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Dealing with Sexual Assaults
“Of all the people in the world, why did this happen to me? Why me?”
That question is the most frequently asked on counseling or even the self-induced query which is lingering in the mind of the victim of rape cases. Just wanted to ask, who have given the perfect answer for that? Who have given the right answer to aid the chaotic mind of the victim? Or even just to let them feel that it was normal? Even it is not?
You can try to study the mysterious theory of coincidence that might amaze you on the conclusion yet never direct the answer on why it happens on a specific person. This theory will just give you the smallest percentile in math on the correlative chances of incidence.
Exactly, nobody can ever give the answer that they desire. That is one of the questions humanity can’t answer.
“I am one of you! I know it would be a big deal for the women with this cases to hear a line from a person who doesn’t shed the same dusk. Hear me out.”
Nobody knows. This is the hardest part of the aftermath. The event can’t be undo. You are afraid that after the shameful thing that had happen people will come and judge you. Seeing that nobody can ever accept you. You blame yourself or end up hating the world. Yes, you have the right to feel that way.
Think of this. We can’t expect acceptance from other people if we can’t give it to ourselves. This sounds so harsh yet realistic. If the statement, “people have always something to say” sounds familiar to you, then, please use it to express the event that had happen to you. It would be easier to have at least one on your side. Choose and you’ll be amaze on the support that you will receive.
Opinions. Misconceptions on the rape victims are ending up as: sex maniac and lesbians. It is painful that after the unfortunate event that had happen there are still humors and judgment roaming around. People can’t resist commentaries. However, those doesn’t matter because you know who you are. Your current decisions will determine you as the person whom you chooses consciously and unconsciously. Greatest thing that would matter would be your happiness.
Trust Issue. Another barricade to surpass is giving trust. Everything is difficult for the world that was built on that incident. Some of the victims would really find it hard to trust the opposite gender. That is inevitable. Even normal girls would do so much more with the one with the specific reason to be. You would feel suspicious most of the time when the opposite gender is around. That is the defense mechanism formed unconsciously. It has a good side and a bad side. Good thing is, you feel safe when you see no trace of marks of malicious doings. On the other hand, you build a wall on the people around you. Setting you apart from them. Even the people that you don’t tend to avoid was pushed away.
Don’t they deserve a chance to help you? Don’t they deserve to know you even more? Tell me, this is what you need the most; the need and the love from them. This time this is no longer about gender. This is about the concept of allowing people back into your life. This is the relationship that will help you to get out of the nightmares and the trauma. Give yourself a chance to be happy.
Another thing, to keep the relationship healthy you need to tell them what you feel and think of the situation. Tell them of the limits that you want to discuss so people will be aware on the lines they will cross. Soon you will figure it out easier.
Time alone. It is normal for a person whom undergone a traumatic experience to ask for space and time alone to think. That can be freely given to you. But please don’t take too long. There are scary things that silence can do and your brain can overthink. Solitude is a great gift but this is when you are rational. I don’t mean you are not just saying being too emotional can take over the thoughts. There will be questions formulated out of self-pity that can’t be answer ending you to be so frustrated. So, why not take it outside. Let selected trusted people hear this and then help you divert your attention into healthy thoughts.
Future. Stop asking for someone in the future to accept you if you can’t give it to yourself yet. That someone will accept you in time in ways you never imagine. People have big heart that you just need to see. Relationship at this kind, runs with commitment and integrity. So no need to hide. Just be realistic on the choices you make for sometimes the romantic good looking fantasy based guys doesn’t exist or if it does the relationship doesn’t work out.
One thing for sure, all things happen whether bad or good in your life to make you exceptionally strong and to mold great decisions out of you. Embrace yourself and state…
What’s next is my choice…
Title: What’s next…
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Entertaining Confusion and Uncertainties
It would be a hoodwinking hypocrisy to say, “Everything’s alright”. For truly it was the least set of words combined to attempt to describe this limbo that most of the people prefer not to hear. Hence, most cases thrown by people to you on your deepest mourn. This serves to be the comforting lines of the societal norm to politely give sympathy to someone and a perfect hoax to the current roar of your emotion.
