my-life-in-paragraphs-blog

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

Maybe it’s me. I can’t help myself, and I don’t think you understand what it’s doing to me—to us. Maybe it’s wrong for you to be my source of happiness, but I just can’t help myself. I try to hold onto the happiness for as long as I can, but then your absence hits me like a strong winter breeze. I can be cold as winter at times; I get cold when you’re not here. Your absence surrounds me, engulfs me into its sadness. I cling to you. I cling to you, maybe more than I should, but I just can’t help myself. I crave you, every bit of you, and I never stop. You get distant; you get so damn distant and it tears my heart into scraps. My mind says that you don’t want me anymore. My heart says you don’t love me the way that I live you. And your absence—your absence says you don’t want to be around me anymore. But maybe it’s me, maybe I caused it. Maybe I brought you down with me, down into this hole I dug myself into. Maybe I drained the happiness from your life. Maybe I ruined you. Maybe it’s not you at all.

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

Distance isn’t just physical. Sure, being far away from someone is painful, but thats nothing once you feel the real distance. The kind of distance where they’re right next to you, but it feels like they’re miles away.  The distance that happens slowly, then all at once. The kind where your soul just knows that they’re losing any interest they ever had in you, any desire to be around you, maybe even to talk to you—and they don’t even know it’s happening. The worst thing about this distance is that you can’t fix it, you can’t do anything about it. Physical distance can easily be broken, but emotional distance just keeps eating away at you until finally you finally realize that the only thing being broken is yourself. You realize that person hasn’t emotionally been around for weeks, months, maybe even years. Emotional distance doesn’t stop until it ruins feelings, it ruins a bond, and it kills relationships.

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

I hate alcohol, but sometimes I crave that blurred vision and inability to walk straight. I hate nicotine, but sometimes I crave the lightweight feeling and empty head. I hate weed, but sometimes I crave to chill out and not care. I hate pain, but my heart still craves you.

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

“Do you believe in love?” He asked her, his eyes getting slightly bigger out of curiosity. She stares at him blankly for a second, thinking of the possible things she could say, the ways she could answer such a profound question. But then it hit her, she knew exactly how she felt, she knew exactly what she wanted to say. She didn’t care if he was repelled by how deep down into her feeling she went. “I don’t see how anyone couldn’t, unless you’ve never felt it. I know that love exists. I see the way people look at each other and their eyes and I just cant fathom how it even works. When you look at someone you love, you can feel that sparkle in your eyes, you can feel your heart beating, you can practically feel the love rushing through your veins like adrenaline. Tell me, if love didn’t exist then how can we stick with someone through everything? How can we look past the bad days and hold on to the good ones like bad things never happened? How do you not see this? How do you not feel this.” And without thinking, as he was staring at her, he spoke. It was barely above a whisper, but with tears brimming in his eyes he said, “I love you.”

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

I realized the more I pushed you away, the harder it became to build up my walls, to set a line. I realized the harder I tried to hide my feelings, the more vulnerable I became. I realized that each time I tried to say I didn’t want you, I needed you even more. I thought I was just shielding myself from emotional trauma, because that’s how I thought things would end. But what I was doing was something much greater. I was setting myself up for something beautiful. I was setting myself up for the lifetime of happiness that people dream of. I was falling in love with you. So no, I don’t regret pushing you away. I don’t regret trying to hide my feelings. I don’t regret saying I didn’t want you. Because by doing all of that, I gave you my heart, and it’s yours to keep.

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

Like lightning striking the tallest of trees and breaking them down, you struck my heart the same way—so sudden and strong, passionate and maybe even forceful. There’s no way I could have stopped myself from falling for you. Your lightning lit up the darkest parts of me, filled the broken pieces with so much energy and desire. But just as you lit me up, you broke me down. When you said the things you did, all of the beautiful light just filled with storm clouds. Just like the clouds, my eyes began raining—pouring. My heart beat like thunder, each beat doing even more damage, hurting even more. Then, you came back around. The rainbow you created  inside of me pulled all of the broken pieces of my heart together. You stopped the raining, the thunder, but you kept your lightning. You continue to light me up with burning passion and endless love. You keep my mind swirling like a tornado, full of thoughts of you—only you. The storm is gone now, but I fear so terribly that it will be back. I fear that the damage wont be able to be fixed next time. And it is after all of this, I realize why I am so scared of storms.

