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[multipersonalty]

Fourth

I binged...she took over me again

[multipersonalty]

Third

Okay so I found out this thing called mindful eating. Mindful eating is a form of meditation and this is something I should definitely practice since I am struggling with binge eating and purging. 

Today was a really tough day for me. Not sure if it was because one of my alters took over. I felt like I was really really trying. But for some reason..it was hard for me to be happy. I felt like the whole world was against me for some reason. This is when I kinda know that one of my alters took over my body because I am not usually like like. I felt like I had to go an extra mile to be kind to others. I felt like I was always on edge about to burst and explode. My roommate is currently obnoxiously laughing out loud in the other room and it is really distracting. Butt writing this right now is kinda helping me to zone her out so that’s good. okay back to mindful eating. I was reading about this during work, which really helped me throughout the day. It was something I was looking forward to because mindful eating is a very very important part of my self love and self care journey (since I struggle to the extreme with my eating disorder) I really feel like I have zero control.

Confession time. I binged and purged last night. It started off with a bowl of salad...and then another...and then lots of hot chocolate and a whole bag of rice cakes and more hot chocolate and then I felt guilty so I was like...lets just eat alot and throw everything up later. At that moment, she took over. The binge and purge person took over my body. It doesn’t take much for her to take over. Not too sure who she is but she is very impulsive and manipulative. Maybe she is the reason why I had such a bad day at work today. Maybe she is the one who takes over my body and makes me feel like the devil. It was really hard for me to concentrate and be my cheer, bubbly self today. Was it because I binged last night? Not too sure. 

My manager texted me at 6:30am this morning, telling me to go to work early and that gave me a heart attack lol I feel like whenever I get into these anxiety provoking situations, she takes over my body. And its like a very difficult battle to try to suppress her. She is driven by fear and because of that, she has to put on this defensive persona. Probably just a defense mechanism but it turns me into a satanic bitch lol Anyways back to this morning. So i was like around 15 minutes late lol got my coffee, wait, correction, got my almond milk tea and then I went...my roomate just came out lol she was like heyyyy and i gave her a cold hey LOL oh nooo is she taking over my body right now? ughhhh...the triggers. maybe I just really really need my alone time. It’s hard having my alone time now that I am living with my boss’s daughter but this is my, what I like to call “Spiritual Buddhism journey.” Some people go to areas with monks, give up everything, shave their heads and meditate for hours...well this is my version of that lol. This will teach me how to calm myself, this will teach me and force me to have self growth. This will teach me patience and how to just be a better human being for myself and for others. Ugh it really bothers me how my roomate is pooping literally right next to me while I am having my dinner. What does it take to just have some alone time haha. 

So anyways, back to my manager story. He told me to sit down in his desk and basically said I have to be earlier and on time for work for now on. Kinda funny cause I was early (or on time) during some days but all my co workers were late and I had to wait for them to let me in. But ever since I moved, I have been pretty late and one of my other (meaner) manager complained why only my nice manager was in the office while everyone else was not. I guess this is a group effort. But this year is about my personal improvement and self growth so from now on I will be early or on time at the very least. Low key excited to make my nice manager proud. I low key got his back and in a way, in a very weird unexplainable hidden way, I can see that he has my back too cause he feels sorry for me lol I feel like he feels bad that I am living with the boss’s daughter but he doesn’t understand that this is my journey for self improvement.

It has been hard not gonna lie. Really hard. I think I added a bit too much hot sauce in my salad but whateves lol i love spicy now. Anyways, I feel like “she” can take over my body so easily and at any given time with the right triggers. And let me tell yah, I have a lot of triggers LOL God I wish my roommate can just get out of the bathroom already. I just want to be alone with my salad. ugh. anyways i want to make myself a schedule. A set schedule to follow that will improve my overall well being, mental, physical, spiritual, financial, interpersonal relationships. All these aspects are connected with one and another. If i am doing bad in one of these aspects, it will be a domino effect. Knowing me, the domino effect will come easy for someone like me. Probs cause I have OCD and I always imagine the worst case scenario. When one bad thing happens, I already assume it is the end of the world. Which explains that if I eat one chocolate, I might as well eat the entire snack cabinet cause I think I will get fat and I might as well binge and purge. Okay, I kinda see my cycle from yesterday. Gonna try my best to have more self control today.

Wow, my roommate just flushed lol Low key kinda losing my appetite. Hope she felt my energy lol My please leave me alone energy. I send off really strong ass vibes to people. I really wanna pee and use the bathroom but I might give it some time for the air to clear out. I just downed so many cups of water and I really gotta pee. This is so I don’t overeat. But now I gotta pee and wait until the stinky air in the bathroom clears out. 

I am sweating right now haha. Most likely because of the hot sauce. I added way too much. Should I make some brown sugar oatmeal afterwards for dessert? I kinda wanna but also don’t cause I don’t want to go down the overeating spiral. Hmm I was planning on doing some cardio afterwards but if I do make the oatmeal...maybe I can give it an extra hour before I do the 45 minutes cardio. Food is life and so is exercise. And on the days I don’t exercise, you can assume I binged and purged. 

Oh god I am counting my calories right now. I ate 3 bananas, 3 oranges and not even gonna count my coffees and milk teas. But the numbers adding up is scaring me and I wanna binge and purge tonight. I feel like it’s a never ending cycle. I always say this will be the last day but then i repeat. Ok imma pee, maybe peeing will help? o

Okay I am back and yes it helped a bit. Gonna watch a youtube video and maybe i might make an oatmeal and have some rice cakes. 

