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[my-life-in-music]

Send Me an Angel

https://youtu.be/Bc9_2aND7Dc

It was 22 March, 2017. That night I cried myself to sleep listening to this song, praying that god would, well, send me an angel. I don’t believe in god, nor have I ever prayed before. I’m not exactly religious. Things we’re bad, I felt alone and scared, and as if the world wanted me dead. It had been seven months since I had moved to Florida, and I had dropped out of 10th grade and every online school the state had to offer. It was a dead end, and that night I felt it deeply. 

The morning of the 23rd, I woke up to that same song playing, and I took it as a sign. It got me to at least force a smile, and hope for good, and I got good. “Atle Johansen” (totally outing myself here with using his name, if anyone knows me or him, know that I say “Hi!” and also that he is a manipulative pedophile, cheater, AND stalker). was who I had a message from on my phone along with about 300 others, but hiss tuck out. I ignored my damn fiancé, (note to others: also a pedophile, I was sixteen at the time, these are grown men). all because his name was interesting.

That morning was wonderful. My mum and I went out. First to walk the dog, which we got blood rained on our car from an eagle carrying something. (bad omen #1). I had forced her to listen to Zeromancer that entire morning while talking to him. Atle. I’ll always remember “haha Zeromancer really? I know them. I worked with the former keyboardist with Dimmu Borgir xD” (not exactly sure how he worded it, but the beginning was correct, his broken English just makes that last bit fuzzy). 

Now. My 16 year old self just about lost it at this point. He started sending me songs, stuff he had done with his band, V:28, Dimmu Borgir, some other small projects he did with friends, just everything. He was in a band, and paying attention to me, and making me feel wanted and I just genuinely enjoyed talking to him. I blocked my fiancé that day. I found out later that day that he was 37, but that he really liked me and “usually wouldn’t go for someone my age,” but I’m “so mature,” he “thought,” that I was in my twenties.  

[my-life-in-music]

The Good Times Are Killing Me

https://youtu.be/7_uuetc0Jns

Season: Spring

Colour: 

This song was the first song I listened to by Modest Mouse back in November of 2018, and I only did because my English teacher at the time kept getting on me about listening to them, saying that he knew I’d like them and that every damn song they have is one he can relate to. We shared a lot of music, I offered him a band that gave an in depth look into my person, and he gave me Modest Mouse. 

When I heard this song, I was on a bus on my way to a concert a few hours away, and it instantly made me want to get off the bus, and run to find him to give him a hug. (I never did get to give him a hug or even find a way to stay in contact, he got fired a week later for showing up to school drunk). 

For some reason I find myself thinking back to this often, in that moment, there was regret, yet also I felt connected to someone for the first time in my entire life. I regretted not listening to them the second he suggested it, but there wasn’t much I could’ve done about it. I realized with this that he had a lot more problems than he would ever admit to, and that no matter how similar we were, that we were two completely different types of messes. It was calming yet switched on something inside of me that filled me with the most manic of energies. Everything seemed so much brighter, every colour in the sky, the grass, the trees, the ocean, and the birds. It made Florida seem like home for a little while, even the heat felt just warm and comfortable on my skin.