msdavinadouglas

[msdavinadouglas]

Crystal Terminology

Below is a list of helpful terms to know when working with gems and minerals. It includes terminology on various crystal shapes and forms. Terms specific to mineral shapes have “(form)” next to them for ease of reference.

Abundance (form): An abundance crystal consists of one long quartz crystal with many small crystals clustered around its base. Its function is to attract wealth and abundance.  

Adamantine Luster: A particularly brilliant shine as shown by a specimen such as a diamond.

Amorphous (form): Amorphous crystals, such as obsidian, have no particular shape. Energy flows rapidly through and amorphous crystal as it has no rigid internal organization.

Aura: The subtle bio-magnetic sheath that surrounds the physical body, providing a protective zone that extends for about 18 inches to 3 feet from the body and contains information about a person’s physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual state of being. 

Aura Crystal: A crystal specimen, usually of the quartz variety, that has been coated with metal (i.e. gold, titanium) in a vacuum chamber resulting in an iridescent sheen.

Ball (form): Balls are usually shaped from a larger piece of crystal and may have planes or flaws within them. They emit energy in all directions equally. 

Barnacle (form): A barnacle crystal has many small crystals covering a larger crystal. 

Bridge (form): A bridge crystal grows out of another larger crystal. It assists in bridging gaps and bringing things together.

Carat: The standard measure of weight for precious stones and metals. A carat is equal to 0.007 oz (0.2g).

Cathedral Quartz (form): Cathedral quartz may appear to be composed of several convoluted pieces, but these are in fact all part of the main crystal which has multiple terminations with at least one point at the apex.

Channeler (form): A channeling crystal has a 7 sided facet at the front of the termination and a triangular face on the opposite side. It channels healing energy or information from higher sources. 

Cleavage: The way a mineral or rock breaks along a certain plane, or in a certain direction.

Cluster (form): A cluster has many points bedded, but not necessarily fixed, into a base. The crystals may be small or large. 

Companion (form): A companion crystal has two crystals entwined and partly growing in each other, or a small crystal that grows out of the main crystal. 

Cross (form): A cross formation has one crystal at right angles to another, usually larger crystal. 

Crystal: A naturally occurring substance whose atoms are arranged in a regular manner. 

Crystal System: The systems in which crystals are grouped based on their symmetry. There are 6 crystal systems: cubic, monoclinic, triclinic, trigonal/hexagonal, orthorhombic, and tetragonal. 

Diamond Window (form): Flat faces at the top of crystals are called windows. A diamond window is large and connected to the apex and the base.

Double Terminated (form): A crystal with two naturally faceted ends. 

Dull Luster: A shine that reflects very little.

Earthy Luster: A non-reflective mineral luster.

Egg (form): A crystal cut in the shape of an egg. 

Elestial (form): An elestial has many natural terminations and folds over a multilayered crystal. 

Etched (form): An etched crystal that looks as though hieroglyphs or cuneiform writing has been inscribed on its faces. 

Faces: The External flat surface that make up a crystal’s shape.

Fault Line: An inner flaw or break in a crystal that refracts light and appears to divide the crystal into sections. 

Fluorescence: The optical effect whereby a mineral appears a different color in ultraviolet light than in ordinary daylight. 

Fracture: The distinctive way a mineral breaks.

Friable: Minerals that easily crumble are referred to as friable.

Gemstone: A mineral, usually crystal-like, which is valued for its color, rarity, and hardness.

Generator (form): A generator crystal has six facets meeting equally in a sharp point. 

Geode (form): A geode is contained within an outer form. When opened, it is hollow with many crystals pointing inward. 

Geologist: A scientist who studies the Earth and its structure and composition.

Gridding: The placing of crystals around a building, person, or room for protection or enhancement energies.

Habit: The general shape of a mineral.

Inclusion: Any material that is trapped inside a mineral during its formation, often producing a rainbow.

Iridescence: A play of colors that looks like oil on water that occurs when light reflects off internal elements of a rock or mineral. 

Layered (form): Plate-like crystals such as lepidolite are referred to as layered. 

Luster: The way in which light reflects of the surface of a mineral.

Manifestation (form): One or more small crystals are totally enclosed by a larger crystal. 

Matrix: The bedrock on which crystals are formed.

Metallic Luster: A shine like that of polished metal.

Mineral: A naturally occurring solid with specific characteristics, such as a particular chemical composition and crystal shape.

