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I found out 6 months ago that my dad isn’t my dad and my sperm donor made over 100 babies.

I took an Ancestry DNA test not expecting this whatsoever. I went into it thinking my dad was my dad, sometimes people just don’t look like one parent.

Short reason I took the test: I was curious to see if there was an ethnicity I wouldn’t expect in my DNA. The long reason has to do with the intersection between reincarnation and ancestor spirituality.

It actually all started about a year ago when I realized via tarot that in my past life I was my grandma’s boyfriend who died in Pearl Harbor. An astrologer with a specialty in past life readings confirmed that for me in a mind-blowing way. He then told me about a past life where I was Dutch. Then a separate psychic I’m social media friends with told me that I had Dutch and French ancestors. All my life I just thought I was Irish with a little English and German, and I knew that people tend to reincarnate within the same culture and/or family, so I wanted to confirm via DNA if I had this ancestry.

I got a lot more than I bargained for.

December 30, 2024, I got my results at about 9:30am. Before it lets you see your results, it shows you a disclaimer going “Some people are very surprised by their results! You can’t sue us about it!” And I went “yeah yeah whatever.”

“Who the fuck is Bruce?!”

I was the only adult in the house, watching my 2 year old twins. I sent my best friend a voice message bc I needed to talk this out with my voice and she was the only person I trusted in that moment. I didn’t trust my husband to understand. I told her something like “I got my DNA results, you know it’s the usual, Irish, German, whatever, but it matched with this man named Bruce and it’s SAYING HE’S MY FATHER!”

Among Donor Conceived People, the next few steps are extremely common. Denial: “this has to be a mistake.” Anger: “did my mom cheat on my dad?!” Bargaining: “I’ll message all these people I matched with that it’s saying are either my half siblings or aunts and uncles, and surely they will explain wtf is going on here.”

The first person to message me back said “here’s my number, call me, I’ll explain everything.”

It was about 10am now. He was in the car with his wife on speakerphone. He knew things about me before I said them, and he explained that Bruce was a sperm donor, the doctors told our parents to never tell us, there had been full anonymity, he had donated for about 16 years and there were a lot of us.

“I’ve fucking SEEN ALL THESE DOCUMENTARIES!” I said. Yelled? It felt like yelling in my head, but I was shaking so much I might have barely squeaked it out.

My new brother’s wife added “And Bruce isn’t a creep, by the way! He’s a really nice guy!”

After we got off the phone, he invited me to our sibling WhatsApp group, Facebook group with our siblings, Bruce, Bruce’s wife, and one of the sons Bruce raised before he started donating. He also sent me a Google doc with information on Bruce each sibling.

So within an hour of getting my DNA results, I had a new dad, 30-something new siblings, and an onboarding packet.

I say 30-something, that’s just the number that have been found out of more than 100 that Bruce sorta knows he made. He wasn’t supposed to know anything about the parents or babies, but he somehow got nurses at the clinics he donated at to illicitly tell him when he “landed one.” He lost count around 80. He feels certain it’s over 100. One of our siblings grilled him on his donation schedule and estimates the number could be as high as 220.

There’s also a problem with the fact that my mom never went to a clinic. She was inseminated by the same OBGYN who eventually delivered me, at the same hospital that Bruce himself was born in. I don’t think he knew that his donations travelled like that.

The day I found out, I just let myself spin out. I didn’t try to approach my mom. I needed the dust to settle a little. My husband begged me to wait until we didn’t live with her anymore, he was scared she would have such an outsized reaction as to kick us all out of her house, but we had no timeline on moving out, and I knew if I didn’t ask somewhat soon, I would explode.

The day after I found out, I waited for my mom to sit down to lunch. Made sure she had at least a few bites in so she wouldn’t be hangry AND blindsided.

Except she couldn’t be blindsided. She had put the DNA test in the mail for me. She had tried to talk me out of taking it at all. I thought she was just taking it as a personal affront to her genealogy skills.

She had 6 weeks to decide how she wanted to handle this conversation. And the tactic she apparently decided on was to act like it was boring and casual. Like I was talking about the weather.

“Does Dad know about the fertility clinic?” “What fertility clinic?” “The one you apparently went to?” “Oh, that. Of course.” She shrugged.

It was like pulling teeth, but I learned that he’d had a vasectomy during his first marriage, Mom was his 2nd wife.

“I told him it was a baby or nothing,” she said in a tone that told me she thought she was very clever. I also learned that Dad requested the guy be Irish, which Bruce is not. Or, he is a little tiny bit, but if you had asked him in 1987 when I was conceived, he would have said “No, I’m German.”

I didn’t find out that Mom never went to a clinic until one of my brothers came to our house to meet me and she dominated the conversation.

She was friendly and interested in him because she couldn’t escape him, but whenever I try to talk about my biological family, she’s very clipped. She doesn’t wanna hear about it. The other day she went “Aw, you were born at the same hospital, how sweet,” in a very mocking, seething tone when I was talking about Bruce, after I’d come home from having coffee with one of my brothers. She has never asked how I feel about the situation, never will.

