mvryyy - Tumblr blog

[mvryyy]

[mvryyy]

[mvryyy]

when ur parents start talkin shit about ur personality

[mvryyy]

I’m literally doing my best but I’m not gonna beg anyone to understand that

[mvryyy]

[mvryyy]

[mvryyy]

29 January 2020

I’m at home with my siblings and basically I’m the only adult, hence the one in charge of EVERYTHING, including cooking. My dad told me to cook hotdog for lunch, and before I could even protest, he said “Kaya mo yan. Iffry mo lang yan.” and then left. So I did what I had to do: I went on Youtube to watch a tutorial. Silly as it may sound, I was able to do it, and to immortalize my first hotdog experience, I made a short clip. I’m not sure if it’s pity or whatsoever, but my brothers said my hotdogs tasted good.

After they ate lunch, I went to sleep cos I wasn’t really feeling well. I was hoping to wake up feeling better, but I didn’t. My body aches - every part of it, my head felt like it was being drilled or something, my throat hurt like hell especially every time I swallow, and my fever was high. As the only adult, I had no choice but to take care of myself, which kinda sucks.

[mvryyy]

“Every sunset is an opportunity to reset.”

[mvryyy]

Get in loser we’re healing from past trauma and changing our negative coping mechanisms 🤍

Honestly speaking, my recent breakup brought out the worst in me. It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore. If people knew what I was up to, or lack thereof, they’d probably say “that’s not the Tonee I know” and it’s true. I was at my lowest point, and I didn’t even think I could ever recover.

Fortunately, I was surrounded by a reliable support system who constantly assured me that everything will be okay. They help me get back on my feet. I’m also thankful to be at the receiving end of some unsolicited pieces of advice from my family members, I guess I needed that kind of wisdom.

I’ve also decided to take a social media detox. Deactivated my facebook, instagram, and twitter. Although it’s weird to not be on top of everything, it’s nice to get away from the drama and toxicity — a breathe of “fresh” air (literally and figuratively). My only problem is WHERE DO I GET MY SUPPLY OF MEMES?!? Thus, I downloaded tumblr and 9GAG. Plus a bunch of games to spare myself from boredom.

I also got in touch with mother nature. Soul searching? Perhaps. I went to breathtaking islands and witnessed lovely views. Right now we’re processing papers for our Schengen visa. Hopefully we get approved. Going to places is a great distraction. Taking a long walk helps put my mind at ease. Being surrounded by different people reminds me that everyone is going through something. We’re all different, and yet the same.

Hobbies? Still trying to push myself, but for now I still can’t find something to distract me well enough. I’m reading again though! Maybe I’ll try scrapbooking, calligraphy, or whatever. Help me HAHAH. I’ve also been cooking, which is nice. I don’t cook, lol, but now I’m learning. The other day I cooked one of my fave dishes: SINAMPALUKAN!!!

Although I’m still not 100% okay, I know I’ll get there. Not now, but soon. Baby steps are better than nothing at all. It’s only been a month. I’m letting myself mourn and feel all kinds of emotions, but this time what I’m not letting myself do is get caught up in it that it paralyzes me. I tend to look at the negative side of things but this time I‘m sure everything has a lesson somewhere in it. 🦋

[mvryyy]

Amazing stalking skills, self. Now look where it got you? This is all your fault and you have no one else to blame but yourself. Also you know damn well it’s never okay to overthink. 

Hayy.. Am I crazy? Am I just putting myself up for another heartache? I’m so confused, I’m gonna die alone.

[mvryyy]

Just when I thought I’m finally okay, I find myself crying out of the blue again. Random moments where he pops right in my head... his face, our memories together, and even the last words he said. It happened to me twice today. It’s been days since I last messaged him. I’ve come to realize how my messages seem to reek of desperation, and that’s something that I don’t want him to see, even though I know I’ve already made a fool out of myself in front of everyone on social media. I wasn’t even consciously thinking about him, but then a mental image of him decides to show up and all the pain comes rushing back to me. Why is it that every time I think to myself that I’m finally doing better than I was before, the universe finds its way to make me realize that I was never really better, I was just great at masking up the pain...

Sometimes I still pray that he’s here, hugging me and telling me that everything will be okay. I know it’s stupid but I can’t help but think that ironic as it may seem, he’s still the only one who could silence my fears. I still miss you, but you’re happy now without me, and that’s something I don’t want to take away from you. I do hope that someday you will realize how much you love me and how much of a mistake it was to leave. Someday when everything is finally in place, I wish there’s still that glimmer of hope for the two of us. I’m not saying it has to be in a romantic way, but maybe as friends? You’ve been a great part of my life and I don’t want that to go to waste.