Mineralogist: A scientist who studies minerals.

Mohs Scale: A scale of hardness used in classifying minerals. It runs from 1 to 10 using a series of reference minerals, and a position on the scale depends on the ability to scratch minerals rated lower.

Occlusion: A mineral deposit within a crystal, which usually shows up as cloudy patches, spots, or a ghostlike image depending on the color of the material.

Opaque: A substance or material that does not let light pass through it.

Ore: A rock or mineral from which metal can be extracted

Phantom (form): A phantom crystal appears ghostlike within the body of a larger crystal. 

Pleochroic: In a crystal, appearing to have two or more different colors or shades of color, depending on the angle from which it is viewed. 

Point (form): Points may be natural or artificially shaped. A single crystal point has a faceted pointed end and the other end tends to look ragged where it has been separated from a cluster base. 

Prism: A solid geometric figure with a set of faces parallel to one another.

Pyramid (form): A crystal with four sides on a base, but the base itself may be squared off if the crystal is natural (i.e. apophyllite) rather than artificially shaped.

Record Keeper (form): A record keeper crystal has clearly etched pyramid shapes on its side or sides. 

Resinous Luster: A shine like that of resin.

Scepter Quartz (form): A scepter quartz is a large central rod around one end of which another crystal is formed. 

Seer Stone (form): A seer stone is a natural, water polished stone that is cut to reveal an inner world. 

Specific Gravity: The ratio of a mineral’s weight compared to the weight of an equal volume of water.

Square (form): A square crystal consolidates energy within its form. It’s useful for anchoring intention and grounding. 

Streak: The color of a mineral’s powder. It is less variable than the color of the mineral, so is a more reliable identification tool.

Striation: One of multiple, usually parallel grooves or scratches on a rock surface, produced by abrasion associated with glacial movement, stream flow, a geologic fault, or meteoric impact.

Tabular (form): A tabular crystal has two wide sides resulting in a flat crystal which may be double terminated. 

Transmitter (form): A transmitter crystal has two seven-sided facets with two perfect triangles between them. 

Tumbled (form): Refers to stones that have been polished in a large drum with grit, resulting in a smooth and often shiny stone.

Vitreous Luster: A shine like that of glass.

Vogal Wand (form): A crystal with specially created, indented facets with specific angles down the sides of a quartz wand. 

Wand (form): A crystal in the shape of a wand, either naturally occurring or artificially cut. 

(( source | source | source ))

Revised 30 September 2017

[msdavinadouglas]

Overcoming the twin flame separation - accept invisible

I’ve recently overcome the twin flame separation which in fact was only an illusion my mind had produced due to a fear of abandonment and based on past relationships. It kept me in pain for about 7 months, day by day with a few days of peace. It had been triggered however, by the physical separation due to LDR, but love has been there, always, yet we knew we had to come back to our countries for the time being. During 7 months, the Universe made all my fears come out for healing and made my trust pass a few spiritual tests. Now I radiate, I’m myself again, we talk again. There was no help, no coaching, no support, no medicine, no new relationships, just me, a lot of mental & physical activity, and my twin flame with constant, unchanged love, but in spirit. I ran, chased and stayed due to personal issues. He ran but into professional work to develop what his self needed to achieve. This year 2014 is not for love but for doing a research & healing selves while preparing for the next meeting, which will be a more mature extension of our first.

Keep reading

[msdavinadouglas]

“The most difficult part of the twin flame Union is ultimately the yearning and longing for your twin. This feeling will be no doubt intensified at this time, as our planet has recently aligned with Chiron the wounded healer, and we are re-visiting all types of themes to do with child hood neglect, abandonment, and feelings of not fitting it. Of course this will be intensified for those also undergoing the separation period of the Union, and this is no coincidence. The universe has carefully orchestrated this time to highlight to you all of the wounds that you have been ignoring within yourself. Because of the intense longings for your twin you will have no other option this time but to seek within yourself, beginning to remember specific trigger points that built your belief systems of unworthiness, and finally find peace within yourself. This is an intense period of catharsis or purification to purge you of the energies and entities that deter your self realisation. You are an enlightened, magnificent teacher of infinite potential and healing ability, though for so long you have denied yourself this right. You will never fully or truly step into your calling unless you unleash the chains that bind you to uncertainty and wounding. How can one truly become the healer whilst they have not healed themselves? It is a request unable to be granted. Therefore it is the duty of you, the more enlightened twin to take this opportunity to listen to yourself. It is you who you are truly longing for. If you are still obsessing over your twin and their lack of attention toward you then this is all the proof you need that you still feel that you are lacking, empty, awaiting external fulfilment.”

