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HEAVILY giving me flashbacks of Goosebumps Book covers.

MIDNIGHT. WATCH.

By Rachid Lotf

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Usually up til 430 am, Wishing I had went to bed 3 hours before, wake up and its early in the afternoon. Even my bf cant sleep just yet and has work in the morning, can you say, insomnia. 

PROJECTEUR. INSOMNIA.

Coverart by Jawad Mataame

Music by @projecteurmusic

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yes pls, I would love to drive around , playing some tame impala and talk about my problems ,just to say fuck it and do something crazy with who ever Im with. 

DREAMWAY. TO. NOSTALGIA.

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This reminded me of the one time I did laundry in Yonkers. 

WASHROOM. VIBES.

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DELOREAN. POWER.

By da_schlechti

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F e e l i n g S o U n r e a l

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Forever love Rob zombie movies

House of 1000 Corpses (Rob Zombie, 2003)

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big yes

House of 1000 corpse

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Random

So I havent been on here for a few days, you can guess that I had failed doing a diary everyday but I knew that would happen, but I will continue no matter what. Today I have a few ideas in my head for my art projects that I start but barely finish, 1 reason is because I will have a vision of something that would look amazing, but I always forget due to my VERY short attention span. Therefore it takes forever to finish anything I start. I understand that for people like me, writing things down when they are freshly in my mind is the best way to  continue on bettering my imagination. For people like me it can become very challenging to keep my thoughts in order and have them with me for hours on end. So I NEED to jot these down !!!

SEAHORSE

... I ALREADY FORGOT BC I WROTE THIS YESTERDAY , STOPPED AND DID OTHER THINGS AND NOW IM BACK ON! You see what I mean!!

