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“Be with someone who will take care of you. Not materialistically, but take care of your soul, your well being, your heart.”

— Unknown

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“Be a good person, but don’t waste time to prove it.”

— Unknown

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Your feelings are valid on too. Special shoutout to all the cycle breakers. 💐

Created with Mother Wound Project

Digital illustration depicting three generations of women with a ribbon linking all of them. The scene includes an elderly Latina woman shrugging, a middle-age Afrolatina woman dodging the ribbon & her daughter cutting the ribbon. Text reads, “pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it” by Stephi Wagner

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06/18/24

Hey there, how are you? As for me, I'm still committed to staying off social media, which surprises me because I haven't even missed it. Baba and I have been enjoying watching movies before bedtime.

I haven't managed to go for a walk in two days. It's been tough to fit it in, especially with my morning routine of preparing breakfast. By the time I finish in the kitchen, the sun is scorching hot.

I wake up late at night and Baba's already calling me for dinner, so finding time for a walk is a challenge. But I'm determined to make it happen—I'll do my best to squeeze it in, that's for sure!

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06/14/2024

Taking life one step at a time, today marked the beginning of a routine I've long envisioned transforming into a habit. Venturing out for a brisk 15-minute walk with my beloved fur baby infused my spirit with a revitalizing energy. Basking in the warm embrace of sunlight, I relished in the replenishing dose of Vitamin D, a luxury often scarce in my nocturnal work hours. With each stride, I embraced the prospect of embedding this ritual into my daily life, hopeful for the commitment it holds. Your encouragement and well wishes are greatly appreciated as I embark on this journey of self-care and mindfulness.

In a bold move, I bid farewell to the perpetual distractions of social media by uninstalling both Facebook and TikTok from my phone. Though a familiar endeavor, the allure of these platforms often pulls me back into their vortex. Yet, this time feels different. With a chuckle at my past futile attempts, I resolve to keep them banished indefinitely. No longer will I squander precious hours lost in the scroll, neglecting the nurturing of positive habits. The profound impact of social media on our self-perception has not escaped me, prompting a shift towards more enriching pursuits, like immersing myself in captivating audiobooks before drifting into slumber.

However, amidst the pursuit of personal growth, life's unpredictability never fails to remind me of its capricious nature. The discomfort of PMS disrupted my tranquility, a sensation long dormant. Yet, amidst the discomfort, love's tender touch prevailed. Baba's thoughtful gesture, fetching pain relief medication, served as a poignant reminder of our unwavering support for one another.

Indeed, we find ourselves navigating through turbulent waters, seemingly on the brink of being engulfed by adversity. Yet, amidst the tempest, we find solace in each other's embrace. Gratitude fills my heart for the journey we traverse together, replete with its trials and triumphs. Each struggle, each triumph, serves to fortify our spirits, sculpting us into resilient souls capable of weathering life's storms.

Adios for now.

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ugh. i need this!

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06/14/2024 || 4:51AM

It's been a while since the last time I posted/wrote an entry. I'm writing right now to release this unexplained feeling inside of me. Anxiety. To be honest, I don't know what triggered this annoying dark hole in me. I guess because of stress?

As I sit in my office, outwardly composed, my mind is in turmoil. Hours spent scrolling through Discord servers, searching for a release, a support group perhaps? Even reaching out to Baba, but he's deep in slumber.

I've recognized the need for a change in my habits. Disconnected from the world, yet feeling the urge to disconnect further to find inner peace. Perhaps daily journaling will provide clarity. I commit to the practice, imperfect as it may be, in hopes of organizing my chaotic thoughts.

Surprisingly, the words flow effortlessly from my fingertips. A stream of consciousness, aimless yet cathartic. Where to begin? Perhaps with the start of my day.

Fresh off a two-day respite, I plunge back into the familiar routine of home-office-repeat. Struggling to maintain attendance, grappling with health issues—primarily mental—that go unacknowledged without a medical certificate. The physical pain of severe migraines, a manifestation of deeper struggles with mental health.

Baba and I navigate a period of significant change. Sharing a home, sharing bills. His career as a seafarer, currently on pause as he waits for a vacancy in his fleet. The burden falls on me, but he is my purpose, my "ikigai."

Yet, I've pushed myself too far. It's time for a new routine, a new approach. I'll step away from social media, embracing new habits like journaling.

For now, that's all. Adios.

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Series of Fcked Up

I messed up so bad lately. Not just once but twice or even beyond-- that I'm aware of. Baba is someone who never tells you that he's offended or hurt, he just shows it to you with his actions, and I'm the kind of person who's carefree and stupid! Urgh! I hate how insensitive I am to other people's feelings. I just say what I want to say without thinking things over. I wish I had glued my mouth shut! I so hate this! Especially when emotions are raging, I lose it and spit something out like a mad person.

I don't know how long Baba can last with this attitude. I can't concentrate on thinking about it. I'm scared. "No one can stand you." I remember my Mom's words and I hate them!

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Chronic suicidal ideation is your brain’s response to having no other coping skills. Your brain is trying to keep you safe with the comfort of knowing you can just opt out of [your problems] life at any point. Equipping yourself with better coping skills, better options, is the only way to combat this defense mechanism.

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“All relationships have one law: never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there.”

— Unknown

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I've been feeling like an outcast lately. Unwanted and something that my family wanted to get rid of. They think of me so badly, as if all I do is hurt people and I do nothing but horrible things.

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Last night was the first time he fell asleep with our Video Call still going. I watched him sleep peacefully. I remember those times when we were in Manda. I would spend hours watching this huge guy sleep.

"What did I do to deserve him?"

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Baba in Busan, South Korea.

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Letter to Baba

Baba,

They say when you are in a relationship, you must cherish every moment and use your time together to get to know each other better. In our case-- well, in my case, it's the other way around. Since you came into my life, you have made me realize many things and, most importantly, about myself.

Before you, I thought so much of myself and less of others. Of course, in terms of feelings. I built too much wall around myself and boundaries that made me lonely. I'm so insensitive to other people's feelings. I'm afraid I only rely on what my intentions are. As long as I know my purpose is not to hurt other people, then I would think that whatever I do or say is just mere facts and don't care what other people's reaction to it.

Last night baba, you face kept on playing in my head. Your innocent and smiling face and my ugly bitchy rude face on the other end of the screen. I melted your smile with my evil remarks and look. I feel so terrible of myself. It broke my heart when you told me you felt so degraded with what I say and look.

I'm so sorry, Baba. I promise to work hard on myself and learn to control my emotions. Especially when I'm upset.

Thank you so much, Baba, for being so honest with me about how you felt. It opened my eyes to reality. I spat too much and sounded so sure, but it was all mine. I reacted too much without thinking you were jealous and sensitive because of lack of sleep. I'm so sorry, Baba.

I love you always and will always strive to continuously improve myself. Thank you so much for the never ending love and patience, Baba.

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I get jealous of what I saw and even feel bad with it. My impulsive and childish side wants to kick in and suggested to do stupid things, but I'm already at the phase in my life that I'm getting old and tired to give a fuck about it.

Yes, I'm in pain, but it's not enough to fuel me to do irrational things. I'm way past my rebellious years and tired of it. So, I simply choose to give in and let go.

I know to myself I would never do things that I know would hurt him or even make him feel uncomfortable.. but also, it doesn't mean that he'd do the same. So I might lessen my expectations and give less fck about it.

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One of the best lessons you can master in life is to master how to remain calm.

Unknown