— Spiritual poet - on the twin flame separation period. (via spiritualpoet)

Wow….eerily, scary true

[msdavinadouglas]

Soulmate, and Twinflames

Introduction :

Soulmates, and twinflames are usually used interchangeably even though they are not the same thing, and have just become greatly connected to each other even though they are two completely different concepts. There are many differences between soulmates, and twin flames that are usually not spoken about in the more romanticized versions of their concepts. These terms are not only used for partners in love, but can be for teachers, friends, acquaintances, and anyone else you have a bond with. It is important to understand the differences between these two concepts so that you can identify which ones may appear in your life.

Soulmate :

A lot of different people in your life can be a soul mate to you from family members to friends, coworkers to romantic partners. Everyone has at least one soulmate that will help them out on their journey, and these souls’s energies are pretty close to yours, or an exact opposite allowing you to be drawn towards each other. We are meant to cross paths with are soulmates in order for them to teach us something, and further our growth through our lives, and eternity. Soulmates are predetermined before we even start our lives here, and are usually destinies that we can’t get away from, and that will usually happen regardless of what we do. These relationships are very important to teach many life lessons, and in order to help us grow. Soulmate relationships help us raise our consciousness, and vibration through the lessons they teach, and the insights they give. You will incarnate with your soulmates until they are able to teach you all the lessons that you are supposed to learn from them. These soulmate relationships can help you awake into who you really are by telling you more about yourself, and what you’re really capable of.  They will usually enter our lives in very interesting ways that will make it seem like it was destined to happen. The bond you, and your soulmate may feel may fluctuate in strength, and intensity depending upon the lessons they have to teach you, and when you need to receive the lessons. These entities usually show up to challenge you to help you get changes in your life, and to help correct you along your path. They usually do not stick around if they have nothing left to teach us. Relationships with your soulmate can be romantic, but do not have to be, and can still be platonic, and probably are most of the time. Your soulmate may help you release and relieve certain pains of the past, so that you can heal, grow, and move forward. Soulmates are very important to our evolution, and are beings that will show up in our lives when we need them to teach us their lessons, in order to help us move forward.

Twinflames :

Twinflames also sometimes referred to as twin souls, and twin rays are a soul that split in two, or more other souls. Not everyone has a twin flame like they do a soulmate, but this does not make anyone with the twin flame better than anyone else. This also does not make twinflame souls incomplete in any way, but much rather a whole souls that can come together to form an even greater whole. As you can possibly imagine these two souls are very connected because of them coming out of each other, and even share the same energy as each other. Twin flames balance each other’s energies perfectly, so much so that you can associate each one of them with an element of yin, and yang. It is believed that eventually near the end of both of the souls’s journey that they will meet up again, and become one. Twin flames are going to be very drawn to each other a lot more so than a soulmate. If you have a twinflame you, and your twin flame probably share the same mission and/or purpose. The relationship brings you together in order to create, and make new things for the world, and everyone’s experiences. Allowing each other to grow with someone who is very connected to you is one of the relational benefits of being in a twinflame relationship. It is said most of the time that your twin flame usually does not incurnate with you, but instead waits, and assists in the higher planes of existence, until you guys are finally ready to meet each other on the physical. Twinflames are a very familiar part of your soul that is connected with you on a very high, and profound spiritual level, this connection should be understood, and worked upon to better the existences of both entities in the relationship.

[msdavinadouglas]

Purge, process, and purge some more...

I don’t want this anymore. The same connection that once brought me so much peace, happiness and ecstasy now only brings me pain and sadness and heartbreak. I should have moved back up north after I was forced out of my home, out of my life. This area, the shoreline that I love so much, just has too many triggers and reminders. I want my heart back. I want my soul back. I don’t want to love or miss him anymore. And I don’t want to hear those words from him anymore, either - it’s hurtful, selfish, disrespectful and most of all, a blatant lie that insults and angers me. You don’t love or miss the woman you threw away. Don’t tell me you love and miss me when you’re the reason I’m gone. He took everything from me: my love, my heart & soul, my trust, my confidence in myself, my future, and my home. And still, I forgive him. I’m letting him go completely and forgiving him so I can try to rebuild my shattered life and give myself all the love I once gave him. The love I deserved all along and never got. Best of luck living your lie of a life and your upcoming marriage. I can’t be here for you anymore.

