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i don't know how to grieve

many of the closest people in my life have passed away, and I don't know how to grieve.

i have experienced pain and sadness all my life, but the feeling of grief is different.

alam ko lang na malungkot ako, but i don't know how to express it. ibang lungkot pala yung grief. yung pakiramdam na malungkot ka at kailangan mo lang mabuhay kasama yung lungkot na yon, kasi yung taong dahilan ng grief mo ay wala na. tapos, wala ka nang magagawa don kundi tanggapin at live with it.

ang hirap kasi parang sa dami ng sakit at lungkot na napagdaanan ko, yung mawalan pa ng tao sa buhay yung madaling tanggapin para sa akin. which is really frustrating to think about.

bakit naman mas nauna ko pang naranasan yung mga yon, kaysa sa ganitong pagkakataon.

sa totoo lang, nagu-guilty ako kasi alam kong malungkot ako, pero bakit ang dali sakin tanggapin na may mawawala na namang importanteng tao sa buhay ko?

is it because of the pain and sadness I've experienced, or is it because of my support system, or is it just because that's how I think?

i hate adulting.

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i can't stop

thinking about you was the easiest thing to do every day, but it was also the hardest thing to think about.

every day, I hope and wish that you'd ask for me. I lied when I said I didn't want you to ask me, but I always love it.

why do we love drama? why do we love to make ourselves sad and let each other long for our presence?

you make it so hard for us.

i bet you really want a messy, challenging, and noisy path.

i hope we meet someday, where we love the path we chose differently.

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i'm tired. really so tired. but, what's this feeling of i have to be strong and show that i'm not tired

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honestly, my main priority right now is getting my life on track and becoming a better me. i couldn't care less who stays or who goes, this chapter of my life is for me.

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i feel so empty right now and decided to write.

i feel so empty, unfamiliar, and lost. i miss the feeling of comfortabilty, familiarity, and constantly feeling of contentment.

damn, those feelings were so hard to find.

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I think true love is when two people make each other love themselves more.

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whenever i want to let you go and gave up, i always thought about what i did nung pandemic. the time where i really wanted to give up kasi ang dami mong pinakita na di ko inexpect that you are, pero ikaw yon so i have to accept them.

and i accepted them. slowly. ginive up ko yung thought ko na "i wouldn't want to stay with this kind of man" nung time na single ako at meron akong standards. kaya mahalaga sakin yung pandemic kasi dun ko mas napatunayan na kaya ko i-give up lahat para lang ma-save yung relationship natin. even my standards.

at yun din pala yung pinakamahirap. kasi natutunan ko yun over the years and up until now ginagawa ko siya.

it's true that if you start learning something you can't never unlearn them. i have learned to accept you slowly. i have learned to keep you by my side. i have learned that loving you was the easiest thing to do. i have learned that being with you saves me from uncertainty. i have learned you. i have learned everything that you are.

and now, i don't know how unlearn it.

would you help me learn how to let you go?

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on my pity days, naiisip ko lahat ng ginawa ko at sinacrifice ko for that relationship

- i lived with him for a year (na sabi ko hinding hindi ko gagawin makipag-live in)

- i really tried to communicate my feelings and the things that i want when i'm really not so confrontational type of a person ( i had to do it in our relationship kasi mas prefer niya ang silent treatment)

- i take all the blame kahit alam kong hindi ko naman kasalanan

- lagi ako naiinvalidate pero I still choose to understand him

- ginagaslight ko yung sarili ko dati. na okay lang hindi makuha yung full support ng partner mo kasi you have other people naman around you na kayang ibigay yung support na yon. pero mali pala yon. kasi if that person really into you, susuportahan ka niya ng buong buo.

- i seek for respect and consideration

- i feel like I'm always the bigger person that needs to give way

- i love him more — than he loves me

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I knew that was the chance

Last Saturday, I went out with my girls. We had dinner then we hop in a bar around Tomas Morato. Wala sa plano ko and magpakalasing dahil plano ko talaga that night ay uuwi sa bahay (sa Cavite) o makitulog sa bahay ng kaibigan ko (Megan).

But, in a middle of my tipsyness, pumasok bigla sa isip ko ang pagiging marupok at why not i-message naman si Troy kasi naisip ko, siya everytime na gusto niya ako guluhin I became convenient for him. So, I unblocked him and tried to message him. Medyo tipsy na ako non so hindi ko na rin maintindihan yung messages ko. Pero ang alam ko nagpapasundo ako sa kanya. I mentioned him the name of the bar.

I really don't expect reply from him. Nag baka sakali lang ako kasi ang nasa isip ko baka he blocked me also. But, after 15 mins, he replied.

Kinamusta niya ako. He told me that he was just on a meeting. 2 AM palang pala iyon. Hindi ko na rin maintindihan that night yung mga messages niya at ang iniintindi ko lang yung mga dapat kong sabihin sa kanya.

Basta ang sinasabi ko, sunduin niya ako, gusto ko na matulog at hindi ako makakain. Nag-reply naman siya at sabi niya pupuntahan niya ako don at hahanapin niya ako. Lowbat na rin kasi phone ko that night kaya sabi ko dun lang ako sa tapat ng bar na iyon at hindi ako aalis.

Fast forward, dinala niya ako sa bahay nila, inalagaan.

Kinabukasan, kung saan unti-unti na ako ulit nabubuhay medyo nakakapag-usap na ulit kami. That was the first time again seeing him. After 2 weeks. Paggising ko, binigyan niya ako ng tubig at gamot pangtanggal hangover. Binigyan niya rin ako ng saging na saba for Vitamin B daw.

