’s all planning and trying to get through your days and preparing. he’s softened quite a bit since the two of you got together but now he’s almost unrecognizable. every night he crawls into bed and rests his head in your lap, his nose nuzzling your tummy as he talks, or sings, or rants, all to the baby—your baby—as though it’s the most natural thing in the world, and you think for him, it must be.

for a while, things aren’t even that different from your normal. sure, there are doctor's appointments and prenatal vitamins and weekly updates of the little bub from gwil and morning sickness, but things aren’t so out of the ordinary. you’re still doing homework, still coming home to gwil, and still living your life. things are a little more isolated, though. you only see gwil, really, your doctor, and your friends, though only about once a month. it’s one of the only things about your situation that you resent: normal pregnant women didn’t have to shut everyone out. they went to birthing classes and had communities, and you had gwil. perfect and wonderful gwil, but he wasn’t quite a community.

the days get cold just around the time your bump begins to show, and usually, you manage to hide it under a sweater or a warm hoodie, but maybe your bump is a little bigger than you think it is or maybe your sweater is a little less baggy than you remembered, but as you eat lunch with your friends, you catch them glancing over at you furtively.

“what?” you huff, sipping your water. you’re extra irritable these days, and gwil assures you that it’s just because of your hormones, not really something you can control, which only annoys you more.

your friends share a look before one of them sighs, leaning on their elbows to get a little closer to you. “what’s been going on with you? i feel like we haven’t seen you in a while.”

you chew on your straw, shrugging smally. “been pretty busy. sorry, i haven’t kept up.”

“that’s okay,” maddie smiles, shifting in her seat. “anything new?”

you bite your lip, pushing your food around before you look up at them. you and gwil hadn’t really told anyone yet, aside from his parents, and you had planned on telling your family, at some point, but other than that, you haven’t really talked about telling anyone else. your friends stare back at you expectantly and you know you won’t be able to hide it from them much longer, so you slink back in your chair, put a hand on your stomach (a newly formed habit), and say, “not really. oh, except i’m pregnant.”

maddie can’t help but snort and oakley cackled loudly, smacking their hand on the table. you allow a smile to pull at your lips. neither of them seems surprised, but you don’t really mind. you’re just happy to answer questions that come from anyone but gwil’s mother, even if you have to lie and say you don’t know who the father is.

when you get home, you seem a little lighter than usual, and he just smiles. he knows you need more than him, and he’s happy to see you brighten up, even if the circumstance isn’t perfect.

and as the pregnancy goes on, and your bump grows day by day and you can no longer hide it under baggy clothes, he’s more and more in love with you every single day. when you’re around the apartment, he’s always behind you, hands holding your belly while he whispers jokes in your ear and they’re moments you’ll remember forever. but his favorite is when he sees you around campus between classes; always from a distance, really, and you never usually see him, but he finds a route that passes the little cafe on campus that you often buy breakfast from, and seeing you out and about, idly rubbing your bump as you read your textbook and eat your breakfast, it nearly makes him sick with affection.

it gets a little easier to breathe once classes end, once summer comes in. you’re only a month out from your due date when you’re taking finals and he does everything he can to keep you from stressing, all the way down to tying your shoes before you leave in the morning and taking them off for you the moment you come home. you decide to take your next semester or two off, of course, when bubba is born, and gwilym wholeheartedly agrees. he’d hate to see you stretch yourself too thin—something you have a great propensity to do—so it’s a decision you make rather easily.

thankfully, when bub finally comes, he isn’t teaching for the summer, so he’s around to help for a couple of months. she’s perfect, so sweet and beautiful and mild-mannered, and you can’t possibly know what she’s like, but she already reminds you of her dad. she’s got gwil wrapped around her finger from the very second he sees her, and you’re both so in love.

he’s always been so caring toward you that he can’t be anything other than the best dad in the world, and you’re proven beyond right. he’s always the one to wake up when she cries, to kiss your temple softly and tell you to go back to sleep so he can take care of her. at a certain point, you tease that he doesn’t even know her real name, because he’s all “good morning, beautiful” and “good job, sweetness” and “big stretch, lovie!” you can’t even be upset because you love to hear how much he loves her—so much, he assures her, several times a day, it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t understand—so you revel in those pet names.

overall, she’s everything to you both, and even though she wasn’t part of the plan, you thank god for her every single day, because you wouldn’t trade her, or gwil, or your life together for anything in the world.

[mrsalwayswritex]

The club

This is a new murderer! Ben Hardy imagine that was requested by the lovely @bluutac I hope you like it.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse

Murderer! Ben masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Why do you do it?” (Y/n) questioned gently as she took Ben’s hand in her own so she could inspect the damage.

She felt his other hand ever so gently brushing a strand of hair behind her ear before he ran his fingertips over her cheek and beside her eye. His head was tipped at an angle as he seemed to be admiring her as if she were the only person in the world worth looking at.

Ben was good at that. He was amazing at making (Y/n) feel like she was the most important person in the world and that she had his full attention no matter what she was doing or what she had said. It was one of the reasons she had first fallen in love with him. Even when she knew all of the bad things that he had done, he still seemed like a completely different person when he was with her. He seemed like the most compassionate, kind, caring person in the world.

Keep reading