msasyia-muffin-blog

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“Thinking about vlogging”

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Random thoughts

Up thinking about writing again, writing down what I feel and how I feel. I don’t even know where to start really, I can start with first thinking about my life and what it really consist of. My goal is to be successful, meaning being debt free, living in my own space... Being at peace. All that is really important to me. Then I think often a lot about love and how I evolved from it. Looking back from where I was, to who I am now is crazy. It’s really amazing how much I’ve grown and also crazy and sad at how naive I was. I was sheltered growing up which caused me to do things and meet people I never would’ve thought to in counter. Do I regret it? Some of it. But, I also look at it as growth and a lesson. I’m pretty much rambling through text because I don’t have no real point... I don’t know, I see myself loving again, but also afraid of rejection and also scared to find myself in the spot I was years ago. I just want someone to connect with, you know, someone to be there for me when I’m low and I also want to be there for that someone as well. I just want love and affection, I crave attention... Physically and mentally. I hope and aspire to have that one day, but until then...

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How many times do we have to go through this?…

Ok, so I had a serious talk with my crush and it turns out he’s not ready for a relationship, that that’s not his main thought. Ok, so what was I to him then? Like you tell me, I’m yours and spend time telling me things you tell someone who you’re pretty much about to be in a relationship with… But you not ready for one???? You give them an extravegent gift, then drop the bomb that you’re not ready to be in a relationship?? I’m so confused here… I’m not ready to fully be in a relationship either, don’t get me wrong, but when you’re doing all these things leading up to one, wouldn’t you say you’re building up to being in a relationship? Guys are super confusing man 🤦🏾‍♀️…

I honestly don’t get him, he’s seriously a mystery… we’ve been talking literally for 3 months and only seen each other outside of our church once 😒… I like attention and well needed time to get to know each other more and if that doesn’t takes place then I’m stuck thinking there’s no effort put in… Thennnn he has the nerve to say we can be friends, FRIENDS!! Like dude, you say you not trying to run games on me or don’t ever want to play me but yet you just did, pretty much…

And so I’m not sure what will go down the next time I see him, but I know for sure that the gift will be given back to him… I’ve fell back from talking to him and he pretty much seem like he could care less, he went on with his life… I’m not sure what I was to him, and I honestly don’t appreciate my time being wasted if this was the outcome of his version of “taking things slow..” SWEAR I’m done with guys period. 🙅🏾‍♀️

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How many times do we have to go through this?...

Ok, so I had a serious talk with my crush and it turns out he’s not ready for a relationship, that that’s not his main thought. Ok, so what was I to him then? Like you tell me, I’m yours and spend time telling me things you tell someone who you’re pretty much about to be in a relationship with... But you not ready for one???? You give them an extravegent gift, then drop the bomb that you’re not ready to be in a relationship?? I’m so confused here... I’m not ready to fully be in a relationship either, don’t get me wrong, but when you’re doing all these things leading up to one, wouldn’t you say you’re building up to being in a relationship? Guys are super confusing man 🤦🏾‍♀️...

I honestly don’t get him, he’s seriously a mystery... we’ve been talking literally for 3 months and only seen each other outside of our church once 😒... I like attention and well needed time to get to know each other more and if that doesn’t takes place then I’m stuck thinking there’s no effort put in... Thennnn he has the nerve to say we can be friends, FRIENDS!! Like dude, you say you not trying to run games on me or don’t ever want to play me but yet you just did, pretty much...

And so I’m not sure what will go down the next time I see him, but I know for sure that the gift will be given back to him... I’ve fell back from talking to him and he pretty much seem like he could care less, he went on with his life... I’m not sure what I was to him, and I honestly don’t appreciate my time being wasted if this was the outcome of his version of “taking things slow..” SWEAR I’m done with guys period. 🙅🏾‍♀️

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Spending time and time going back and forth thinking about my person. But then I’m thinking what if he’s not into me like I’m in to him... So I think maybe I should back away and give him space, but then he comes back with texting me. Sooo then...

I had this dream today, it was super weird:

So I was in this house with my family and then he texts me I’m ringing the doorbell once or something like that and so I go to my mom and say, “Hey, can be come over?” She gives me this weird look and say don’t you know he’s 50 (but he’s not in fact 50, he’s actually 25). I tell her “No mom he’s literally two years older than me... Think of him as my, God forbid, ex.” So she goes to tell me that apparently I don’t know everything about him... Which makes me think he’s hiding something from me....