[mvryyy]

I feel so fucking stupid waiting for something that I know will never come. I’m reeking of desperation. Please, text back. I’m crying. This hurts so much. Mag-reply ka naman, please. ‘Di ko na kaya. I just need you to hold me, hug me, kiss me, and talk to me right now. Please. Please. Please. Please message me. Sasabog na ako. I’ve been crying every day since we broke up. Please, I’m begging you. Communicate with me. Stop ignoring me. I’m desperate. Please.

[mvryyy]

Lost

It’s the middle of the day and I find myself missing you again. Have you eaten? Are you okay at work? Have you been hitting it off with someone else? Do you think of me still? Are you missing me? Is it still me?

Ever since we ended it, I’ve done nothing but mope around. I know it’s wasted time, but I just couldn’t bring myself to get my shit together for now. I’m tired of crying; tired of chasing you. Every time I move one step forward, I always find myself walking two steps back. I often wake up at midnight, sometimes from a dream that includes you, and I cry. I miss waking up next to you, I miss holding you, I miss cuddling with you at night.

Love, please, you’ve always said we’d work things out. This can’t be the end of us. It just hurts so much. I’m always waiting for your calls and messages, hoping they do come. I’m always hoping to see your car parked outside, and I’d come home to the sight of you. Please, my love. Please find your way back to me.

[mvryyy]

Black hole

If there’s one thing I hate most, it’s being surrounded by people and yet feeling as if there’s this gaping hole in my heart. The feeling that the people in your life whom you call your family & friends are apparently still not enough to fill the emptiness that you feel within. Situations like this had me thinking what else do I need to do to fill this void in my life.

It’s as if anywhere I go, I feel like I don’t belong. I feel out of place and unwelcome. It’s one thing to spend time with friends and another to really feel as if you belong. I don’t know. Simply put, all I want is to feel that I really belong; to feel wanted and needed. Behind every fun and amazing hangout with my friends is this sinking feeling I’ve been trying so hard to repress. Maybe I’m overthinking again, maybe I don’t have to be emotional all the time, and maybe I don’t have to create problems that aren’t there in the first place.

[mvryyy]

Surviving 2016: Year of the Extremes

Nineteen years of existence and I must say, 2016 really was (so far) the most challenging of them all. I’d rather not bore anyone at all with a detailed story of how 2016 made me experience the best of both worlds so here is a glimpse of the highlights of my year in photographs and a short description:

January

Angels Walk for Autism - The ASP annually organizes an event wherein its main goal is to spread both awareness and happiness. It was fun seeing people with autism happily dancing with a big smile on their faces. The sweaty atmosphere sure did give off that euphoric vibe.

Intramuros - It’s been a long time since I last visited Intra. I’ve always wanted to come back now that I’m a bit older and more curious with our history. Luckily, my lola, who worked as a tour guide in her younger years, invited me to go there. It’s nice because as we walk, she always has an interesting fact to tell.

February

DLSUST Psych Swap - If you’re unaware, I had a struggle before in choosing what college to attend to. I ended up going to UST. So when the opportunity to become a lassalian for a day knocked, I didn’t hesitate.

Photo credit: Tina Ocampo

Shiela’s birthday bash @ SUN - During this time while all my friends were getting wasted, I was taking photos using my polaroid. Surprise, surprise, hindi pa ako umiinom nung mga time na ‘to. When my friends and I bought alcohol, she had to buy an ice cream and pizza just for me. Ah, the simple joys in life

Project SAWI - I was the mastermind behind this event and it was my first time. This event gave me the opportunity to talk to Ramon Bautista, Joyce Pring, etc. I was so stressed trying to look for speakers. Unfortunately, they all had a jampacked schedule. It’s Valentine’s, duh. Ate Pat Yulo even assigned me to lead the prayer before the event. I was so nervous that time. Good thing I listened intently, little did I know I was about to face the pitfall of my relationship a few days later.

March

Goodbye, walwal virginity - March 02, 2016 was the very first time I let alcohol in my system. It tasted good but it made my head throb. I felt so dizzy as if my whole world was spinning. There were a lot of crying and laughing. I ended up puking on my friend’s bedsheet. I remember waking up from a sleep, asking Jem for a plastic. And while they were all panicking, voila, I already vomited. Bea ended up giving me a bath and Jem ended up washing his bedsheet. I’m not proud of it, but that was a great first walwal story.

Les Misérables - I LOVED IT SO MUCH AND I TRIED TO KEEP MYSELF CALM BUT I COULDN’T CONTAIN IT

Cavite Crew - My friends and I went to my friend’s place at Cavite to walwal (March 18-19). Another memorable one for me. I was crying in the bathroom while staring at my reflection, I puked a lot of times, I played beer pong for the first time, and just like any other walwal session with me, there were a lot of crying and laughing. Thankful for my friends.

April

Serendipity - I got the chance to be someone’s prom date! It felt like highschool all over again. I also made a new friend, Yana.

