my1ns1des

[my1ns1des]

I can't he disappears for a whole day after giving him his space ghosts me to come back to tell me he's dumped me like wtf how many times can I be hurt by him I can see now I'm not worth it I can't deal with finding out how little he actually cared its devastating for me he can't even call me when I asked to talk it over like wtf I always called or picked up his call idc I'm gonna move on no matter the case

[my1ns1des]

I'm really grappling with a lot of thoughts right now

Really grappling with a lot of bolts right now and it's strange because I don't know have I just mentally shut down from him I mean when we separated the first time I had like a nervous breakdown long story short I lost my shitdoes that mean I shut him off as a coping mechanism for my fractured myself so what does that mean I've become heartless I don't really know part of it I feel this the crown kind of colds because deep down insidewhen I used to put them up on a pedestal and give him everything give him the world made him my world it just it wasn't enough and I know it didn't want to make him choose because I didn't want to know the outcome I want to just be blindly in love but I found out the outcome then I get he had his reasons but it literally crushed me to this day I'm still trying to rebuild get back to that place I'm scared to give him my everything partially I'm scared of being rejected again I know how he says it wasn't him but nothing hurt in my life like that that was the worst pain I ever felt and he's much stronger than I somehow he can rebuild for some reason I can't I don't know how I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying and I fall on my face and I just feel compartmentalize in this situation in a fucking hurts I get that that is not the reality of it in the full sense of the word and that my perception is screwed some of it is why do I fight because at the end of the day I know the answer to a question I never wanted to be answered and that kills me part of it feels like I'm am a game in my own head but I don't want to be hurt but he doesn't understand it and I can't explain it because even with all this I never stopped loving him I just I don't know how to explain it it's hard and I want to keep writing but I guess I really need to keep thinking to find the words before I do all I know is I really can't keep seeing this take a toll on him because that does kill me because at the end of the day I do love them and all of these disjointed thoughts I can't really come to a coherent feeling

[my1ns1des]

It now I was ready to break up with him when he wouldn't consider me now that he does it's killing him is this why he stopped before I never gave up and yeah I realize he does a lot sometimes too much and I appreciate it but I can see today why he is getting to be the way he is I'd much rather have him talk it out than fight I know there's a lot of emotion when we talk but his points come across better than fighting and today hurt it wasn't easy to hear ... I wasn't trying to avoid intamacy with him and it's hard bc I try to prepare myself for the draining of a job I hate that crushes my soul but I don't want to change into what he says I am I don't want to be cold and distant or a constant disappointment idk I don't really have words right now

[my1ns1des]

Well I asked if he would ever consider me for a forever and he basically said no and my heart dropped bc now I realized I have to go I realized that it wasn't unconditional love like he had always said I stayed through a lot and I put him through hell which I was wrong for but that being said he never would consider a life with me makes me realize I'm not supposed to be with him and it kills it fucking kills it breaks my heart I don't have someone else planned in my life I haven't talked or gone on a date or anything but I have no plans on it I got to heal now and I don't think I will from this

[my1ns1des]

Another night crying myself to sleep begging to be loved and irreplaceable to someone but they choose otherwise now it's over the next move is on them if they truly feel the way they said they do then I'll be here waiting if not I'm gone I'm not gonna look litterly this one will rip my heart out for good and on my birthday almost gee thanks the gift I fucking wanted was him but that's ok

[my1ns1des]

I just can't anymore I had to go to the restroom so I didn't loose it he's driving me nuts it's a fight every day since before I left it's Killin me now and I just can't anymore i don't want to fight anymore I want my friend back I litterly just want to be happy and I'm not with him right now and idk if I can take much more

[my1ns1des]

I don't fucking get it like what is he mad at me for I was good I did litterly nothing but work and sleep .he can't even give me the decency to talk to me and tell me so I can explain or fucking admit to something if I am in the wrong like literally I mean the worst thing I did was check up on him bc the way he was I mean other than Sunday night your locked in the fair grounds at 11 it's bullshit I was good I tried but I can feel it I disappointed him idk I just want to sleep and be alone

[my1ns1des]

I'm very hurt by him I went to bed woke up he hasn't answered me we've spoken very little it feels like he has moved on I've drempt about it idk I'm very sad he didn't answer me am I not good enough is it because I'm ugly or fat or insecure idk I hate me and I feel hated by him right now

[my1ns1des]

I'm fucking upset again cuz I let Jason down I think Friday I need to bring him flowers then let him know how special he is these fucking people I tried to walk them but then they ended up buying it fucked up my whole night because I really wanted to spend it with him it kills me inside and I feel horrible for letting him down and ruining his night I want to cry bc of it it literally breaks my heart I want time with him I want to make him feel loved and wanted and to know how much I love him and how terrible I feel like it's killing me right now I'm picturing him all sad and I can't handle it I hate dissapointing him

[my1ns1des]

I'm fucking upset my cars all fucked up and if it goes down I'm screwed I don't know if it'll make it to work and I'm scared about it and I don't think Jay understands the severity of the situation it's a big expensive part and I'm screwed and if I cantale it to work and overheat I'm done for so I got to go early and take my time