[multipersonalty]

Second

At work right now. Just self diagnosed myself with high functioning anxiety. LOL another one added to the list. Basically, I seem perfectly fine and positive on the outside, butt dying on the inside. Pretty accurate description of how I’ve been feeling all my life. Okay gonna keep this one short.

Ways to Cope (will add more)

-> Find trustworthy confidantes 

[multipersonalty]

Daily Routine (for now)

7:15am-7:30am

Wake up/ poop/ get ready

9:00am-9:30am

Go to work/ get coffee, milk teas etc

Try to only eat fruits throughout the day until dinner time

6:00pm-8:00pm

Go home/ get Mediterranean food or make veggies at home/ wait 1 hour until you start doing cardio and lifty lift for as long as you want, until you feel good about yourself.

Alright, this is it for now....subject to change when another one of my alters take over but I’m hoping I will be able to follow this for now so this alter won’t get mad at me if I don’t follow this routine.

[multipersonalty]

First

Welp all the user names were taken so I had to misspell “multipersonalty” To be honest, I don’t entirely dislike it, I’m sure it will slowly grow onto me. Does anyone even use tumblr anymore? LOL I use to be a tumblr addict back in the high school/ early college days but then stopped cause life happened and I was too busy doing what I thought was “living.” I actually wasn’t “living.” I just realized very recently that all my life I was not self aware. I just started becoming self aware and it is scaring the living shit out of me. Each time I go down memory lane and come to terms that I actually went through what I went through, it makes me paranoid as fuck. Considering all that I have gone through and what I needed to do in order to “survive” and “carry on”, it’s pretty understandable and reasonable why I am the way I am as for everyone else in the world. But I can’t help but feel like all my life, I have been disassociating myself in order to get through the day. Is this why I feel like I’m fake and not genuine? I don’t mean any harm to anyone but I always feel like I have to hide who I really am and not show how I really feel.

As you can see from the title, I am living with multiple personalities and it is ruining my life? Well, I guess not really cause I feel like I actually need all my personalities to survive this crazy life I’m living in. Might be a defensive mechanism but who knows right? I chose not to get professional help because I don’t want to waste my money on something I can do on my own. All it takes is time, patience, and a whole lot of effort. Each one of me plays a crucial part but I can honesty do without the OCD and Binge Eater. These 2 takes a toll out of me. There is always an internal battle inside my head that drains me physically and mentally. Just gotta find new ways to shut them the fuck up when they are interfering with my life. Anyways I chose to start writing in tumblr and not reddit because I am not ready to share this with the world yet, even though I know that others might be going through the same thing I’m going through and reading this might help them or make them feel less alone. This is for me. I want to write without filter. Maybe I will post this to wider audience when the time comes. Who knows. I feel like I’ve been going through so much and if I don’t atleast write this down somewhere, all my experience will be a lost cause. Hopefully, the right ones will stumble across this by accident.

Started of 2021 to an okay start I would say. Okay is an understatement. I am actually trying my hardest, giving my best shot. Decided to take a leap and impulsively agree to move out of my house because I am in desperate needs of a new life. I agreed to moving in with my boss’s daughter without even thinking twice. That is how desperate I was. Here is why. For the past 3 years, I’ve been living with an eating disorder, multiperesonality disorder, DID, OCD and who knows what else is wrong with me. Everyday for the past 3 years, I’ve been binging and purging. Not a day goes by without my throwing up. I don’t want to blame it on my cheating ex because at the end of the day, we are accountable for out own actions. But long story short, near the beginning of our relationship, my ex heated on me with a prostitute during his trip to Amsterdam and the rest was history. I was a naive college grad who was not self aware at the time and that cheating incident literally ruined me. I sunk to rock bottom, zero self esteem, zero ambition, zero motivation, zero everything. I had nothing. My main goal was just to be happy with my ex but I was waiting for it to magically happen. Did not know how much effort and hard work it took. So I stayed and lived with him for a few years and did nothing but drink and purge my life away everyday. I was always on edge everyday cause I was reminded by what he did. I just did not know what to do or how to get better. I was a rock bottom and eventually, let my demons take over. I ended up cheating on him at the end and that was my rock bottom. We broke up cause his ego could not let himself forgive me but we did not end on an entirely bad note. We did say we were both at fault and we did both apologize. We broke up at the end of 2019 before the pandemic hit and boy was that a big foreshadow in my life lol. I was still binging and purging and drinking everyday for about 1 more year until end of December 2019 and this was when I decided to move out of my old house because a part of me inside really needed a change in environment. I would still be stuck doing the same old unhealthy habits that would’ve driven me to my own death if I stayed there.

So here I am. In a new apartment, in a less nice neighborhood, living with my boss’s daughter. Most of you would say this is stupid and a bad idea. Trust me, this move is what will make me stronger and what will push me in the right direction in life. So far, I have been playing the bigger person, cleaning up after us both, choosing the shittier room with a broken window and door knob, making phone calls, paying bills, etc. But of course, she did help me with other tings as well. It’s just that I did not move to live lavishly. I did this for self improvement and self growth. There are times when i want to go back and just binge away, but I know that is stepping backwards in life. So far, after the move, I only binged and purged once. I am very proud of myself. I have been keeping up with a daily work out and strict diet. Ofcourse, the binger inside me is making it very hard for me to stay on this restrictive diet. But I am gonna have to learn how to overcome this. This post was just a ranting post cause I want to get some thoughts written down so atleast I have something to share in case I die. I want atleast someone to know about my story. I will make a schedule to follow after this post so I can hold myself accountable.

P.S. the photo included is the first meal I actually ate and not purged. Was a small (or big I guess) turning point in my life.