my-life-literally

[my-life-literally]

Puppy Girl

I think I have the best dog in the world.

She is precious. Smart. Confident. Sassy. Brave! She tries new things. She loves to train. She runs so fast. She sniffs. She doesn't like the rain. She is composed. She communicates. And she is adorable. Funny. Cute.

I am so lucky.

[my-life-literally]

The heart is broken.

All our hearts.

We will forever mourn.

The Universe will forever mourn.

All the movies and stories and shows about deamons.

They were about us.

They were about us.

[my-life-literally]

90's Pretty

I was today years old when I found out that I have full access to Buffy.

I put on the first episode was was immediately transported back to when I was watching it for the first time in my parent's basement. I was following along with my sister and A. We would talk about it all the time. I was just wrapping up high school and entering college. My brother was 10, my sister was 16 and I was 19. My brother was hooked on the last season because he had been watching it all along from a distance. I was invested. My sister as always, pretended to be.

At that time, I was so preoccupied with being pretty. 90's pretty. I couldn't come close. I was obsessive about boys, and pretended not to be. For a long time, and due to a lot of conditioning, I associated adventure with males. Oh little child.

90's pretty, means thin eyebrows. The 90's blue shirts with spaghetti strap tank tops, mini skirts, full hair. That 90's blue on everything. I am a true 90's coming of age girlie. And I still think that women who are 90's pretty are the most beautiful.

But now I also know, that men finding you beautiful is the least important thing. I thought their opinion was the most important until I learned that the most important opinions belong to the Wind, and Sea, and Trees, and the Stars and the Moon.

I always thought that, that poem I wrote all those years ago, the one that started everything, would return love to me. Romantic love. But now I realize that maybe it's just my shows. Those shows were the ways I had a window into the outside world, strong women, who could fight. Who could love. Who could sacrifice. Who were principled. Who made mistakes. And who were still loved. Who were because of all those things were, heroic. I always wished those messages of strength would rub off on my sister, and we could be strong together. But I think she scorned them, secretly, because I loved them. They were such an antidote to our raising. Strong women. Chosen Women. Chosen by Fate. By Destiny. By blood.

I wish I could have been heroic for her.

If I were to accept myself as I am, as I was becoming, then I would say that I am steeped in memory. Memory of my life, memory of humanity's life. I try my best to live in the present. But the truth is, I am living in many parts. I like work so much because it actually is in the here and now. When I close my computer, I am flung back in time. To memory. To tasks to stay alive and organized. But not really living. I think it's because I am not in relationship with anyone like I was younger, and I never will be again. I was reading Instagram posts about how other people feel like this. Like the friends you had when you were 12 or whatever were the best ones in your life.

Back then, all I wanted was to be myself in safety. I wanted to be in bed, with books, and music, and my shows, and just let my mind fly. It's actually all I could imagine for myself as a happy present or future. As I write this, I am in bed, with my books, and music, and my shows. I also have a dog, which I didn't envision then. After all this time, I feel like my nervous system is cooling down. What a shame the world I do these things in. I got there personally, but we're no where close communally, and it...is...grave and deserves a lot of pausing, and thinking, and wishing the hero rubbed off on other people.

I knew then, when I was with my mother and my sister and family, that those were the most precious times. The happiest, maybe. If you can call it that. But I can't tell if it is or was healthy. Whenever I go there I know it is't.

The last time I was there, I fell down the stairs. I was tired, and run down. It's harder to have a dog there than it is on my own. And honey. Am I ever on my own. From the movies and shows, it seems like a lot of heroes feel that way. I am not saying I am a hero. But sometimes I have to show up heroically for myself and, I hope, for others. Though, the for others is fading.

Now I cook. Take dog for walk. Worry about money. Get groceries. Go to dry cleaning. Chop wood. Carry Water. Even though I know that other people would see this as a little life, I have never been or felt so accomplished. I love it because I can do all these regular things, I always knew I could do, safely.

Anyway. I was styling myself recently, and I thought, wow - with my hair, and my clothes, and my memories, I am finally, now, at my Big Age: 90's Pretty.

[my-life-literally]

I am walking up the alley toward the soft glow of many lanterns. I can hear the din of many voices. I know that on the other side of that gate are people who love and I love in return.

I am with my puppy. She is known by everyone under those lanterns.

My heart is full with anticipation. My heart is so full I can feel it's warmth in my stomach. Nothing hurts. I know these are happy days. I know that we made it through. Together, us three victorious against the odds. Together us three. The three of us together.

I had done it. We had done it. A safe place. A place to grow. To cook. To sew. To plant. To come home to. To have privacy. To have company. Something is always on. There is always a quiet room. And we are together.