I hate my dreams sometimes because I never know if they’re a sign or my subconscious out to get me..

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Looking Back... The King

Last time I heard from The King, he was still on that bullshit of trying to make things work and “struggle” together.... Whatever tf that means 🙄🙄🙄

Honestly, I believe you shouldn’t have to struggle in a relationship if you can help it... Otherwise, why are you even together???! I was always confused as to why he needed someone by his side while he get himself together? I believe in self-care and self-help on your own. Why put someone in a struggle when they don’t even need to be?... I guess he never got that part, but anyway like I said he had his own shit to deal with while I was still figuring out my shit and myself for that matter....

It never would’ve worked out anyway, I found out (by light stalking, of course 😊) that he ended up getting locked up but being released. Looking back at him, I’m not sure why I was attracted to him in the first place 🤔... Maybe it was his personality, because his looks was decent, or maybe I got distracted by his gorgeous eyes 🤔🤔... Or his 😳... Who knows 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️...

I’m just seriously glad I was delivered from that whole situation and without any attachments 👌🏾

#storyofmylife #healed #delivered #stillthinkingback #dontjudgeme

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I want romance. Love letters. Someone watching me when I’m doing nothing and smiling just because I’m there. Someone to hold me close and tell me everything’s gonna be fine. Hold my hand and take me on an adventure. Sweep the tears from my cheeks. To dance with me and laugh and laugh and laugh. To let me lay on their chest and listen to their heartbeat and know I’m not alone.

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The crush who’s crushing back 🥰

Sooooo... Come to find out, he actually has a thing for me, matter fact he’s always had a thing for me...

Coming back to it, he really did have a thing for me, I just wasn’t paying attention 😳

Ok so here it is: My subconscious have been holding back on me, CLEARLY... He was always making moves but never really being blunt about it. The crazy thing is, I never realized until later when we got to really knowing each other smh... But anway, as I got to know him I noticed he’s literally the guy version of me 🤭🤭🤭🤭

I like him a lot, it’s so crazy because literally everything I’ve been through I thought I would never be on the right path to something brand new. I thought I would be incapable of love....

#storyofmylife #rediscoveryonlove #healing

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Told my crush I liked him and so far... Nothing 🤦🏾‍♀️... about ready to give up

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The Freak-Not sure what to do here..

A. On one hand I like talking to him and I’m starting to realized what attracted me to him in the first place

B. But, on the other hand I have a feeling he only likes me because I have huge boobs (which aren’t that huge like they use to be because I slimmed down a bit)... He’s sexually attracted to me and I don’t feel like he likes me for me...

C. There’s also the fact that I have this weird feeling that he isn’t who he says he is... He sends me this picture of a guy but it’s like weird because with all this technology he tends to send the same picture he once showed me and it’s like he gives somewhat excuses to send a “right at the moment” picture, it’s like he’s catfishing me and I just want to get to the bottom of it...

How do you find out if someone is catfishing you without letting them know you have a suspension that they’re catfishing you???

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Soooo... The Asshole is trying SUPER hard to try again, crazy part not sure how I feel about it 🙄

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Story of My Life: Nonexistent Love Life...

Lately I’ve been going through old stuff and realized I’ve always been involved with guys....

Sad to say, and the three main ones that always come back is: The Freak 😜, The Asshole 👿, and The King🤴🏾. I don’t know what it is about them but somehow they are like boomerangs that I just can’t quite put away. They keep coming back and that’s why I say my love life is nonexist.

I’ve recently decided to give it a rest after my last encounter which was with The King. KY was different though, he was the one that could’ve been a potential life, but he had some shit to workout and we both wasn’t in a position to take a relationship serious. Haven’t heard from him lately, but my best friend swear he’ll contact me; hopefully he’ll have his shit together...

The asshole was “suppose to be” L.O.M.L, but that ended because he decided to give up and he always had back ups but recently he decided that he was dumb and that because we were young, we didn’t grow enough to give it a full try... I know, it does sound dumb 🙄..

The Freak literally came back because we lost touch and I honestly don’t know what he really wants. He swears his intention is good but honestly something about him doesn’t sit right with me at times..

Anyways, we’ll see how this goes..

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Story of My Life: I’m Back!!!

So, I decided to give this tumblr thing a try again... Not sure if I have any readers out there but here goes...