I stayed over to their house hanggang afternoon. Nandun din sila tita at tito na medyo nahihiya ako kasi alam nilang atagal na kaming hiwalay. Pinakain pa nila ako ng lunch don. Habang kumakain ng lunch sinabi niyang, "nakita kitang nagsimba ah" sumagot naman ako na "oo nga", "may kasama ka." sumagot siyang, "oo, si Iya yon. bakit di mo 'ko pinansin?", sumagot ako ng "alam ko. eh may kasama ka eh. tsaka nagdadasal ako non. sino ka para pansinin, ikaw ba si Lord?". tapos nanahimik na siya. then tinanong niya if ano oras ako uuwi at paano ako uuwi. sinabi kong maya maya at magi-indrive ako pauwi.

After ko kumain, nag-shower ako. And after ko mag-shower, natulog ako ulit kasi sobrang masakit talaga yung ulo ko.

Paggising ko, nagtra-trabaho siya. May trabaho pala siya. bigla siya nagsabing, "aminin mo na." nagtaka ako kung ano yon. sabi ko, "ang alin?" tapos sagot niya, "nasaktan ka nung nakita mo 'ko kaya di mo ako pinansin." na-stun ako sa sinabi niya. kasi totoo namang masakit. i won't deny it. pero sino ako para masaktan? at sino siya para aminin kong nasaktan nga ako. so ang sagot ko, "uhm, di naman masakit. siguro ano lang yung feeling. yung ganon pala feeling makita na may kasamang iba yung ex mo." tapos ang reply niya, "or di mo ma-compose magiging rekasyon or feeling mo non kaya di mo ako pinansin?" hindi pa ako nakakasagot pero nagsalita na ulit siya, "kahit ako rin naman kung makikita na may kasamang iba o bago mo, masasaktan din siguro ako pero papansinin kita." baka nga. i don't know. dapat ba talagang ngumiti ako? hindi. hindi ako magpapanggap. hindi masaya makitang may kasama nang bago yung ex mo. sa paborito kong simbahan at sa oras pa ng communion.

Humirit pa siya na, "pinansin kita. nireplyan kita agad. pero ako minemessage kita hindi mo ako nirereplyan." na-stun na naman ako, kasi hindi ko naman alam mga messages niya kasi nga naka-block siya sa akin for a week.

i know that day was the chance for us to talk about it. na gustuhin ko man maging honest as nararamdaman ko non, mas pinili ko na lang na hindi na. kasi para saan pa?

then, tonight kakatapos ko lang mapanood ulit yung hello love again. may line si alden don na, "if we ever meet again, please don't be a stranger. you can always say hello to me". nung nabasa ko yung line na yon, pumasok agad yung "chruch encounter" namin ni Troy sa isip ko. after everything we've been through, tapos makita ko siya somewhere na may kasamang iba, dapat ba talaga na hindi stranger ituring ko sa kanya?

i can't. it's too painful.

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I got inspired

I've watched earlier Riva Quenery's vlog with Christine & Yskaela. Tapos na-realize ko na and daming friendship na mas stronger yung bond kapag unexpected friendship.

Then, nag-reflect ako. Oo nga no? Halos lahat ng circle of friends ko ngayon mga unexpected friendships. Hindi namin alam kung paano nag-start na gusto na naming nakakasama isa't isa. Sadyang nag-click lang agad tapos ayon na.

At I never knew na makikilala ko pala yung mga taong mas iintindihin ako at kikilalanin talaga ako sa times na kailangan ko talaga ng masasandalan.

So legit pala talaga na mas makikilala mo yung mga "people" mo kapag you're in your lowest times.

Sobrang thankful ako sa mga taong nakakasama ko ngayon. I am surrounded talaga with love because of them. Habang pinupunuan ko yung sarili ko ng pagmamahal mula sa sarili ko, mas dinadagdagan pa nila yon.

(Habang sinusulat ko 'to nasa isip ko sila Megan, Aileen, April, Jasmine, Ken, Renzy, Ate Shai, Kuya JP, Ulan, Suyat, Sotto, Yves, Carlos at Bea)

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I dreamed of you. Us.

Sinamahan mo daw ako maghanap ng apartment. May gamit tayong malaking sasakyan. Sasakyan ni Kevs. Haha! Yung pinuntahan natin na apartment, maganda naman at mataas. Tahimik din.

Marami daw tayong mga nakitang friends natin. Kinamusta din at mukhang masaya sila makita tayong dalawa. Noong paalis na, hindi ko alam kung saan tayo papunta. Pero nagdri-drive ka lang.

Tinanong ko kung galing ka ba kanila Kevs dahil gamit mo yung sasakyan niya. Ang sabi mo, sa Quiapo ka galing. Nagtaka ako. Bigla ka na nagkwento. Medjo mabigat yung dinadala mo dahil about sa trabaho. Hanggang sa umiyak ka na dahil ang sabi mo binabaan na yung posisyon mo at pakiramdam mo nasayang lang lahat ng pagod mo. Niyakap kita at cinomfort.

Matapos mo magkwento, ako naman yung tinanong mo. Tinanong mo kung kumusta ako at bakit kita blinocked.

Ang sabi ko. "Masakit pa rin pala makita ka na may kasama kang iba." Jinustify ko na baka nga ganon talaga pakiramdam kapag nakita mong may kasama nang iba yung ex mo.

Hindi natapos yung usapan natin dahil nagising na ako sa alarm ko.

Parang totoo. Kung paano tayo magusap dalawa. Ganon na ganon. Sana napapanaginipan mo rin ako at nakakamusta rin kita sa panaginip mo.

Lagi kang sasagi sa isip ko.

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distance really give u clarity on how u feel about people

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date sweet men. men who can articulate themselves. men who are soft spoken. men who are patient with you. men who respect their own bodies. men who are kind to your soul. men that are gentle. men who have self control.