mspeanutletters - Tumblr blog

[mspeanutletters]

my name is sixteen, a father's flesh desperately peeking through my neurons navigating its way through the bottomless pit of teenagehood filled with anger and wildness. hear me out, i swear, i knew it all. i knew life. i knew science. i could swear that i held something for a moment that isn't too fragile and inane. i swear, i didn't mistook purblindness for resilience. i promise, i was more than what i destroyed. it didn't took as much for me to gaze at something beyond complex and still adore it, i didn't lost that naivety because my eyes; even in its terribly blind state found sunrays beautiful. the light persist beyond i. i am always all over the gamut of being a person, never there nor quiet here. i have this superficial pleasure from those that i love yet offers an brutally abyssal grief for them. ganito kasi 'yon, i swear, i was never a hideous monster— just sixteen.

[mspeanutletters]

every time i realize that i am getting over you at the slightest, i scatter things that resemble you, and talk about you, and put myself marks that will make me ache about you so that i'll have to get over you again. and again.

[mspeanutletters]

there is nothing closer to death than being unlovable. i am immortal; i am loved.

[mspeanutletters]

i cling to everything i have ever loved, silently, desperately. i never know any form of love except on gritting my teeth but holding on a little tighter.

[mspeanutletters]

i feel like i would never be able to stop grieving for all that could've been. i'm afraid that i would spend my life resenting the cruel hands that raised me. if only i was held gently, if only i did not inherit my father's rage and live with my mother's fragility. i'm afraid that my body will deteriorate once i am touched, i am afraid that i will spend my life running away from hands i desire the most.

[mspeanutletters]

It's okay if it takes a little longer than you thought.

[mspeanutletters]

does it take two for the father to hear prayers? i grieve over him twice as he does, doesn't that count?

[mspeanutletters]

ayaw na ayaw talaga ng mga kaibigan ko na hindi ako sentimental tulad nila. naiwala ko kasi 'yong bracelet na bigay ni daki, tinago ko pero hindi ko na maalala saan ko nilagay 'yong bigay ni jean. hindi ko maalala 'yong mga kaarawan nila pati yung lugar at petsa kung kailan kami unang nagkakilala. pero alalang alala ko 'yong nunal sa baba ng mata ni jean bandang kanan, kay aubrey namay ay lima sa buong mukha niya. 'yong morenang kutis ni jade na medyo abo tapos 'yong buhok niyang sobrang kintab na parang nilagyan ng mga glitters. maganda rin 'yong mala hugis ng bunga ng almendras na mata ni kristine, at 'yong katahimikan ni stacey. ayaw ko rin sa paraan ko ng pag alala, mas masakit saaking lumimot kasi gustong gusto ko talagang kumabisado ng mga detalye nila.

[mspeanutletters]

i am still grieving, inanis. you're louder than any of my thoughts tonight, it doesn't go as discreet as it is, i am missing so much.

[mspeanutletters]

but who observes the observer?, in centuries of fulfilling our inherent roles, when did the ones being consumed desire to consume? or take the equal of what she can gave? the other one does more; she has to. god seemed to have given each of us inabilities; one must only consume, and the other must bear the inability to do that, she can only pray to be swallowed entirely so that she won't grieve for mere pieces.

#peanutbutter