… But to tell you, you don’t need to be afraid to response. Shout it out!!!
“It is not alright! I’m not OK!
It is painful! It is hurting me!
I don’t deserve this!”
For once, the need to face the reality must come first so the healing of the wound can start.
First in this paper, what the writer wants you to know is “you are not alone”. Look around you. People from different nations, culture, age and even gender are there with the same agony as you are. Wait! This doesn’t mean to say what you are feeling right now is easy. Hell, it is not. The dreadful feeling is still there in your fragile heart. May it be that you think living is useless and you find no courage to share it to someone? Worst case, the person you shared with paid no deep interest in your story. This makes you so alone. On next try, you are afraid to share the full details and suppress so it would be safe. You also feel ashamed on the specifics that in fact you don’t want to remember.
And this is the soul of this piece. To let you know that someone wants to listen. Someone is paying attention into the tiny details of your heart. Give it a second chance. Sharing it would lessen the pain. There would be no judgment done. Just an offer for a hand to move forward.
“Let us put a light in the future that you no longer believe exist or Let us build that future by the choices of letting go of the past. Let us make the past as a solid foundation that makes you strong today. ”
Begin by addressing the present situation. Here you are to decide. Answer the questions in your mind. It also requires taking the noises and trash that was trembling in your brain. You need to be wise in the choices you are in. Take it slow. Gradually take one stone at a time to build your defenses. Stop worrying about the consequences if you are not even acting on things. If you fail then learn from it. It will seal your guard.
Speak for the two faces of the coin. There would also be the need for the situation to be understood. Let go of the anger and one sided stories. You need to be fully expressed. This is hard. Big fact news, there would be no easy way out. Consider that a huge good news for it is fair game for all the people in this planet.
Start a journal. Writing journal sometimes makes it so depressing knowing that mostly are written when you are emotional. When you read it the feelings grew into a permanent truth. But here is the thing, you need to write both the sad moments and also the goals that you want to achieve because of that current state. Sort of an action plan. This need to be joyous. You may separate the two write ups. Then it would be suggested to skip reading some of the emotional write ups for week and just keep reading the action plan.
Act upon it. Don’t be a stagnant polluted water in the pond. If writing doesn’t work for you, companion would be great. Every move that will make you progressive and goal driven is perfect. Look into the beauty of the world. Sometimes, the beauty of things doesn’t comes like the one written in the book. Merely it is the small things that we wanted to view the simplicity and calmness. Try!
“So you know, we believe in you. I know you want change and progress in your life. All I can do is to give you an ear for most of the works will be done by you.”
You deserve attention because you are special…
Title: Hear here
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Squared Life
(kept piece)
by: Melanie Lizardo
In an empty nook a toom mind deceptedly awaits for fodder, dungeon cell for many years of striving for survival yet dead cadaver it claims. Sinister influences corrupted the harns drops to a barn. Vex drives immorality and misdeed. Accompanied with the clashes of dead air and broken window, shattered and fragmented bottle of wine on the side was at sight. That’s the life, a lass is facing.
It all started on a history page of once life. When her parents croak and been beleaguered by the Nestorius world. As she eyed a dusted frame, seeing a joyful smile of a child carried by the perfect family and secured by a comforting hug, she moves to pick it.
The smile of innocence and security plastered on a young girl with a brown eyes lined with curly hair like limbo, pinch her heart and asked herself “what happen to her?” the hands that embraces the neck of the father that expresses trust and fidelity. It makes her blood run that was a long time rotten and never function because of the subjugation exploit. She remembers the years stolen by the clock. On that playground where the picture was taken, the laughers that the broods share and the colorful world it takes.
