mslorelai - Tumblr blog

[mslorelai]

The awesome thing about grief is that none of us grieves exactly the way the next person does. I have seen some things that I find quite horrible, but that are done in the name of grief, and I do try so hard to not judge simply because it will manifest differently for everyone.

However, the grief that I feel over the spouse, not so much grief I would say, as it is sheer anger and frustration. I grieve for yet another bad decision made by myself. I grieve that I wasted the one marriage I was willing to step into on an absolutely maniacal, evil piece of shit.

This grief is for the loss of myself in those years. It's for having to sacrifice everything about myself to make someone happy that was incapable of even finding contentedness. The grief inside me is for the pilot light that struggled to keep itself lit for years. It struggled under the tumultuous weather conditions, and when the storms departed, was finally able to perform to its full potential.

I almost forgot who I was. It wasn't until shortly before the end that he got to see Ze Bull from me. I raged against the dying of that little light. My feet were planted firmly, and never rose above the dirt as I was pushed through. You tried to stomp out the fire in what was almost a lifeless corpse, but I bounced back from you. I am stronger because of you, and I am more staunchly myself than ever before because of you.

For the years of trauma and possibly never ending issues and for almost taking the one thing from me that I truly loved, I hope you are twisting around and burning in a vat of napalm. For pushing me until I had no choice but to drown, or fight my way to the surface, thank you for bringing back my rage. I'm really Rosie, I'm Rosie real. Fucker.

“Grief does not change you. It reveals you.”

— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

[mslorelai]

You would fume at me for reading her emails. You would have gaslit me ferocisouly, and claimed that I was making it up when i told you that her feelings and fears were exactly as mine were, and that I knew that because I read them. What you kept. I could never have been 'good enough' for you, and neither could they.

You didn't get to completely break Keri, she got out early, good for her. Not soon enough, before your abuse began, before you tried to gaslight the ever loving hell out of her, until she began to have the exact same thoughts that you drove me to.

The difference is that I stuck around five years. Because marriage is til death do us part, right? It was a mere seventeen seconds away from death for me, for the boy. I stuck around lost, desparingly empty, pleading every morning for the fresh hell that i knew was around the corner to not be that bad that day.

Every day was awful. You almost ended mine, but then took your own. I didnt want that for you, ever. I wanted peace, and happiness even for you. I wanted to not be hated in my own home for not being able to read your mind or jump fast enough to make you happy, or have to be able to predict and prepare for the random extreme mood swing of the day. Then, when I was just days away from my own departure, you made your own.

My best, and her best, was never anywhere near good enough for you. Yet what we got was utter shit in return. You didnt want us happy, you wanted something more like a concubine.

I am not sad that you left me alone. You deserve to be alone. What you did was leave me bitter. Paranoid. You would absolutely hate it to know that my pieces are being swept up, that I am working hard to be happy, better than I ever could have with you.

I hope that your energy feels every moment that my heart swells for someone who isn't you. Someone who is better in every single way, who doesn't make me flinch when he's near me. Someone who not only doesn't look for any excuses to belittle me and put me down, but who doesn't at all, ever. I hope its like thousands of burning papercuts to your eyelids. I am only my own now. Fuck you, masshole.

Your absolute best won’t be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right person. Remember that.

Unknown

[mslorelai]

Being an “understanding person” is the worst kind of thing. i repeat worst. you have to understand people’s situations, their problems, their traumas. but when it comes to you, you will scream alone. absolutely alone.

[mslorelai]

Well if this ain't the story of my damn life! Lose your mind, indeed. My lost mind let me wander all the way into marriage. Oh, how lost and depressed I was. What horrid, and incredibly detrimental mistakes I've made!

Don't get me wrong, I am certain to make plenty more mistakes in the future. However, the mistakes I make won't have the same red flags. They won't be controlling and extremely manipulative.

“Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you come to your senses.”

— Socrates

[mslorelai]

Absofuckinglutely

“Learn to say no without explaining yourself.”

— Unknown

[mslorelai]

But Oh, the sparkle that dances in those eyes

“When you are attracted to people, it’s because of the details. Their kindness. Their eyes. The fact that they can get you to laugh when you need it the most.”

— Jodi Picoult

[mslorelai]

“Fall in love with the person who enjoys your madness, not an idiot who forces you to be normal.”

— Unknown

[mslorelai]

please PLEASE unlearn this

Unconditional love isn't a free pass to hurt me.

[mslorelai]

[mslorelai]

This is absolutely true. My being dead inside, and allowing myself to coast through life thinking, "it will be fine. I can handle this. It won't be so bad." That is the shit that got me into trouble. Got me 17 seconds away from my kid and myself being murder victims. Made me a widow at 42.

When there are red flags, don't let them go. Do not allow yourself to think it will change in the future. Nothing good will come of that. They won't change bc they won't ever want to, and you will become a casualty of the mental war they have been fighting since long before you were a part of their life.

I hope none of you ever have to use it, but if you do, always remember these words, in this order: Run. Hide. Fight.

Your life depends on it.

“The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.”

— Unknown

[mslorelai]

This. OMG this is fucking terrifying. PLEASE vote blue. IDC who it is. This is SO important.

I really think people have forgotten just how bad things were under the Trump Administration. Literally every day there was news about some service being cut or someone terrible appointed somewhere they shouldn't be or what have you. He constantly flirted with WW3 and military dictatorship. It was such a blur of badness that there aren't big standouts for people to point to to make him "the XYZ president." it was everything. all the time. Why do we not remember this.

[mslorelai]

Pay attention to what they do, not what they say. Always. The saying is ten thousand percent true about actions speaking louder than words. If they want to be there for you, they will. If they care, they will show it, and in the way that you NEED to be shown. They won't balk at it, or ignore it and tell you "But I am showing it in my own way and that is what you get!" They value you, and you will feel that in your soul. Wrap yourself around that shit like a boa constrictor and do not let go. Genuine passion and respect and happiness is not as prevalent as the movies portray. Ride that shit like a proud viking on his descent into Valhalla.

[mslorelai]

I put zero into what comes out of a fortune cookie. However, I've never gotten the same fortune as the person sitting across from me. I've never read a fortune, and said, "I know, and I can't wait." Until this weekend. I've never felt the excitement of that anticipation met by anyone else the way I did when I glanced across the table.

[mslorelai]

I give back the same energy I receive. When it no longer serves me, I walk away. I deserve more than what I had gotten in the past. So much more. I'm not settling again, I can't.

This weekend was a non-intentional test that was passed with flying colors. What was mostly ruined, the plans completely dashed, was still saved in an unexpected way.

[mslorelai]

May you manifest someone who understands your love language so you don’t have to spend your life translating your soul. Someone who reciprocates the energy and effort you give. Who cherishes and celebrates every ounce of your sensual, soulful, sentimental, and spiritual nature.

[mslorelai]

“Be with someone who will take care of you. Not materialistically, but take care of your soul, your well being, your heart.”

— Unknown

[mslorelai]

“Make yourself a priority once in a while. It’s not selfish. It’s necessary.”

— Karen A. Baquiran