I open the gate, my brother, laughing, says, "ok, ok so guess what M just said?" My sister, looks at me with relief, and hands me a pile of whatever she was holding. I see her husband. I see my niece. We know each other. We all know each other on sight.

The crowd envelops me, naturally, macrophage. I am setting up. We are putting down. There is food to eat. Many hands make light work. Many hands make light work. Many hands, much care for all the little ones.

We are adults. We are safe. We know each other. We're updating each other on the mundane things at work. Someone has a new something. We hum, haw and awe over it.

Everyone is soothed. The lanterns glow. Our house is the only one shimmering on the street.

[my-life-literally]

My little puppy is in her first heat! So daycare is out tomorrow, and I am honoured to be with her and support her during this time. I just love her. She is perfect.

I will go to the stores and pick up book and shoes tomorrow. She will be alone for a bit. But I think she can handle it, and I need it. A bit of balance. Then it will be her and me!

My dad and bro may come over later.

I don't know how to be with people. Because my sister doesn't love me. It sounds trite. But that's the gap stop. I just know it. I've always known it. I wish I could remove the whole thing. But I can't in my conscience.

This world is burning. It is actually been burning. Now that it's burning for white people. It's on fire. I always had a feeling I was part of the last. First born daughter. Part of the last of our kind.

I really wish I saw more goodness in humanity. Like met good and kind people. More art. That's why I read so much. It's my way of interacting with people, safely.

I wish I could save this world. I bet a lot of people feel like that. Save it for the goodness in people. A goodness that just didn't. And couldn't. But it was there. It. was. there.

I am so glad I didn't have children. The worry in my heart for them would be too much. I hope I see them in heaven. I hope I see who I was meant to be with in heaven. Or maybe heaven is me on chilling on my bed with my dog. That would be ok too. More than ok.

My sweet little puppy. One of the best things to happen to me. Maybe the best thing. What an honour.

I call her boogaloo shrimpy. I call her Cheenimo. She is so cool.

C would have loved her. C would have loved C.

The people I have loved would love her.

[my-life-literally]

You know, before I met him, I just wanted to wear pretty dresses in the summer.

[my-life-literally]

I don't know what to write. It's like all my loves and hopes and thoughts are locked up tight inside my throat. Behind my sternum. Or just in front of my lungs. I breathe them, but can't get them down.

My time is taken up in puppy care. Also decompressing from puppy care. And work. I have to move her kennel to storage. I have to book her a full groom. I have to ...I have to...I have to....

I guess other people are on a love journey. A baby journey. And that's just not my journey.

I watched a youtuber today that said, it's time to start thinking of single women as brave. Because they don't settle, and all the things. And I feel like that. I feel good. I just wish I had more single people to relate to, who were not really on love journeys.

It's very hard to do. To find like-minded people in that way. So I hope I can hold myself with grace in the meantime.

But I gotta say. I am having a blast. Slowly making other dreams come true.

Sleeping when I am tired. I have to manage my energy better and get more sleep. But overall, puppy is well taken care of. And the next couple of days are for relaxing.

Then Saturday is books and shoes for me! I've really always just wanted the little things. A nice place. Books. Time to read them. A walk. And a cook.

[my-life-literally]

I am sorry for hurting every man I've loved.

I wish they were sorry for hurting me too.

[my-life-literally]

In another life. In another time. In different conditions.

I would have had children.

I have come to know that.

[my-life-literally]

Ok well I didn't read. But I didn't do any work either.

I just relaxed. I have my period, and it's been so long since I just ate chocolate and was by myself.

Thank goodness I took this time.

I did spring clean my closet, organize a bit, and took stuff to donation. But it felt good to do that.

Then I puttered. I took care of my body.

I am getting better at pacing my errands throughout the week. Little pup is learning to be by herself and is doing so good. I am so proud of her!!!!!

Home is feeling good. Money is a bit needing attention, nurturing. But I am ok.

I am ok. I am ok.

I have a lot of pease. I can't tell you how much I love being single. Single. With a beautiful pup. Snacks.

LOTR.

Food.

Babysitter.

All that I need. I have.

I hope I can continue to support others through my work. I want to harness my energy, my learnings, my lessons. That is a work in progress lately. So one step at a time. Always.

Keep going L.

[my-life-literally]

Incredible win from Coco! A clay queen now.

Best finale in years.

[my-life-literally]

We where we supposed to be. Apart.

Don't forget your writings. A lot. For years.

[my-life-literally]

How DO people do it? What do they have that I don't? Did he want a playmate?

It's like I can watch his karma play out, and I am so unwitnessed.