That was Sunday afternoon, bringing a basket full of cupcakes her mother baked for the family and the mantle that her dad carry for a coating shield on the fine grasses on the ground overlay as the settle down. An ordinary day for incorruptible mind of a toddler concord on the eight years of growth, she used to run to call other kids to play and as they giggle and stubble down of a joyful heart she forgot the counsel of her mother.
“Cris, be careful and never draw farther!” With the most attractive eyes she had ever seen and a calm palm resting on her cheek which tad her whole notice. Taking this as an advice from a mouthful courage and love, she took off.
She unconsciously strides the limit of the lane which she personally doesn’t know. All she has done was to run up until a big noise and shake happen on the ground. “BOOM!” she fell down. As she look forward to the place where it came from and she realized it was from the abode where her family settled—HER FAMILY. She burst in tears.
“MOM! DAD!!”, as she tries to regain her balance she then sees the chaotic people running anywhere with the bloods and bodies on the Earth. She never mind the things she saw. All she desires was to see her family. But as she draws near the exact block her strength little by little mislays as her sight became blur.
Being awaken from the reality, she puts down the frame. And spurt in sobbing, that was ten years ago. But the same perdition is she facing, as she stood up from that nook and look around, she sight a mirror and fluster her. The fluid flows from her eyes for more as she looks upon the naked body she possess and asked herself, “why am I into this?”. She rushes into the bed and bury her body in the soft furniture but later haunt her skin of the numb air touching it. She rolls in to the sheet to hide her dirty figure and evoke for one event.
The newly stray woke up in the white painted room and plastered with a clothes that she didn’t recognized. She was in the HOSPITAL. Upon, hearing the annoying weeps of the residence around her, she remembers the loss of her family. But there is a guy at her side. The sight gets clearer and clearer, it was her uncle—Mike, her father’s brother. She taps the hands of the man. And all of a sudden, the guy woke up. “Cris, oh my goodness, DOCTOR!!!”as the voice registers in her mind, she come to a deep breath and closes her eyes. The last thing that her mind leaves was, “I still have hope”.
The unusual feeling make her decide to bath herself. As she venture to the dark room and enter a small cubicle where she can make it, the tiles’ coldness describes her phatic emotion. She turns the tube’s heater and sinks herself in the flowing water filling the space. Upon watching the water she shakes.
It was the same water that bathes her in the years. After one year of residing to her uncle’s house, she can no longer feel the fear and the sadness on her loss. Knowing that her uncle will protect her on the time of her needs she feels enlightened. Her uncle serves as her refuge, her hope, and her love. He is generous man whom she can associate to her father. The hands that feed comfort and security that she never think or remember the exact time she calls him, “FATHER!.” A nine year old child, whose needing love and seeking principles to counterfeit, as she plays soap and water sings happily on the tub.
“Believe in all that can be
A miracle start whenever you dream
Believe and sing from your heart
Hmmm….hmmmm..”
Though the pain from her loss still lingers, but the existence of her uncle is a reliever of her world. He is a living key to her locked life. The door knob moves and she stop singing and glimpse on the knob. Confident upon knowing that the house are just resided by her, her uncle and one hand maiden Krista, she answers, “Yes?”. “ I’m still taking my bath”.
“ Cris, open the door please?.” A similar robust voice echoed and registered an empty cue for the intention. “Father? Yes…wait.” Hurryingly unlock the door not minding the nudity she is. And run back to the tub.
“ I’m sorry, for the kill.” A sorrowful voice enters the unlock door.
“ Father it’s nothing. What happen to your epoch?” she rap the towel to her body and hug her uncle.
“I nullified the rebates I have.” A sad grunt set free.
“You should be happy for that Father” sounded to be a joyous child for the termination of the lawns her uncle.
“ It’s not what you think” a final declaration that hunts her even now.