It has been yearsssss since my last update but here are the new things in my life:

1. I’m a official college graduate!!

2. That “so called” L.O.M.L.... GONE!!

3. My love life: NONEXIST

4. I’m a teacher, scored a new job back home...

And that’s about it, I came back to pretty much drain my brain from all the thoughts I have up there 🤔

I’m such an over thinker, it just doesn’t make sense and I don’t know I feel like I have a lot on my mind but yet it sometimes doesn’t make sense, ya know..

Anyway, hopefully can keep up with this thang... But also follow me on Twitter, most likely will be going back and forth @msasyia_muffin ... If there’s an audience, hope y’all enjoy me type my babble out 😅

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Story Of My Life

Age:  18

Now that I've had an official boyfriend, I've been busy. Busy being happy, sad, angry, down... Ever since he came back, things haven't been the same.  We would get to arguing about anything and nothing at the same time.  I loved the times we were together, happy, silly, and laughing.  Hated the times we would argue and waste time not talking to each other making everything awkward.  Then all of a sudden, the BIG argument happened.  We cursed at each other, he threw things, I was in tears, and I just decided to leave.  I called my sister and she came and got me.  Crazy situations happen, but not like this.  This, this was serious it scared me, so I decided enough was enough.  We needed a break, we been through so much and it hurts to end things, it still do, but I needed a clean break.  I told him I needed to find myself, and I did.  It took me a long time to figure things out and to let go, but it feels good.  I'm finally at peace with myself, I'm happy, like really truly happy.  I just pray to God it last...

#storyofmylife

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Niggas Talk More Than Bitches These Days...

-Drake

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Story Of My Life: Crushing

Okay, so I may have been gone for too long to update you guys, but I'm no longer together with my so called [L.O.M.L.]... We broke up about a month ago, almost two.  Now that I've been single for that long, I've been getting to know myself outside of being a couple.  And I believe I'm at peace with myself because I know what I want, or at least I do... But, anyways, so I've recently reconnected, (not exactly because we see each other all the time) with a guy I grew up with and I don't know why I'm just now noticing it but he's really cute.  He told me that he's been liking me for awhile and I was wondering why he was always flirting with me.  Let's just say, I never took him seriously because he's your typical goofball.  So, normally I would blow him off because 1) I was already in a relationship and 2) again, I wasn't taking him seriously.  I never looked at him in that way, but now, it's like I have a huge crush on him and I'm finding myself very attracted to him.  Obviously, he feeling the same way, for different reasons though:  he wants to have sex.  Now, I don't know that for sure, but I'm getting that vibe, for real.  And the weird part of all of his is:  we know each other, but we don't know about each other...  I've spent all of this time trying to get to know him more, but it seems that he is very guarded.  I can't quite figure him out and it doesn't help that his communication is wayy off and that he responds sooo late.  The one thing I hate the most is slow texters.  So, yeah you can say he's a piece of work and a tough nut to crack, but I haven't given up yet.  I just hope he's not a huge waste of my time, but in the meantime, I'm in search of a cuddle buddy.  Maybe he could be it, if he ever comes to visit (that is if he can come visit in time before Jesus comes back)...

#storyofmylife

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Story Of My Life: Insecurities

Every girl has her insecurities.... Mine happens to be a list... Most are stupid but others can be a huge problem... I'm very insecure about how I look... I worry I'm not pretty enough or good enough... There are a lot of gorgeous girls but why me?... As a person I worry I'm not good enough to be with... What if I never find someone that can be with me?... I'm insecure about my body, I'm not the skinniest girl in the world, but I'm not fat either... I can say I'm very happy about my legs, just need a little toning... My stomach isn't all bad, but it's not good either, sit-ups and toning could work plus cutting out the junk food and extra snacking... My butt could use an extra boost... My boobs are just fine, don't want a deduction or add-ons... I would like a little bit more hair, a little bit longer than it is now... I feel like I'm not smart enough to be in college, I don't know how I made it this far, it's too much pressure but I can do it... I believe in myself enough to know that I got this, I can take it... I feel like people don't like me, they think I'm slow or a "blonde," just cause I don't get things that easily doesn't mean I'm slow... Yeah I admit I have my moments, but it doesn't mean I'm slow all the time... I hate being treated like I'm like special or something, not saying being special is wrong... Sometimes I question myself... Why do people even bother? My relationship is a wreck and neither of us don't know how to fix it, or don't want to fix it (well at least I'm getting that vibe from him)... Wait, STOP!... -to be continued- #storyofmylife