My pup jumped onto my lap and licked my face before I dove to deep. I just skimmed the surface.

Is he more fun with her? Is he safe for her? How does he keep getting cool and beautiful girls? Whole women?

I hope I didn't cut him down too much. I get that from my mother. Cutting people down.

He cut me down.

that's how I've been feeling with one half of my heart. The other half still works.

Going through life half-hearted. I hope it doesn't shrivel up and die. Or start to rot and infect the living tissue.

Someone has to come and tell me my heart is whole.

[my-life-literally]

I was walking my dog today

I was walking my dog this evening. And I just shone so much love to her. And in my heart I felt a lot of contentment.

8:30 PM/Eight-thirty post meridian (I had to google that). Is the sweet spot.

Tonight I wish for a dream where my sister and I both have long hair and are jumping on a trampoline.

Today was a good day overall. Steady.

I want to become more professional at work. I have to reel it in a bit. It's very easy to become negative and toxic in that place. I would like to rise above it. Like a lily.

There is so much more of course.

I am becoming like the Earth as She was. And never can be again. Not touched by man. But that's a story for another time.

[my-life-literally]

Last night I had a dream about my family.

My father was saying something about why I didn't get married. And the reason why according to him was muffled by a tap I turned on. When I asked him to repeat the line, he only repeated the l part I heard.

I was so aggravated, because he does that sort of thing on purpose I feel like: Pretending not to remember important or obvious names or things. Asking you questions he knows you won't have the answer to.

That part of the dream ended with me writhing on the floor, asking him to repeat the part I didn't hear.

Then part two of my dream. I was with my sister. I don't know what we were doing. But I think we were preparing for something. She fell into a patch of black spiders, and was screaming for help. I brushed the spiders off right away. Next thing, she was swarmed by thousands of tiny, multicoloured, reflective beetles. And I was brushing them out of her hair, and unplugging them from her nose and ears. But there were too many. She was screaming. And I was doing the best I could.

That part of my dream ended with me trying to "save" my sister.

Then I woke up.

[my-life-literally]

How on earth does Amazon manage to deliver so fast?

This weekend super tired. Super productive.

Did's: Vacuumed and mopped floors. Cleaned bathroom. Puppy to grooming. Puppy to babysitting. Got groceries. Went to IKEA, got curtains and hooks. Painted toenails. Red book. Watched GG. Had a nap. Went to visit family with puppy. Ordered comforter.

To do's:

Hang curtains. Buy wicker basket for puppy treat. Figure out how to better store reusable bags. Wash and vacuum car. Cull closet and donate clothes. Trim matting behind puppy's ears.

Long term: Save up for new sectional, save up for bookshelf, save up for smaller desk.

All is well. All is well. I feel like I am in go mode. That's not even the things I have for work. Consulting. Or Strata (new).

I have mentally exhausted myself over my obsession with new sofa. Will it fit. Will it be too big? Will it looked cramped. Will the fabric work...etc. I need to chill. Because as we know I get fixated on things.

But can I just say. I am so happy to be fixated on what I am fixated on. And not on whether someone is lying to me. Or if they love me as much as I love them. Or if I love them.

Tomorrow is a new day. And I am relaxing tomorrow. Making a tasty dinner and chilling with my dog/puppy. Just the two of us.

And a book

And a show.

And spending no money.

[my-life-literally]

It's a regular day. Work. Clean. Pup. Sleep.

I saw a light vertical scar on my ankle today as I was reeelaxing.

I remembered how it was from a time when I was in Vegas with a boy, and he twirled me around and my ankle bumped into a small, sharp corner of a small stage.

And I thought to myself. I was in Vegas. With a boy. At that time in my life, I was with many friends. I was with my sister. Sister. I was rich with people.

It's funny isn't it. The people are gone. But the scar I can keep.

The people are scattered by the wind. But the scar is burned into my flesh.

I remember being pissed at the time, and worried that I would have yet another scar. I wanted so much for perfect skin.

And the memory is wrapped in my heart. It makes the corners of my mouth turn upward. My eyes look into the distance. And I remember them. The time. The time of life.

I hope they'er all ok.

I hope I am ok too.

My puppy is becoming more confident. She is sleeping outside my bedroom, and jumps onto my bed in the middle of the night. We always wake up together. She is the sweetest girl. I am so lucky she is my puppy. And I am her human. I love her.

Please let me turn the page into another part of my life. Please give me the strength to stand up for Goodness. Please let me enter this next phase with a light heart, a wise(r) mind, and some nice clothes.

Pupppy just jumped onto the bed. It's like a red pepper falling into tea.