[msdavinadouglas]

Being the Queen

Gonna really start living for myself. I don’t need anyone to “complete” me; I’m already complete. I’m finding that I actually do like myself as a person. I would be friends with me, I’m pretty cool. I’m smart, witty, funny, compassionate, a great friend, a great mom/grandmother, hard worker, loyal, comfortable in my own skin, confident, empathetic, I’ve been thru Hell and back and it’s only made me stronger, giving, I’m straight forward, I don’t give up easily and when I love, I love hard. I can find plenty of guys to be my friend with benefits, have 3somes and go to swinger functions with me. I am still so very, very connected to the love of my life and I miss him a great deal but it’s becoming evident that he doesn’t feel the same; I will deal with that one day at a time. Queen Elizabeth didn’t need a King to be an amazing Queen and I don’t need one either. I am already a Queen in my own right and it’s gonna take one helluva man to be my King so until I meet him, I am going to live for me.

[msdavinadouglas]

Never Truly Separated 11/10/15 9:00p

It’s so strange I’m not sure I can fully explain it; this sudden feeling of peace. Instead of the usual desperate attempts to get his attention or try to get him back where he belongs, I feel peace. I don’t feel the need to text; don’t feel the need to talk it out; don’t feel the need to try to see him. Not bcuz I don’t care or don’t miss him terribly or still love him with all that I am, I do. Something came over me yesterday. This feeling of “it’s going to be okay” washed over me and left me with this feeling of being at ease and no longer anxious. I have 2 theories on this sudden calmness: 1) it has really sunk in that we truly are twin flames and therefore I have nothing to really fear bcuz we will reunite; 2) something has finally snapped and realized that I deserve better than to keep being put on hold. Either way, I know I will be okay. I am leaning towards theory #1. I suddenly have no doubts of his love for me and I know in my heart and soul that this is another temporary separation. But we’re not really separated bcuz I can still feel him. I am giving him the space and time to do what he feels he needs to right now and I am going to take this time to work on myself. He has already started working on himself by living his true life and being who he really is; now I will do the same. When the time is right, we will put it all back together and it will be better than it ever has bcuz we have done the work on ourselves as individuals before rebuilding our union. It’s never really over with us and we’re never truly separated. It’s the strength of our love and other-level connection that keeps us unified. I have infinite faith in that and us. Even temporarily apart, I still love him more everyday 💜💜💜💜

[msdavinadouglas]

Awakening 11/10/15 3:00p

So after much reflection and introspection, I have decided to change. Change my attitude, my way of thinking, my priorities. Between what my sister has said to me and this most recent separation from my “twin flame”, I truly feel some change is in order. I have been in relationships since I was 16; not sure I even know who I really am bcuz I have constantly allowed myself to be defined by my partners. I talk a good game about being true to yourself but I’m not so sure if I’ve been doing that myself. I can make a very long list of what I bring to a partnership but what do I bring to myself? What do I do to ensure my own happiness? Why have I consistently looked to someone else to be in charge of making me happy? How suffocating for the men that have been a part of my life. Not enough that I am intense as fuck but to also put the responsibility of making me happy on someone else’s shoulders…that’s just wrong. I am going to start doing what I need to to make myself happy. I need to learn to love, respect and value myself before I can expect another person to do those things. This will probably mean sacrificing some relationships but change is also growth. Pluck the weeds and keep the flowers…..

[msdavinadouglas]

Ties that bind

Unfuckingbelievable…how long before the connection breaks?? Was always kinda cool to check and see if he’s read my messages at the same time that he read them but honestly, we texted a lot so I suppose some of it was coincidence. But now he never reads my messages right away - sometimes not for a day or more. So when I suddenly stop putting on my liquid eyeliner (which I never do; dries too quick) to check and see if he had read the message I sent at 12:26 this morning and he reads it a nanosecond after I open the messages…that’s not coincidence. Not that it matters anymore. Off to play in the mud. Will be plenty of inked up gear heads there; maybe I’ll find one that will actually want to hang out with me. Who knows….