Jumpyard - The inner child in me was jubilant. Although tiring, jumping everywhere was such a fun and thrilling experiencing.

Kat’s birthday bash - I was shookt. I guess I’ll keep the reason to myself. I’m just gonna leave this here: I never thought I’d survive but I did.

May

Comm Dev at Rizal - I really love attending community development activities. It makes me feel like I’m slowly contributing to the betterment of the country. And kasama ko isa sa mga crush ko dito I can’t.

Spontaneous hangout - “2AM in your car. You pass my street, the memories start.” First time to get out of the house at midnight just to have a mini roadtrip and have deep conversations with someone. We went home at 8AM haha the struggle was real.

Bea’s birthday bash - Another hotel night with my friends. It was fun, I guess. I didn’t drink at all just so I could take embarrassing photos of my friends and use them as a blackmail in the future. I’m kidding. I did drink, though. Ian went to Pasig all the way from Fairview, idk why, but he did. The rest is history.

Baccalaureate Mass - Yay I was a staffer here, lol. The fireworks were the bomb. And after everything, I went to Jollibee to eat late dinner with Yana and Miel. So cute kasi Miel went to QPav to give me food just because. Huhu my heart.

The Big Reveal - I’ve always wanted to go to Barkin Blends. Thanks to Miel for accompanying me. HAHAH after this we went to eat at Buffalo’s then we spent the rest of the afternoon (to night) talking at Sunken Garden. We were both vulnerable, exchanging life stories. That was our first hug (May 30). The next day we went to UPTC for a PsychSoc thingy. We ate at S&R and again, shared life stories. That night he kissed me on the cheek NAKAKALOKA.

June

Double Date - I have no picture of the four of us. Miel, Franclem, Nikki and I went to Gateway to watch Now You See Me 2. While waiting we killed time at Timezone

Girls, girls, girls! - Finally had the long overdue hohol with my bffs.

July

Zoobic Safari - A different kind of family date

sleepHOEver - Fun sleepover with my LOML

Sleeping with the fishies - Had an overnight stay at Hotel H2O + a visit to Manila Ocean Park. I LOVE ADVENTURES LIKE THIS

August

Dorm Buds + BFF4L - First time to live away from home. Best thing is that I’m with my best friend!

Singapore - It’s good to be back.

September

My birthday bash - Along with Kat, Jade, and Abby, Miel surprised me on my birthday too. I actually thought that it was my friends’ plan. I didn’t expect anything from him lol. And he asked me to be his girlfriend.

October

Class Pic - I’ll always be home.

CommDev - Another exciting comm dev activity thanks to Psych Soc!

Photo Credit: KC Dilla

Photo Credit: Angel Dizon

Photo Credit: Angel Dizon

November

PsychSoc team building - SUPER FUN EXPERIENCE!! Sleepover at Rizal. Plus, I made new friends. Amazing bonding experience for everyone.

Photo Credit: Irish Uy

Photo Credit: Angel Dizon

Photo Credit: Irish Uy

Photo Credit: Dave Vergara

Photo Credit: Irish Uy 

Au’tis the Season - Fun experience with the bae. It’s so fun to see the smles on everyone’s faces.

Power dressing - We’re required to wear a corporate attire for the whole day. V nice

December

Mea’s Birthday Bash - Sleepover at Diamond Hotel and walwal sesh at BGC

BatanGang at Tali Beach - V fun semender getaway 

[mvryyy]

Cognizance

Everyone has their own unique little way to cope from a heart-wrenching event. Moving on is not easy - heck, it never was. When I was going through a really bad breakup, my way of coping was to displace the overflowing love and affection that I can no longer give to the person who broke my heart. It was unhealthy, not for the person I displaced all those feelings to, but for me. I started giving and giving and giving until I no longer had anything to give. Worst part is, those feelings weren’t even reciprocated - not even once.

449 days ago I was butt-crazy head over heels in love with my best friend and now we barely even talk. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my saga of unrequited love, it’s that no matter how hard you try to make someone see you in a different light, if their heart already belongs to another, there’s nothing you can do to change that. 

Suppressing your feelings after a devastating breakup is never the answer. It’s better to let those feelings consume you, than to shove it in your unconscious only to have a relapse months after. Let yourself feel. I made a bad decision and repressed those feelings. I exerted all my effort and attention to someone else to forget and look where it got me. Imagine if I hadn’t suppressed my feelings, I would’ve saved myself from another heartache. Guess I had to learn it the hard way.

One of the processes of moving on is acceptance. Accept the fact that he’ll never be yours and just go on with your life. It took me weeks, alcohol, and a couple of harsh real talk from my friends to wake up from my fantasy. Lesson learned.

The right person will come at the right time. Don’t rush it. When it comes, you’ll just know it.