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3:09 a.m (est) 7-8-20

So JUST now, I was watching a T.V show called “Toys that made us” which actually inspired me to never stop dreaming. Althought the sales of toys have dramaticllly declined,the passion and creativity behind these toys is what makes them LEGENDARY. There are toys that will be forever KNOWN. Imagine creating something that never dies , making history as well. Amazing, truly inspiring. Now with that being said, decided to write down some of my thoughts before going to bed. Before logging in, the wifi randomly had cut off, cutting off the show I had been watching, and decided it was a sign to get on the laptop instead. I get on it, but to my “surprise” NO WIFI. I then ask my bf whos been sitting on the couch playing with his new switch for a few hours, pretty much since I got home from work Ive seen him sitting there and still is, IF he can please check the router. Anything the requires some brain power , is too much for him!!! I over loooked it for so many years, now its starting to bite me in the ass. He then gets up to check the wires, and ask if I had pay. I said no but its not due yet. Also even if it was overdue they dont CUT everything off until way after. ANYWHO, I use my hotspot so that I can check, and its not due until the 15th, SO AGAIN, i ask him to check the wires, because there were clear instructions on the screen about what might be wrong and it wasnt the WIFI it was the router itself. So we had internet , just wasn’t properly transmitted. So after asking him to check the router, he quickly starts complaining about the mess the last cable guy made, complaining how he cant turn it on and, giving me an attitude and a tone because he just can’t, doing the bare min, literally TOUCHED 1 wire and gave up, saying he feels better if someone else disconnects the wire to check, as he goes back on the couch, THEN complains how we HAVE To call them and give them a piece of our mind since we are paying customers. Funny thing is , when we says “we”, he means ME. He would never actually get on the phone and explain to a company his fustrations. It would be me, while hes most likely sitting on the couch playing video games or REALLY mad sitting on the couch not playing video games, because of the wifi. What bothers me most is the lack of responsiblity he takes on. Also like he wants to avoid all grown men responsiblities, its become the biggest turn-off and been thinking of ways to have real conversation with him without him getting butt hurt because he is very sensitive, also he plays victim and I cant let him do that. He is not a victim at all , in anyway, but the second i confront him about something he is trying to avoid, he plays victim. Im so tired of being the one that has to constantly asses every situation were ever in. Hes the man for goodness sake. In reality he’s a beta and I’m in alpha. which makes this kinda hard. Previous relationship , we were both alphas and as much as we did bump heads, we also agreed on a lot and learned things together as the are new to us. Other times, we both take the lead in situations and it was like working with 2 heads rather than 1. Now it feels like just 1 head with 2 people. And like they always say, 2 heads are BETTER than 1. I just feel so lost, because I’m so use to have a Man that can handle business without me, who uses their OWN judgement, I don’t even want to talk down on him, but as time goes on and were not doing anything for ourselves,I start to feel this hole, void, in my heart, something is missing, something is wrong. Why is he such a good person with a great heart but lacks what makes a person resilent. For years he has lied to everyone about having his license. Why ? Im not sure, not that I lived with him for a over a year, I know why, hes scared of real life responsiblities that he would have to handle himself because no one else will. No health insurance, even tho its free now in days, because thats just another responiblity he does not want or care to have, Even for his own health. UNLESS I push him, which I have brought up so many times, but I can not do it for him.Then his license, I have asked him to get it and he said okay, never did, asked him again, said he will do it, does it and forgets the date, then he says he will make a new date, havent heard anything about. I dont know how much more I need to annoy him about ?! Since I’ve met him  Im the ONLY driver, driving us everywhere. Any place, its me. Since 2016, its 2020. Not sure whats stopping him, He also brags a lot about the money he makes and he saves it, buys some toys for himself, and takes me out on dinner dates. Which I apprecaite so much of course, but I wish he would do more for himself. Hes just so scared of life I believe, I could be wrong, but thats all he seems to prove since Ive met him! Very sensitive and he likes attention. NEVER noticed that until a FEW people brought that up and I do see that very clearly now. Its hard to have a partner who only values what he says and disregard me. I can let him talk and I go along with it, he on the other hand, cant wait for me to stop talking and he never gives any kinda feedback because he wasnt really listening. Im getting pretty tired of it. Im starting to think I may have made the wrong decision. Whenever something is wrong its like I need to be the leader of the problem and fix it myself, and I think he thinks I like the idea of being the head bitch in charge but in reality its exhausting and just one sided. I have never seen him actually take control of a critical situation without my help. I always end up being the one to finalize everything, as if he HAS to go thru me. Which I do appreciate but it just also feels like he does it to hand me down the rest of the solution. Like NO! Once in a while would be nice if he did things that turn out fine, all alone. NEVER happens. I know of everything and mostly fix it myself.Even THINGS, Hes not hands on so things that would need a quick fix, something my dad would fix easily, john would have a total meltdown and give up fast as fuck. I thought having a person this gentel would be good for my soul but I think its the opposite. Since the day that we rekindle our friendship 2 years ago,I started using hard drugs, LITERALLY the day after we hung out at a show we were both at. I havent been okay since dec 2018 and i though dating him would make me feel better and help fix that void in me, so far, nothing.... I can see I’m stringing this relationship along and Im not sure if I should continue.I have very high hopes with living an amazing life with him, I always saw it in him , that WE would be perfect for each other. I think I based a book by its cover and the first two pages and ran with it. Without reading the whole book, and its not turning out so much as what I thought we would be. He quickly became like a grandpa once we started to date, and then telling me he didnt like when i went out, it was just so shocking considering that we , him, I and all my friends would go all the time, he loved he things I loved to do too, so wtf ?! He almost changed into a person I didnt want to date, the second we started to date. So confusing and almost decieved. Almost he faked how chill he was to get closer to me, It wasnt until a year ish later that I realized , I have been seeing only 1 side of him, the side he wanted me to see, and I loved it, and then the real him I didnt Know and frankly Im not sure if I really like. He loves me so fucking much, but I dont feel fulfilled. Something feels very off, I am missing something and I truly dont know what it is. I hope that we can help each other grow whether alone or together, I just want to know what I wanna do with my life and I need more motivation than what Im getting right now. I feel like im slowing my life down and going no where. I dont like it and I dont want this going on any longer.I NEED to find my way!!!! I hope hes there either as my bf or my friend and we work things out. wish me luck in whatever  I choose to do. THNXX  