[my1ns1des]

So we had sex finally today like actual got fucked sex and I had wanted it for a long time I have been missing him like that unfortunately my stomach hasn't been cooperating it didn't fully cooperate this time there were times when it hurt but it also felt incredible I'm so happy it worked out I'm still disappointed in myself that I can't take it like I want to and that I shipped my brains out after so I wasn't clean like he deserved which is disappointing but he was rock hard which felt incredible I hope I didn't let him down I know he's upset I didn't get to come but part of it was knowing that wasn't enough time part of it was being in my own head about not being clean and worrying I was letting him down and part of it was I fucked him this morning in Cape my brains out idk I like love him so much I just want to be perfect I'm exhausted my tummy doesn't feel great and I'm ready for bed I'm going to dream about him tonight I hope he knows how special he is and how much I wanted him and how long ncrebible he is and how much I appreciate how understanding he was and how much I love him idk I'm rambling I just love him I hope he wasn't disappointed

[my1ns1des]

Well I guess it's over he never apologized never saw his own faults when a I did was apologize for mine yes I love him and he hurt me like no other but he's blocked me now and it's done for time to block his cell and reset my life

[my1ns1des]

And the other thing that kills me is it doesn't matter that I love him he's willing to throw that away but you know I give him his freedom and gets upset when I want the same and he lied right to my face like wtf I ain't stupid nigger like it's black and white I caught you and that's when you blew up and said fuck off bc that's how he wants to be and it pisses me off more than I'd he didn't lie like idk I'm to beat to type out my feelings he's drained me

[my1ns1des]

Well it's finally over and as sad as I'll be to loose him and hurt part of me is relieved he got mad at me for going to a concert when the universe presented me with a present bc Jeff may decide to go on a maybe bc apparently he was interested in going who knows how true that is good forbid I have a night with friends but didn't see him or look for him or care to bc I want nothing to do with him but then Jay present me with same situation only worse I mean he trout's boy who are sexually interested in him in and out his door like till who knows they probably slept together what do I care and Sean and it's like he's throwing an intimate art sale and now this person supposed to be there did I care no but what pisses me off is that he does /did this a lot and I didn't say boo now I pick a massive place and do this with a group of friends don't even see the guy who may or may not be there bc he works weekends and I'm the asshole you know relationship is about give and take and I'm doing a lot of venting but it's seems like I am the one always at fault he can't look at himself objectively and see his faults and yeah idc anynore bc yeah I make mistakes but he does to and idc if I see him again he got mad at me saying I got put second well if he didn't have another boyfriend I wouldn't be second if I didn't have to sneak around I wouldn't be second you know and it's like yeah it hurts bc I'm sure he loves me maybe the most bc it's reality and it fucking sucks idk I wish he'd self reflect

[my1ns1des]

Well it's time to write down some thoughts ....I figured it was a good time bc I have been sleeping all day and now I'm poopin..so my dream I have had the same reoccurring dream all afternoon/evening and that just boils down to dissapointing him I look at myself as a failure and bc of this I find it very hard to cope with his disappointment I really feel like I let him down this morning and when I woke up just now I felt anxiety bc I know what he's already going to say and that oh it's pretty late for you to be up to which I'll gain more anxiety but I guess my biggest fear is my countinued disspointment I bring him and how I can't make him happy for a minute without shattering it I keep dreaming about it I get in my head I get so hyperfixated on it it's insane bc it affects everything and it's like I can't perform as well as I had want to with him the other day bc I was in my head and disappointed him I wasn't clean like I tried to be but these dam stomach issues I need to figure it out idk I'm sleepy now though I think I'll finish this tommorow when I make a little more sense

[my1ns1des]

I feel disgusting and ugly I need to loose weight and gain a little muscle my body is getting cellulite and stretch marks and I'm just disgusted I've been pretty disgusted and I just haven't really felt like me it's like I don't want sex and I don't want to work out bc I'm embarrassed by myself and then I have no energy and I just want to sort out my life my God idk I'm writing bc I have heart burn and can't sleep

[my1ns1des]

I'm writing this bc idk how to express myself right now I'm sad but I hurt him and I feel empty when we started dating I specifically remember being upset with him and crying and getting don't see me I'm going and came running to him crying and he sent me away and after that he gets mad I don't do that he thinks I don't care but I do to him presentation is everything and to me it's about the person yes I love him and yes he loved me but his expectation is unrealistic and after just talking to him I feel a lot of things but some dissapointment in myself and that's the thing it's usually once he goes it hits and he wants to compare me to the Sean thing is bullshit bc I've done that to him in the past I ran to him when he said don't crying my eyes out inconsolable and I got just go and I haven't really done it since bc of being rejected when I've tried to love him in fact ive become a really cold person and I've just kinda shut down it's hard you know this morning I crashed and now he just called again and I get the same thing do I go or not and now Eddie's almost around and I'm scared to