Yes, it’s not what I think. I failed because it’s the line on the palm’s scribble and the life that erroneously plotted down. There is Anger, anger not in people that contributed to her grudges but the world that let it happen. Pain has abandoned her because it makes her solitude to hold and not to protest. She shove the legs that has grown as pale as it was and reach to touch a cigarette scan at her stomach this is the mark that kills her hand and bury her to the netherworld.
A cherry hush that rend the innocence and contaminated prickled the jewels of her childhood just the moment a rascal rules to her life. It was hard. As every day the same rascal greets her at the lifeless bed for the feeding. But it’s been 8 years. 8 years of feeding herself with nothing and the rascal feeding to her but factual is…… she is now lifeless….
Since, her hope hoaxes her…..
Antonio is the name of the rascal. The man covers with the hatred on his blood. The man that planned the bombing that kills her parents is the man that draw gamble to her uncle. But the man that she learned to love after 8 years.
Because she is the witness of this man’s greatest ache….. that night..
She hates the harassment that this man contemplate. She has planned this the broken window that can draw a gaze at this heart. As she raise the plate, a sound broke the silence, “please!; senior Miquel my mother needs hospitalization. A loyal servant all her life to your abode” a rascal face but now forms tears for a mother. She put down the plate. And took the nook of the room.
--- My father owns him a life; so I will repay him a life---
(this is so old but am going to post it anyway)
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Starting my collection of Historical Coins. Rare coins| Fascination
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Married to Literature
🙊mslizardo1
In the journey of forming my future where you got to choose your profession, I fall in love with literature. Admired the kind of love Austin shares, Shakespeare hid. Formed delusion on satires who wish to fool yet never did. Protest poetry that never runs into rhythms kicks. Amazing it is as I take the next step.
Once I formed the kind of man, every woman would dream about. The one like Romeo that is willing to drink the poison to be with you. The one like Harry Potter with his adventurous spells. The one like Legolas that has the long white hair and beautiful eyes. The one like Luke Collins who will drive your romance to the yard. The one like Christian Grey who will break his boundaries to earn you back. Perfect to think about… Lovers of literature standard will always go up! Never ending! Never going down! However, as I open my eyes I asked, “Where thou art man of Literature for I don’t have the eternal life?”. The whisper of Disney World give life to me, “Believe!!”.
Now, it has been a long waiting. As the age embrace same goes with the bones. “How will I be Juliet to quickly hide my prince in the balcony with my walking stick? How will I be Ginny who will accompany the wizard of all time if I can’t travel to time? How can I be Daenerys- the mother of dragon if all I have is natural ash-grey hair? How can I be Sophia Danko if I can no longer ride a horse? How can I be Anastasia if I can’t no longer keep the pace of talk?” In a half shake, that I can’t barely hold my breath. Still the love that literature teach never wither, never hate.
What a fate Life gave me!!!! Still the luckiest Lady that only true fan of this expanse could understand.
#I wish to say this when I reach 50 without my prince...
#But Let us see...
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Give in
Time in season
Where someone
shown uncommon gallantry
ladies' heart fell
And Does not exclude me...
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Longging
When you know
she's already gone...
But in time
You'll meet again...
Where all pains
Has no place...
And a hug
Will heal it all...
Then tell me
When will it be?...
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Papa
Papa, do you love me?
Even you always leave me?
You always say it's for me
But all I long is for you to stay.
Your baggage are packed
And they seems not touched
You just arrive yesterday
And you bid goodbye today.
Papa, do you love me?
Even you always leave me?
You always say it's for me
But all I long is for you to stay.
You let me remove your shoes
And they seems to me not known
But the light mist aqua musky notes
As I hug you till I drown
Papa, do you love me?
Even you always leave me?
You always say it's for me
But all I long is for you to stay.
Papa, you missed my graduation days
And so count as well my birthdays
Papa, I hope you know
I tried to understand till I grow
Papa, do you love me?
Even you always leave me?