[msdavinadouglas]

Deja Vu...sorta

So here we go again. Stuck between wanting to believe and wanting to walk. Seemed so natural spending time together this Sunday; was like a dream come true…for me anyways. His words, ohhhh his words. They keep playing over and over in my head - “I love you; I’ve missed you; I need you; no one else I want to spend the rest of my life with; I know what I have to do and I’ll take care of it; yes, this is what I want; yes I want to come home; you will always belong to me.” Do guys even realize the impact of their words and how they will echo in a girls brain and threaten to drive us insane? Probably not. He says all that and we proceed to have amazing sex (like always) and hold each other until he leaves and it was absolutely the best feeling. But. BUT!! The next day, he still needs time to think. Why don’t ya just punch me in my face?!? I just don’t understand. To an outside observer, he doesn’t come across as a very nice person. In fact, if one of my friends asked me for advice if their bf had said the same things, I would advise her to run and never look back. Is that what I should do?? This is our very last chance and I want so so sooooo much for it to work. But I can’t be put on a back burner indefinitely like so many times before, I won’t. How I haven’t walked away already is a fucking mystery to me. And to my close friends who all know I would never have tolerated this from anyone. Anyone but him, evidently. Even knowing that I was upset and scared and worried last night, I have barely heard from him all day. Now he is leaving for a month in less than a week. I have a feeling he won’t make up his mind before he leaves and that will just leave me hanging. I can’t do it. Maybe I really should just let him go. Then he won’t need to decide anything. God that would kill me. But waiting around on a chance he will stay with me and leave her is already killing me so what’s the fucking difference?! Ugh WTF!!!! I just want our life back. Our friendship, our sex, our twisted and liberating and highly satisfying alternative lifestyle, our commonality…our amazing connection. Together I see such an amazing future; I just wish he did too. Partners, friends, lovers, alter egos. I may not find all we have with anyone else but maybe I can find something close to it with someone that wants me for sure and never makes me doubt or feel like a second choice. Not sure if it’s a fair trade off but everyday we’re not a true couple is another day closer to me walking away to find out.

[msdavinadouglas]

Guess it wasn't real afterall

Like a pendulum swinging back and forth, my emotions change almost as quickly right now. Anger to tears to sadness to sorrow to anger to shame to self loathing to nothingness to utter devastation and pain so intense it stops me in my tracks and it takes all of my effort to refocus. Am I really that gullible to have believed everything he said to me. He said he regretted ever leaving me and he made the right choice with me; asked me to marry him; said he wanted to be the one for me for life… I don’t understand how he can say those things to me so sincerely and then just destroy me by walking away like I never mattered. I don’t even wanna be here anymore. I want my love back. I feel broken and incomplete without him, like missing a limb and the phantom pain remains. I miss my best friend. And after everything I have done and coached/supported him thru, now his life is on the upswing and he’ll be sharing his happiness and triumph with someone else. Why aren’t I good enough? Just wanna sleep for months and wake when the pain of losing both of them isn’t crippling.

[msdavinadouglas]

Just Blank

Can’t even fucking process right now. It’s just too much. I’ve lost them both, as I feared. Never thought I would find another that I loved so deeply and completely; but I did. I was blessed twice. And now they’re both gone. This kind of pain has no measure, no description that could ever accurately convey its true depths. I have had more than one thought of joining my first true love to escape the pain of losing my last true love, but I am trying very hard to just get thru one hour at a time. Moon Goddess Isis, goddess of magic, life, and love, watch over him: my love, my soul, my life; allow me peace enough to sleep tonight; if it be your will, bring him back to me. )0( Blessed Be )0(

[msdavinadouglas]

