muhammadaaden-blog

[muhammadaaden-blog]

Updating In Progress

Hey! You must be wondering where did I go after my post months ago. Don't worry, everything is fine. 

Great news! I cleared my internship after 5 months of complaining non stop. It was sad to go as I will not be able to see all my friends however it is nice that I am no longer working so I do not have to wake up every single morning at 7am just to get ready for work. The best part was that my last day falls on the eve of Chinese New Year! I got my friends to wear stripes to work and they did! 

Last day was an emotional roller coaster ride for me. I got gifts, I got hugs and most importantly I got to show my appreciation to the company. Honestly, I have grown way beyond my expectations. To be honest, I am not ready for working life. I am so thankful I still have to obtain my degree after NS. 

Speaking about NS, well I am excited and scared at the same time. I am excited because that is the time I will be able to keep myself healthy and scared as I do not know what to expect. I do want to create a new life in NS but will people accept me for the change? Let's put this aside. All of you must be wondering what am I up to now since I am not working and schooling. 

I started to workout! I joined Fitness First about two weeks ago and I have been going ever since. I am pretty happy that I am losing weight however, it is taking too long. I need to get my target weight before enlisting. Why Fitness First? Fitness First is the best gym that I have ever encounter before. Not only that, I hired a Personal Trainer for 5 sessions. Guess what is his name? 

It is Aaron! Omg why? I do miss my cute Aaron but whatever. When I first met him, he seems like a nice guy. He taught me all the proper techniques and never fail to motivate me. It is nice to have a personal trainer on a full time basis but sadly I do not have the financial capabilities to do it. I was so badly affected that I could not hire him full time. He is really cute! It really breaks my heart. People say when you're down/sad/confuse always pray to Allah and he shall answer you. Am I even ready for it? Am I ready to ask him for help even though I have not be a good Muslim? 

I am so confused right now. What am I going to do? Could this be a sign that I might have a crush on my trainer? I do hope I could be friends with him. Well let's leave it to God to decide what's best for me. 

It's been a long time since I was in a relationship. Was I ever in a relationship? Well only god knows. To be honest, I feel so lonely. I just wish I can meet someone that I like and he likes me back. Everything will be just fine. Will I be able to meet my soulmate in NS? Hmm I do hope so. 

HAHA. I shall end my writing here. Will try to update pictures of my workout progression and I do hope it is working out for me! 

[muhammadaaden-blog]

How it all started?

I have been wanting to start a personal blog for a long time. However, I did not have the courage to face the reality when I am blogging about my life. 2017 was an eye opener for me. I made a huge mistake, I lost my friends and it was a wake up call year for me. I do hope this blogging thing is going to help me channel my emotions properly. 

2017 was an emotional roller coaster. It was something that I never would have imagine myself into. I started 2017 on a good start. Partying with my friends on a weekly basis. Friends whom I thought were my true friends. Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday without fail. This enjoyment that I am having lasted awhile. In early February,  I did something bad. It started pretty well got my name in a club, made a few friends with the Club Managers and I was known by people. From February to March, I was enjoying my nightlife with the expense of other people. However by the middle of March, I got caught and that is when my life started to take on a different direction. I got called to one of the Police HQ, and I was detained for a few hours till my mum came to bail me out. When I was in the holding cell, I was asking myself “What did I do?”. It was the first time I shed a tear. I was scared. Nobody knew I was there. 

I was delighted when I saw my mum face but at that moment, I knew I had disappointed her again. It is not the first time, it's been numerous times. I did not know what to tell her. I wanted to hug her and say thank you but I can’t. Before they let me out, I was given a task to be completed. I knew that when I return back to school, everyone will not look at me the same way. My guess was right. Majority of my friends treated me like a criminal. They even talked to me like one. I was so devastated by this. 

During this time, drinking and partying was my top priority. I drink to forget my problems, I party to stay away from my problems. Drinking used to be my solution to everything. Drinking makes me happy, drinking lights up my world. I am really thankful to have Ciara as my close friend. I will never forget your actions during this period. You were the one who helped me settle a small portion of the problem. I do not know what will happened to me if you were not around. “Woah now feel like ahbeng already? Come out from lock up.” Remember this sentence? Even though it sounded offensive but you made me smile a little. I do really hope, you could spend a little bit more time with me and love me with all your heart. 