You always say it's for me
But all I long is for you to stay.
Now its been years
And all left was dried tears
Still I ask:
"Papa, do you love me?"
But Papa I love you So...
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"SURREPTITIOUS PAL"
Midst of my toom mind it lays,
Disgruntled odious chagrinned voice sinister deep within,
World whisper: “nothing serious; nature of man”,
Grasp strive to drive; found it lies.
Bend stoop still I hold: nothing new,
Cause life offer stones tremble to rise,
Sometimes phantasm murmur: “real world cope a rise,
Now late: death of all the Jew.
Slap on the cheek: I gain rosy
The pain I envy: but t’was not
Warmth hands tap thy shoulder: comfort found.
That’s the abstract friend long I found
Buried deep within me: now it shakes
Warns it earnest awake: stood forever stay.
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Paradox
A cliché for many; life for some,
Deceiving world offers wine yet daunted slay,
Lubish feat: ought be vigilant all day,
To die to live: so be home.
Law’s Earth t’was: nothing clearer than t’word,
Wisdom-seeking stay yet started when thou commit,
Satisfaction,joy,humility: hard focal to admit,
Procure life’s get-away symbolizes sharp sword.
All want to go to heaven,
But sadly:no one wants to die,
Frightened to be hurt but freely abuse.
Life gives and offers us wise choice;
So, live it wise: right and just;
Be subject for consecration; genial and sturdy.
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Clinch
Holiday of August 2002. As a child, I was centered on the idea of our tradition (as I take my parent's example) which is to hold the family whatever odds it may take even you are only fixed. By every Sunday school I had attended it becomes my goal. I will be a perfect mother to my kids and wife to my future husband and even many says, “their lives sucks because of the extended family they have” I will make sure that I am with connection to my big extended family. Declared.
By chance, I was to stay at auntie's place which I would not deny I like the most. Imagine: The huge place fully furnished on the right corner of a subdivision compound facing the large rice field which I cannot see in the city; the two refrigerators full of fruits, chocolates and milk with this note “you can have all of those as long as you can finish what you open”; above all, the huge bathtub which has its own huge cabinet full of milk, soap of different color, and paper sticker that was for the skin hairs as I described it. So, I remembered myself bathing in the huge tub with jelly like liquid soap scented with vanilla, milk (which is quiet unfair because of the tiny amount poured), and my favorite green soldiers stolen from my Brother Rafael’s battalion. I was dumbfounded every time I take a bath there because it is friendly to my eyes not compared to how mama bathes me. I always cried because of soreness as the soap being pressed to my face with the line “you are so lazy bathing and fond of playing”. My hands were crinkled as I raised it from the water. It has been a while but I don’t like to stop. Just in time as auntie was on sight.
“You must dry yourself now. It's late. Besides, I will go somewhere” she stated with a smile on her face.
“It won't take long swear” I plead.
“Sorry, I must be going” saying as she raps the towel to my body. “look it is already nine” pointing in the analog clock above the bathroom’s mirror that is adjacent to the head of the tub.
“Ok. But you told me I can go with you on my birthday right?” as I tried to insist myself.
“Yes, but not this September, count 3 more birthdays” she laugh at me as she gives me hope.
After a while the house was covered with silence when I decided to turn off the television set on aunt’s room.Auntie will be home as early as she could as promised..
I was enjoying the luxury that she is giving me. The attention that I specially get from her makes me feel special. I tried to fold again and again the clothing that was from Japan which was printed with Hello Kitty. And I am excited to show it to my father -my new pink radio cassette. I will give also the share of my siblings especially to my youngest sister. There was this emotion that I cannot explain and even quantify. The word I can compare it would be-I am happy.
As I was about to bed myself, a continuous knocks echoes on the house. IT GOT to be auntie. She’s back too soon as she promised.