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

"I hate you because for the rest of my life I will have to wonder why I wasn't enough."

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

You thought you were over it. I mean, you really thought you were fine. Everything was going great for you. You have a new boyfriend and new friends. You thought—you knew you were going to be okay. But that was all until you thought you were finally ready to open that box—you know, the one you had full of things that reminded you of him. You thought that you would smile at the memories. You thought you would realize that it was for the best. This was all until you sat on your bedroom floor, the clock nearing two o'clock in the morning. You opened that box. On top was his t shirt he left at your house that one night after the dance. You held it in your hands, while it still distinctly had his smell. You remembered the way you danced that night, and how you sang to each other. Then you went home and cuddled on the couch and watched that movie you loved on Netflix. Next you saw the jar of seashells and sand he brought you back from the beach on spring break. You remember him giving you them, the way he looked at you like you were the most beautiful human being he’d ever seen. You find the jar of the petals of the flowers he got you for valentines day. You remember when he showed up at your house that day. He really overdid it. He gave you these extravagant gifts that he knew you wanted. He showered you with his kisses and his endless love for you. Lastly, and probably the most painful, you found the ring. That sweet little promise ring he got for you. That ring he walked two and a half hours to give to you. That ring that represented everything your relationship stood for. And suddenly every memory of him comes back to you: the late nights when you’d sneak around, the silly arguments, the movie and dinner dates, the times when you’d act silly, and the times you were just lazy together. And it’s at this moment that you realize you never stopped loving him, its been months without him and colors aren’t as bright and the sky isn’t as pretty and life isn’t as happy anymore. You realize you made a mistake to end things, but its too late now because he’s with another girl who makes him happier than you ever did. You thought you were so over it, but damn you were so wrong.

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

it seems like i’ve tried everything to distract myself. but my mind just continues to wander to you. i’m sitting in a class full of people right now but i’ve never felt more alone. i stare at the blank computer screen in front of me as my mind continues to replay every memory of us that exists. but that’s all they are now: memories. i know this is my fault, i know i shouldn’t have ended things. and now it’s too late. now all i can do is watch you be happy with another girl, and wonder what could’ve been. i can’t even count the restless nights and the numerous tears that fall from my eyes every single day. i’m barely hanging on. the memories of you are the only thing that keep me going. you once loved me. that’s all it takes for me to get out of bed in the morning and pretend that i’m happy without you. but i’m not happy. i miss you more than anything in the whole world. i still care for you so deeply. truthfully, i would do anything to get you back. but all you are now is one of those memories, playing in my mind, and i can’t help but hit replay.

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

Her heart beat for him, so when he left, her heart had no reason to keep beating.

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

I miss him. I miss the way his smile lit up my entire world like string lights on Christmas Eve. I miss the way he would wrap his arms around me at the most random moments. I miss the way I got butterflies every time he would light brush his hand against mine. I miss the way my heart would beat so much faster every time he looked me in the eyes. I miss calling him at 3 in the morning when I wake up just to hear his voice. I miss sneaking in his window in the middle of the night and just feeling the comfort of his presence. I miss goofing around with him and laughing at each other over stupid things. I miss being able to kiss him at any time I wanted to. I miss the times when we would sing to each other. I miss the car rides where I could just hold onto him while listening to the music and looking out the window. Hell, I even miss arguing with him. I miss having contact with him, because we don’t talk anymore. I ruined it, and I’d do anything to take it back. But he’s not the same person that I miss. He's not even him anymore, and this is all my fault. THIS is why I feel so guilty.