It took me a month to figure out how to approach my dad about it. He’s a very emotionally repressed, very conservative Irish Catholic. I decided an email would allow him space to deal with his emotions in private, which is what he would want. I told him everything, told him how much more respect I had for him, tried to frame everything as positively and lovingly as possible.

The day after I sent the email, he came into my room and told me he wasn’t happy I found out at all, everything was great as far as he was concerned (it was not great), and he wasn’t happy about sharing. Like I’m a fuckin pizza.

I never really bonded with my dad, he doesn’t talk to me even though we’ve lived in the same house my whole life, so I don’t even know what he thinks he’s “sharing.” 🤮

And then there’s Bruce.

He and I started emailing back and forth. I get my passion for writing from him, as do a lot of my siblings. I also inherit his interest in spirituality and “alternative states of consciousness,” as he put it. Most of us also inherited his wanderlust, which he himself inherited from several generations of pioneers, missionaries, and other intrepid travelers.

He sent me his grandmother’s memoirs. She was one of the first women to graduate UCSF back in 1896, and took her MD straight to India, where she met her husband, a missionary, and had a bunch of her 7 children. Her daughter also met her husband in India, he was from New York but he worked for a tire company and went where the rubber was.

To think, I had no idea about any of this when I moved to Morocco to be with my Moroccan husband.

Unlike my parents, Bruce has asked me about my feelings and tried to get to know me. Despite all the kids he has, he gives everyone as much attention as we want.

That means he also respects it if we don’t want to be involved. There are a few siblings in denial, and we leave them alone.

The siblings that are in contact are awesome. I adore them. I’ve met 3 brothers and one sister, all live in California. Most of us were born in California, but most have moved around. Wanderlust.

It’s surreal meeting a stranger who looks like you and has the same sense of humor as you. The other day I noticed my brother and I both rub our eyes a lot, a similar mannerism. My sister was the first person I’ve ever met who also didn’t understand why everyone was freaking out about lockdowns in 2020. I told her “Finally! Someone who gets it!”

She’s also into psychics, and one had just told her that she had some kind of connection to Canada, and was spooked when I mentioned our great-grandfather was Canadian. She didn’t know.

Which brings me back around to my grandma’s boyfriend who died in Pearl Harbor.

The same astrologer who confirmed that for me was thrilled to get a birth time for a sperm donor.

And he was able to tell me that Bruce also died in Pearl Harbor in his last life.

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we need to invent a spray tan-style treatment but instead of spraying you with tanning stuff it sprays you with heavy duty spf. and it lasts a few weeks so that way you can just get your spf spray a few times a summer instead of having to spend 10 minutes every day getting sticky and oily and making sure the sunscreen is all rubbed in. how do i get on shark tank

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DON’T LET THE MEDIA FLIP THE NARRATIVE‼️

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hi. fuck ice. here is how you can help families affected by unlawful deportation

edit: and FUCK LAPD. here is how you can help bail out protestors who are in the trenches, facing mass arrests and putting their bodies on the line.

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holding onto this again:

it will not be like this forever. sometimes this is how it ends

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Alternatives to Squishmallow

So as many of you have probably already heard, Jazwares, the company that produces Squishmallows, is donating to charities that support Israeli soldiers and the IDF. They’re also supporting Canary Mission, which has been doxxing people who speak out against Israel. BDS hasn’t called for a boycott against them, but I can’t in good faith spend my money on their products, and I would strongly encourage everyone who enjoys plushies to really think long and hard about if you want to give your money to a company that’s helping support genocide!

But the holidays are coming up, and lots of us enjoy plushies and were fans of Squishmallow, and were planning to give Squishmallows to friends and family this year.

Fortunately, there are a number of great plushie companies out there, and I want to promote some of my favorites in the hopes that folks will get their plushie fix from a source that doesn’t side with Israel. So without further ado:

Fluffnest

Fluffnest got their start on Kickstarter a few years ago, and I adore the round shapes of their PuffPal plushies! My favorite is Pete the Possum, which is probably the best possum plush I’ve ever seen. I’ve also got a beautiful moth from their Kickstarter and I’ve been wanting their bats for ages. They also recently had a Kickstarter for an Animal Crossing-esque video game featuring their plushie characters and it looks fantastic.

Squishables

I can’t get over the plague doctor plushies. They’re so perfect and cute, and they’ve released other variations of them called Alter Egos, like a ghostly version, an alien, or a really sweet cottagecore one! They’ve got a ton of variety, but what I like the most are the fantasy plushies. There’s a lich! There are dragons and demons! Cryptids! Biblically accurate angels! A lot of really fun stuff!

Also they do a lot of great charity work! Right now they’re doing an auction for the Food Bank of New York City.

AfternoonFika

AfternoonFika is a very small business of only three people, but their plushies are extremely cute. They tend to sell out fast, so I recommend following them on social media to stay on top of any restocks! They recently released a line of dinosaurs that are precious, and of course I love their iconic cactus cat and cinnamon bun bunny.