Then, I run on the door to open it. I am never wrong about her. She keeps her word. As I open the door with a full smile, I was wrong it was not auntie. It is Kent our neighbor and indeed he is close to the family so I let him in.
“What can I do for you?”asking him as we both got inside.
"Hi, your auntie ask me a favor of getting some stuff in the kitchen and you must go to sleep.” he said.
So I do what he told me to. I am now in the room and decided not to keep the things that aunt gave me and let it stay on the long couch at the feet of the bed. I turn the lights off and settled on the bed. I am really grateful to have such a caring aunt who treat me as her own daughter. I already closed my eyes when hands touched me. Anxiously, I pulled myself yet it is not so alarming as I open my eyes-it is just Kent.
“You scared me” I tried to calm myself and throw a small laughter to ease myself. “do you need some----” I stopped by acknowledging a knife pointed on me.
“’don't dare to shout or else ill kill you” he stated as he sweats.
I started to cry when a noise came out of my mouth “mooommmm”.
“Make noise! So I can kill you and whoever you cared about. ”. Then I bit my lips to stop making any noise. He started to draw the knife even nearer to my neck. I can feel it on my skin. Then, he removed my pajamas. I cried even harder because even I was just in second gradeI knew where was this heading. I heard about it on news. On my mind;
I am shouting, pleading that someone can be there to help me. I thought about my parent and seek their presence. Where are they? They had promised to protect me- to be my guiding light but they’re not there…
As he do his intent. The darkness of the room was as dusk of what I’d felt. I can’t breathe. Then, he takes the life of his cigarette by marking my knees and even to one off my private parts. I can no longer feel my legs. I just look away. The physical pain doesn’t meet the emotional and mental pain that bothers me on the journey that he took to satisfy his desire. He was on senior years the brother of my playmate.
He moved and I cried.
He was stealing my dreams
… my whole being…
---- it was a nightmare that is rushed to the point of asking the God that I am serving… I am a born Christian, why me???
As the wounds heal, the scar was left for me to remember that I was a trash.
Nobody knows! Aside from my bunch of diary that has to be burn every New Years Eve as my made ritual. Why? Because I am afraid that ends on finding someone to blame. I started to hate myself, my parents with their feeding of fantasy. I hate fairy tale’s the happily ever after. The world is cruel…
I only dream to have a wonderful family a husband and kids yet that is impossible as the teenage life begins. Who would ever accept me? I am a shame on our family- to our tradition and a trash of the society. Sooner and sooner it became a delusion. Nightmares of my night.
So what is the purpose of serving the supernatural divine being? If the world is made to be ruining the life even it is not your choice? From then, I want to be normal…
2 Corinthians 10:5
Casting down imaginations and every high things
That exalteth itself against the knowledge
Of God, and bringing into captivity every
Thought to obedience of Christ.
Admit. I haven’t realized that all through out there is Someone I know who is crying with me every night of my nightmare and hugging me in my dark room and guiding me all my way. I was blinded by anger that I tend to neglect His plans for me.
One way of how He set me free is meeting a person who accidentally read my journal. That person cried and hug me (that was my first hug after the incident) “you are a loving person you just wanted to hide it. Many will accept you if you will let them understand you.” And followed by another person I met on a spiritual seminar who shares the same story as mine. She is confident and never shed tears upon sharing it. She had moved on.
God chose me to undergo this struggle because He knows I will sooner let go and be strong. He knows that if I and my sister will be given the choice to which it must happen, I will take it.
Now, I share to friends and youths the hug that they need and listen to their stories. Even it takes thirteen years before I finally let people know.
Soon after graduation on the time my parents would think I can live alone it will be their turn.
Ecclesiastes 3
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.
The healing starts when you forgive yourself- caste away yourself pity, the change starts when you accept your destiny, and finally joy will reach you when you choose to let go…
[that was written 3 years ago.. Just wanted to share it. To answer your question, Yes that is a non fiction-memoir)
(i suck at grammar)
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