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

I broke up with him because I thought he didn't love me. Maybe I regretted this so deeply—and maybe I still do. But, I know I was right. He didn't love me. The way he treated me after things ended proves it. He didn't want ME; he wanted to have sex with me. He wanted someone to love him, to fall for him. He wanted to feel something other than numbness. Sadly, he couldn’t return the favor. He played the part, but he never felt anything for me. He just wanted to find someone so naive, someone who wouldn’t see through him. He played with my emotions. He made me feel sorry for him, and maybe thats why I stayed so long. Maybe its because I loved him so fucking much that may heart still burns at the thought of him. It’s hard to tell if he's hurting—if he really cared about me. Or at least it was. However, leading me on by having meaningless sex with me in the middle of the night and then talking to some new girl the next week proved my point. He’ll never be able to care. He’ll just go around breaking more and more innocent girls. He can call me crazy all he wants but just wait—once all these girls end up heart broken, people won’t call us all crazy. But to the next girl he tries to trap into falling for him—he hasn't changed. He’ll never change. He is going to hurt you just like he hurt me. And he’ll do it to every girl after you. He can't realize what he's done because he's too blinded by his own pain. The pain that got me to stay so long, the pain that numbed me, and ruined me. And look where I am now—crying over some guy who I never meant anything to. Don't end up like this—don't let him ruin you too.

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

I feel empty—as if you completely drained everything out of me. It feels as if the only thing inside of me is air, which shouldn’t be true considering I can’t breathe. As the tears fall down my cheeks, I like to think of each one as a memory—each kiss, argument, adventure, date, bitter statement. They all replay in my mind, spinning around too fast like a broken ferris wheel. You took everything from me—my self esteem, my hope, my ability to feel and commit, my happiness. I am naked without it all, and I cover up the bareness with fake smiles and dry eyes. My life seems perfect, until I come and my mascara stains my pillows and sheets. All of the pain is released, all of the hurt takes over, and the emptiness creates a barrier between me and the rest of the world. I am scared—terrified that someone will see the emptiness. I fear of a day when someone realizes what you’ve done to me. My mind tells me you never loved me in the first place, but my heart won’t accept it. But the truth is—if you loved me you wouldn’t be crushing every last bit of emotion I have left in me. You wouldn’t have consumed what was left of me. You broke down all of my walls and I cannot rebuild them now. I feel nothing, but my vision still continues to blur from the tears spilling from my eyes. And I wonder— did you ever feel this hurt over me?

[my-life-in-paragraphs-blog]

She laid in bed staring at the ceiling, the only light from the lit candles flickering. He took another drink of the burning liquid from the flask on his dresser, as he sat next to the nameless girl in his bed. A single tear fell down her cheek as she pondered the thought of him with another girl. More poison goes into him, as he tries to relieve the heartache he can't seem to get away from. They are both hurting, they miss each other—but their pride gets in the way of them going back to each other. She cries herself to sleep while he's fulfilling the sexual needs of another girl who’s name he can't even remember. She loves him too much to let him go, but he's just trying to push the memory of her away to numb the pain. How long can this go on before someone completely breaks? The truth is—love destroys people. There is no way around it. Your pride will always get in the way—you will never be able to truly appreciate another person because you don’t want to look stupid for going back to them. It is selfish, and love is not selfish. Or is it? Everyone says love is kind and that love is not selfish, but why is this situation taking place if love is just so sweet and gentle. It’s not. The reason love isn't working out is because we put our own needs over everything else. We do not think of the consequences of our actions. So, she lays in bed until she can’t take it anymore. She thinks that it will never get better, she realizes how evil and hurtful love is. She takes the pills, she doesn’t care anymore. He continues to drink after his attempt to get over her leaves. He drinks heavily and fast—too heavily and fast. He doesn’t care what happens now. Two victims of love and heartbreak fall asleep that night, neither of them to see the next day, or any day after for that matter.