Deja Vu...sorta

So here we go again. Stuck between wanting to believe and wanting to walk. Seemed so natural spending time together this Sunday; was like a dream come true…for me anyways. His words, ohhhh his words. They keep playing over and over in my head - “I love you; I’ve missed you; I need you; no one else I want to spend the rest of my life with; I know what I have to do and I’ll take care of it; yes, this is what I want; yes I want to come home; you will always belong to me.” Do guys even realize the impact of their words and how they will echo in a girls brain and threaten to drive us insane? Probably not. He says all that and we proceed to have amazing sex (like always) and hold each other until he leaves and it was absolutely the best feeling. But. BUT!! The next day, he still needs time to think. Why don’t ya just punch me in my face?!? I just don’t understand. To an outside observer, he doesn’t come across as a very nice person. In fact, if one of my friends asked me for advice if their bf had said the same things, I would advise her to run and never look back. Is that what I should do?? This is our very last chance and I want so so sooooo much for it to work. But I can’t be put on a back burner indefinitely like so many times before, I won’t. How I haven’t walked away already is a fucking mystery to me. And to my close friends who all know I would never have tolerated this from anyone. Anyone but him, evidently. Even knowing that I was upset and scared and worried last night, I have barely heard from him all day. Now he is leaving for a month in less than a week. I have a feeling he won’t make up his mind before he leaves and that will just leave me hanging. I can’t do it. Maybe I really should just let him go. Then he won’t need to decide anything. God that would kill me. But waiting around on a chance he will stay with me and leave her is already killing me so what’s the fucking difference?! Ugh WTF!!!! I just want our life back. Our friendship, our sex, our twisted and liberating and highly satisfying alternative lifestyle, our commonality…our amazing connection. Together I see such an amazing future; I just wish he did too. Partners, friends, lovers, alter egos. I may not find all we have with anyone else but maybe I can find something close to it with someone that wants me for sure and never makes me doubt or feel like a second choice. Not sure if it’s a fair trade off but everyday we’re not a true couple is another day closer to me walking away to find out.

[msdavinadouglas]

Oatmeal brain

Ugh I am so fucked. Out of the blue, a text. A ping. Sitting at my desk, headset on and trouble shooting a software issue and I hear that text tone. Darth Vader’s light saber. My heart stops, my mouth goes dry, hands clammy and I instantly want to hurl. Must keep my composure while on the phone with a client. Do I respond? Ignore it? Wait an hour? Yeah right. 5 minutes, I ask “whats up?”. My sister, who I have frantically called, said that was bitchy sounding. “Just ping him back!” Agreed. Anyways….obligatory protestations of “shouldn’t have done that” and an hour later he is sending dick pics. Of the dick that belongs to me. Crap, time for therapy. More later….

[msdavinadouglas]

And the hits keep on coming

Joey is in the hospital. Getting his stomach pumped bcuz he can’t stop vomiting. And he’s in so much pain in his mouth & jaw; they’re talking about shaving his jaw. I can’t even begin to think about how the fuck they do that. Bottom line is none of it is good news. I may end up losing both of the biggest loves of my life. I have no idea how I am supposed to deal. No lover to help get me thru the loss of my first love of my life and vice versa. I can’t possibly lose them both. Haven’t I dealt with enough in my life?!? Jeezus fuck. For now I will look at the good looking happy young couple on my wedding video and cry myself to sleep with my lover’s stupid shirt that smells like him still. Apparently I like self-torture.

[msdavinadouglas]

Period of Forgetability

New theory I’m working on. The Period of Forgetability is a time frame in which people (dudes) forget about why they left a situation. This is why guys go back to women they keep leaving. They go back, have a honeymoon period, and then BAM!!! Ohhh yeah, that’s why I left. But then some time after they leave (again), they forget what is was like that made them leave so they go back (again). I have watched him do this about 4-5 times now. And not just with the ex; with his brother, too. After the first trip to Cali, he told me it sucked and he wouldn’t be going back. Then he went back. And hated it. Asked me to remind him the next time he thinks about going back of why he hates it. So I did; he went anyways. Again. Very similar with the ex. He forgets how trapped he feels; how little freedom he has; how tight that leash is; how he resents not being able to be who he is; how much he craves an honest relationship. He keeps leaving for valid reasons; I just wish he would keep remembering those reasons and stay where he belongs, where he can be himself and have his freedom and indulge in our lifestyle choices….with me. The potential for greatness is overwhelming, as is my sadness that he doesn’t see it. I will send my message out to the universe, I love you baby.

[msdavinadouglas]

May I have this dance...?

I don’t know if it’s a waltz or tango but this dance has me spinning backwards, forwards and sideways. Mad as fuck one minute and l am ripping off my headset to run to the bathroom to throw up or cry the next minute. I just miss him so damn much. The hurt, the absolute ever present ache I feel just to hear his voice, look into his eyes, feel the heat of his skin. I miss the fucking too but this is different. It is so pervasive that just about every minute of every day I fight the nausea I feel bcuz I feel so empty and utterly lost. To the outside world I look fine; strong; independent. As much as I loathe anything not real or genuine, I am a huge fake right now and I hate myself for that.