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Meditation

So for my next to self growth, I will start to learn how to really meditate. I say really, because I have tried meditating before , small baby steps but I did it, however I did not continue, the worst part of that is that I was actually starting to feel a difference in my self. Now I will push myself to do it, I know I need it. My mind has taken over the last two years, I also helped ruin myself by using self destructive copinism. Which I will get to in later post, but for right now I would like to focus on the more positive notes. For me to better myself I truly have to change my lifestyle, my thoughts, my mind, body and soul. Truly feel very prepared for it. There’s more to life, I just know it !! I feel it in my bones that I should be doing something, locking myself in my apartment and feeling sorry for myself and doing absolutely nothing about has gotten me nowhere, just feeling of regret letting my days go by while I scroll down my news feed reading pointless shit that doesn’t help my life one bit, but I believe its the distraction that I’m pursuing. What I’ve noticed, is that, I tend to put my phone down to be present, for a few minutes that I am not distracting myself, I start getting into my thoughts, think about everything that I SHOULD be doing but I’m not, I’m watching tv sitting in my living room,I then start to panic and my anxiety starts to rise immediately. What happens after that? I pick up my phone right away. It’s almost like a drug you can not get enough of, so I’m starting to believe I’m in fact addicted to social media. Its the same shit on every App, I honestly have no idea why I do it. So here I am changing it and instead of BLOCKING my thoughts and using useless shit to fill my mind. I want to start placing my thoughts somewhere, where no one will judge me, where no one knows who I am, where no matter whos reading , I will not stop writing and expressing myself. To learn more and be a better human is what I’m striving for. 

I know this will not be easy but its a start right? We all need to start somewhere, I know if I dont start now , I will hate waking up everyday I keep wasting the day before. 

I need to start being happy waking up and peaceful to go to sleep and end my day right. I need a lot of help , I’m so scared to ask for it and the handful of people that care about , only a fraction actually understand me. So it’s very hard to have someone to talk to, when I have so MUCH to say, and so MUCH to get judged for I never open my mouth. 

Last time I spoke to someone about everything in my life , it felt so fucking liberating and I actually was on cloud 9 for a few weeks. After that I crashed again , and it was more my fault than anything else. Sometimes my negetaive thoughts get the best of me and let my depression take over, this time it did not happen , in fact I was still on cloud 9 but made a horrible decision that brought me down hill a bit. I plan on getting back on that nimbus. I’m looking to find that peace again. It was not long ago , so I know I will be able to find it. 

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First day on tumblr writing about my day and my thoughts. 

Althought its the beginning of the day, I want to start off by doing something in my day that I never do. which is take time out of my day and do something creative for myself. A new hobby perse, instead of scrolling aimlessly on facebook and instagram. I have acknowledge that I am in fact addicted to social media. I don’t even post personal stuff, but I spend so much fucking time scrolling on my phone because I’m bored, I do have hobbies but I have zero motivation to finish what I start. I paint and I draw. I start of paintings , have a mental block , cant find it in me to figure out excatly what Im missing so I go on my phone for inspo, I end up being stuck on it for hours. My boyfriend plays video games for those same hours, as I see this as a pattern we both have and habits that are hard to break, I decided to start off small and something different. Hopefully I can keep up with this. I really want to. This is already starting to feel freeing , I feel like I can finally let out everything inside of me without repercussions. Well Watching a movie that I LOVE called someone great and reminds me of a time in my life. Also inspires me to do something with myself. 

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BASICALLY START OF AN AN0NYM0US DAIRY.