Depression, something that I never thought would be significant to me. I lost a huge number of friends, waiting for my sentencing date and I was clueless of the future. I was at the verge of committing suicide because my future was so blurry that I did not even get a grasp of it. However, the sacrifices that Aaron made has opened my eyes to see the world differently. There is no amount of thank you that I can say to him. I am really blessed to have you Aaron.

Well only God knows why I like him all this years. Let’s talk about my love life for a second. Aaron was my ideal guy. Aaron was my everything but it did not seem that way to him. I don’t fault him for that. You can’t change a person. But I am really happy that he still loves me for who I am. Come on, I was so crazy about you. Everything was about you. Well.... move on yeah. I do hope I can find someone like Aaron. I do feel bad for ignoring you one time (Nando’s). It was because I wanted to hug you badly but there was no room for opportunity. Ok enough. Short and sweet. 

So in May, I had to report to Court for my sentencing. It was the first time I felt so scared that I was praying hard (I am not religious still ....) that God would give me a chance. I was looking at my mum and I knew she was worried. My name was called, went to the front and the Judge was nice. She decided to give me another chance and placed me on Probation for 21 months. When I heard 21 months, I was like WTF? but at the same time I was thankful. 

Met my appointed Probation Officer, Sharon. She is a very nice lady. She respect and give me a chance to correct my wrongdoings. So I was given a 4 months tagging and that was the time my inner ahbeng decided to shine brightly. 

When I was in my tagging, I was also celebrating my 21st Birthday @ HOME! Well a Halal party for a change. Speaking about home, the word Family comes to play. Without my family, I will not be standing in the picture. They could have left me to rot in jail but they did not. They sacrifice themselves to make sure that I am out safely. If anything happen to me, they could face jail time. I am really sorry. I know that I never say it out loud but I do mean it this time. How sure can I be, well Lock Up sure. Lock Up was the waking call. So once again, I am sorry. 

Where’s daddy? Well he is rotting in hell waiting for his death. I am not going to talk about him because he does not exist in my life anymore. He is out for good. 

Final Year Project. Haha what a mockery I am making out of it. My FYP team is not even a team. Even after FYP presentation, I am taking photos with another group. What is this even? To be honest, I do not have a close friend except Ciara and Lyana. Well we talk about below. So FYP was shit but pretty satisfied with my grade and fuck my FYP team. 

Ciara and Lyana? I do not have a photo of me and Lyana, and I am obsess with Aaron. So I will post Aaron photo. Hehe! Ciara is like on a few of my photos and that should be sufficient. 

It is sad how my relationship with Lyana turn out to be. We were so close last time. We used to share everything. When I am crying in the middle of the night, I will call you. When I want to share good news, I will call you. It is different now and I do not know why. Remember how we used to skip lessons, eat during fasting month and share all our dirty little secrets? I have no one to do that anymore. I seriously have no one else. 

How we met? Do you remember how we met? It was from Joel. The first time we met and we spend like 2 hours plus outside Mac Donald’s Causeway Point sharing with one another about our lives. I just can’t accept how we are now. Omg how did it happened? How? You were there when I hurt myself (btw, I want my pink penknife back thanks!), you were there when I was starving myself to lose weight (well i turn out to be skinny) but it is all gone now. 

I do not know how to show you that you really meant a lot to me. I just don’t. I am really sorry for making you cry all the time. You know I will always be there for you. Remember when you need someone to come over because you were heartbroken? I was fighting with my mum because she was angry that I did not go home and I have school the following day but I did not tell you as I want you to know that I will be there for you. 

Alright enough of this. 

2017 passed by in a flash. It is 2018 now and I am nearing to the end of my Internship. Well there is nothing for me to talk about for Internship because it is boring. On a bright side, 15 months left to my Probation and it is time to Party again! This time I will Party Smart. 

To Jason, Bella and Alex, thank you for being there as a friend. Always checking on me and not forgetting that I still exist. It marks our one year of friendship. I was shocked that you all stayed. Thank you! Three of you are like my close friends that I want to keep for the rest of my life. 

I will make a habit of posting weekly to keep my emotions stable. To all the people that were mentioned in this post, I am blessed to have all of you as my friends.