Jellycat

Jellycat has been around since 1999, so they’re the oldest of these companies. They’ve got great designs, a ton of variety, and a lot of their plushies are made to be cuddled on and not just displayed. All three of my tiny nephews sleep with a different stuffed dog from Jellycat. My mom has a sun and several succulents that she uses as decorations. There’s a little something for everyone who enjoys plushies!

If you have any other favorite companies I haven’t mentioned, feel free to add on! I’ve enjoyed Squishmallows for a while now and I’m sad to see their leadership coming out on the side that’s committing war crimes on a daily basis, but this is a good time to discover new favorite plushie companies! And remember, money speaks loudly. Even if BDS hasn’t called for a boycott of Jazwares, it sends a message when sales start dropping for companies that support genocide. It’s a small thing, but the little things we do can add up!

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The Progressed Chart: When Retrograde Planets Turn Direct and Vice-Versa

The year retrograde planets go direct or retrograde can signal a major change in the way that planet manifested had previously manifested in life. If you have Mercury, Venus, or Mars retrograde in your chart, this will very likely happen sometime during your life. The easiest way to tell if a planet will go retrograde or direct in your lifetime is to check an ephemeris for the year you were born. Look for the day planets go direct or retrograde, and count down from the day you were born. Every day represents a year. So if Mercury went retrograde two weeks after your birth, the effect would happen at age 14. 

Mercury: The year Mercury goes direct can signal a time when prior work culminates into action. Changing residence and location is imminent. The year Mercury goes retrograde, sudden shifts in perspectives or mental interests can suddenly take over. Siblings become a key influence somehow during the year. 

Venus: The year Venus turns direct signals a move toward improved happiness and an improved self-image. Love-affairs are feel no longer essential to feelings of self-worth. Unhealthy friendships fall away and healthier ones take root. When Venus turns retrograde this can result in choosing unhealthy partners or friends who have malicious intent. Love and affection are in scarce supply and there is the danger of taking on a partner who brings heavy burdens into their life. A retrograde Venus reveals surfaces issues of self-worth in relationships of all kinds.  Mars: The year Mars turns direct can shift emphasis onto achieving a personal goal. Attitudes about the opposite sex turn more positive, and an interest in sports and physical activity can take shape where there once wasn’t much of an interest. The year Mars turns retrograde can result in accidents or injury when it happens. Sexuality and self-esteem can take a hit. The chances of becoming a victim of assault is more likely that year. Set-backs bring into focus neglected aspects of life that Mars previously overshadowed.  Jupiter: A long time in coming, previous years will have led up to the year Jupiter turns direct, and there is a feeling of the spiritual life and endeavors coming together and suddenly making sense. Travel, education, children, and business expansion are set into motion. When Jupiter goes retrograde in the progressed chart, distant relatives can pass away and legal disputes may arise. There is an over-optimism which clouds judgement, and resources that were once thought to be available can suddenly disappear. This is a period of realistic assessment and re-evaluation of true wealth.

Saturn: Retrograde Saturn at birth indicates a parental figure or other ruling institution that was overly harsh and judgmental. Saturn turning direct during a lifetime indicates great ambition on the part of the native to over-write early conditioning. If Saturn turns retrograde it can indicate the loss of a parent, a serious illness, or other draining hardship. In work, achievements are rarely recognized and others seem to work far less for greater recognition. Setbacks emphasize areas of life worth putting Saturnian effort into.

Uranus: The year Uranus turns direct can bring about a renewed sense of freedom. New opportunities for study, work, institutional belonging arise without interference from family and relationships. New friends and interests in science and technology can take hold. When Uranus officially turns retrograde in a progressed chart, a loss of freedom takes hold, and the native feels it is necessary to change some aspect of themselves to meet the needs of their situation. Relocation is likely, and crazy situations, events, and people are set to enter the native’s life for the foreseeable future. Inner peace and serenity is sought as off-the-wall situations become commonplace. 

Neptune: The year Neptune turns direct indicates a period where the native feels that boundaries must be drawn. Years of feeling unfairly taken advantage of and used are addressed in these interactions. A substitute parent or sibling enters the scene and a life of clandestine relationships and hidden intrigue are routinely encountered in the native’s life. Neptune turning retrograde in the progressed chart indicates hospital visits and confinement, the need to rescue the sick, addicted, or disabled, and periods of exploitation. Neptunian chaos and deception emphasizes the need to take care of oneself first before sacrificing their well-being to “save” others.

Pluto: Jeff Green describes Pluto as the wound of the patriarchy – a wound we all carry and suffer through. For those born with Pluto retrograde and are one of the few to have the planet turn direct during their time on earth, it can indicate a time of restructuring, a reconsideration of personal values, and a change in vocation. Pluto turning direct in the progressed chart is undoubtedly a turning-point in life. Pluto turning retrograde brings the intensity of death and finality into view. Change is inevitable and unwanted. The sins of the father – of unchecked power – can leave the native victimized through assault or disempowerment through loss and transformation. Pluto always signals a time of rebirth.

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New boycott targets called for by the BDS movement. More info on why on their website.

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In the olden days they did things so sensibly. Page 8 of The Liverpool Daily Post, 29 March 1937

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My latest cartoon for New Scientist